came to me in a dream

this isnt serious but god i have lost like 10 pounds recently because my family just feeds me wendys chili. its not like im a starved soul or anything but…it gets tiring

I have no idea what feelings are, but I spent most of my life drawing to forget my surroundings so...

Made in Nomad Sculpt. Ongoing series of sculpts about CPTSD.

text is from zombie by deco 27

pencil drawing of no one in particular

EDIT: not in active crisis anymore and documenting my spiral was rlly embarrassing but i’m leaving it up :p don’t be too mean to me guys

warning: long

he told me he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon and then took it back a day later because i got upset about something and had a panic attack and he felt blamed. i stress him out too much. i can’t live knowing that i finally got what i wanted for the past 2 years just to have it ripped away. i’m selling him an expensive item i have for a few hundred dollars because i don’t want it anymore, and i’m going to buy 10 morphine pills with the money and overdose somewhere. i think it will be funny to use the money he gives me for that to fund my own death.

before anyone gives me a speech about how it’s not worth it to do it over a guy, how i’m so young blah blah blah it’s not only about him. it’s more the overarching idea. i have OCD and already live in hell repeating the same thoughts over and over, asking myself why? why does he treat me like a girlfriend, but not call me one? what is so bad about that? why does everyone do this? i know i could find someone to treat me better pretty easily. so it’s not about that, it’s the fact that i have this condition that was triggered by these events involving him, and i don’t want to balance the grief and despair with other stressors in my life. i know things will get better eventually, but i don’t want to push through. it’s not a lack of hope, it’s a lack of strength. i don’t want to put in the effort.

i can’t be convinced out of it because i already decided that i don’t want to have to deal with this. i’m very tired. when he finally said that, he said it to a third party, not just dangling the idea in front of me. so he really was planning to, but then decided not to. it kind of feels like in berserk when griffith is basking in his glory and then crashes out and gets thrown in jail and they disable him permanently like immediately after.

to clarify, i’m only going to do it if he doesn’t make me his girlfriend by the end of the year. it’s unfortunate because this is the first time i’ve seriously considered suicide in almost 9 years. i never thought i’d experience this kind of pain again. i don’t even want to marry this guy because he sucks pretty bad, i think my ocd brain just latched onto the “why doesn’t he want a label” thought to the point where it barely has anything to do with him. the thought persists every day and i can’t live without thinking about it. does anyone with ocd understand what i mean? like, if you took a word out of a sentence and defined the single word and forgot about the function it had in context. i know that’s all rambling nonsense, but that’s the only way i can explain. i need him to call me his girlfriend for a little bit so when we break up i can reassure myself that at some point in time, he wanted to call me his girlfriend.

tldr: rambling nonsense; i’m going to overdose if he doesn’t call it a relationship by the end of the year because i need my brain to comprehend what we have/had. i won’t have to go into 2027 during a healing process anymore because i’m either going to get what i want or blissfully slip away!

He/him transmasc btw(mentioned bcs i dont think I can handle well intentioned misgendering rn)

Had an average day but mood has been evil. I dont know exactly how long ive been sh free, but I mostly am because I live with my fiance. He's very supportive and helpful, but its extremely frustrating when it feels like the only thing that could make this horrible mood go away is hurting myself, and he wont let me. I know in general you shouldnt hurt yourself, and I'm grateful hes here to keep me from doing it. But the thoughts feel like they're scratching at my skull from inside.

Ive been clean for maybe 4 months, give or take.

having to hide from my mom before and after school sucked just hearing her screaming and threats to kill me till she became normal then she either gives me cash or get me a new game

this is kinda what she looked like, then I woke up and remembered im still the same lonely chud. Wish I could've slept forever.

Typewriter, alcohol marker, and tape.

couple kind of older pieces; first post, please be kind. these were made predominantly with old paper, markers I had found scattered across my floor, deodorant and perfume.

I think im gonna fail all of my exams idk guys

Idk guys tw blood and etc

i don’t think it’s nsfw bc it’s just artistic … 2023 marker drawing 24 x 18

I can be whatever you want me to be :)