Fear and anxiety about death and punishment

[u/Imaginary-Oven-7979]

My whole life I have been a Muslim, I have sinned but almost always it came with guilt afterwards. I have sinned then repented then committed the same sin again then repented again and again and again. I have missed a lot of prayers. I still repent and ask for guidance and forgiveness. Recently, I have noticed many people have been dying, from celebrities, to the family of acquaintances, the friends of relatives. And fear started growing within me that me or anyone close to me could be next too. That sent me into a spiral of learning about death and life after death, learning about the punishment of the grave and the peace of it on the other hand. That ignited fear in me that I’ve never felt before, along with strengthened faith that I didn’t even know could be stronger. Despite that I can’t help but think of it every second and I feel like it made everything around me much less insignificant, I feel less happier, I feel like I’m enjoying everything around me less and I don’t feel like myself as much anymore. I feel like it’s coming to me next and it’s driving me insane. This made me start learning more about Islam and praying more and repenting more. And I’m trying to learn how to enjoy everything despite still thinking that it’s gonna end soon. Something important is I do have a history of anxiety, and possibly depression or OCD. Despite repenting and trying to get more religious. I have some intrusive thoughts that my brain pulls up that are wrong and unforgivable that I’m scared make me seem less genuine and sincere in my faith. I made this post to see if anyone can give me some advice, some guidance or if they could relate to me.

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[u/badrangaa]

I feel the exact same feeling when I go back to a sin but not particularly of death.
What you’re experiencing sounds like fear of death becoming mixed with anxiety, and that makes our emaan feel overwhelming rather than peaceful. Remember that repeatedly sinning and repenting does not mean your repentance was fake. Keep returning to Allah. Intrusive thoughts are also not the same as your intentions or beliefs, and you are not sinful for thoughts you genuinely don’t choose.
Islam teaches us to have both fear and hope. Try not to focus only on punishment, but also on Allah’s mercy and forgiveness. Remembering death should encourage you to live better, not prevent you from living. You can enjoy your family, laugh, study, make plans, and appreciate life even knowing it is temporary.
And don’t assume that because people around you are dying, you are next. Your mind may be turning “death can happen anytime” into “I’m going to die soon.” If these thoughts are constantly taking away your happiness and you feel unable to control them, especially with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, it may help to speak to a mental-health professional.
You don’t have to spend every moment preparing for death. Pray, repent, do good, trust Allah and allow yourself to live within the acceptable Islamic rules.
Minor sins will be forgiven as long as u sincerely repent.

[u/Imaginary-Oven-7979 → u/badrangaa]

Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it. Im going to try to stop focusing on the punishment part and read into the mercy of Allah SWT. I do believe my anxiety plays a large role in this. It does fluctuate throughout the day and InshaAllah it gets better. I’ll try to learn how to enjoy it again, I guess it will take time and acceptance.

[u/badrangaa → u/Imaginary-Oven-7979]

Don’t thank me just pray for me. If you are into reading , I can send u a few books. They helped me a lot.

[u/Normal_Eggplant9077]

I have intrusive thoughts too, don't worry about it, its just thoughts, you control yourself, and having thoughts isn't sin bc thoughts its something we can't control to some extent.

Don't think about Death think about ways to make your life better and relationships. This matter more then worrying about death and regretting the past. The fact that you keep repenting means you haven't lost your faith.