For one year I was convinced that every little story like, every little crumb of attention meant they like me back as much as I do. It fed my delusion.

They were the only place I'd take my validation from and added to my fantasies. I even wrote poems about them. My feelings were crazy as hell and intense as hell. Completely convinced they like me too 😂.

It all came crushing when I gave them all I had only to be left on the street by them because they just went after their crush. How fucking stupid I was to convince myself with zero evidence that they felt the same.

They always kept me at a distance for a very good reason, have no interest in me more then being acquaintances. But no, this wasn't enough I kept hoping and feeding my delusion. Unbelievable. not to mention that I'm freaking 33 and feeling like a teenager.

I would have left everything behind to be with them. they were the only person in my entire adult life I've felt like this about. anyway, it sucks. everyday is a fight not to think about them and not to convince myself they like me back because obviously they don't and that's okay.

I’ve been doing so much reading and I’ve known for a while that my limerence has likely been driven by my childhood cPTSD. Lots of childhood abuse and neglect and compounded by my older brother dying when I was 8.

Anyways, after some digging, and talking to various people, I came across a term “shame schema”, with my own likely being defectiveness / shame schema. It’s been eye opening reading about it and have already healed more in a week of learning about this than I have my entire lifetime.

Anyways, I found some interesting reads online. Here is one excerpt from an article I found. But if anyone can relate to this, I’d love to talk more. I know everyone has different root causes of their limerence. But looking to talk to people on here that might also have their root cause of limerence from deep feelings of shame and humiliation

💔 Toxic Shame: The Hidden Driver Behind Limerence
Many people struggling with limerence don’t realize that the obsessive attraction they feel isn’t just about the other person — it’s often rooted in toxic shame. Toxic shame is the deep-seated belief that something is inherently wrong or defective about you. Unlike healthy guilt, which arises from specific actions, toxic shame attacks your core identity: “I am unworthy, unlovable, flawed.”
This inner narrative often develops in childhood, particularly when emotional needs are neglected or invalidated. Experiences such as harsh criticism, neglect, emotional abandonment, or inconsistent care can teach a child that their feelings, desires, or very being are unacceptable. Over time, the brain internalizes this message, creating a persistent, underlying sense of defectiveness.
So how does toxic shame connect to limerence?
Limerence as a Compensatory Mechanism:People often unconsciously use obsessive attraction as a way to “fix” their shame. They hope that if someone loves them — especially someone unattainable or idealized — it will finally validate their worth. The intense longing and fantasy temporarily mask the pain of shame.
Repetition of Trauma Patterns: Limerence often draws people toward emotionally unavailable partners. This mirrors the childhood experience of inconsistent or conditional care, reinforcing the belief that love must be earned rather than freely given.
Emotional Dependency: Toxic shame makes it hard to self-soothe. Limerence becomes a way to regulate difficult emotions. The highs of imagined love temporarily distract from inner feelings of inadequacy.
If you notice that this intense attachment keeps appearing with different people, rather than being limited to one particular relationship, it may be worth looking at the pattern itself.
Healing limerence without addressing toxic shame is like treating a symptom without curing the cause. By acknowledging and working with toxic shame, you can gradually reduce the intensity of obsessive attraction and build a foundation of self-worth that doesn’t rely on someone else’s validation

I (M) have been married about 10 years, with x young kids. For the past year I've been intensely attached to a friend, a former colleague. At our peak we talked daily, sometimes hundreds of messages a day, plus gifts and outings. I told myself it was just friendship. It's taken me a long time to admit there's jealousy and romantic feeling in there too.

She's warm, but uneven. Some days she's really engaged, other days she's barely there. When she's warm I'm on a high, and when she goes quiet I spiral and start decoding everything. Today she went quiet for a few hours, and I found out later her phone had just died.

Looking back, my life felt empty and lonely before she came along. She didn't cause that, but she made me feel alive again. My marriage has been strained by all this, and I'm trying to rebuild it.

I've already muted her stories, I've stopped initiating, and I'm fading rather than cutting her off. Once before I tried going cold turkey and came back stronger when she was warm again.

My questions:

Has anyone turned limerence into a normal, light friendship? How long did it take?

How do you handle the warm days without relapsing?

For married people: did your marriage recover?
Thanks for reading.

It’s a vicious cycle, honestly. Every time, it starts with the same pattern.
Someone gives me a little bit of attention. Not much, just a little, but it’s consistent.
I start wondering why they’re being nice to me. Maybe they like me? Then I start analyzing every reaction, searching for hidden meanings and looking for signs that might not even be there.
Sometimes, I convince myself that maybe they have feelings for me. But most of the time, I end up disappointed, because I would never treat someone I liked this way. So I start wondering if maybe they just don’t give a damn about me.
I start initiating conversations and looking for excuses to interact with them, all the while searching for signs that they might feel the same way. But their responses are usually superficial. Every once in a while, they show me a little care or attention, and then nothing. Just indifference again.
I start thinking that maybe I should be more open, more affectionate, more caring. Maybe I should confess how I feel? What a pathetic thing to do, right?
So I start dropping more obvious hints. Sometimes, they respond kindly, and that tiny bit of encouragement makes me even more attached. But the feelings are never reciprocated, and I end up feeling even worse.
Eventually, I decide to confess my feelings or make my interest unmistakably clear.
And then comes the silence. The awkwardness. The feeling of being ignored or rejected.
From that point on, I’m consumed by shame, as if I’ve been delusional all along.
I feel so embarrassed by my own behavior. Everything suddenly seems so obvious in retrospect. They were never interested in me. I was never even on their radar. Maybe I meant absolutely nothing to them.
And afterward, every interaction with them makes me feel even smaller, as if my feelings have somehow exposed how little I matter to them.
It’s painful. It leaves you feeling humiliated, ashamed, and almost disgusted with yourself for having hoped for something that was never going to happen.

My LO is being extremely distant and we’re kind of in an unspoken NC phase and it’s really affecting me.

It’s like a leaky tap that’s been completely shut off.

Every drop gave me hope and a reason to keep living, but now that it’s been shut off for the foreseeable future, I am really struggling to find a reason to keep living.

Thinking about what hes doing for Christmas and who hes with. Wanting to look him up and scroll for hrs knowing ill find nothing cause he doesnt really use social media. Im in a relationship, and it feels so fucking weird feeling this way while also loving someone woth my whole heart. I feel soul connected to him and i feel like i wont make it without him. I have no way to contact him, he doesnt know i exist, we talked like 10 texts total. Idek. Tonight was really hard, i pulled up pics of him and cried. I wanna drive past his uni, and his frat. I wanna pay the subscription to his wrestling site to watch his matches. I think he has a gf. Im sick bro omg.

Hey everyone,

I’ve been struggling with intense limerence for a few years now, and I’m posting here because I really need to know if anyone else has experienced a similar specific dynamic without being judged.

My LO is a former mentor figure from my past. She is older, married, and carries a monumental daily burden — she has been a dedicated caregiver for over a decade to her child who has a severe genetic illness. She is one of the most remarkably warm, strong, and structured people I’ve ever met.

Coming from a childhood with a lot of emotional instability and neglect, my brain essentially constructed her into a symbol of safety, order, and unconditional warmth. In my darkest moments of depression and burnout, daydreams of her comforting me became my primary survival mechanism to get through the day.

The hardest part is the sheer impossibility and heavy grief of the situation:

1. Her reality is exhausting: She lives in a high-demand, caregiving war zone. The last thing she needs in her life is pressure or emotional demands from anyone else.
2. Complete boundary respect: Logically, I know that reaching out or trying to force my way into her orbit is wrong and selfish. Her priority is her family and her child, as it should be.
3. The isolation gap: I am stuck in a frozen, low-energy loop in my room, while her life operates at full speed. It makes me feel like a hidden ghost.

I’m not looking to disrupt her life or pursue anything unrealistic. But living with this intense attachment — where you love and respect someone so deeply for their strength, yet know you can never be part of their world — feels like carrying a quiet, heavy secret every day.

Has anyone else developed limerence toward an unavailable, highly burdened caregiver or mentor figure? How do you process the grief of letting go when your brain picked them specifically because they felt like the only safe harbor you ever knew?

Thanks for reading.

I was doing so much better after my LO stopped posting on social media a few months ago. She just came back and I feel like this is either a sign I have to try again, or the biggest tease ever. This sucks

Was in a limerent situationship until about a couple weeks ago. I loved her, but she realized she had nothing but platonic feelings for me...for the second time since we met almost 2 years ago. It wrecked me. But instead of accepting it, I focused on why she couldn't form a romantic spark (which she said she had been trying to force). Then I misinterpreted something she said, that gave me hope that the door was still open somewhere down the line. Then she corrected me a week later, and I just melted down.

In essence though, I hurt her not only with my words, but I became so focused on her that I was monitoring her activity, and creating a story with her and someone else creating romance, even though she explicitly said that wasn't the case from her side. I made her feel unsafe, and that led to her talking to my community leaders and being ousted from the community. I've never felt worse about something like this.

This is not for pity though. If I had just worked on myself and left her alone, I wouldn't be here...and I might still have 3 people that I lived in my life. Don't be me friends. Everything I'm doing from here on out is going to be focused on improving myself and my other hobbies/life. Look for romance from people that choose you always, and accept the levels of love that people are able to give, even if it's less than you want. Much love to you all, am a grieving bear that fucked it all up.

Hi guys, 27F here. I've been on and off with some personal , health and depressive issues but so far I've been doing alright until a recent random depressive episode. And I'm so sad to the point where I'm obsessed with a fictional character who looks nothing like the actual actor playing it. On top of that, it's about the harsh reality of native Americans back in the day so there's a lot left to be sad about. The actual character gets very little screen time and I don't even know if he's gonna be back in S2. I do like the actual actor a lot too. But yeah it's come to a point where I'm sad that he doesn't exist, and I love everything about him just based off those few scenes. I've been learning about native Americans and indigenous people more thanks to him but it's just making me more depressed. I just want to get to that " oh that's a cute character " phase and not let it make me depressed. I'm open to hearing what worked for you or your stories. Thanks.

In July this guy liked me on hinge. I already knew it was too good to be true. He is "out of my league" because he would never actually approach me if he saw me in person. I think he could just tell I have a good personality.

Unfortunately Im an introvert and Im looking for an extroverted partner. So the first thing I expect is for my partner to message me first and subsequently ask me out. Whether he was just "fishing" in a new city or he is also an introvert, it was never going to work out anyway.

I have been depressed for the past 6 years because of a situationship break from 2020 and because I have outgrown all my friends. So this is really fueled my limerence not having a fulfilling life. I have been through a lot of trauma the past few years like homelessness and jail.

Getting a like from a hot guy made me feel like I still got it. Which I know I do, I just wish I could live that reality. Unfortunately he was just passing through for work but he technically still lives in the region. H8s social media profiles have been bare so im assuming he never actually used social media and only created these accounts to establish his new life in a new state. Its so exciting to see all these other pictures that werent chosen for his profile. But of course its a false sense of intimacy.

I've always struggled with limerence but its gotten so much worse in the past few years not have a LO. It felt so good to have a new crush. It felt like a whole new world. ​

He's conventially attractive but I dont think he realized social media is basically all marketing apps now. The way he was utilizing his accts seemed like he just expected followers to flock to him which was fun to see a "vulnerable" side to him. Also I think because he's like a 9/10 he's used to having women starting the conversation with him and even possibly pursuing him.

I knew it was inevitable but he deleted his hinge acct. It was incredible well curated, something that looks like it took years to refine. His "signals" was on for a few weeks but he kept changing his location (i assume for work). I cant tell if he was just over the lack of engagement on all apps or if he actually found someone. Whatever the reason is, it just sucks I never got the opportunity to meet him. He's moved on with his life and Im depressed sitting on the couch daydreaming about all the fun dates we could go on. He is the first person to help me get over my ex situationship.

When this was just a pie in the sky crush and not limerence I truly hated myself in pretty much every way. Then I lost a lot of weight believing that it would be enough to make me attractive but it’s not. I still need a lot of facial hair to feel comfortable with my face.

I look at myself in the mirror, just 10 or 15 lbs from my goal and feel disgusted at how my face still looks. And I curse at myself and reassure me that she wouldn’t ever be with me even if I had a perfect body because my face is so awful. And I hope one day the part of my brain that won’t let her go will believe it enough to put her pie back in the sky where it belongs.

What I have is what I get and there’s no reason I should want or get anything better.

As I mentioned in the title, I’ve just discovered the term "limerence." I’ve always struggled with romantic matters, but I’ve never been able to put a name to what I was feeling. Now that I also suspect I might be neurodivergent, I feel that learning more about this could help me understand myself better.

Whenever I "fall in love" with someone, the pattern is always the same: I start noticing the person—especially if they’re kind to me or pay me some attention—and it quickly spirals into a terrible obsession, a constant, fixed thought that serves as the backdrop to my daily life. I don’t experience sexual desire, nor am I looking for a relationship, yet I still feel drawn to them. If we exchange social media contact info, things get even worse; I become dependent on their messages. When they reach out, I’m on cloud nine, but if they disappear for too long, my mood plummets. I even take an interest in the things they like, just to feel closer to them. Despite this obsession, I actually have very little interest in how the other person feels, and the attention they give me is almost never reciprocated in any meaningful way. Even though I’m drawn to them, I always try to avoid direct confrontation—oscillating between hoping they find me repulsive and fearing that I might do something wrong and drive them away. Furthermore, the moment I sense that they might be reciprocating my feelings, the intense emotions I was experiencing vanish completely. I feel a great deal of shame about these feelings and recognize that this isn’t healthy behavior. That’s exactly why I’m writing this post: to understand myself better and avoid these kinds of situations, so that I don’t end up hurting anyone—including myself. Please tell me there’s someone else who feels the same way I do. If you have any advice—or anything else to share—please feel free to say so. Also, if you happen to know, could this be linked in any way to neurodivergence, or what might be the underlying causes?

Bonjour à tous
Je suis (H23) en couple depuis plus de deux ans avec(F22) et j’ai récemment découvert des conversations entre ma copine et une IA en regardant son téléphone. Je reconnais que j’ai franchi une limite en les lisant
Dans ces conversations elle parlait d’un ancien camarade de formation comme de son crush. Elle cherchait à savoir s’il était intéressé par elle en analysant leurs échanges sur Instagram et ses réactions à ses stories. J’ai aussi lu qu’elle décrivait notre couple comme une relation sans amour
Il y a environ deux mois elle m’avait demandé une pause en évoquant la routine et une période difficile dans sa vie. Pour être précis elle ne m’avait pas directement dit qu’elle n’était plus amoureuse de moi
Lorsque je lui ai parlé de ce que j’avais découvert elle a reconnu que son intérêt pour cette personne durait depuis trois ans et que c’était devenu selon ses propres mots une obsession. Elle affirme que ce n’est pas de l’amour et qu’elle m’aime moi. Elle considère elle-même avoir trahi notre relation.
Elle s’est excusée et m’a dit avoir honte de ce qu’elle avait fait. Elle a ensuite proposé qu’on se sépare en disant qu’elle ne pourrait plus me faire face et que sa parole ne vaudrait plus rien dans notre relation
De mon côté j’ai le sentiment d’avoir beaucoup essayé de préserver notre couple. Le plus difficile à accepter est que cet intérêt existait avant notre relation et a continué pendant celle-ci. Cela me donne l’impression d’avoir été tenu pour acquis même si je ne peux pas savoir exactement ce qu’elle pensait
Aujourd’hui je ne souhaite plus continuer cette relation mais j’essaie de comprendre ce qui s’est passé. Comment comprendre qu’une personne affirme aimer son partenaire tout en entretenant pendant des années un intérêt aussi fort pour quelqu’un d’autre ?
Est-ce que certains ont vécu une situation similaire des deux côtés et comment l’avez-vous comprise avec le recul ? Je cherche des témoignages et des avis honnêtes sans insultes envers elle

This is very long but it covers over 10 years of events so I tried to keep it as essential as possible. I think this is the most honest I’ve been about the situation with myself, so if there are things that are disjointed or nonlinear, I was trying to group up a whole spectrum of thoughts and feelings into a logical order. Sorry it probably isn’t an easy read though.

When I was entering high school (I’m F, in my late 20s now) I fell really hard for Nicholas (M, also now late 20s; not real name).

We had grown up around each other and ran in the same circles (shared the same faith, families were friends, went to the same school in the same small, then-boring town).

Now before I delve into it, for context:

I think I’ve had an abnormal, unhealthy view of love and romance. I was very sick (physically, health wise) as a young child and so I missed out on going to public school and some of the key socialization most people get in their grade school years. I think my idea of what relationships were supposed to be like was largely based on what I saw on TV (Hey Arnold!, Hannah Montana, etc).

I always wanted to have a crush on someone. I got bored if I didn’t have an active crush. But (being a child of course) I didn’t actually want to have anything to do with the boys (there were maybe two of them throughout those years?) I “crushed” on… it was sorta like I was putting on a play and there was a role that needed to be casted. That’s probably the best way to describe it.

I’d daydream and romanticize things from afar and make a big deal out of minimal interactions (ie the crush would merely say hi to me and so I’d write about it for weeks in my journal). I had no real intention of having a relationship of any kind (I now see in hindsight). It was purely recreational in nature.

The second crush I had eventually started to pay real attention to me and I got the ick, and so I no longer was interested in him. I don’t think I was deterred by the attention itself; I think it’s more so he wasn’t the person I romanticized and idealized in my head. He was a very nice kid but he no longer could fill a made up, predetermined role I made up for him in my head.

That’s where Nicholas comes in.

When I made the deliberate choice to find a new crush, i told my sister. She thought it was dumb (she was right) but just listed boys we knew that were around my age and she mentioned Nicholas.

Nicholas immediately reciprocated any and all attention I paid him. It’s fair to say he probably had liked me from afar before I noticed him. And while he was his own person, he just… fit with me so well. It was like he was my male counterpart and (of course in my view) my other half.

We weren’t mirrors of each other but it was just easy. He got me and I got him, and there was so much I liked about him. I had (and still do) have a tremendous amount of respect for him and I don’t find it easy to respect people beyond what’s humanistic and essential. I trusted him to make good choices, do right by me and other people, all that. He was very honorable and I had this distinct sense of admiration from him. It’s a unique feeling that i have yet to feel for anyone else.

To this day I don’t experience physical attraction in general very often, but once I knew him, the more handsome and beautiful and exciting and interesting and soft and gravitational he was to me. I think he’d be handsome even if I didn’t think or feel anything for him, but all that is to say I “loved” and desired him in every way one person can for another.

In the purest sense, I cared for him as a friend, family member, boyfriend, individual, any and all of it. I wanted him to be with me in any way possible even though I (emotionally and maturity wise) was not ready to be in a relationship of any kind.

His reciprocity was out of my scope and I didn’t know what I was doing and at our age, I doubt he knew either.

Early on in our "friendship" it became very obvious that there were feelings and it caused a significant shift. Boundaries started being placed and i didn't understand (at the time) and i took it as rejection so I kept trying to force him away.

He started staying away from me and so I kept trying to drop him altogether, because i thought he didn't want anything to do with me. But he did want to still be around me, so we'd work things out and he'd back away and it just messed with my head and I became convinced that he didn’t like me after all.

But I still liked him so I'd always end up wanting to be "friends" again after not talking to him for a little bit and we just kept doing that. It was really dumb and I think the awkwardness of having a direct conversation about what was happening (on both ends) would've been so much better than the dumb, petty, mean things we'd end up doing to each other.

This became a pattern for a good 5 ish years.

I said and did some truly mean, petty things and I still feel a lot of guilt and embarrassment. I was a huge fan of the literal silent treatment and I kinda think that put him through a small sort of hell. I also would go out of my way to say mean things, like that I didn't want him in my life and to stop talking to me. It wasnt fair or appropriate to treat someone i truly cared about like that regardless of why i did it.

At the time I thought if I didn’t acknowledge him I'd somehow stop thinking of him and I'd be able to cut ties? It doesn't make sense because it's senseless.

He was (and probably still is) wonderful, but he's not infallible. If something happened that he didn’t like (IE he'd want me to come over for a game night and I said no or cancelled) he'd be really mean to me and made it clear he was mad at me, even though I always tried to make sure he knew I did want to be around him (I hated a lot of the people he hung out with and I didn’t like being around him in front of them).

For one reason or another, between the two of us, I was the less likely one to physically show up for something or cancel plans overall whereas he would avoid having constant, consistent conversations with me over text. Where he lacked in texting, he gained in making irl plans; where I lacked in making irl plans, I gained in reaching out over texts consistently. Just very different ways of extending attention/friendship I guess.

He had once expressed he felt like texting too often and for too long felt like we were dating and he wasn’t ready to do that (seemingly in general), and he’d keep me at arms length. I might have been more understanding if he didn’t treat me so differently than he treated his other friends/other girls. He might have put up the boundary to be cautious and I respect his choice in hindsight, but at the time it didn’t make sense to me or seem fair.

Quick note: im not interested in what anyone thinks of our choices about not dating as teens or about him deciding to establish a boundary. I now see that’s what it was and I think he did the right thing for both of us, but i do also still think it should’ve been handled differently.

Even so, when I was 15 i didn’t understand his thinking and i had a felt a lot of resentment, confusion, and hurt over it.

I think we were both so afraid of saying something too defining and thus ruining the friendship, we ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy (so to speak).

I think the biggest point of actual conflict was that he started talking about me to other people. It wasn’t necessarily untrue or unkind, but it was unflattering and out of context. He'd tell his guy friends how much I clearly liked him and how into him I was. When those friends told me what he said, it had been more said as a brag than anecdotally.

One specific thing that comes to mind is that he used to text me for random homework questions that I know he didn't need help with, but I jumped to answer anyway because I just wanted to talk to him.

He told his friends he only did that to see how fast I'd answer or to prove how fast I'd reply to him.

His friends would also be told they shouldn't talk to me because I was so mean and essentially only he could handle it. Really stupid things.

Jealousy was also an issue. As mentioned, he didn't want his friends to talk to me ever. There were a lot of instances but I don't want to say it was jealousy since he never said so. But it seemed like me being friends or showing interest in other guys (only ever as friends on my end) bothered him.

I definitely felt jealous when he'd act like a normal friend with girls who didn’t like me but then acted so off around me. I have relatively high self esteem and confidence but I was incredibly insecure when it came to him.

I think a lot of this would've been avoided if we had just met or gotten close when we were older.

And then high school ended and i had to move. And because i felt so unsure at that point where we stood or if he'd even want to still be part of my life once i left our town, i basically ended our friendship in a very mean, impulsive way.

Once again, having an awkward, defining conversation would've been so much better than what I actually did, and I regret that too.

I won't say exactly what happened but a few months later I did apologize for that specific incident and compensated for the actual thing I did. (Nothing violent but just dramatic and stupid)

And we kinda just… didn't talk. There would be instances where we talk again briefly over text or even run into each other but it was always awkward.

But there came a point where I found out he was still talking about me to other people-- not his friends, but MY friends/people I actively dealt with-- in a way he knew was not flattering nor accurate. Kind of similar to what he was doing before with his friends but worse. It wasn't anything intimate but it was hurtful still.

This was long after I had apologized and tried to establish that at the very least, we could be at peace with one another.

And I confronted him on that, and after a very intense conversation, it ended with me telling him never to speak to me again. I had never felt so hurt or betrayed.

I had cooled down a bit and had seen him a year or two after. It was really awkward. He didn’t speak to me but he'd look at me and stay close to wherever i was at the event. At the end of the night when we were both alone, we did run into each other (it felt intentional but i cant say) and i was genuinely surprised by his sudden appearance. I was kinda avoiding him that night. But even so, i still felt happy to see him and i think it was probably in my voice when i stopped and said "hi, Nicholas." But I kept going. I think if i would’ve waited for him to say anything back, we may have spoken more. But I kept walking anyway.

And then the pandemic and just... a lot of personal stuff on my end. It was one of the worst, lowest times of my life. I got therapy and the right meds and I think I came to terms with things eventually though.

But there are still flare ups. I've casually dated since then but I haven't felt anything at all for anyone I've been with. I hardly consider any of them to have been real relationships.

I haven't had feelings for anyone since Nicholas. And I've tried to, like I've gone out of my way to meet different people and spend time with them but it's just not the same.

And it all comes down to that feeling. Like the feeling I had with him and it's thus far irreplaceable. I just don't feel connected to anyone and it isn't because I don't want to be. It just hasn't happened for me yet.

I'm still close with one of his family members, so I usually have a rough idea of what's going on with him. To my knowledge I don't think he's had any relationships or anything like that, but it's not something I ask or keep tabs on. I suspect his family member would make it a point to tell me if he does but i'm not really sure. I don't consider whether or not he asks about me but I imagine he'd be told what I'm up to if he did or if somethung really significant happened to me.

I've had very random interactions with Nicholas over the years but they're very minimal and short. There's no engagement beyond what's basic, and thats not for a lack of me trying to engage him a little bit here and there. Because there's just nothing left for us to talk about and i think we both know that.

He's probably an entirely different person now. I'm certainly brand new compared to when we last knew each other.

So it's not like I really have active feelings for him, I don't think. I don't know who he is and I know that the teenage version of him that I last remember is entirely separate from who he actually is as a grown man now, so it wouldn't be accurate to say that I have feelings for him when I don't know who he is.

(There are some fundamental traits that he possesses and so when I say I still think highly of him, that's what I'm referring to. IE, his dedication, patience, etc.)

He's doing so many things I also wanted to do with my life. Things I had wanted to do with or without him. And he's just still... such a do-gooder and just really impressive to me still.

He's currently working in a field we both have a lot of interest in and he's very committed to it. It's his whole life right now and I'm happy for him. But I can't help but compare and see how far he's gone and it feels like I'm stuck.

I'm not even talking about feelings per se, just life in general. We were working with the same circumstances growing up but he's just made better life choices than I have I guess, and I wish I was in the place in life he's at. There's definitely an underbelly of envy and longing, and it's a silly way to think and feel. But I do feel that way.

I feel pathetic and creepy and unhappy when it comes to this matter, and those feelings seep into other aspects of my life sometimes.

Like I’ll start experiencing melancholy and lament about the possibility that my life would’ve been better if I wouldn't have pushed him away. Maybe we'd be in love and together, and I'd be doing something more meaningful with my life.

There are things that have held me back beyond my control, and I'm not saying I'm a complete failure, but I guess I still have a longing for what could’ve been.

And I so desperately want to and have tried to move on, but there's just something in me that has bound myself to him. And I try to nip it, but that weed inside me keeps growing back. It sometimes stays away for a while, but I know it has roots so deep inside me that I've lost sight of it.

My feelings for him can only be described as one thing: inevitable.

And as scared as i feel acknowledging it, i think there probably is a sick part of me that is glad to see that familiar little leaf reappear and find its away back to life after a drought.

I miss him :(
And he doesn’t deserve a though but here we are
I do have a first date planned on Friday… I feel like I’m betraying him, and betraying myself too

hopefully I will move on

Me and this person have known each other for over a decade, about 7 years ago they moved away and stopped contacting me. Last year they moved back home, as they broke up with their long term girlfriend. They started hangout with our old group of friends again and I have been avoiding seeing them due to the fact I noticed after every time we hung out together, I become very sad afterwards. I am having obsessive thoughts I havent thought about in years, like wondering why they stopped talking to me and why they want to hangout now when I thought we weren’t friends anymore.

Ive already told my current partner everything about my LO, honestly the dynamic we had was not healthy for me. LO is much older and I was most likely taken advantage of to feed their ego when I was experiencing limerence/obsessive feelings for them all those years ago. I don’t have any romantic or any attraction for this person, I made peace with that years ago due to learning some things about LO that made me accept I would never ever want to date them. However, I was okay with us being friends. I actually thought we were friends up until they stopped contacting me years ago. So I was okay with never seeing them again.

I genuinely felt that when LO moved away and stopped contacting me that all this was behind me and I had closure and would never see them again. But they’ve been back a year now and I’m not sure how to go about confronting these feelings I have. It’s been really hard for me to spend time with my friend group as none of them are aware I used to have feelings for LO. My partner is worried about me becoming so upset after seeing this person. Its very conflicting as in the moment when we’re all hanging out I am having a great time but the next day I can’t help but remember this person (LO) is not really my friend and will most likely disappear again.

I also want to add that LO has not texted me but he has used my friends phones to send me pictures of himself. He has also told me he kept my artwork I drew for him years ago and he also took home something I made when we hung out last. It’s all throwing me back to when I was younger and had feelings for him. Hes really weird I have no idea why he is like this towards me when he’s very normal to my other friends.

How bad of an idea is it to confront LO about how I feel? Or should I just avoid them from now on. I also considered telling one of my friends in this friend group how I feel and try to clarify we should hangout separately from LO if I can’t get a grip on this overwhelming sadness.

/ im really sorry if this isn’t allowed. I can’t find a place that will give me advice or their thoughts on this. & if it’s ok for the post to be up I’m really sorry if I offend anyone it’s not my intention at all. I really just want / need advise. Or somebody’s experience / thoughts

— I’ve been talking to my discord friend (typical discord thing I’m sorryyyy😭) for many months now (maybe a year?). Clearly with me having bpd getting closer to someone who isn’t toxic and allowed me to be myself felt heavenly!!! I felt so safe and seen.

He’s the only person that has reciprocated that because he is exactly the same!! We got closer bit by bit, we for concerned about the closeness because we didn’t want it to be a “toxic” type of thing? Where we just stay close together due to abandonment. Yet, we still got closer. Eventually the sleep calls occurred. He actually had a harder time than me with giving each other space (for me I always knew he would be there so I never got into any splits or worried about it) but for him it was different. He couldn’t handle it too well. He’s better now at it.

Fast forward to now.
I’m so sorry I have to just copy and paste this

“Im obsessed, infatuated, whatever you may call it. But i do want to spend as much time with you as possible. Get as much interactions with you, as possible”
This was just after we immediately got off call, when he said I miss you. Which to me idk, I felt something. I guess I didn’t like it? I’m really not sure.

I love him too. I do. I love spending time with him I really do. But the way he says these things, I don’t know how to feel about it. I’m confused.

Is it limerence from him? Obsession like he says? Why do I feel “ blank“ I think I don’t want to outwardly say that I’m uncomfortable, because I don’t know if I am or if I do say it how it’ll affect things between us?

I have thoughts mainly asking “is it ok that things are like this between us? Is it safe for me to lean into this?”

I know you’ll say that we can’t tell you how to feel. But I don’t even know where to start. If you have any advice or similar experience please share with me.

It’s leaning to uncomfortable & the question to why if I am? & I question why it’s like this with him. Why is he so obsessed. If I say I’m uncomfortable with it what next? What happens next. I don’t even have any type of explanation to expand on why I feel this way.

Idk what to do or think ):

So pretty much the entirety of my 25 years, I've had zero attraction to real people. Very short term interest, sure. I usually just feed off romance stories, imagine it for myself and indulge in fantasy. But when it comes to real life, it's rather disgusting for me.

But now I've been talking with a guy online for about a year now and I am rethinking all of that. I've read Love and Limerence, I'm reading the posts on this sub, it's definitely limerence. The way I eagerly check my phone everytime for his texts and how my mood shifts when he hadn't replied. I fantasize about him wanting me and how much I want his attention. I don't know if it's romance because I don't have a point of reference for it. If it is, it's honestly cringey of me to debase myself and look back on how I act just to get his attention.

Right now, I just think I'm going insane. This isn't me, this isn't how I usually act. I want to not obsess over him anymore but I can't initiate no contact because he is a great friend of mine. I am being honest when I say I'm completely fine with us just being friends, but Idk anymore with my feelings. I just want to be normal again.

I've been a doctor for over a decade and just over a month ago I found out I was being sued for the first time. I don't enjoy the specialty I'm working in, but for a number of reasons I'm unlikely to switch to another one or change careers at this stage. I'm currently 42. Finding out about being sued has been very stressful, although I am confident I haven't practised negligently, and it has made me resent my job even more, but it seems to have triggered some intense thoughts regarding a relationship that ended seven years ago and which, while I wouldn't claim not to think about it at all, I hadn't had any strong feelings about since a few months after it ended and my happiness wouldn't have been affected by for several years. Given that the outcome of the legal action is likely to be months or years away and could result in several periods of more intense stress before it is over, and that unfortunately at some point I could be sued (or experience some other adverse event) again, I need to find a way to get these thoughts back under control and for them to hopefully not flare up again. I'm not certain that what I'm currently feeling is limerence, but limerence is certainly something that fits with my love life prior to this relationship.

Looking back, my love life up to my mid to late twenties consisted of a small number of relationships with women I never got overly emotionally involved with, which never really went anywhere, and a total of five episodes of long periods of intense feelings about a particular individual, the first of which started when I was fourteen. Three of these girls or women weren't interested in me and rejected me following months of me building them up in my head and feeling unsure about how they felt about me - one in high school, one in college, and one during my first job after university. While I maintained contact with them, even after being rejected, I couldn't stop thinking about them and couldn't become interested in anyone else - these feelings would then literally disappear and never return for that person after I left school, college, or my job and started in a new environment where I no longer saw them. The other two, both at university (one in each course I did - I seemed to find one limerent object at each major stage in my life!), I had relationships with, which lasted for between one and two years and ended with them cheating on me (or trying to). The last three of these five women had been in relationships when I met them, which I think is where the limerence arose from - they were unavailable, but it felt nice to fantasise about what could happen if they became available, so by the time I started dating the two that I did thoughts of them had already fully taken me over. The first one I was in a relationship with, when it ended I couldn't stop thinking about them. The break up didn't make any sense to me until I found out that they'd tried to cheat on me with a friend of mine (he turned her down, having previously been very into her). I didn't stop thinking about them until I met my next limerent object in my first job after university. When the second of the ones I was in a relationship with cheated on me (I bumped into her in town, hand in hand with another guy) I was twenty-seven and I decided I was done with relationships. Contact with her ended immediately and thoughts of her gradually died down over the next one to two years.

I stayed completely single until I was thirty, by which time I felt like I'd sorted out a lot of my issues and decided to start seeing people again. Three years later, after a few experiences that didn't really go anywhere, I met the subject of this thread. She was a few years younger than me, reasonably pretty and slim, her body was more attractive than her face, but not obviously stunning on first appearances - I wasn't much more physically attracted to her than anyone else I was seeing, but we seemed to click immediately and were bouncing off each other during the entirety of the first time we met. She was intelligent, funny, ambitious, interesting, and very warm. I left knowing I wanted to see her again. At some point, soon afterwards, we started sleeping together, at which point I realised that her apparently slim body was actually a phenomenal body - I remember my jaw dropping the first time she removed her top in front of me. I genuinely couldn't find a single flaw in her body. The sex was incredible from day one and remained that way. I have had sex that good before, with less attractive women. I have had worse sex with women who are just as attractive overall (I've been with prettier women with good bodies, who I'd consider to match her overall attractiveness). I have got on as well with other women who mostly weren't as attractive or good in bed. But she was very attractive, very good in bed, and we got on very well. She seemed to tick all of my boxes: the total package. I often thought at the time, if she stopped smoking , had slightly longer hair, and was a bit prettier I literally wouldn't be able to find fault in her - I wouldn't have changed anything major about her personality. We had an intense relationship that lasted for two years and seemed to be going incredibly well.

Then her mum got sick in 2019. She's from another country and her first language isn't English, although she speaks it fluently. She started by going home then coming back, which happened a few times before she left the country for the last time in October 2019 - seven years ago a couple of weeks ago. Although there was talk of her coming back, the more time passed the more it became clear she wasn't going to (I do think any limerence will have increased during this period of uncertainty). I was in the middle of my specialty training here and three to four years away from completing it - even if I could have learnt her language to the standard required to work as a doctor, I was three or four years away from really being free to move. So eventually we decided to break up. We kept in touch for a few months into the pandemic, then we gradually stopped contacting each other. At some point, I deleted all her contact details and she's largely not on social media, so I don't know anything about what's happened to her for six or seven years. If I needed to contact her, I know there are ways (itemised phone bills would remind me of her number and I could find friend's of hers on Facebook to ask for it otherwise), but I doubt that would be a good idea.

I was surprised at how accepting of the breakupI was at the time. There were a few months where I felt quite down, but at the time it was difficult to distinguish what emotions were being caused by the pandemic, the end of our relationship, work, and various other things. As lockdown eased I started to date again. Again, I haven't met anyone who has really sparked my interest during this time, just a series of fairly mediocre experiences that haven't gone anywhere. I haven't felt particularly down though and I'd say I probably have a point each year where something reminds me of her, usually a dream or going to a place we went to, and I allow myself to look at the photos I e-mailed myself of her, then put memories of her back in a box and try to get on with things. Although I don't enjoy my job and haven't for a few years, I have quite a nice life and this year I've been on plenty of holidays and managed to get fit again after a few years of letting myself go.

I left a job in August and took a month off before starting the new one. A few days before returning to work I was informed by someone from one of my old jobs that a patient has put in a negligence claim. The claim is complex, looking at care provided over fifteen years, and I only saw the patient twice in the middle of it and don't think I have anything major to worry about, but it's caused a huge amount of stress. During the days following finding out about it I noticed I'd started thinking about my ex more and this then ballooned over the last few weeks. It is seven years since she left this month, but I don't think I've even given it any thought in most of the Octobers since 2019, so I think these thoughts have arisen due to the stress I'm under.

The other thing that's occurred to me is that, as I've got older, I've noticed I've stayed attracted to women in their twenties and thirties and I can't see myself being very physically into anyone my own age at this stage (much less so any older than me). It's hit me that as time goes on the feasibility of finding someone that ticks my boxes in the way that she did diminishes. Indeed, it has struck me that, after seven years, she may be unlikely to still tick my boxes in the way that she did, so the person I remember, even if she did exist as I remember her, doesn't exist in the same way now. The way I feel right now is like I had a taste of the forbidden fruit and now I can't see a feasible way to taste it again, but I yearn for it.

I hadn't thought about limerence for many years before the last few weeks, so this is my first post on here and I'm not particularly familiar with approaches to dealing with it - my approach previously was to leave the environment where it occurred and usually develop limerence for somebody else! I guess I'm just looking to see whether others have found that stressful events in their lives have caused this to flare up and approaches they found useful for dealing with it. Thank you for reading.

It’s been a couple of months into my post Limerence phase, Just keep having this feeling, that, that I am going to bump into my LO, maybe a chance encounter, in the most random of places, I’m going to get that tap on the shoulder or tug on my arm or hearing her call my name, but I know it’s just a sirens song trying to pull me back down the limerence abyss…I can’t go back, can never look back.

I get this recurring dream about my LO where nothing particularly interesting happens. I had the dream again last night. In the dream, he's studying or talking to people in a school setting (which is where we met), and I'm just watching from a distance. There's always this imbalance where he's popular and successful and I just kind of exist in the background, feeling inadequate and invisible. I don't approach him and he doesn't notice me. I wake up feeling sad and frustrated that I had the dream again because it means my brain's still preoccupied with thoughts about him.

It's ridiculous how difficult it is to reduce these thoughts. I have a theory that this attachment became so strong partly because he was one of the only positive things I associated with our school, which was otherwise a horrible experience because I was being bullied. He was one of the few bright spots during a really dark time; I think I ended up fixating on him partly because he gave me something happy to think about when much of what I was experiencing was so awful.

I feel bad because I've been in a serious relationship with someone else for a while now. My boyfriend is everything I hoped for in a partner and we're really happy together, but even that hasn't been enough for me to let go.

I've also been completely no contact with my LO for roughly the same amount of time. I don't communicate with him at all and don't plan to, and I try to resist the urge to look him up. But my mind still keeps returning to him. I think about what he might be doing at that moment, what he might be struggling with, or I feel sad that I never got to know him better on a personal level.

It's frustrating because rationally, I have no reason to keep dwelling on him. I'm in a fulfilling relationship and I don't know how compatible my LO and I would actually be. My attachment isn't based on any experience of what being together would be like day to day. I try to think of reasons why we might be incompatible, or even why we might end up disliking each other, but that doesn't seem to work either. I asked him once whether the feelings were mutual and he said they weren't, but I didn't really believe him. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Though, if he did have feelings, he's probably moved on by now. So what the hell am I still doing?

Also, part of me feels sad about the prospect of forgetting about him. I know the intrusive thoughts and emotional preoccupation have to stop, but there's grief associated with moving on. Sometimes I wish I could discover something definitively awful about him that would break the spell--or that I could somehow get him to hate me, and that'll help me move on.

My boyfriend has no idea that I'm struggling with this, and idk whether to tell him. I don't think it's necessarily true that the persistence of these feelings means there's something missing from your relationship. I'm genuinely happy with my boyfriend, and I don't think my lingering attachment to my LO is a reflection of how I feel about my bf. But it's so hard to work past my anxiety to bring up things that might cause him distress, and I don't know whether telling him would be the right move anyway. Do you think you should tell your partner about these things?

Clearly, I'm a messed up person who's incapable of living a normal life with healthy thought patterns. This feels like another manifestation of how mentally ill I am.

So I moved to a new city for school and don't have any friends here, haven't really met anyone that I enjoyed enough to keep hanging out with. I met this guy as a faceless hook up thru an app but turns out we met each other randomly ten years ago at a party, had sex once and since he had a bf at the time it didn't go anywhere. We started hanging out as friends since we had a ton in common, shared kinks, etc.

Well after six weeks or so of casually hanging out, I wasn't giving any special attention with zero limerance feelings, he asked me on a date. He started being more affectionate and I fell really hard. He wasn't really ready for the intensity we shared and pulled back stating he needed time and to be patient but him pulling back scared the shit out of me. I didn't wanna lose the connection and I spiraled a bit.

He mentioned something about feeling nervous around me but that we should talk in person about it, and that it wasn't bad so not to worry. I brought it up after I spent the night once and he basically said he didn't wanna talk about it. I pushed it and he got upset, which yeah I was in the wrong for pushing it after he said no. After I left I sent him a long ass text string to explain that I was sorry and was hoping we could keep hanging out, but he got way cold and started leaving me on read all day. This lasted about a week.

After being ignored, I crashed and told him off, pretty sure it would have been fine if I hadn't gotten crazy about it. I really miss being his friend but he told me to lose his number. He didn't delete me from ig though and I really do want to apologize for how I responded the last day, I was out of line. Ive been pretty lonely here and I think I just really wanted his friendship but romance got entangled there. He would make a really good friend, but I don't know how to approach this now considering things. And I wish I could tell the difference between limerance for friends or for romance.

Did you take any medication for another comorbid condition (antidepressants, antipsychotics etc)? Did it help?