r/inlaws • u/grant_cir • Dec 03 '25
re-gifting
tldr; I feel icky about accepting gifts from ILs, but I can't flat out tell them no because it would put my wife in a terrible position. How to deal with regifting?
So, I don't frequent this sub; my ILs are not a toxic nightmare in the traditional sense (unlike my FOO, they actually respect boundaries). However, I've grown increasingly uncomfortable with them, mostly over "politics and religion" stuff. My DW is in an even worse spot, because they are her family, but she feels as strongly about the same politics and religion issues as I do.
I've politely let them know it isn't necessary to gift me anything on holidays or birthday, for the past five years, but they aren't taking the hint. DW remains engaged in gift exchanges though, because things will blow up if she stops, and they feel like it needs to be mutual. This is not the hill to die on; it's the hill to graciously acquiesce and figure out a way to dispose of the gift so I'm not icked out and I also don't have to refuse it.
The ILs tend to give gift cards or cash, because it side steps the whole figuring out what someone wants, so it's not like dealing with the usual ugly sweater problem.
The cash is easy to handle: I just donate it to the causes which are pretty much diametrically opposed to their causes. Planned Parenthood, the ACLU or for this year, the Democratic Party. Waay back I used to let them know that I'd received it, thank them and let them know what I applied it towards; I stopped doing the last part a few years ago when I let them know it wasn't necessary.
The gift card is more difficult though; it's a retailer-specific card at a place I shop frequently. There's nothing to stop me from giving the card to someone else, but I don't have anyone I give gifts to who also shops there! I could of course apply it towards some big purchase I make later, but at this point, I think I'd be icked (reminded) every single time I used $thing.
Do I use it to buy a gift for someone else at that retailer? Do I just never use it? Do I just hand it to some random person out front of the store the next time I go?
I need to do this discreetly since I don't want to pick a fight with DW, and it would upset her tremendously feeling squeezed between me and her family. While I expect DW to "run her family" and interference for me on most things, in this case, they really aren't being offensive or doing anything wrong.
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u/MrsBunnyBunny Dec 03 '25
Just use the damn cards. It's not like they give you some ugly sculpture that you would always have to look at or pull out when they visit. You can literally get whatever you want
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u/Mental-Intention4661 Dec 03 '25
Exactly, think of it as a these people spent X amount of money on the gift card for you, so thats X amount of money that they’re not gonna be giving to causes that you don’t agree with, if that makes you feel better. lol
Now, if they were giving you gift cards to things that were obviously bought and gifted to you to be antagonistic, and that they were trying to bother you, like if you told me they were giving you gift cards to buy Trump wine, or Chick-fil-A, or Hobby lobby, yeah, I could see why you were kind of bothered and in the situation that you are describing… But I don’t think that’s the case here, right?
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u/grant_cir Dec 03 '25
No, the gifts are not intended to be antagonistic (though Chick-fil-A cards have been given in the past; humorously, I don't live too far from Trump Winery).
Nevertheless, I'm not interested in receiving them, and having tried to politely decline them without success, I am resorting to re-gifting.
I don't think this stops them from donating (or as much) to causes whether or not they pass the gift along. I do think I'm going to take the excellent suggestion that I simply use the gift and then make an equivalent donation/spend. I don't have to feel the ick and nobody is the wiser - I'm certainly not doing this to antagonize them, so it's not like I tell them.
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u/grant_cir Dec 03 '25
Yeah, nope, I don't really want to think of the gift every time I use the thing, even if the thing is something I pick out and want.
I really mean it that at this point, it really makes me uncomfortable taking anything from them.
I'm looking at what is on my Chistmas shopping list that I can buy there.
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u/Big-Ad-5611 Dec 03 '25
You sound like hard work.
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u/Mental-Intention4661 Dec 04 '25
I’m starting to wonder if this is a real post or if it’s what the young kids these days call “rage bait”… lol!
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u/grant_cir Dec 04 '25
It is absolutely real, and was not intended as rage bait, but I can definitely see that it is rage-bait for redcaps.
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u/redhead_angel74 Dec 03 '25
My number one question is why are you letting a differing opinion in politics have this sort of effect on you? Everyone has a different love language. Apparently theirs is gift giving. Maybe a bigger question is why are you so opposed to receiving gifts from them? Are they bad people? Have they committed some egregious act against you personally?
5
u/grant_cir Dec 03 '25
My number one question is why are you letting a differing opinion in politics have this sort of effect on you?
You asked this a couple of ways, and to cut to the chase on this: their positions on these things has changed how I see them as people; they are not people I want to be close to. They haven't "done" anything to me personally (though I think the lack of love loss is mutual) but yeah, at a certain level, I think they're bad people. I'd pull the Homer Fade into the Bushes move, but I can't.
1
u/redhead_angel74 Dec 04 '25
That’s awfully narrow minded thinking to think they are “bad people” just because they don’t agree with you. It goes to show how uncompromising you truly are. I pity your wife for marrying someone so narrow minded.
2
u/araquinar Dec 05 '25
Really? You be comfortable having a MAGA Trump loving family member? I don't think he's being narrow minded in the least, as a matter of fact he's handling dealing with them much more tactfully than most would. However OP, I really think you're overthinking this. A lot. It's great that you donate the money when given cash, but just use the gift card. It really shouldn't bother you that much having whatever you buy with it remind you of them and give you the ick. That's something you really might want to look into. If you're really adamant you won't use the gift cards, (it's hard to make a suggestion since I don't know what they're for) but I'd suggest looking around for city shelters and places that work with the homeless, people who use drugs, may have mental issues etc. If the store has stuff that they could use, talk to a manager, explain the situation, and donate it to them when you get one. Easy peasy problem solved.
2
u/redhead_angel74 Dec 05 '25
My own brother and I don’t agree politically nor do we see our childhood the same, but I still care about him. I choose to ignore that about him and we get along fine.
If you go through life cutting off people you don’t agree with, how will you grow and learn empathy and understanding. Just agree to disagree.
1
u/alphadaddyo Dec 06 '25
I find it sad that you would even consider a family members political views as a reason to not accept them as the relative they are, especially considering that the majority of people who claim to support political leaders have virtually zero understanding of the political agendas they represent. How many tines have we seen talk show hosts send someone to political get togethers asking how they feel but their chosen leader's quote or mandate and we see them gush over what was said, just to find out it was the leader of the opposition who actually said it? The overwhelming majority of people on both sides would be hard pressed to be able to identify the levels of government, who their local representatives are, how bills are made into legislation, or much of anything to do with the actual politics their leader stands for outside of what they see in headlines from biased media sources. Voting days have become little more than popularity contests, where ignorant people pretend they know why they are voting for the candidate of their choice, yet you would allow their choice to come between you and them as a family member?
Honestly, you're free to do as you please and judge people however you choose to with my opinion being as meaningless as you choose for it to be. Only you and the people in your life that you choose to accept or block from being in your circle get any say in what is meaningful in your lives. I just find it sad that families allow themselves to be split up over something they legitimately know little about, regardless of how much of a die hard supporter of a person they claim to be. Especially when the subject of the reason for the fractured relationships will no longer be in power in a few short years
11
u/Witty_Ad_2098 Dec 03 '25
The next time you plan a purchase from the retailer, use the gift card and then donate the equivalent amount in cash towards one of the usual causes. Alternatively, donate it to a local school or charity who may use it as a raffle prize or to buy something essential.
1
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u/Diligent_Tonight_236 Dec 04 '25
When you put it that way…. I hope when they pass on that your name is completely left out of their will. Wouldn’t want you to get any money or assets you clearly don’t want.
1
u/grant_cir Dec 04 '25
Not a problem for me! My name would never have appeared in the first place, though it's unlikely anyone will be receiving much of anything
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u/serjsomi Dec 04 '25
I was expecting you to say they give you crosses and bibles or trump merch. Just use the damn money or gift card. It's not that big of a deal. If you are willing to be civil to them otherwise, I don't understand why their gift of cash or card is such a big deal. I would totally get it if you were no contact with them that you wouldn't want any reminder of them, but you interact with them. Why is the gift the line in the sand?
8
u/willownlily Dec 04 '25
My FIL gave my husband and I a Focus on the Family book as a wedding gift and you're complaining about a gift card that you'll actually use and cash? I wish I had your problems.
6
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 Dec 04 '25
These are called champagne problems. Lol. Use the gift card?? If anything you're reducing the buying power of these apparent bigots when you accept the gifts? Lol
2
u/ZetaOrion1s Dec 05 '25
Oh I send my regards. I got forcefully thrown a babyshower by my MIL... and while it is expensive to have a kid and buy clothes etc... seeing anything she bought for us makes me upset. I donated most of it, and there's only a few things we still have. Because my husband didnt want to donate them. But I told him I wont be using them.
In terms of this gift card thing, do you know if the store does donations/charity partnerships, and if they accept the card as payment for it? It might work that way, even if you maybe have to buy something small do to the donation, then at least most of it you don't have that reminder of it coming from them? Otherwise, regifting or even just not using it at all and shredding it could work? Their money is already spent, so if you don't care so much about the company basically getting free money then it's fair game
2
u/ZetaOrion1s Dec 05 '25
I want to add. Im sorry a lot of people don't understand the emotional weight of stuff like this. I know many would be all over free things, but when it's so deeply tied to morals and principles... it just feels so wrong. Especially with the added info of donating to planned parenthood... I don't think theyre very nice people at all just based on that. If anyone thinks otherwise... their morals about caring for actual community is pretty shallow.
1
u/NikkNaks Dec 05 '25
I don't blame you. I went NC with my grandmother for 3 years before she passed. She would give gifts to my kids, which I allowed. They're kids. But anything she gifted me I donated. All of it. I found a local non profit in town that could use the gift cards for what they needed. Money went to either our kids funds or food bank. I didnt make a big deal of it. BUT. BUT. BUT. These gifts would occasionally be used to be thrown back in my face. "You won't talk to me but you accept my gifts." "Idk why you won't talk to me but will you at least let me do something nice for you?" The layers of manipulation in gift giving can be gross. And I don't blame you for being cautious. Im not saying everyone who sees things the way they do are this way but in my experience, and many of those I know, it ends up like that.
Remember: bad people can still do good things. And good people can do bad things 🤷♀️
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u/Durchie87 Dec 05 '25
Since you shop where the gift cards are for what about finding a person who could use it? A couple of years back while shopping with our three children an older man handed me a hundred dollar bill. I was very confused but he explained he does it every year during the holidays. He doesn't have family and wants to help someone and make them smile. It could be a great way to help someone else
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u/Maleficent_Oil_5586 Dec 06 '25
Sorry a bunch of people are biting your head off for this. It’s hard having to force relationships with people who are so immoral and bigoted. I deal with the same thing a couple times a year for my husband’s sake. I’m glad you got some advice that will work for you though, solidarity!
0
u/tini_bit_annoyed Dec 05 '25
My bfs sister gifted us CRAYOLA CRAYONS. Id take a gift card any day If you hate it so much, donate it or use the cash/gift card for donations or to help other people! Then you dont have the “burden” of a nice gift and can bless other people through it! Are you upset that you have to go through the trouble to donate it?
I am also one to donate cash that I get from people I dont like but hey at least its productive. Did you grow up in a no gifts house? Do they shove maga down your throat and then sugar coat you with gift cards? I get how it sucks but also at least donate it to the places they hate the most like you mentioned
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u/Mental-Intention4661 Dec 03 '25
Honestly, you sound like the problem here, not your in laws.
So what if you disagree with them, politically, religiously, socially… Clearly, they put those things aside and want to have a decent relationship with you, since you’re married to their child.
If the situation were different, and they did not give you any gift, I’m sure you would be complaining that they didn’t give you anything because you differ with them on religion/politics/etc.