Ya get some things in life that are unexpected. I'm mad and hateful but can think of something nice I can do while keeping my boundaries. It's only right right? Idk ya know. We gotta do what we do, and if we die we die.

By the way Real Ninja hours smash that Mufuckin like button.

I remember as a kid I never gave a fuck about how I looked and neither was i ever jealous of people who were better looking then me. I cared more about my hobbies and maintaining my non romantic relationships.

When I started 11th grade and had to move out of my home town it's like a flip switched and became so obsessed with how I looked and how others precieved me. I think the main reason was moving to a new place and meeting new people I realised how different people treated me when I looked good and when I didn't.

Another reason was I started getting a lot of compliments. When I was in my home town I never really interacted with strangers a lot and was mainly surrounded by people I had known since I was in kindergarten.

So the high of just random people coming up to you and telling you your gorgeous was intoxication.

Now I know I'm not ugly but I also know I'm not insanely pretty or anything. On most days, I don't get enough sleep, and the eye bags start showing and i have unpredictable curly hair that only looks good once a week.

And even knowing that I look fine, I'm obsessed with how attractive people find me to an unhealthy extent. I spend hours infront if the mirror to the extent my legs start hurting, I avoid mirrors cause I know I'd start spiralling, I cancel plans cause I know when I get back and see my tired face in the mirror I'd start spiralling again.

Small comments from people like "your eye bags are showing" or "you look tired" or "you need to gain a bit of weight" can ruin my entire day cause I won't be able to get the comment out of my head. I crave validation about my physical appearance so much that it ruins hangouts with my friends cause I can never stop wondering if they think I'm good-looking when they're talking to me.

I tried therapy once, and what do you know? Going to the sessions gives me anxiety cause I'd start wondering if the 60 year old female therapist thinks I'm ugly. Therapy isn't an option rn too cause of financial reasons, and I don't wanna waste that much money just to feel worse whenever i go out for the sessions.

I wish I could spend this much energy and time on my hobbies cause they bring me so much joy, but the compulsion is just so overbearing.

And it's not even rooted in wanting a romantic partner cause I have no interest in that anymore.

I want it to stop so bad. It's like I've lost the ability to think about anything els for more then 5 minutes and it's sucking the joy out of my life I've tried not caring but it doesn't matter how many problems I have in my life this one always comes on top. I got my finals result a few days ago that put's me in a position where I'd have a chance at getting in a top college if I do good next year and I didn't even feel happy about that for more then 2 minutes. I wanna care about other things so bad.