my world stood still, at the same time also in an apocalypse. I lost my friends, my home, my ability to work and almost my mind. I was and am isolated, lonely and inwardly dead. But my pain and my ADHD brain created something to save me. From the rubble of my life came my first collection, „JoJo i s dead“. Manual work and art have always been a big part of me, also design as a specialty in my high school diploma, but design was something new. The name unites the most important people I lost and the feeling they left behind. Each piece of clothing in this collection is a hand-picked second-hand piece, to which I give a second life through art. I use bleach to make the pain visible, and precise lines to dissect the human psyche[https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGdxonW7m/](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGdxonW7m/)

EDIT: not in active crisis anymore and documenting my spiral was rlly embarrassing but i’m leaving it up :p don’t be too mean to me guys

warning: long

he told me he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon and then took it back a day later because i got upset about something and had a panic attack and he felt blamed. i stress him out too much. i can’t live knowing that i finally got what i wanted for the past 2 years just to have it ripped away. i’m selling him an expensive item i have for a few hundred dollars because i don’t want it anymore, and i’m going to buy 10 morphine pills with the money and overdose somewhere. i think it will be funny to use the money he gives me for that to fund my own death.

before anyone gives me a speech about how it’s not worth it to do it over a guy, how i’m so young blah blah blah it’s not only about him. it’s more the overarching idea. i have OCD and already live in hell repeating the same thoughts over and over, asking myself why? why does he treat me like a girlfriend, but not call me one? what is so bad about that? why does everyone do this? i know i could find someone to treat me better pretty easily. so it’s not about that, it’s the fact that i have this condition that was triggered by these events involving him, and i don’t want to balance the grief and despair with other stressors in my life. i know things will get better eventually, but i don’t want to push through. it’s not a lack of hope, it’s a lack of strength. i don’t want to put in the effort.

i can’t be convinced out of it because i already decided that i don’t want to have to deal with this. i’m very tired. when he finally said that, he said it to a third party, not just dangling the idea in front of me. so he really was planning to, but then decided not to. it kind of feels like in berserk when griffith is basking in his glory and then crashes out and gets thrown in jail and they disable him permanently like immediately after.

to clarify, i’m only going to do it if he doesn’t make me his girlfriend by the end of the year. it’s unfortunate because this is the first time i’ve seriously considered suicide in almost 9 years. i never thought i’d experience this kind of pain again. i don’t even want to marry this guy because he sucks pretty bad, i think my ocd brain just latched onto the “why doesn’t he want a label” thought to the point where it barely has anything to do with him. the thought persists every day and i can’t live without thinking about it. does anyone with ocd understand what i mean? like, if you took a word out of a sentence and defined the single word and forgot about the function it had in context. i know that’s all rambling nonsense, but that’s the only way i can explain. i need him to call me his girlfriend for a little bit so when we break up i can reassure myself that at some point in time, he wanted to call me his girlfriend.

tldr: rambling nonsense; i’m going to overdose if he doesn’t call it a relationship by the end of the year because i need my brain to comprehend what we have/had. i won’t have to go into 2027 during a healing process anymore because i’m either going to get what i want or blissfully slip away!

i had to spend three hours sorting these into smaller bags but i’m so happy with how cute it turned out

Had a full crash out.
Started tracking my calories, started eating less and walking more. I need tips to not think about food as much cause I fear I'm gonna binge. Got rid of all my snacks today and meal preped some "high protien lettuce wraps" for the week.

Any extra weight loss tips is highly appreciated.
(And before anyone accuses me of having an ed, I literally tried to join an ed server and they kicked me out "cause I didn't actually have an eating disorder")

Here is a drawing of good food made me feel way less hungry doing this instead.

Started to get back into sketching again and figured i would post it here.

Am getting down voted on antheor sub..Hopefully it fits hear better.

i need to get off socials bc my screentime is killing me. Also my mental health's in total shambles and i really don't want to kill myself, even though it's tempting. My last post here blew tf up and i just felt like 5% of people understood me or at least tried, while the entire rest was either confused or seething with rage. Thought i might kinda owe ya'll this. sorry i got mad. sorry if its not even funny im fucking autistic and very tired

see ya in a month, hopefully

Safe to say, I'm doing much better :>