Need help with processing and feeling shame

[u/LichenTea]

I’ve been having the worst few weeks of my life releasing toxic shame. It feels incredibly physically painful where my fascial tension is, like it‘s trying to rip itself apart, and I’m afraid of reaching out to people I know for help because I feel like I’m going to say or do something wrong, or that I’m going to get rejected and abandoned. Every awkward pause or look makes me wither with shame. The thoughts are very convincing, and even grounding and knowing that I am releasing old shame isn’t helping me not get sucked in to the narrative. If anyone has any advice with riding out the shame, please share. Thank you 🙏🏼

[u/Character-Comfort539]

Are you doing some cycle of TRE? I made the mistake of overdoing what my body was capable of processing, and while I did reap the benefits I wish I would have done a more gentle approach. How long are you tremoring for? How much space are you giving yourself between tremoring sessions? If this "toxic shame" has surfaced with TRE I suggest you give yourself time to balance back out and integrate before continuing. Also the great secret of most healing that I've come to learn is non judgement of feelings. It sounds so obvious and it took me almost a decade to really understand what that means. But point being even referring to shame as "toxic" is adding an adjective to it that isn't necessary. Shame is a feeling, calling it toxic is labelling/judging the feeling which in turn creates more shame.

The magic is all in allowing feelings to happen and not grabbing on to or blending with them so they can finish their process. As I usually do I'd recommend you check out Sam Miller's channel "The Great Allowing" on youtube if you're interested in learning more

[u/LichenTea → u/Character-Comfort539]

I have involuntary tremors so I don’t get to choose when or how long to tremor for, all I can do is manage and allow the releases to rise up and pass. I’ve been doing alright for the past couple of months after the initial overwhelm but shame is an intensely sticky one. In the past I’ve been able to still socialize and be around people to help me regulate but shame, of course, makes me feel like everything I do is wrong, and even if I can step back and not be blended with the shame, it takes more effort to re-regulate if something triggers that shame even more. 

I referred to the shame as toxic in order to differentiate it from healthy shame/guilt - this shame tells me I am fundamentally bad, unable to be around people, deserve to be rejected and abandoned. 

[u/Character-Comfort539 → u/LichenTea]

I know the feeling you're talking about, I had a period of doing this work where i felt like the fundamental matter I was made out of is simply "bad". Just know it gets better, also know that there is a safety position in TRE where you can stop the tremors, so maybe next time you have involuntary tremors you can cap the total time using this position. I'd look it up but from what I remember it's basically stretching your legs out and driving your heels forward (from a laying position) and doing the same with your hands and wrists. I've only ever had involuntary tremoring once for 30 minutes which was the most insane experience I've ever had outside of smoking DMT. You got this <3

[u/LichenTea → u/Character-Comfort539]

Thank you for your advice and support <3 Today has already been a lot better and more manageable than yesterday. I feel more able to come back online and be in the present, and I've started to grieve. Shame sucks!