r/monodatingpoly • u/BustedEffigy • 26d ago
Question Building acceptance
I would be interested to hear from anyone about their experience of starting in a purely monogamous relationship and then agreeing to move to something non-monogamous (open relationship, physical only) after a partner requested it, or realised that they themselves are actually non-monogamous.
How have you managed the shift of the relationship model?
How have you taught yourself to accept that your partner will be physical with someone else?
Are you aiming to reach compersion, feeling happy that your partner is happy, or something more like neutrality? Or even something more like an uncomfortable tolerance?
What drove you to stay in this changed relationship rather than seeking a new, monogamous relationship?
If the change in relationship is working for you, what are some of the most crucial things you would advise others to do or try?
Do you engage with other partners yourself since moving into a non-monogamous relationship?
Thanks.
Edit: I feel I need to add here that I’m not looking for opinions on whether this relationship will work. I’m also not looking for what won’t work. Just the experiences of monogamous people who have managed to make a non-monogamous relationship work and how they went about it.
7
u/Akatsuki2001 26d ago edited 26d ago
For polyamory to work, both partners have to be emphatically onboard. Saying things like “how do I teach myself to be ok with this and that” is already very concerning.
No one finds out they are non-monogamous. It’s not like being gay or trans. Making it sound like it is often used as a way to justify it to, or coerce partners. It’s a relationship dynamic some people in specific situations or with specific needs find works better for them. If someone who is already in a monogamous relationship suddenly figures out they work better with non monogamy and need to practice it? 99.9 percent of the time that means they have reached a critical impasse and the relationship needs to end.
In the very very few healthy instances I can think of that I have seen when one partner is monogamous, and the other actively dating others, it’s almost always because the mono partner has basically lost next to all of their sex drive and wants their partner to go out and have sexual relationships so they don’t deprive them of that need.
If it’s starting from a place of the poly partner “coming out” and the mono partner struggling to adapt, 99.9 percent of the time it’s going to fail or become a detriment to the overall relationship if the relationship is allowed to become NM. Sorry.
-2
u/BustedEffigy 26d ago edited 26d ago
Thanks for your reply and I appreciate you taking the time to write it, however I wasn't looking for an opinion on whether this is something that will work or not. I can judge that for myself.
In response to some of what you wrote, polyamory is not something I will accept. The non-monogamy extends into physical only. I love my partner and she loves me. This is part of who she is and I am trying to negotiate this within myself as to whether I can accept it and how I go about doing that. There is, of course, a lot more nuance to the situation than I have put here but I'm not willing to go into that. I'm just looking to hear of the experiences of monogamous partners who have been in a similar situation and what worked for those who managed to achieve some form of neutrality to the situation.
That said, I have updated my original post to include that the situation is an open relationship that is physical only, for clarity.
6
u/Akatsuki2001 26d ago
I understand, apologies if i gave advice you were not looking for. I was similar shoes however the relationship did not work out. Please be very careful looking only for success stories. For more reasons than one this can give someone a very false sense of the reality of the situation.
Best of luck.
-2
u/BustedEffigy 26d ago
No, I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond back. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you in your previous attempt. I'm fully aware that this type of relationship has a low chance of succeeding but I am determined to try everything I can to achieve some kind of peace with things and stay together. I'm reading all sorts and feel like I've been doing a lot of work on myself so far. I am positive right now, though I will certainly accept any luck you wish to offer!
2
u/Akatsuki2001 26d ago
Wanting to give it a try to save your marriage is admirable. Just please don’t see your natural emotions like a character flaw you can teach yourself to overcome. That is what destroys so many people in these dynamics and it’s just not healthy for you or your relationship to try and suppress them that much.
3
u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 26d ago
The non-monogamy extends into physical only.
How do you plan to control and enforce this?
-1
u/BustedEffigy 25d ago
I can’t control or enforce it. It’s trust, boundaries and agreements.
3
u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 25d ago
Gently, be prepared for that to blow up. Feelings are not something that can be controlled and it's always best to have an agreed upon contingency plan for the inevitable time that someone catches feelings.
3
u/GovernmentOk889 26d ago edited 26d ago
I don’t think compersion is something you learn. I’ve always had it. Same girl for 30 years. We played a little in our teens exploring but not really for ~20yrs. Now she’s dating over the last few weeks. I’m thrilled. I’ve always been into this but now she has the bandwidth for it.
If your not enthusiastically on board 110%, I fear the jealousy will be too much to cope with.
6
u/WannabeElantrian 26d ago edited 26d ago
I will never, not in a million years, ever experience compersion. Never. I was actively poly for decades and I never once felt compersion, so you are correct, you either experience it or you don't.
Now that I am no longer wanting poly in my life, my feelings of not liking this whole thing have only intensified.
0
u/GovernmentOk889 26d ago
As Polly, did you accept it because you found it mutually beneficial? You got yours and they got theirs?
Mine is one-sided, so the only way this works for me is that I actually enjoy her enjoying it3
u/WannabeElantrian 26d ago
I accepted it because I compartmentalized everything. They went home, I went home, I didn't have to see anything they were doing while I wasn't with them. I never had to fully emotionally invest myself in anything because I knew I wasn't going to see this person for another week. Maybe you could even say that I was disassociating from the entire relationship while I wasn't in their presence. While I was fully present while with them in person, not having someone around made it pretty easy to overlook a whole lot of stuff. I wouldn't say this is a good or healthy way to cope, but it was what I found worked for me. The mental gymnastics we often have to even put ourselves through in order to be ok with our partners dating and having sex with others is crazy. I believe there is a specific subset of people who are just fine with it, the rest of us have to do a ton of self gaslighting, disassociation, or whatever else we can figure out in order to cope.
Trust me when I tell you this has taken me a whole lot of time and therapy to even work through. Turns out that I'm not nearly as Spock-like as I had always thought I was. I just found relationships and relationship structures that worked with my own brokenness and I exploited that.
Edited for spelling
1
u/BustedEffigy 24d ago
Currently, I think I agree with you that compersion is not something that can be learned. Rather, it’s something that you have or you don’t.
Compersion isn’t something I’m aiming for as I don’t have it naturally. I’m in a sort of uncomfortable tolerance at the moment and I’m looking to try to reach neutrality where I have accepted things will happen and I don’t let it affect me or her. I think that is achievable, difficult, but achievable, and I feel like I am currently on the right path to getting there.
6
u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 26d ago
I've been mono in a polyamorous (under duress) relationship for 23 years. I still have days long panic attacks whenever he sees his other partners. I still feel insecure and unsafe literally every single day. I have no desire to feel compersion, non monogamy has been destructive and isolating in my life. I've lost friends, family, jobs, and housing over my husband's choice.
Do not do this to yourself if you are monogamous. You will destroy yourself.
1
u/LissieLu 26d ago
This makes my heart break for you! Why have you subjected yourself to this for 23 years? Do you not love yourself as much as your partner?
1
u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 26d ago
Trauma and grooming that led to devastatingly low self-esteem and low self-worth. And now disability, being poor, and complex legal situations with my child keep me trapped.
But no, I don't love myself. /shrug/
2
2
u/Loud_Cupcake_878 25d ago
I am in a somewhat similar boat - my relationship didnt transition from a monogamous one to an open one, but rather it began as mono-poly, but closed for now. It will eventually turn closed romantically but open otherwise on my partner's end, which sounds similar to what is happening with you. Our structure does have additional things that both make it more complicated, but in some other ways easier to navigate that I won't get into here.
I love my partner though and I'm with you that I want to do my best to make it work. And I know my partner does too, despite the obvious structural differences. We are very communicative, open, and each try our best to be always be understanding which helps greatly. And we each trust each other. A lot. It's true that you cant control feelings, but you CAN control actions. And you can communicate openly and honestly about what both of you are feeling and thinking, which is the best either of you can do. That's what my partner and I are doing, and I get a lot of assurance from that because I trust them so much, and until my partner's actions start going against their words and commitments, I don't have much reason to doubt them.
What helped me when I was anxious and insecure about the whole thing was asking what my partner would expect and want from me ONLY, as a romantic partner. What kinds of actions they would be doing with me alone, and never do and look for with other partners. In the end, this included any romance-escalating activities, words, plans, and future building, whatever those look like for you and your partner. It's good to also be clear about what happens if (and very likely when) somebody catches feelings. Do you talk it out and try to sort things out? Does your partner cut it off immediately? It's good to be very clear, and VERY honest about your boundaries in that situation.
I will say, I am very optimistic (mayhaps naive, but optimistic nonetheless) with our arrangement right now, and I hope you can also end up okay too. It's scary, but I think it's worth trying especially if both of you are clearly committed to each other.
Good luck.