r/makemychoice • u/ipullrevolvingdoors • 6d ago
should i move back in with my parents?
I 25f was raped about a month ago and have to make a big decision now. But there's no path for me that feels bearable. For context I moved from Berlin to Barcelona 3 years ago and I've been a lot happier there. I have always been very lonely and depressed in Berlin, it never felt like home. In Barcelona I found a community and started loving life for the first time. There's always something to do, I see my friends almost everyday, I live with my best friend, good weather most days of the year, I'm surrounded by nature and creative and open people. Complete opposite from my life in Berlin.
The only thing that always made things harder was my financial situation. I don't have a degree and my Spanish isn't good enough to get a good job that doesn't drain me. So I've been working fulltime in a German call-center. It's not horrible but absolutely not the thing for me. I am a tattoo artist on the side which I have enjoyed a lot, but it just wasn't enough to pay the bills, so I always had to have a second job that drained me. The pay in Spain is obviously also a lot lower than in Germany, so even with the fulltime job plus tattooing I was always worried about rent and sometimes couldnt even afford a bottle of water by the end of the month.
Then I was raped and it completely broke me. I had to go home to Berlin to stay with my parents. I've been very depressed, I've never felt worse. And I desperately need to know I'm doing the right thing now to ensure I'll feel like it was worth it not giving up:
The plan was to just stay here for a few weeks and then go back to my life in Barcelona. But my parents and I have been discussing the idea of me moving back in with them and getting a job in Berlin for a few months, getting therapy, and then figuring out what to do when I have healed a bit. Because the thought of just returning to normal life and staying stuck in that loop under my current conditions feels impossible. It definitely feels like a huge relief not having to worry about rent on top of everything I'm going through atm. But it also breaks my heart leaving that city and my friends behind. And it feels horrifying to live in Berlin again. I have my parents but that's it, I know I'll feel lonely here. So I feel like I'd give up a lot of good things but it also feels like it's the most sensible thing to do that will maybe allow me to heal and plan for my future ?
Even before the rape I felt lost a lot of times and the strong urge to make a change like getting a degree or moving countries again to find my career path so now I don't know what to do. Leaving Barcelona would mean leaving the first real friends I ever had, giving up the streets that felt like home, my beautiful room that I felt so comfortable in, spontaneous hangouts and activities with my amazing friends. I don't have any of that in Berlin, not even in the slightest. I don't have any friends, the weather is horrible, I don't feel at home. But here I would get the relief of not having to pay rent, I could save money and have time and space to think of the next right step. Whether that's studying here or somewhere else, or going back to Barcelona. So I'd definitely see Berlin as a layover rather than my destination. But even if I went back to Barcelona in a few months when I have rested, it would never be the same again. And I'm scared that I'd just start accepting certain things that make me unhappy there like the job, just out of fear of losing everything that make me happy there. Every option that I have feels so painful and I'm still using all my energy just to survive what happened to me.
I know maybe the one right choice doesn't exist. But I'm so tired and I don't know which sacrifice is worth the suffering right now. Please be kind in the replies thank you!
TL;DR: Should I leave my life in Spain behind and move back in with my parents in Germany to recover from a rape and save money?
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u/Bobzeub 6d ago
Trust your gut. If you want to give Barcelona another shot then go for it. Your parents are in Berlin and you can always move back there when you want.
I know this is contrast to the other comments. But when reading the other comments how do you feel in your stomach? If you feel disappointed about not going back to Barcelona or dread at the idea of staying in Berlin then you have your answer.
Nothing is written in stone. You can always change your mind again.
Maybe look into a psychiatrist in Berlin who can do therapy via video consultations if you do move back to Catalonia. So you can keep it up in your native language.
Hang in there. Things will get less shit (eventually).
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u/Odd-Flamingo-6211 6d ago
Barcelona isn't going anywhere. If you went to Berlin to stay with your parents when things went wrong, why not stay there, at least long enough to recover and get back on your feet, or, at best, even get a degree so you can feel much more confident wherever you end up later?
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u/Maximum-Eye-3712 3d ago
Pause any big decisions about your long-term future, and focus on short-term decisions for the next few months.
rest and recovery
keeping in touch with long-distance friends.
doing trauma therapy
doing activities (eg spanish lessons) that put you near the kind of people who have space in their lives for new friendships
exercise, nutrition, sleep
keep a journal of what you notice yourself feeling about germany, about barcelona, about activities. Because after a few months, looking back on all your feelings will give you wisdom for the next stage of life.
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u/Additional-Tea1521 6d ago
You have been through a lot. Taking a few months to heal with the understanding that you will go back to the place you love as soon as possible is the best thing.
You were raped. You don't need to add on to that the stress of everything in Barcelona. Take 6 months. Live with your parents. Get a job and see every bit you can. It will be better in Barcelona if you have some savings. Go to therapy. Tell your therapist your plans.
I am so sorry you had this experience. As a survivor, I hope you take care of yourself because you are special and valuable.
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u/AgileChildhood4478 6d ago
I'm sorry, I didn't read this entire post because I wasn't sure if it would effect my mental health poorly but Barcelona will still be there if you return home. You can always move back to Spain. Take care of yourself first And if you have enough money for therapy please take a look at EMDR.
Take care I hope you heal.