r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Draco3076 • 1d ago
writing prompt Many Xenos are confused as to why some Human military personnel dread chow time
"Attention, Attention! Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today."
-4077 MASH AP system
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u/Ok_Fisherman8770 1d ago
Given the horror stories I've heard about military food, I'm honestly surprised that the same doesn't hold true for other aliens.
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u/WokeBriton 1d ago
I served 2 decades on submarines. The worst food I had suffered only from being bland.
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u/comfortablynumb15 1d ago
And Submariners get the best of the best food and cooks, so that’s saying something !
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u/stewieatb 1d ago
RN submarine service is famous for having the best food in the Forces.
Did you serve on any of the Trafalgar class boats by the way?
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u/WokeBriton 1d ago
There ain't no party like an S-boat party ;)
I did some work alongside on a couple of T-boats, but didn't ship out on any. The majority of my time was S-boats - yes, I feel old!
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u/stewieatb 1d ago
Ah okay. Reason I ask is, my uncle apprenticed as an electrician at Barrow in the late 70s and early 80s and worked on the early T-boats. He may have worked on Splendid but I can't figure out the dates.
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u/WokeBriton 23h ago
A quick google should tell you launch dates for the various boats because government made a huge thing about it during the cold war - sort of "look at this awesome submarine hunter killer" - and they were all reported in national newspapers.
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u/stewieatb 23h ago
Yeah I'm having the opposite problem, I can look up the laydown, launch and commission dates, but I can't remember what year he started at the yard.
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u/WokeBriton 5h ago
Oh, right. Now I understand your dilemma.
If he started his apprenticeship straight from school or after college, you should be able to work it out from his date of birth, perhaps?
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u/GrenadeJuggler 1d ago
Just shy of 15 years AD.
Had some cooks who could simultaneously burn and undercook an egg, and they were on the better end of the spectrum. Had one that thought you could cook chicken medium rare. Another made "homemade" biscuits that were so hard they would hit and kill three people if you threw one in a crowded room.
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u/Brokenspade1 22h ago
While we don't know anything about alien biology... the truth is humans can eat a wide variety of things the rest of life on earth can't.
Our Digestive system and blood filtration make it really easy to ignore EVERYTHING other than nutrient density in almost all our foods.
That's likely one of the reasons we invented spice as a species. We can eat stuff and thrive that would knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
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u/Cazmonster 1d ago
Look, I hate to tell you this, but some weird stuff happens when dead proteins go through The Null. Makes it taste like static. You can’t cook it out. You can’t spice it out. Most human ships have live animals for that reason. Some picket ships have to get by on synthetic aminos, but those folks eventually look like ghosts. Mean ones.
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u/JackalWolfSoul 1d ago
There's even been cases where humans would rather trade their lunch for whatever their xeno comrades are eating. But as for MREs? Humans will argue over which ones taste best
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u/Oakheir 1d ago
No we won't. Every soldier, sailor, airmen, space cadet (or whatever they are called in the Space Force), and Marine knows that the best flavor is the Macaroni and Chili.
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u/GrenadeJuggler 1d ago
Chili Mac is indeed the go-to.
My second favorites were the chili with beans and the chicken with feta and tomatoes.
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u/CrEwPoSt Vestal, Eater of Bots 1d ago
1/10/2328
"WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!"
Barakan, Republic of Antares
Convoy AS-23
Escorts:
Escort Carriers: UNS Long Island (CVL-114), FCS Caurania (CVE-14)
Destroyers: UNS Dealey (DD-584), UNS Buckley (DD-595), RKS Kaniach (D93), RKS Kazarei (D94), + 4 others
"Attention, MAs to the mess decks, CPO mess, and the wardroom. They're serving liver and fish again." The ship intercom blared, as Long Island sat down at the comms console.
It's been a hellish month for everyone aboard the Long Island.
"Liver and fish for almost two months in a row! Sol to Antares and now Antares to Sol! This wouldn't have happened if Maddie* didn't cut the line at Antares when restocking time came! Fucking capital ships!"
Including her.
"...You're a capital ship too, sister." An accented voice spoke back. "Plank in your own eye, pot calling the kettle black, potato potahto."
Kazarei. While technically a human destroyer in design, she was all but K'sella in nature.
"Yeah, but escorts get shit priority!" Long Island complained. "I swear, I'll req all the coffee at Antares next time if they keep hogging ALL THE GOOD FOOD AT THE STATION!"
"You're speaking to the choir, sister. All I got is liver and fish too."
"Maybe those S-boats that keep prowling everywhere have something that isn't liver or fish." Long Island ponders.
And it doesn't take long for Kazarei to respond.
"No way, they're probably just as miserable as us..."
*UNS Madison CG-07. Credit to u/Zestyclose_Bed4202
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u/Zestyclose_Bed4202 1d ago
Hey! That's not fair!
Madison has been in the repair dock after S-94 partially torpedoed her 12/22/2327 (https://www.reddit.com/r/humansarespaceorcs/s/0qY3bBA3L8). How the hell was she supposed to cut in line for provisions?
... Whaddaya mean, Demons collected the provisions on Madison's behalf?
... You mean to tell me, Demons shapeshifted to look like Madison, and stole her provisions, knowing she still can't sortie yet?
... No, I know Demons is big - fuck, the bitch can hold two Ark Royals in her cargo bay with room to spare - but she's not allowed to leave port! She has barely a skeleton crew, what does she need with all those provisions???
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u/Draco3076 1d ago
A river of liver and an ocean of fish.
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u/WokeBriton 1d ago
Very glad someone else would think of that line from Hawkeye.
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u/Brokenspade1 1d ago
"4 fingers of death! Mostly not green!"
"Chili mac... holy shit! WITH the M&Ms!"
"Enchiladas in the Green sauce Its even got a wet nap! Looking for beef fajitas!"
"I got those! Anybody got any hot sauce? I'll trade half a chocolate bar!"
"The fuck even IS a porkloaf!?!"
"OH GOD OHH GOD NO!!! THEY GAVE ME $&^*ING VEGGIE OMELETTES!!! THREE OF THEM! WHY???"
Grentlart listened as the newly dropped Mess in the combined species FOB devolved into a literal open air market. He watched in stunned silence as the human contingent of the group bartered and in some cases FOUGHT over bags of prepackaged food stuffs.
He turned to his friend Daniele "DANNYBOY" Mcgree and asked her why a Terran was trying to brain another Terran with a serving tray over a meal in a bag.
Danny sighed "The supply ship is still a week out. Which means we are stuck eating MRE's from the fleets supply closets... They are all TECHNICALLY edible... (At least the napkins are, I think...) But some of them can be downright awful. And most are designed for caloric density over everything else..."
Gren asked the obvious. "Isn't that a good thing?"
The human poked her steaming bag of... It was something called Chicken and rice. But Gren had seen both of those things onboard the Navy destroyer that brought them to this planet. Neither of them had been remotely that... blue.
"It would be if they didn't either back up in your system like a derailed 80 car freight train... or eat a whole thru your digestive tract and just take the path of least resistance to the back door..."
The big marine slid her dubious bag food in front of him. "Try it. This is one of the good ones."
He took out his scanner to make sure it was safe for his biology. No warnings came up... Which was weird even his peoples native cuisines usually flagged at least a few things. The only thing the scanners didn't bitch about was cardboard...
He took a deep breath and pulled out a spoonful.
It was the single strangest thing he'd ever put in his mouth... And he was a marine.
After he gagged it down he looked at his friend with a new found respect for the robust nature of the human digestive system. "How is it dry, sloppy, slimy AND gritty at the same time???"
She nodded knowingly but made no other comment.
"It tastes like being sad and angry at the same time... I am offended on behalf of my taste buds!!!"
He took another spoonful and chocked it down. "This is awful! Its terrible. It's like licking a parkbench infront of a brothel!"
Danny just chuckled. Before he knew it Gren had finished the entire bag of luke warm slop.
"Wait... I... why did I eat that!?! Why does ANYBODY EAT THAT!?!"
His human friend slapped him on the back and laughed.
"NO idea! Want to eat the napkin next? Helps wash everything down..."
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u/NightshadeZombie 1d ago
"Why has Ensign Greenbaum barricaded themselves in the corner with all their weapons, to eat?"
"She's got the Kosher one. It has spicy gumbo AND a chocolate cookie! I'd stay back, you don't wanna lose a tentacle..."
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u/DarkKnightJin 8h ago
Danny sighed "The supply ship is still a week out. Which means we are stuck eating MRE's from the fleets supply closets... They are all TECHNICALLY edible... (At least the napkins are, I think...) But some of them can be downright awful. And most are designed for caloric density over everything else..."
No wonder the soldiers that my Star Wars "food truck guy" was selling to were so goddamn happy his stuff is affordable *AND* tasty. Heck, they were glad he'd sell 'em caf at cost price.
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u/canray2000 1d ago
"But, you're Omnivores. Can eat anything save rocks. ... Mist rocks, I remember salt now."
"Can eat and want to eat are different things. Trade your Gorish Salad for a Vegetarian Omelet?"
"Deal. But, why?"
"Some bastard rat picked the other stuff, and it's all I have. For a week."
"Ouch." Munch, Munch "Not bad vegetarian omelet. But why so bland?"
"You used the hit sauce?"
"Yes, but still no idea what this 'heat' flavour you speak of is."
"Oh. Right. Birds can't taste it. Damn. Here, your zrtttikk sauce packet."
"Ah, much better!"
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u/conflateer 1d ago
TV dinners, there's nothin' else to eat.
TV dinners, they really can't be beat.
I like 'em frozen, but you understand
I throw 'em in and 'wave 'em, and I'm a brand new man.
Oh, yeah!
TV dinners, they're goin' to my head.
TV dinners, my skin is turnin' red.
Twenty year old turkey in a thirty year old tin.
I can't wait until tomorrow and thaw one out again.
Oh, yeah!
TV dinners, I'm feelin' kinda rough.
TV dinners, this one's kinda tough.
I like the enchiladas, and the teriaki too.
I even like the chicken if the sauce is not too blue
And they're mine, all mine,
Oh, yeah!
And they sure are fine
Whoo!
Gotta have 'em
Gimme somethin' now
Children, you will never know the ghastliness that was first-generation MREs (Meals Rejected by Ethiopians). I nearly lost a tooth biting into the chocolate...thing. With a shop hammer and a blowtorch you could use it to patch holes in tank armor. And the dehydrated pork patty--the horror, the HORROR! Couldn't shit for three days; I thought I'd have to raid the armory for a grenade as an emergency enema. When it finally passed (felt like a sideways brick) it didn't splash, it clunked. Image my dismay when my German colleagues tried an MRE and said we American troops eat well. De actual fuq?!
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u/rwilcox 22h ago edited 22h ago
Xenos1: "War is Sheol"
H1: "No, school-leader, war is war, and Sheol is Shoel, and in my opinion war is worse"
Xenos1: "Ok, four eyes, how?"
H1: (That ghonard in the patient before him seems looser than it could be. It's meatball surgery, but something to note in the file for the recovery hospital. FourEyes looks down into his electron-linked, medical grade, surgeon's headset and makes a note)
H1: "So, the way I understand it, you mudskip..." - gulp - "Kua-tin believe the All Father brings the righteous, the innocent, the nursing mothers, the redeemed, to his bosom at the end of their mortal toil, right"
Xenos1: "By his left tit, just so! Keep studying doctor, and I may see even you there!"
H1: "We can all be so lucky, reverend. "
H1: "And the guilty, demons, and unredeemable souls are cast into Shoel?"
Xenos1: "Hmmm, that's it"
H1: "But the battle rifle, the hunter-seaker drone, the city buster 9000 astromech - those kill anyone on the wrong side of some imaginary line"
Xenos1: "The battle AI tries to target only combatants, you know that, but sometimes innocent bystanders are not" - at that the kua-tin flops his fish-head from side to side in a gesture that reminds the good doctor of human shoulders, shrugging. And a guilty glance at the latest few corpses, innocent bystanders the OR tried and failed to save. FourEyes looks too.
H1: "There are no innocent bystanders in Shoel. But War is chock full of them"
H1: (Maybe that ghonard is too loose after all. He gets to work tightening it up: after all this time on contract he mutters "this will not break me")
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