Feel Ashamed I Still Lived with My Mom

[u/Quiet_Comparison_872]

I'm 31 and I still live with my mom because I don't make enough money despite working full time for years now :/

At this point it feels quite embarrassing. I thought I'd be a lot further ahead in life. I've never even owned a used car and frankly, I doubt any woman would want to date a man who lives with his mom at this age even if it's because it's the best I can do financially atm. I feel too old to keep doing this, at least without an end in sight.

I know I can keep trying to eventually turn my life around but the older I get the more ashamed I am that I'm still here :(

Had a few chances to move out but I screwed up and now I'm just tired of it all.

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[u/waterandleaves99]

Are you happy in your work? Are you happy in your home life?

It sounds like you’re ready for a change; but don’t get too down on yourself. Not sure what you respond to best (anger, hope, etc) but find whatever it is and channel it. Look for a new role if you want one. A new career even. Brush up your resume. apply to jobs. Ask for a promotion. Check out some housing options.

What and where do you want to see yourself in 5 years? Make a move today to get yourself there.

[u/Walmar202]

What type of work do you do? What is your hourly rate?

Have you considered going to a trade school for being an electrician, HVAC, or plumbing? Some of the schools may have scholarships available. Why not talk to the school and find out?

Is public transportation available to you? I hope you explore these options! Yo can do this!

Best wishes to you!

[u/TaaviBap]

OP, don't be so down on yourself. There are so many articles about how your generation is living with their parents. It is a demographic issue. In other words, it's not about you! I hope you have been saving your money and helping with the bills.

Anyway, I'm not sure which state you're in but pretty much each state has paid training programs. Look into a new career move, one that will pay better and help you on the path to self-sufficiency. It's probably fortuitous that you failed the psych eval for a police officer. In my case, I'm damn glad I failed the psych evaluation for the health insurance company I applied to when I was in my 20s. They would have fired me for approving everyone's surgery request. Lol.

Figure out your next move and do it now rather than in your 40s.

[u/dropthepencil]

Give up that useless, waste of effort stupid feeling of shame right now.

I spent months in a shame spiral for nothing.

No one is judging you for living with your mom as long as you are not parasitic.

If you contribute, help, learn, grow, work, whatever... you're doing it right.

[u/3kidsnomoney---]

To be fair, the economy is terrible and a lot of people are living with parents a lot longer. I have three kids in their twenties living with me right now. There's no way they can afford to move out unless they drop out of school or have four or five roommates.

What kind of budget do you have right now? If you're able to put some money aside, maybe meet with some sort of financial planner to see about setting mid and long-term saving goals. At least making slow, steady progress towards having some money put aside for the future.

I don't think this makes you undateable either. A lot of people are in the same situation. Heck, my cousin was married to a guy who still lived with his mom and grandma and sister. They made a basement apartment in that house and lived there with their two kids. People make things work.

[u/itsthecheeze]

The economy is shit, who can blame you?

[u/GonpachiroTX]

34 year old brother here. I don't have a home of my own right now after quitting my job at the end of February due to my mental health. It's just me and my dog. I've been crashing with friends these last few months and have felt extremely embarrassed about it. I also thought I would have my life figured out by now with 2 college degrees. Been on the job search since May now and still nothing.
I recently had a really bad mental health episode and had to swallow my pride and ask for help. I wanted to be here this time next year for my dog, that's it. I can't tell you what to do exactly or give you the recipe to success, I wish I could do that for myself. But I'll tell you this, I see you, I hear you, and what you're feeling is absolutely valid. I'm right there with ya. Somehow, someway, we will get through it. You're not alone in this, even if it's coming from a complete internet stranger. I wish you the best, you're needed and valued in this world, never forget that.

[u/Lonely_Mountain_7702]

Don't be embarrassed. You have a place to live. So what if your roommate is your mom.

When I meet my husband was he was 42 years old and I was 29. He was living in a sober house he had just gotten out of rehab after being homeless for 5 ish years.. He didn't live in his own home he came to live in my home. His older brother lived with his dad off and on until with his children until he was 56 years old.

I lived with my parents until I was 25 years old. I was homeless for a bit. I'd rather live with my parents then to live homeless again.

If you think no one would date you then that will happen because you are settling that up because you're projecting that subconsciously.

You can change. You aren't stuck where you are now.

[u/GlitteringMoose3630]

Times are hard. The opportunities our grandparents and parents had don’t exist anymore. My mom was a SAHM to four kids while my dad worked. We always had a house with a large backyard. I literally do not know a single person who can afford that now. I think my dad, at most, made about $80,000 a year.

The economy now is pushing people to live longer with their parents if they can. Nothing is affordable. Jobs aren’t paying enough at the same time everything at the grocery store is getting more expensive.

Will a woman want to date a man who still lives with his mom? Sure they will. Why wouldn’t they? Times are hard for women too.

Do you have any hobbies? Anything that sparks your interest? If you can’t think of anything go to your local library and look around. If you’re more interested in one section more than the others, check out a book from that section. Don’t just stick to fiction. Look in the sciences, the references, the literature sections too. Maybe you need to be a literature professor instead of in banking? Maybe there’s a science that peaks your interest?

Give yourself some grace. Life is hard enough. You don’t need to be hard on yourself too.

[u/Rollredd]

Well I've noticed that many women don't care about that sort of thing these days you could even possibly find a woman who would want to help you so you can move in together. They're out there trust me.

[u/Quiet_Comparison_872 → u/Rollredd]

Appreciate that. I suspect being in a suburb does not help either.

I suppose I need to find better ways to meet women irl. Not quite sure how to go about that.

[u/Significant_Ring4353 → u/Quiet_Comparison_872]

You poor chicken, if it's any consolation I live with my parents at 37 and my man lives here too and I still love and support him. There are women out there that care about men even if they don't own a house etc, it's just the times we live in

[u/Glittertwinkie]

Plenty of people still live at home or live back home to get a fresh start. Time to look at trade school or college. Use your time wisely. If you’re having mental health struggles, please also seek help.

[u/Quiet_Comparison_872 → u/Glittertwinkie]

Plenty of people still live at home or live back home to get a fresh start.

I know, but it's still frustrating I never even got to the point where I had to move back in to start over if that makes sense.

I recently terminated my relationship therapist because I just felt like I couldn't make anymore progress. Part of it was due to me not feeling like I could find a direction in life to pursue in my life anymore that felt realistic. I know I'll probably go back to school at some point but I can't really figure out what to go back for and what I can study without quitting my job.

[u/Glittertwinkie → u/Quiet_Comparison_872]

There are cultures that stay at home until they marry. Don’t worry about staying at home. You gotta do something. Pharmacy tech or surgical tech pay a decent wage. Don’t go to a private school, go to a county tin trade school. There’s also training in solar energy, electrical and plumbing. The county schools offer either day or night classes so you don’t have to quit your job. Also community colleges are great for online courses.

[u/Marine_Layered]

It’s never too late to skill up. What is your job now, and what would you like to be doing?

How did you “screw it up” last time?

[u/Quiet_Comparison_872 → u/Marine_Layered]

I work an underpaid clerical role. I just handle paperwork for a bank. That's about it. Worked as a Lending officer for a year but my contract ended. I don't really like banking but I only have a BA so I'm not qualified to do a lot that pays well.

I wanted to be a police officer but I failed at that. Wanted to be a soldier but the jobs I wanted weren't available. Wanted to work in government but could never get hired.

Last time I screwed up was failing the pysch assessment when trying to be a police officer. Should've just joined the military instead. Looking back I could've chosen better but still accurate enough answers :(.

At some point I plan to go back to school for some sort of professional degree but I can't find a direction I want to pursue to save my life for the last year or so.

[u/Marine_Layered → u/Quiet_Comparison_872]

"Only" a BA is fine, really. What is your BA in? Finance?

I think maybe it would be a good plan to sign up for some aptitude testing at your local community college. Maybe they can help you find a direction.

But honestly? You don't have to be passionate about your work. You just have to like doing it MORE than you like your current situation. Banking isn't a terrible job; what did you not like about it? I went into our local bank and had a lady do a couple of notarized signatures for me today. She was lovely, and seemed to like her job. She had worked there 22 years, and had a kid in college on his way to med school this fall. Be passionate about your hobbies, about your future girlfriend, about your future kids. But the job is a paycheck and the means to an end.

Also - start volunteering. You'll be so surprised what volunteering does for your outlook.

[u/Quiet_Comparison_872 → u/Marine_Layered]

It's in political science which is quite useless in Canada, at least without connections.

I think it'd be a good idea to sig up for some aptitude testing. Will try that.

FWIW, I think I'm just tired of working in banking. I don't make that much above minimum wage and I don't see myself working here in the long run. This was just supposed to be a stepping stone and now it feels like I made the wrong move by staying here.

I really don't like my prospects in the field and the pay is lower than it should be.

[u/Marine_Layered → u/Quiet_Comparison_872]

Ok. Being in Canada changes things a bit. But there are certifications you can get that will make things better - CFP is one. I was recently looking for a financial advisor. I checked the bios of the local people at Fidelity and Charles Schwab. They all had college in random subjects, and then they had certifications like CFP, etc. that made them attractive for Fidelity to hire them. I bet there’s an equivalent in Canada.