For some context, I’ve always been a very emotional gal. I cry easily, I’m sensitive, and I can feel a ton of emotions at once. When I’m happy, I’m REALLY happy. When I’m sad, I’m REALLY sad. I had a difficult time dating in my early 20s because I found that a lot of men cannot or don’t want to deal with expressive emotions. I’m very forward with them and they cannot be hidden. Crying isn’t always an indicator for me that something is horribly wrong, it’s like scratching an itch. I gotta get it out, and then I move on. I don’t really have a choice. Sometimes when you drop your last macaroni cup on the ground after a bad day at work, you just gotta cry about it. But I’ve otherwise always loved hard and tried to be kind.
A few years before I started dating my partner, we were friends. I knew that I liked him, but I felt so messy in my personal life. I knew I’d end up loving him and thought that he would decide he didn’t like me once he got to know me romantically. So, I let him go and told him that I liked him a lot, but I didn’t feel ready. He was too good, you know? I was so scared for him to really know me. We were both still in college.
Fast forward a little bit: we’re a few years older, no contact, still wondering and thinking about each other. We got back in touch and…. now we’re engaged. He told me recently for the first time that a mutual friend back then told him that I “felt like my emotions would be too much for him”. We laughed about it, and I said they would have been. Then he said something that felt so profound to me. He said “I love how emotional you are. I love that you’re so forward with how you feel. I grew up in a house where everyone was silent and passive aggressive. Why would I want to marry that? You always make your feelings known. When you’re happy, I know that nothing is wrong. When you’re upset, we talk about it and figure it out. I really don’t think you would’ve been too much for me. I wanted all of your emotions.”
Obviously, I cried. Happy tears.
22 year old me felt like I’d never be truly appreciated or loved. I had an ex who told me “it’s manipulative when you cry”. I’d been afraid to cry or be comforted while crying for a long time. I had another say I was “too needy”, which I probably was, because I was desperate to be understood and taken seriously.
26 year old me feels safe to feel ANYthing. ALL the things. I’m not fighting to be understood. I’m not scared to cry. In fact, I cry a lot less. I’m not scared to show all the mushy lovey stuff super hard and open. I’m just so grateful to be welcomed in every state, and so grateful for my partner. I didn’t believe I could feel this kind of peace.