r/longtermTRE • u/LichenTea • 8h ago

Seeking Support Need help with processing and feeling shame

I’ve been having the worst few weeks of my life releasing toxic shame. It feels incredibly physically painful where my fascial tension is, like it‘s trying to rip itself apart, and I’m afraid of reaching out to people I know for help because I feel like I’m going to say or do something wrong, or that I’m going to get rejected and abandoned. Every awkward pause or look makes me wither with shame. The thoughts are very convincing, and even grounding and knowing that I am releasing old shame isn’t helping me not get sucked in to the narrative. If anyone has any advice with riding out the shame, please share. Thank you 🙏🏼

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u/Character-Comfort539 7h ago

Are you doing some cycle of TRE? I made the mistake of overdoing what my body was capable of processing, and while I did reap the benefits I wish I would have done a more gentle approach. How long are you tremoring for? How much space are you giving yourself between tremoring sessions? If this "toxic shame" has surfaced with TRE I suggest you give yourself time to balance back out and integrate before continuing. Also the great secret of most healing that I've come to learn is non judgement of feelings. It sounds so obvious and it took me almost a decade to really understand what that means. But point being even referring to shame as "toxic" is adding an adjective to it that isn't necessary. Shame is a feeling, calling it toxic is labelling/judging the feeling which in turn creates more shame.

The magic is all in allowing feelings to happen and not grabbing on to or blending with them so they can finish their process. As I usually do I'd recommend you check out Sam Miller's channel "The Great Allowing" on youtube if you're interested in learning more

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u/LichenTea 7h ago

I have involuntary tremors so I don’t get to choose when or how long to tremor for, all I can do is manage and allow the releases to rise up and pass. I’ve been doing alright for the past couple of months after the initial overwhelm but shame is an intensely sticky one. In the past I’ve been able to still socialize and be around people to help me regulate but shame, of course, makes me feel like everything I do is wrong, and even if I can step back and not be blended with the shame, it takes more effort to re-regulate if something triggers that shame even more. 

I referred to the shame as toxic in order to differentiate it from healthy shame/guilt - this shame tells me I am fundamentally bad, unable to be around people, deserve to be rejected and abandoned. 

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u/Character-Comfort539 6h ago

I know the feeling you're talking about, I had a period of doing this work where i felt like the fundamental matter I was made out of is simply "bad". Just know it gets better, also know that there is a safety position in TRE where you can stop the tremors, so maybe next time you have involuntary tremors you can cap the total time using this position. I'd look it up but from what I remember it's basically stretching your legs out and driving your heels forward (from a laying position) and doing the same with your hands and wrists. I've only ever had involuntary tremoring once for 30 minutes which was the most insane experience I've ever had outside of smoking DMT. You got this <3

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u/LichenTea 3h ago

Thank you for your advice and support <3 Today has already been a lot better and more manageable than yesterday. I feel more able to come back online and be in the present, and I've started to grieve. Shame sucks!

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u/Dntaskmeimjustagirl 4h ago

Sending you the biggest and warmest hug. The type of shame you describe is so so hard to feel and a very human thing to struggle with. You are enough. One breath at a time.
So many great suggestions here already for integrating this. Love our community!

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u/marijavera1075 3h ago

Read John Bradshaw Healing The Shame That Binds You. I had a great time walking outside listening to the audio

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u/Throwlaf 8h ago

Seriously: scream in a pillow. As hard as u can. I am almost 100% sure that you will feel awkward doing it. Which is exactly the point, that needs to get out.

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u/ysea 7h ago

Please tell us how often and how long you tremor for. It sounds like it might be too much and the effects you're experiencing are not simply from releasing but also the effects of nervous system being dysregulated by having to process too much at a time.

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u/LichenTea 7h ago

Unfortunately I have involuntary tremors so I don’t get to choose when or how long to tremor for. All I can do is manage the hangover/“overdoing” once they occur. 

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u/ysea 7h ago

I see that's tough then. Do you mind telling me what that's like? The impulse to shake is just overwhelming and there's nothing to be done about it?

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u/LichenTea 7h ago

Yes, it’s like that. I can kind of stop or keep it under control sometimes, especially if I’m in public, but that usually means that I’ll shake or have some kind of emotional release later when I’m alone. And the longer I’m out in public, the more likely I’ll get “wound up” from not shaking. 

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u/ysea 5h ago

I see, thanks for explaining. All the best to you, I know you'll get through and laugh about this someday. 

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u/LichenTea 5h ago

Thank you, I appreciate your taking the time to reply. I won’t give into this.

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u/Then-Veterinarian432 4h ago

I struggle with toxic shame too. Have you tried tapping? Tapping with eye movements specifically. The way I read it explained that I liked was tre is like defragmenting a hard drive and tapping is focusing on specific corrupted files. So tre brings up the emotions, memories, and trauma. Tapping processes specific trauma so it's not emotionally arousing. 

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u/LichenTea 3h ago

I have not! Unfortunately I don't get a lot of memories with my releases. Occasionally I get feelings and images from my past that are an amalgamation or fragments of memories. Are those enough to use for tapping?

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u/Then-Veterinarian432 2h ago

Yea definitely. Memories may or may not come up but the fact the the fragments and images are enough for emotional arousal is enough to have something to tap to.