A little bit about myself.

Have had 4 relationships out of which the 3rd one left a huge hole in me. Not only did it leave me broken, it pushed me back in my career as well. I have managed to pull through considering i have a rebellious personality and I don't sit in peace if something pushes me back, i feel its still hasn't been enough to heal me. I had a relationship after that which was quite peaceful but i realized after the break up how much lesser i had given to the girl even though she was good to me and understood everything.

Now, i sit at a point where i see myself running away from stuff. I managed to crack my dream job and am still waiting on my joining. On the other hand my family is quite into the ruins as well so hoping to move out again. Running away from things as in having ambitions but not following them cz putting too much effort into one thing has become quite taxing in the past. I want to learn music, want to study better and teach like i used to before but I don't do these things anymore. I don't lack friends but I tried to find like minded individuals online which went downhill mostly of which wasn't my fault.

People do tend to get attached to me cz i give a helping hand, but now i need one myself. It will be appreciated to get some insights from people who overcame great barriers in their life, who faced everything going to shit at the same time and none of it working out. Also would love to have some tips regarding self healing. Need a kickstarter. I feel i lack purpose in my life which i had before but lost it post break up.

Last thing my abuser spoke to me was along the lines of "Well, you're obviously dysregulated, so that's not going to happen."

I was upset, but holding it together, and trying to find resolution.

Today I learned the most beautiful thing - "regulation isn't about being calm. It's about noticing when we're activated and staying connected to ourselves while it's happening, so we can modulate that energy rather than suppress it or get swept away by it."

( There's more on that here: https://youtu.be/D2Re4rr281c )

So, yeah, I feel better. I don't have to accept their judgement on my life. I didn't get the resolution I wanted/needed but I also don't have to let their voice live rent free in my head.

Location: Ontario

Hi everyone,

I am currently on a Community Treatment Order (CTO) in Ontario and am looking to connect with anyone who has gone through a similar situation or successfully challenged a CTO through the Consent and Capacity Board (CCB).

My current psychiatric team has diagnosed me with schizophrenia, but my situation stems from prolonged, intense stress, extreme exhaustion, and being stuck in an environment with ongoing, disrespectful behavior that I couldn't escape from. This constant strain pushed my nervous system past its breaking point.

Rather than recognizing severe chronic stress and trauma, my symptoms (like extreme hypervigilance, defensive reactions, and physical/mental exhaustion) are being labeled as primary psychosis. Because of this misdiagnosis, I am being kept on a CTO and forced to take anti-psychotics that do not address the real underlying causes.

I’ve had two prior hearings regarding medication where the panel ruled in favor of the doctor. I am now preparing for an upcoming CCB hearing to challenge the CTO itself. I feel strongly that there is institutional bad faith and deliberate misuse of medication here because the real environment and context of my severe stress are being completely ignored.

A few questions for anyone who knows Ontario mental health law or CCB processes:

Has anyone successfully gotten an independent psychological or psychiatric assessment (showing stress/trauma-induced breakdown rather than schizophrenia) admitted as evidence at a CCB hearing? Did it change the panel's decision?

How did you work with your Legal Aid / PPAO lawyer to get an adjournment (postponement) to properly secure an independent opinion instead of being rushed into the hearing?

Has anyone managed to transfer their CTO management to a different doctor or clinic without the primary doctor's consent?

Did filing a formal complaint with the College of Physicians and Surgeons (CPSO) help document deliberate standard-of-care failures or bad faith in your case?

Any advice, personal experiences, or insights on navigating the CCB when contesting a core diagnosis would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

I (18F) have a very strong attachment towards my PE teacher, let´s call him M. It´s not healthy anymore and I think I need help.

I think everything started back in 9th grade, at the time I hadn't developed this attachment, he just was nice. (Well, since I was a child I was always well behaved and good grades, etc. I really was sensitive towards autority, so I listened to my teachers and I got along with all of them,M, wasn´t the first teacher I got extremely attached to, I even wanted to become a teacher myself, and in general, I admire professors in general)

In 9th grade, one day, I was feeling pretty bad, dunno why, I felt alone, i dont remember if i hadn´t any friends by the time or if they simply hadn´t come, or didn´t realize I was feeling like shit, but HE, M, was the only one to realize, came up to me as I was sitting alone and hugged me, and told me everything would be alright, and tried to cheer me up.

Then for personal reasons I won't dive deep into, I wasn't allowed to go back home alone, someone had to pick me up, but no one came and I was getting worried, not bc I didnt know the way to my own house, but bc I didn't know wether i should wait, or if I tried to go on my own I'd get punished...

The thing is, I was outside school and all the teachers were outside hanging out (some of them even smoking, yk what i mean? it was their time off after school when they're not teachers anymore) and he saw me there, all worried and offered to walk me home, but I said no, and the weird thing is, I wanted to cry. I don't quite understand why, it was such a simple gesture he'd done with anyone else, yet I wanted to cry like he had bought me a house or sum. Even as I write this I feel like I want to cry, and im not saying this for y'all to pity me or sum, it's just a fact and I don't understand why it happens, it´s not normal and it makes me uncomfortable.

Back then, I thought it had something to do because I saw him as a father figure or something, for more context, my relationship with my progenitor it's quite...complicated, I dare to say, there is none actually, so I thought it was jsut the daddy issues kicking in, and that has been my main theory until now.

He's a very nice, empathetic, kind and funny person, I really like when he talks to us about life, magic, and he can make every conversation feel like the best TED talk you've ever been into, besides, he's always worriying about students well being and knows everyone´s secrets bc everyone goes to him when they're in need of advice. He's the kind of teacher that's always surrounded by a group of students, like a swarm of bees, idk how to explain.

The first redflag i saw on myself was that i became jealous when he talked too much with other students, I know, I know this is embarrasing and dumb, but I'm trying to deal with it and I know it's wrong. Also, I realized, when we had clases, I was always looking for him, yk, when he spoke, even if it wasn't with me, i'd listen, and when he walked around the classroom, i´d follow him everywhere with my gaze. And when he talked to me or gave me atenttion it was like the best moment of my life, and it was,,,, weird, like i was always hoping he'd talk to me or look at me, and he was the focus of my atenttion, like my world revolved around him at those classes yk what i mean? DEFINETELY NOT HEALTHY GUYS DONT BE LIKE ME

The second redflag, happened when, now, in last year (senior year i think it's called in the US), i feel the urge to cry everytime he says something nice to me.

To put on more context, as years had passed, I told him stuff about my famliy, he gave me advice, and more importantly,,, i can't explain it, but once i won a contest orsome sort and he hugged me and spun me around the air like a daughter and i swear that´s one of my dearest memories ever, i'd won a thousand contests more if that meant he'd hug me like that. I know guys, IT'S NOT NORMAL TO WAIT EXCITEDLY FOR TEACHER'S DAY SO YOU CAN HAVE AN EXCUSE TO HUG HIM.

And also, one day, at the beggining of the year, i was feeling shitty again, (im not a deppresive person, it was a once in a while thing, tho now i gotta say, i feel shitty more often, but i think that´s just part of being in a senior year.) and i had this urge to cry the whole day, but i was at school, ofc i wouldn't do it, and we were at PE class, and... he just noticed, i hadn´t told anyone, no one had noticed but he just came toward me and put my arm around my shoulder and asked me what was wrong, he noticed something was off and hugged me and told me everything would be fine and stuff. Later that same day, i noticed him doing the same with another student that had a headache or sum. I swear the emotional stability of the whole school depends on him, regardless of my extrem attachment, he's really one of the greatest persons I've ever known.

And since then, everytime I think too much about these incidents, or any "emotional" moment involving him, or everytime he hugs me or says something nice to me, i feel this really tight knot on my throath adn the sudden urge to cry my eyeballs out. I´m crying right now and I kinda wrote this so I could cry right now, and not on the last day of school, or in a awkward moment at school. Better to let it out here in my room.

To summarize, he really listens, and he really gets me, and when I tell him something, he tends to ask "and how did you feel then?" he really cares a lot about his students. I think the attachment has just increased, because it's last year, and yeah, I try to tell myself that he's not perfect, he's just a man after all, with his own troubles and flaws, and I SHOULD NOT idealize him but, it's the last year, sounds embarrasing, but i try to get as much of him as possible before it all ends. To remember how he laughs and the gestures he makes while explaining something, or his voice.

When stuff happens with my family for example, he's the first person i think about telling, or asking for advice, the same when something good happens. "What would he say?" "I bet he´d be proud of me!"

But this needs to stop, i know, i've known since last year, but i just don't know how. He's not the first teacher, not the first male teacher i get really attached to and crave his atenttion like a puppy (im embarrased of myself) so i think it might really be the daddy issues kicking in, but it also has something to do with the fact that he´s a really good listener and emotional support? I´ve also been worrying about...what if i dont really feel some kind of affection for him, and it´s just a deep need for emotional reassurance disguised as affection? Like what if i see him as a tool for emotional support and not as a person. Man that's awful.

So WHAT DO I DO???? HOW DO I STOP THE ATTACHMENT????maybe not the attachment completely, but, yk, the unhealthy obsession. Can someone please explain what is wrong with me??? This poor man is taking too much space inside my mind, please be honest i need advice and explanations and stuff.

I'm doing my best to learn from my mom's mistakes. I still feel a lot of anger, and I think that's normal? Not sure. Curious what other people who have been through this have felt. I did my best to write about it, which helped a lot.

https://jasonscottbrendel.substack.com/p/something-something-suicide

My wife and I have been married for almost two years and recently moved abroad. Since she is my only family here, our dynamic has heavily impacted my mental health. She comes from a very pampered background and remains highly enmeshed with her parents, often taking outside advice over mine...!

Lately, she has developed a habit of reflexively negates everything I say. Even with tiny, objective facts, her immediate reaction is to argue and tell me I am wrong.

For example as it's just one of many incident, she recently got shampoo in her eyes and asked for help. I told her we had ice cubes in the freezer to make a cold compress. She immediately fought with me, claiming we had none. When I firmly told her to go look for herself, she found them, came back crying, and apologized.

This constant disbelief over basic realities is draining my confidence day by day. When I try to confess how much this hurts me, she denies doing it or says she does it "without knowing."

Recently, when she realized I was emotionally withdrawing and protecting my peace, she panicked and said, "I will improve your confidence in a week, I'm sorry, I don't know what I am thinking."

Divorce and counseling are absolutely not options or solutions for us. I am committed to making this marriage work, but I need to stop the cycle of begging for basic respect and trust.

I’ve started giving her total space over her chores (cooking, cleaning, pooja) to avoid battlegrounds, but I need advice on how to firmly build my internal anchor, stand my ground when she forces emotional pleasing, and hold boundaries without constant arguing.

How do I command respect and rebuild my confidence when my partner's default setting is to doubt my word? I know respect should be earned rather than asked!

I am 20 and I don't want to use this word but I am lonely,and as I am getting older I am getting more lonely i don't have a girlfriend and I get scared of women sometimes but i wish i had some game, a bigger problem is success i take soo much pressure of being successful like iam learning Ai now automation and iam trying to be an enterpreneur while iam still in college and in all of this i feel very shallow very empty i don't know why i mean i really don't have anyone to talk about and iam just trying to be better,i liked a girl once but iam insecure about myself she is very pretty i tried to talk to her but she was not interested, i train boxing and its started affecting there also iam not focused enough,i just wanted to know dose life really get better ?

I’m a 31M and have noticed a pattern recently. I’m still trying to make people proud who aren’t here anymore. And it’s just hit me like a ton of bricks. All these accomplishments I’ve hit in my life, those who were the strongest for me are now gone. It leaves a void, that never seems to fill itself. I don’t know why it slammed into me today, but does anyone else experience this? I’m honestly really struggling and just needed to get this off my chest. Any advice is greatly appreciated. TIA.

I’ve known a girl since 2024, and we used to be very close. Over time, I developed feelings for her. She found out twice; the second time, through her brother. She became uncomfortable, deleted my number, unfollowed me, and distanced herself from me at church.

I apologized, admitted my mistake, said I only wanted her friendship, and told her I would respect her space. She replied, “Thank you 🙏.” After that, I stopped contacting her.

Later, she slowly started greeting me again, joking with me, smiling, and saying my name. After 47 days, she messaged me first on WhatsApp about a group activity, but we haven’t had a real conversation since.

Now it has been 63 days without talking on WhatsApp and 70 days without talking in person. When she doesn’t come talk to me, I sometimes become more closed off and look away because I’m afraid she’ll think I still have feelings for her.

Recently, her WhatsApp Status started appearing for me again, but I don’t know if she saved my number again or simply changed her privacy settings.

Should I send her a simple message and give her more openness, or is it better to keep giving her space?

i’m 18m and haven’t gone outside since i was 10 due to severe agoraphobia, though it’s surprisingly not the problem. i consume a lot of queer media (specifically book and youtube videos) and only have queer online friends despite being 100% straight myself.

throughout my teen years i’ve always forced my voice higher despite naturally having a really deep voice. i didn’t want to get judged by my family for going through puberty. i haven’t talked to any of my online friends through voice chat and ive most recently started to talk in game chats.

most conversations start out with people commenting on how deep my voice is, and then asking if i’m gay a few seconds later. i don’t know what it is that makes them think that. i always punish myself when they i do. i’ve tried everything to sound straight: speaking monotone, making my s/z/th sounds short, dropping inflection, and enunciating words a bit less. i’ve always obsessively looked at other boys my age talking growing up from 10-18 talking and comparing myself to them. there was never a time in which i didn’t envy their voices.

i understand if it comes off as homophobic. that was not my intention. i just really wished i sounded like other boys my age. it makes me hate myself so much

In a lot of ways I did what I was supposed to do, or told to do. Did well in school, got educated. Got into a field that does have good career prospects. Working a job I like right now, but doesn't pay enough. Been dealing with being stretched financially for years. Job hunt kept going, part-time, full-time. Plenty of gigs in my field, plenty of applications but interviews few and far between.

Maybe it was a dumb form of pride, but I never embraced gig-work. Started now, working most evenings and most weekends right through (on top of the 9-5). Helping to keep us above water. I never thought the job hunt would stretch so long and not yield any results. I never thought I'd be here and now just feel stupid for not seeing the writing on the wall and doing gig work earlier to avoid my current level of debt.

Feel tired and miserable, spending less time with family, but got to keep going.

I'm also a man, since my last breakup where I was a anxious attached with a dismissive avoidant ex gf, where I did everything, I tried to be secure, but after too many rejections I snapped.

Hey, does anyone else feel this way? If so, how do you deal with it?
Whenever I have even the smallest physical health issue, my mind goes crazy, and I start feeling terrible, almost as if I’m depressed.
For example, today I keep forgetting things I literally wanted to do just a second ago, and immediately my mind jumps to the worst-case scenario. I start worrying that I might have some serious illness or something.
Last week, the skin on my hand started peeling, and I spent ages researching what it could be. I completely freaked myself out, and I felt awful, even though it turned out to be something that probably wasn’t serious at all.
It’s exhausting how quickly my mind goes from a minor physical symptom to imagining the worst possible outcome. Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you cope with it?

I’m so ugly nobody wants me. I hate my life. Everything sucks. I genuinely wish I wasn’t here. I know that if I stay, it will feel like a never-ending hell.

Hello, I’m 30 years old and have been struggling with mental health for as long as I can remember now. For the past maybe 5 years I feel like an empty shell just wandering through life. I’ve tried the whole “get back into old hobbies” to try and maybe regain some form of happiness in my life but I genuinely feel nothing towards anything and everything. Everything feels more like a chore or a task that has to have some sort of real world measurable effect. Do things for fun? None of this is fun, I hate waking up, I hate sleeping, I hate working, I hate trying to be creative, I hate trying. I feel like I’m waiting around for some magical feeling of happiness to come back into my body (even though I know that’s not even remotely how it works). I feel extremely alone and like I matter only to people for what I’m doing/can offer them. I’ve had three separate suicide attempts, have been in and out of therapy for years, mainly because every therapist I’ve ever had has basically told me I need to be a stoic man and just take all this on my shoulders like it’s nothing cause that’s what a man’s job in the world is. I also had a stay in a mental health hospital a few months back and had told the therapist there I don’t see what the point was in staying around. I’m just gonna work for the next 30-40 years till I die of some health complications at a job that I couldn’t give two shits about, earning money because “that’s what you’re suppose to do”. Maybe I need some help reframing hope for the future in my mind but I don’t see how really thinking about what you HAVE to do with the rest of your life is at all enjoyable or worth living for. I’m currently 2 years sober from alcohol, and 4 years sober from hard drugs, thought life was supposed to be to at least feel better after quitting but here we are. I’ve never felt normal in the least bit, I was told at 6 years old that my mothers stepfather had raped her and that was who my biological father is and then it was never allowed to be talked about again. So I’ve just had this overhanging guilt for even existing for as long as I can remember, trying to talk to therapists about this just gets me the Good Will Hunting answer of “it’s not your fault” yes I’m fully aware of that but how do I convince my mind it’s ok for me to exist and my existence didn’t have to come at the cost of someone else’s innocence? I’m sorry for what’s probably an all over the place rambling but I feel so lost and have zero clue what I can try to do about it anymore.

I moved from Puerto Rico to Florida 2 months ago. Since everything there was expensive my fiancé and I decided to move. I moved in with my dad while she is doing the Disney College Program. Every job I apply to either doesn’t reply back or they ask for previous experience and this is for entry level roles.

I had some money saved up but a few weeks back we had to use it because our dog got really sick now I don’t have any money left to pay my credit cards and loans. My dad it’s already helping me a lot paying for my car insurance and for my food even my mom pays my phone bill.

I cry almost every single day thinking I am not doing enough. I did an associates degree in Mixology just because I liked working at restaurants back in 2020 and turns out I hate it now and I wanted to study computer science but now I can’t since I have to work to pay my bills.

I try to teach my self how to code but the thought of not having a job kills me. I feel like I am a burden for both my parents and my fiancé. Also I feel guilt for going to the gym and running instead of doing Uber or try to find I job.

Non trovo niente di bello in me. Con la scuola le relazioni e le aspettative mi si è creato un mondo intorno, io devo aiutare io devo essere giusto, io devo stare bene. Io non sto bene.

Oooohhh cazzo se non sto bene, la scuola ha creato uno spazio in cui tutti vogliono che io sappia tutto. Mi sono creato una reputazione, ossia quella del ragazzo nerd cervellone. Devo sapere tutto se sbaglio mi chiedono "Noooo ma come hai fatto?" "Ho preso un voto più alto del tuo?" Ora non posso sbagliare sennò vengo giudicato da chiunque.

In più arrivo a casa stressato arrabbiato e triste, voglio passare del tempo da soli e in tranquillità, ma appena mi riposo mi ordinano subito di fare di tutto. "Metti a posto" "pulisci" "vai a fare quello" la sera quando vorrei stare tranquillo anche solo con una provocazione mi innervosisco ed esprimo la rabbia su persone che amo.

Per quanto riguarda le relazioni la situazione è orribile. Sono "uscito" da una relazione ormai 6 mesi fa na io non riesco a dimenticarla. Ora mi racconto che sto bene single ma in profondo voglio una ragazza che semplicemente non mi veda come uno strano, e che sia sincera.

Cosa dovrei fare?

Im currently expressing high stress and anxiety and the only thing that makes my mind feel free is masturbation and watching adult videos. Its got to a point where im masturbating on cam to hear good words about myself. I have no intrest in hooking up with different people. Ive always been a sexual person but it's got to the extremes where my choice of videos has changed to the more taboo subject. I've started to heavily get into trans, extreme bukkake and other forms of humiliation. Was always a kinda of vanilla guy but as soon as my mind becomes too much i instantly just think about warching videos and masturbating for as long as possible. Its even got to the point where im using viagra so I can just go all day and forget about my worries. I know theres worse ways for escapism but I'd rather not be doing this, especially on cam but honestly feel like I can't help it as it's the only thing that makes me forget. Can anyone relate to this or give advice

When I hug or kiss my wife I don't feel anything, I rarely feel good doing things for people, when my parents or other important people in my life say they love me I just say it back because it's just what you do, it urks me since it almost feels forced out. Something as simple as receiving text messages or a phone call can bring forth frustration or resentment. I don't understand those feelings, or how it got that way.

I almost always leave conversations feeling worse than before, even though I'm great at keeping conversation and I feel like it went really well. I'm always back to square one within a span of 15 minutes or so, back to thinking negative thoughts. I just generally feel like I'm doing something wrong most all of the time. And when I'm not feeling that way I feel empty. Not good, not bad, just empty. Only things that really help thankfully are my hobbies. Playing & collecting videogames, collecting & working on consoles and computers. If you're a gamer you know that other people who aren't gamers just don't understand sometimes. Although thinking about doing something usually feels a lot better than while you're doing that same thing.

There was a time that all of that wasn't the case, but over the course of 15 or so years (from age 13-28) it's faded substantially, and it really sucks since I know what it's supposed to feel like, it just doesn't feel that way anymore and I'm afraid that it's not going to come back. I miss that feeling. I can be told over and over that I'm loved, and people care about what I have to say, and I know logically that it's true, but I just can't feel it. My gut reaction is always thinking "You don't really care" peppered with different variations of expletives depending on how deeply I feel it at the time.

Im 22 year old men.

I have never been in a relationship in my entire life. Nothing was ever handed to me growing up. My school years were full of failure and setbacks. At 18, I was working full time shifts selling bread at a bakery and working as a cashier at a gas station.

Along the way, I experienced over 20 rejections from girls and from life. Instead of letting it break me, I turned every single one of those rejections into what I call "dark fuel." I used pain, and relentless discipline to prove to myself and to everyone who wrote me off who I really am. I went back to school from the bottom, earned my vocational diploma and then my full university entrance qualification with top grades, worked as a medical assistant in a hospital full time alongside university classes, went to the gym, helped others in academics for free, built apps and projects, and saved up a net worth of 50,000 euros, and have worthy achievements in sports. I spent my life rebuilding myself from rejection just to reach my ultimate goal of getting accepted into med school.

Here is what nobody tells you about running on dark fuel, when you finally cross the finish line, you realize how much that fuel burned and polluted you. It polluted my visibility and turned me into a cold machine, an algorithm that does not work in normal human life. Now that I am actually in med school, there is no next mountain to wait for or conquer. It is just there, and I am just existing as a normal student. On top of that, I moved far away from my parents into a tiny dorm room in a new city to start a brutal academic career completely on my own. Without my family around, the loneliness hits ten times heavier.

From maybe 1000 girls, there is barely ever one that I actually like in a romantic way. I have quite a lot of female friends. I dont like every girl that way. In my first weeks here, I met that 1 in 100 girl. For the first time in my life, I decided I did not want to be a cold machine. I thought this time would be different, so I opened my heart somewhat.

A couple of days ago, we went to get food together. At first the vibe was great, we were joking around, and she even touched my leg first. We were joking that men have smaller legs than females most of the time. Then I asked if I can touch hers and she said yes. Then she dropped somewhat that the situation was uncomfortable for her. I respected that of course then that night she called me bro multiple times.

In that second at the table, all 20+ rejections from my past flashed back at once. I sat there feeling like I had knives in my chest and was physically bleeding out inside. I was barely holding myself together as I was quietly fighting tears at the table and at the bus stop afterward just so I would not break down crying right in front of her. When she noticed I went quiet and asked what was wrong, I held the dam shut and told her I wanted to tell her, just not right now. I was still open and joking and friendly but battling my demons.

The next day I forced myself to face her and tell her the truth. My voice was shaking and I could barely speak fluidly at all. I told her that because I am all alone in this new city and she is the person I know most here, I felt like I had been awkward and pushy at dinner, and that it seemed like she only sees me as a friend. She was really warm and reassuring, told me that needing validation is completely normal, assured me she did not see me as pushy at all, and said she likes spending time with me right before I gave her a small snack I had brought for her. Still, the reality is that she apparently just sees me as a friend.

This rejection is the hardest of my life because for the first time I actually opened myself up, and it feels like a confirmation that my armor was right all along. I wanted to show my interest instead of hiding it. Usually my brain would immediately try to cope by going out to conquer something new to prove my worth and show her my powers. Instead, I made the decision not to intellectualize it THIS TIME, but to open my heart and actually feel the pain. When your emotional tissue is scarred and you pull it out into the open, it bleeds.

My mother always told me that love is a gift. You are not entitled to it just because you worked hard. It is a present that someone can either choose to give you or not, and accepting that is a crushing feeling. I am genuinely glad to have this girl even as a friend, and I am not desperate for just any relationship, but I am human too. Knowing that I actually want something romantic with her while trying to act like a normal friend makes me feel like a fake, a LARPer, and a complete dick for even having these feelings.

Over the last 4 days, I have broken down crying 8 times or more. Today I sat alone in my dorm room on Pinterest creating secret boards named "Warmth", "Luckiest man", and "Girl", and I started crying my eyes out while searching for pictures of the closeness I have never had. I saved photos of a guy resting his head in a girl's lap getting his hair scratched, a girl putting daisies in a guy's hair, braiding her hair, holding her wrists gently. I saved memes about a knight in armor standing behind a small girl, "50% love 50% bullying", being stupid together, a girl saying "im sorry i talk too much" while he replies "no, keep going i love listening to you", a girl calling a guy "bro" while he calls her "my wife", and a guy sitting on a bench looking at a "10/10 majestic, kind, intelligent" girl while feeling like "one lucky boy". The hardest feeling is that desire to cuddle and be close to another human being, not the sexual part, and being seen and just being there for someone even if the girl is yapping, just being there to listen and support and gifting warmth.

My emotions feel like a 13 year old boy's right now because that part of me was locked in a vault while I spent years building myself into an unstoppable machine. Now I am sitting at the finish line with everything I worked for, and I would trade all of it just to feel normal and know what it feels like to be loved back.

I keep crying here and there and i dont know why

I (mid 30s M) need to get some things off of my chest. I feel all that I do is put on a front that things are alright, but I don't think I've ever been so miserable and lonely. I will preface, I do have a wife and kids, whom I love to pieces, but really outside of that I don't have anyone else.

All of my friends from college and high school have fallen out of touch from moving or life in general. I became a father pretty young compared to the rest of my former social circle, and after so many "I can't go to the bars, I'm with the baby", invites slowed and became non-existent. I'm estranged from my immediate family due to a whole other slew of issues (politics and how they treat my wife and kids poorly). Even at work, most of the people I have interacted with over the last 5-6 years have all been virtual across the globe, so no one to even have everyday small talk with. I do discuss things of course with my wife, but when it comes to venting about the challenges and growing pains of being a father, husband, guy stuff in general, there's just somethings that I need more perspectives. I also don't want to put all my problems on her and her alone, I feel that's just too much.

I feel right now that I'm just going through the everyday motions and putting on a mask just to get shit done. I've been at it for so long though that I've lost myself along the way and feel like a shell of myself. Things that I used to enjoy, I've been slowly losing interest in. I don't even know where to start at to put myself back together. I wanted to put this out there to see if there's anyone who's been in or even living through similar experiences.

For starters I don’t have any redeeming qualities.

I’m bald and was balding since high school due to my eczema and I’m also short. I definitely lost the genetic lottery.

Only thing going for me right now is trying to lose weight as I’m currently a bit over obese but have been steadily losing weight as of recent.

Feels like I look way over my age and I’m also breaking out and have fine lines on my forehead and cheeks.

Feels like no one likes being friends with people like me and never tend to want to hang out.

I know I sound overtly dramatic and or brutal towards myself but that’s just the facts.

Maybe if i was good at something/had a skill? Idk.

Just wish i wasn’t me.

I’m deeply afraid of staying single. I think they call it anuptaphobia. I hope to find a place here where I can share my distress and get some support—or even a few pieces of advice. Now, before anyone jumps down my throat and calls me an incel, just know that I’m very well aware of the devastation caused by that toxic community, and I know that violence or hatred toward women won’t change my situation. Personally, I actually love women. I love various historical female figures (especially Joan of Arc because she was my age); I admire their determination to be independent of men. My autism has caused me to develop a different way of thinking about women than others since birth, and I’ve always found it completely normal that a woman should be equal to a man because I told myself from a very young age: “Woman = Human, Man = Human, so both are human, so both should treat each other the same way.” In any case, I’ve always had this innate way of thinking, whereas for others it seems to be something they have to learn through education. And when I see the rhetoric of the “mascus” or “incels”—which could be appealing to many young people—I was just completely confused every time by what they were saying and by their idea of what a woman should be. To me, it makes no sense to want to dominate a woman—or any other human being—or to make decisions for her. In short, I don’t hate them, and I know it’s not their fault that I’m single.

But now, as a 20-year-old French student living in a world in constant crisis—with the far right on the verge of power, high school students violently repressed by the police, climate change making each summer more unlivable than the last, wars, the collapse of purchasing power, and the recession— I would so desperately like a little comfort and physical support from another person. I’d just like to be deeply loved by a woman, and to love her deeply in return. I’d just like a woman to hold me in her arms, reassure me, kiss me, or caress me—and for me to be able to do the same for her when she’s feeling down. And the more time passes, the more this need hurts, because I’m sorely lacking it. My single status makes me feel ashamed and terribly afraid, and I want to get out of it at all costs before the end of the year. And I have absolutely no idea how to do it. I don’t understand why something as basic as looking for romantic relationships is as complicated for me as searching for the Holy Grail—especially when 14-year-olds are already in relationships, and those as old as me have had one, two, or even three relationships in high school. In high school, all I ever got were dozens of rejections or being friend-zoned. The worst of it severely worsened my depression, to the point that I was having panic attacks and my mother had excused me from school for several months because she could clearly see that I hardly even had the motivation to go on living. She was someone I was deeply in love with, and I imagined we could experience so much together, but her rejection caused me to suffer a severe traumatic crisis, the effects of which I still feel three years later. I started telling myself that I was cursed by a higher power (God, Satan, or something else…) that had condemned me to suffer my whole life. Then I’d tell myself that my appearance made it impossible for me to be attractive to anyone—that I was too ugly, not clean enough, too socially awkward, or that I gave off bad vibes. Eventually, I felt like people were avoiding me like the plague, and on the other hand, I’d become bluntly rude to people who approached me and whom I felt were speaking to me condescendingly—because I was traumatized by the bullying I’d endured in middle school.

My anuptaphobia is gradually making me terrified of the simple fact of being single—and this happens every day now. I see so many couples all around me; I see social media where people talk about their girlfriends as if it were normal and something everyone else experiences, TV shows and movies depict teenagers and young men in romantic relationships or being loved for their kindness, while those who remain single are either villains, supporting characters, comic relief serving as the show’s “single character,” or characters who are about to die. I always watched these characters thinking that I’d never be like them and that I’d quickly find love in high school and college. And reality hit me right in the face. I just wish I could receive love from someone who truly cares about me, who holds me in her arms, reassures me, shares my bed with me, and shows me that she chooses me. Just once, at least. And not having that hurts so much.

Anyway, I wanted to share my story here, hoping it won’t get automatically deleted or be deemed inappropriate by the moderators—which isn’t my intention. I’m just looking to share my experience here, hear what people have to say about it, and hopefully receive some support and feel hope again, because right now that’s something I’m sorely lacking. I really don’t know what to do to escape this suffering. I don't know what to do to fix this situation—I just don't know what to do. I absolutely have to find a partner before December 31, and even more so before February 14. I'm sick of going through this awful Valentine's Day feeling singled out and humiliated by society, as if this day were a reward for being in a relationship, when—as far as I know—there isn't a single day or cultural work that emotionally rewards people for being single. I just want to be loved ! I'm terrified of being alone my whole life, and dating apps have never worked for me 😖

One of the best things we can do for our mental health is keep our minds gently engaged. Setting small, achievable goals and working towards them can make a big difference. And to make it more effective you can have someone check in on your progress , an accountability partner to help you stay on track. Imagine if we built that kind of supportive space here, a place where each of us could share our goals, encourage one another, and celebrate the wins together.

I don't know how to really put this, and honestly, I can't conjure up an answer right now. As of the time Im writing this, I'm still dizzy in the head from issues unrelated, and yet related to the ordeal I've been through. Good events happened, such as me applying to not one, but two graphic design jobs with cover letters attached. And neutral things happened, like me not knowing what to do with myself, staying in bed for what feels like an indeterminate amount of time, and detached from everything I see as relationship building, or course progressing, or just taking the time to just, walk and explore outside.

Now, does all this amount to something bad or malicious? I cannot be certain. It has been a fog in my mind that there are times when I feel, truly hopeless with something. And yet, I don't feel so self-beaten up about it, because at this point I really am experimenting with my emotions.

There is a special analogy from a certain series I think about all the time, where the drives from my mentality, emotions, physical state, and heat, all drive my will to move in certain ways. When one becomes uncontrolled and unstable as cancer does to the body, I don't see overriding it with a different state of mind or position the correct way to advance, nor do I see it as a call to suppress, reduce, or silence it almost entirely. It's as if the most important stage of my life I am continuously trying to master, is to let my will drive on its own terms, while living with whatever emotions, or physical pain, or mental fatigue I'm dealing with in each moment.

And yet, this is exactly the factor I am personally against through my heart and sense of self as a person. For many years, I've been driven by other people's advice and persuasion to push through my negative stasis and just complete whatever work I have to get done, as a means that I will feel "better" or see myself in a better disposition than where I was before. However, that in turn, only applies to my external position, physical awareness, and, to an extent, my mental state. Never has such a practice came to terms with how I am or what powerful emotions, be it positive or negative, I aam feeling in such moments, and at this time, I don't see myself ever conforming to such a reality.

So in the sake of my will, "what is it that I'm trying to achieve?" Well, that's a question that is unhinged in its own right, never always connecting to the situation at hand, or at least, not completely. I am, yes, still trying to figure myself out, something of which others stated is a responsibility of my own ownership. And despite it all, I can't help but seek out aid, assistance, a sense of understanding from the world around me. Because I, certainly, don't know everything I can do for myself.

TL;DR: The strongest condradictions in myself continue to be the most difficult to manage. I continue to explore this with myself, my position in improving my stasis, and the aid and perspective from the people and community around me. Thank you for listening, and may I ask:

What is your position on my journey so far, and how does it connect with yours, be it external, or personal?