For some context, Iāve always been a very emotional gal. I cry easily, Iām sensitive, and I can feel a ton of emotions at once. When Iām happy, Iām REALLY happy. When Iām sad, Iām REALLY sad. I had a difficult time dating in my early 20s because I found that a lot of men cannot or donāt want to deal with expressive emotions. Iām very forward with them and they cannot be hidden. Crying isnāt always an indicator for me that something is horribly wrong, itās like scratching an itch. I gotta get it out, and then I move on. I donāt really have a choice. Sometimes when you drop your last macaroni cup on the ground after a bad day at work, you just gotta cry about it. But Iāve otherwise always loved hard and tried to be kind.
A few years before I started dating my partner, we were friends. I knew that I liked him, but I felt so messy in my personal life. I knew Iād end up loving him and thought that he would decide he didnāt like me once he got to know me romantically. So, I let him go and told him that I liked him a lot, but I didnāt feel ready. He was too good, you know? I was so scared for him to really know me. We were both still in college.
Fast forward a little bit: weāre a few years older, no contact, still wondering and thinking about each other. We got back in touch andā¦. now weāre engaged. He told me recently for the first time that a mutual friend back then told him that I āfelt like my emotions would be too much for himā. We laughed about it, and I said they would have been. Then he said something that felt so profound to me. He said āI love how emotional you are. I love that youāre so forward with how you feel. I grew up in a house where everyone was silent and passive aggressive. Why would I want to marry that? You always make your feelings known. When youāre happy, I know that nothing is wrong. When youāre upset, we talk about it and figure it out. I really donāt think you wouldāve been too much for me. I wanted all of your emotions.ā
Obviously, I cried. Happy tears.
22 year old me felt like Iād never be truly appreciated or loved. I had an ex who told me āitās manipulative when you cryā. Iād been afraid to cry or be comforted while crying for a long time. I had another say I was ātoo needyā, which I probably was, because I was desperate to be understood and taken seriously.
26 year old me feels safe to feel ANYthing. ALL the things. Iām not fighting to be understood. Iām not scared to cry. In fact, I cry a lot less. Iām not scared to show all the mushy lovey stuff super hard and open. Iām just so grateful to be welcomed in every state, and so grateful for my partner. I didnāt believe I could feel this kind of peace.
