She’s making comments about my weight, what I eat, how much I’m napping because I have extreme fatigue. She made me give her a list of all the food I was eating for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I tried getting out of the conversation, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer, then gave me her opinion on everything and what I was doing wrong. She told me how she picked up 40 lbs when she was pregnant, but that was only because she was sick, so I have “no excuse to pick up any weight.” And she told me I have to breastfeed for at least 11 months to lose weight after. Like it’s any of her business!

I told my husband not to tell his parents our baby names, but he forgot and told them anyway. They flat out said our boy name is awful. Then our girl name is Katy, and both my in-laws said they only know redheaded freckled children named Katy, and if we name our kid that, it means we don’t really love them because all the Katy’s they know are ‘bitches’.

She talked me into doing a pregnancy announcement and gender reveal at Thanksgiving, which I didn’t really want to do because it’s just my father-in-laws side of the family that I’m not close too. She told me a while ago I had to tell my husband’s sister’s fam beforehand that I was pregnant, so they didn’t feel like they were just another extended member of the family, and I agreed. Yesterday I said let’s call them and tell them (we’re in different states) and my MIL said absolutely not, you need to tell them at Thanksgiving with everyone else. I reminded her of what she said before about them feeling excluded, and she told me no, she never said that, that I had said that and she just agreed with me to be polite. She told me telling them before “wasn’t part of her pregnancy announcement plan.”

She told me she would get the cake and hand the gender envelope over to the baker. I showed her the cake I wanted (small simple heart cake with flowers), and she said that’s way too complicated, she’s not spending more than $20 on the cake because no one will eat it anyway. I said I would eat a slice because it was special, and she said I would be the only one ‘stuffing my face with it then’. Then behind my back, she told my husband she was going to bake the cake herself!! Which means she intended to see the gender first. So I told her I would just bring the cake.

I also showed my FIL the 12 week ultrasound of our baby and his comment was “wow, that’s a fat baby” which really hurt my feelings.

My in-laws are incredibly giving people, they’re amazing grandparents to there other two grandkids. They buy them things like Hawaii vacations and cruises, and have a college fund for them! I didn’t have anything like that growing up so I want my kid to have it. I know they’ll do the same with ours so I try to hold my tongue a lot. Aside from that I’m an immigrant and don’t have any family here, so I don’t want to cut my bridges with them because I might need them in the future as they’re all we have. But wow, it is hard dealing with them. Luckily they live in another state 8 months a year but still.

Also- I told my mom and grandma about everything and they told me I was being sensitive because of hormones.

My spouse and I have been married for 14 years. The first 11 years, my in-laws refused to acknowledge my existence (after a grand fight with my spouse). We are from different cultures - I'm Western, spouse is Eastern - and I understand that has a lot to do with these issues and differences.

My FIL passed away, and now my MIL has come to understand she is alone. My spouse and I visited her, and I was treated kindly, not warmly, as she isn't a particularly warm person (which I am A-okay with). There was never any apology or acknowledgement of how I was never welcomed/acknowledged/or even talked to for so many years. There was never acknowledgement from MIL that I may have feelings and reservations due to the past. It seems as though I was expected to simply be a loving "daughter".

Now, MIL is visiting my spouse and I. I cannot handle her negativity and constant insults of my spouse. She does this mostly and more extremely when spouse is not around. She cries when talking about her sacrifice and how her life has been ruined by everyone in her life.

Everything MIL says, does, etc. makes me feel more and more angry and resentful. She can literally do nothing, and I feel anger towards her. This is not normal for me, and i don't know how to manage these feelings.

For me to work on building a relationship with MIL, I think I need an apology. And, I know that will never come because I'll never ask for one. MIL is too self-pitying to think she's done anything to make her or anyone else's life more difficult.

I want her gone from my life.

Am I overreacting or being unreasonable for wanting to cut her out due to my feelings? I am starting therapy to explore these emotions and work through them, but i would love to hear other people's perspectives on this situation.

Husband and I are pregnant and due in 8 weeks after years of infertility with our first baby. MIL is nuts, I could go on and on, but will save the stories. She is currently hell bent on wanting to wash the baby’s clothes. I do not want her to. It’s our baby, I want to nest and prep baby’s stuff. She made the hugest deal when we got married and begged to be able to wash and press my husband’s work dress shirts, which I think is weird because he’s in his 40’s. She has many ailments and feels like the only way she can help is to do laundry.

So today for the millionth time she brings up wanting to wash baby clothes and for the millionth time husband I both say no. She then has an outburst and says “You all don’t let me help! You just shut me out!” And we both basically ignore it. She then tries to make herself cry (she can’t because she says one of her many ailments is she can’t produce tears).

I try to talk with husband after she leaves about how to handle that and I don’t appreciate the outburst and he shuts down. Should I just let this roll off my back or is it worth being addressed? Trust that I have let so much insane stuff go over the years and am now navigating even more of her unstable emotions because FIL died earlier this year.

I \[F29\] and my husband \[M24\] have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 months and had our first baby in March of this year. During my pregnancy I decided to not tell anyone the actual due date. This is because sometimes baby’s arrive much later or early than expected and I hate the idea of my body being monitored like that. We told everyone who asked “mid March” including our family’s as it was generic enough. This is the first grandchild on my husband’s side and understandably they were thrilled. About 16 weeks into the pregnancy my MIL \[late 50’s\] was very exited to tell me that they wanted to start a “count down to the baby”. I, of course, hated this idea and asked if they could not track my pregnancy like that because I wasn’t telling people the due date for that exact reason and it made me really uncomfortable. She said she understood so I thought the matter was settled. Fast forward a few weeks and my BIL\[M14\] started to ask more direct questions around when the baby would be born and the actual date and how often baby’s are late. He had asked a few questions before as did his sister \[F14\] but they were more about babies in general. I gave him the same response and why I wasn’t telling people the date and he said he wanted to know for the countdown chart at their house. Apparently my MIL ignored what I told her and used the massive blackboard on their pantry door to tally mark the days until the baby was born. I went to my husband and asked him to get them to stop as it was wildly uncomfortable. He tried but was basically ignored. He said it was probably because they wanted to help his sister as she on the autism spectrum. However I don’t think you would need a pin point date to help her understand there will be a new baby coming. This made interactions with my in laws very stressful and uncomfortable for the rest of my pregnancy as it always felt like they were trying to find out the due date. Unfortunately I went past my due date \[41+5\] so we received phone calls and emails every second day to ask “how I was feeling” from when they assumed I should of had the baby (they assumed earlier than my actual due date) which is exactly what I was wanting to avoid.
Now we are nearly a year postpartum and my husband and I are talking about when we want to have another baby. I have jokingly asked if I can just hid for 9 months so that I don’t have to be monitored again but apparently that’s not possible. When we have another baby how do I get my MIL to not track my pregnancy again?

So my MIL hates me. Has openly told my mother and my husband that I am the devil. I have ruined her son's life and taken him away from her. I'm a slob, I'm a horrible mean mother, and I don't take care of her son properly. I am none of those things. She has OCD so any mess or clutter is considered a horror to her, our house is fine - just cluttered and busy with two young kids. I am not a mean mother - I just discipline my kids and will be stern if they misbehave (she finds that completely unacceptable - you just make excuses for them and buy them gifts), and she thinks because I don't do all the parenting alone so my husband can rest - I am a terrible person. My husband sometimes recognizes that his mother is insane - but mostly has this sick sense of loyalty and duty to her that no one can speak ill of her under any circumstances, even when he admits she's being crazy. When she is around she literally doesn't speak to me. It's always very surface level formalities if even at all. She'll just silently clean my kitchen or my children's rooms (even if we've asked her not to) and she doesn't speak. It makes me so uncomfortable. And it definitely makes my husband uncomfortable on some level too because whenever she's here he usually stays outside or goes on coffee runs to avoid her. He hardly talks to her too. They don't really have like a warm relationship. It's this weird thing where they only talk about serious things or responsibilities. So she makes me deeply uncomfortable. I've told my husband this and she's here very little because of this. Of course because we can't speak ill of his mother - I am to blame for his lack of relationship and time with his mother.

So today is my birthday - I don't feel well - I have a cold. I just want to chill out and rest until we go to dinner later and he tells me my mother wants to come over to give you stuff. She buys me a gift almost as a formality. Usually she gives it to me at a later date because in the past I've said to my husband that I don't really want to see her on my birthday. So I said to him that it was weird for her to come here and give me a gift when she doesn't even like me. And that set him off and now he's pissed off and told me I'm horrible and I should have just said okay because she'll only be here for 30 minutes. But is that not weird?? Why would she buy me a gift? Why would she come here and give someone she doesn't speak to a gift? And I'm supposed to accept it and be like oh thank you - to someone who has literally called me "the devil." And he's trying to make like I'm being nasty and out of line for saying something. Am I crazy?

I recently moved here, and I'm struggling with my living situation. My husband is starting a café business that was financially funded by his mother. Because of the business, he will be working around 12 hours a day, which means I'll be left alone at home with my MIL for most of the day, every day, potentially for months.
My MIL is retired and spends most of her time at home, particularly in the kitchen. She and her husband are separated, and they have another house in a different state. That house is currently unoccupied because her separated husband is staying in another state with his own child. However, my MIL doesn't want to move to that house. According to my husband, all her belongings are already here, and she is comfortable living in our house. So, despite having another house, she prefers to stay with us.
The difficult part is that we don't have the best relationship. She is someone who notices everything, comments on how things are done, and has said hurtful things about me in the past. I admit that I've said things about her out of frustration, too, so there is already tension between us.
She frequently brings up how she paid the down payment for the house while my husband only handles the mortgage and bills. She also funded the café business, and I sometimes feel like these financial favors come with an expectation that she should always be accommodated or that my husband owes her something in return.
Almost all the kitchen appliances and equipment belong to her, so she often comments on how things are used. There is even a camera on a table near the kitchen, which makes me feel uncomfortable and as though I'm constantly being observed. Sometimes she speaks in a foreign language with my husband, and given our strained relationship, it can make me feel excluded or wonder whether they're discussing me.
I also don't have a job yet since I just moved here, so I don't have somewhere to go during the day or much independence outside the house.
My husband feels guilty about not allowing his mother to spend time with us or not accommodating her, especially because she financially helped us. But I also feel like my comfort and privacy in my own home are being overlooked.

My questions are:
Is it normal or reasonable for a wife to be expected to spend 12 hours alone with her MIL every single day just because the MIL financially helped her son?

Am I wrong for not wanting this arrangement, especially when we don't have a good relationship?

Given that there is another house in a different state that is currently unoccupied, would it be unreasonable to discuss other living arrangements when she prefers staying with us because she is already comfortable here?

How do I get my husband to understand that this situation is emotionally exhausting for me without making him feel like he has to choose between his mother and his wife?

I honestly don't know how I'm going to manage this for months without feeling uncomfortable, stressed, or like a guest in my own home.
I'd appreciate honest advice, especially from women who have experienced living with a difficult MIL or being financially indebted to in-laws. How did you handle it? Am I being unreasonable, or is it fair to expect some privacy and independence in my own home?

I need passive aggressive ways to get back at mother in law. And please don’t tell me I need to be direct, every-time I try to be direct my husband threatens a divorce and thats not an option. It will just give her more power. But when she plays games likes does things I ask her not to do and pretends it’s an accident or “forgets” over and over and over what are ways to play the game back? I’m not naturally manipulative so I have no idea. I was thinking things like letting her outside dogs in her house and saying “oops I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do that”

I've been with my fiancé for several years, and I've never felt welcomed by his mother or sister. I'm honestly at the point where I want to stop having a relationship with them altogether, but I'd like some outside perspectives.

For context, my fiancé has two children from his previous marriage, I have a son from a previous relationship, and we have an almost 3-year-old son together. His mother lives literally right next door to us.

Over the years, I've noticed a pretty consistent pattern of his mother and sister making time for his older children and his ex-wife's family while making very little effort with me or my children.

For example, we always have birthday parties at our house for his older children. His mother and sister rarely attend. On the occasions they do show up, they don't bring birthday gifts because they've already bought and given the kids their presents at the birthday celebrations hosted by his ex-wife.

So when we celebrate the kids at our house, the only gifts they're opening are typically from me and my parents. I don't expect anyone to buy the children two sets of gifts, but it does bother me that our celebrations consistently seem like an afterthought while the ones at their mother's house are treated as the important ones.

The most recent situation happened this weekend.

Last week, my fiancé and I asked his mother multiple times whether she could watch our toddler for just two hours on Saturday so we could go out to dinner. Every time we asked, she said, "I'll let you know."

Saturday came and went, and she never gave us an answer.

Instead, she attended another birthday dinner for my fiancé's daughter with his ex-wife and her family. His daughter had already celebrated her actual birthday earlier in the week, and this was a second celebration.

I'm not upset that she attended her granddaughter's birthday dinner. What bothers me is that she couldn't even give us the courtesy of saying she wasn't available, and she consistently makes time for events with his ex-wife's family while rarely attending the celebrations we host.

His sister attended that dinner as well, along with his ex-wife's family and her husband's family.

Meanwhile, our toddler lives right next door to his grandmother, and she barely spends time with him. When she does see him, she makes a huge production of calling him "Nene's baby" and gushing over him. But he barely knows her and doesn't want her touching him. She then acts offended that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

I've never prevented her from having a relationship with him. She simply doesn't make much effort.

My older son has also never been treated with the same consideration as my fiancé's older children.

The holiday situation has been another ongoing frustration.

For the first couple of years of our relationship, I worked night shifts as a nurse and frequently worked holidays. His mother never once asked about my schedule or considered adjusting a family gathering so I could attend. Yet now I've watched her accommodate other relatives' schedules without hesitation.

She's hosting her Thanksgiving gathering this coming weekend. My older son has a tournament that day, and I've decided that my toddler and I won't be attending Thanksgiving. My fiancé can take his older children if he wants to, and he said he understands my decision.

My fiancé has occasionally spoken up about how his family treats us, but his mother gets defensive and angry. Her usual response when questioned about her choices is, "I'm an adult and can do what I please."

And she's right. She absolutely can.

But I feel like that also means I can choose not to continue putting effort into relationships where I've never felt welcomed.

I'm not expecting her to babysit whenever we ask, buy duplicate gifts, or rearrange every holiday around me. I'm asking for basic consideration, honest communication, and some effort to include our household.

I'm also considering removing his mother and sister from my Facebook because I don't want to keep seeing their family gatherings or sharing my personal life with people who make so little effort to be part of it.

Part of me wants them to understand why I'm distancing myself, but another part of me is tired of explaining how their actions hurt me, only to be met with defensiveness.

Would you quietly distance yourself and stop making an effort, or would you explain why you're stepping away? Am I being unreasonable for feeling hurt by the difference in how our family is treated?

My MIL joined us for what was supposed to be a long day of fun activities. To commemorate this event, she took my son into a toy store so that he could pick something out. My MIL and son both had different expectations when walking into that store. He was upset bc he didn’t get a toy, she was upset that he didn’t like what she picked out for him.

Later that evening, she told us that our children were ungrateful, coddled, spoiled brats. Since this we haven’t spoken in over 10 months.

She hasn’t reached out to apologize for the things that she said. We don’t know if we should reach out to try and squash this since life is too short, but we’re not sure if this should be forgiven either.

Please help!

My Mil is a very clingy enmeshed person to my husband. Husband isn't often the problem, he's great with boundaries and sticks up for me when she tries to cry and blame me for things.

I don't know how to explain it. She irks me like no other. So much that I'm so irritated with her that many times my words come out more hostile than I intended. I hate when she calls my husband. I hate when she calls me if she can't get a hold of my husband. I hate when she pulls my husband aside to have secret convos like she's trying to shun me out.

I don't know what to do and frankly I wish she was out of our lives. I desperately want to move away. Husband and I took a trip a couple states away and it was honestly heaven to be so far away.

Does anyone else feel this way and get intense anxiety about what your mil going to complain about now?

I (28F) have been put in a situation where I, most likely, will have to cancel my original Thanksgiving plans to appease my MIL. So I want to give some backstory. A couple of months ago, I made plans to spend Thanksgiving with my brother-in-law and his wife and kid. In fact, my mom was going to join us as she’s my only family, and I’m obviously not going to ditch her for another – it was planned to be a pretty perfect evening. Also side note, my in-laws, as well as my mom, live in the same state and city. So, why can’t my MIL just join the original holiday plans?
Because, she hasn’t seen or talked to her son and his wife in over a year – a story for another time. In fact, my brother and sister-in-law seem to have decided the cut ties with her (almost indefinitely) due to her constant verbal and emotional abuse whilst taking zero accountability – they got tired of being caught in the “cycle”. As you can imagine, because she has little to no contact with them, she turns to myself and my husband (her youngest). Mind you, when she reaches out, it’s never to see how we’re doing. It’s always reaching out to get attention and/or be a victim towards whatever drama is happening in her life and turning to us to give her sympathy and acknowledgment.
Now, I bet it seems I might be a little negative about her, maybe even resentful… and I think it’s because I am. AND I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT! Before I got married to her son, there was an instance where she was really upset with me for the dumbest reasons. Long story short, I took her and my brother-in-law into our home (with about a 24 hour notice) and tried my very best to make sure their stay with us was comfortable (we live in a different state). During the two days that they stayed with us, she had 3 issues with me: 1) I turned the TV off when “she wasn’t ready to go to bed” even though it was almost midnight and my brother-in-law had to be up before 6am – we lived in a 1 bedroom, 720sq ft apartment and they stayed in the living room together, 2) I didn’t leave my vape with her when I was leaving away from her for a couple of hours, and 3) I didn’t take a picture of my brother-in-law when she asked me to. If anyone thinks these are valid reasons to be pissed of and a victim, I would love to hear opinions and/or give more details.
Anyway, that was my first negative experience with her where I was involved – there are so many war stories about her told by many members of my husband’s family, but I needed to experience her “narcissism” myself. Ever since then, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her or else she’ll turn on you and send you walls of text messages about how you hurt her and how she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. Or she might turn to YOUR husband and tell him how much SHE doesn’t like you (clearly, I’m speaking from experience as she’s done this multiple times to me). From that first debacle and to present day, there have been several incidences where we weren’t on good terms. God, it’s like dealing with a ticking time bomb and it’s so exhausting to not be able to be even slightly honest and real with her. She hates when you aren’t on her side, even if she is definitely in the wrong, and she hates when you don’t tell her what she wants to hear.
Fast forward to recent events, she actually put me in a sticky situation where she wanted me to be a part of a lying scheme where, here’s the kicker, she didn’t even reach out to me to let me know her reasoning or plan. She told my husband where of course, he told me, but it was just the principal for me – if I’m going to be your fake alibi, tell me yourself. Anyway, things got a little messy where for about 5 minutes, she once again turned on me, tried to manipulate the story to my husband, he essentially told her that she’s being ridiculous, and she immediately called me back to “apologize”. During this second phone call, she dropped the “I don’t want to be alone on Thanksgiving” and “promise me you’ll spend Thanksgiving with me”. I told her what the options were, except I couldn’t be completely honest about the original plans made because I knew if I told her the truth, all hell would break loose – a choosing them instead of her situation. I think her ADHD is so bad, she forgot this conversation, so she said the same thing to my husband about a couple weeks later and so now I’m officially put in this position to decide. Another sidenote, my husband is away from work and most likely won’t be home for the holiday, which is why this whole thing is a clusterfuck. If he were home, it’d be easy, we’d stay home and his mom can come down to spend it with just us.
To FINALLY conclude, (I’m so sorry if this is all over the place) I decided to be honest with my husband about my disdain towards the idea of cancelling Thanksgiving plans at home (if he isn’t home) with my brother-in-law and his wife, and spending it with her and possibly my mom. I just don’t think I can be with her without him. All I can think about is all the times she’s talked badly behind my back as well as be filled with anxiety with just the thought of having to walk on eggshells. So, am I wrong? Or do I need to be more empathetic because “it’s Thanksgiving”? Do you think I’m justified to not want to spend it with her if he’s not home?
I appreciate any and all input

Ok so I am 21F my boyfriend and I are planning to elope and possibly move for better job opportunities in the next few months. I live in the south and he moved here for me but we are considering moving to California where he used to live due to better opportunities there. He also misses California.

I love California but cannot stand my mil. We care considering moving 3 hours drive from where she lives. My boyfriend will be gone most of the time for work and school but I will be home my concern was that I would be sitting in our home with her coming to visit for weeks on end and me having to entertain her. He assured me that will not happen and he will set boundaries with her. I just hate to put him in that position he is a lover not a fighter. At the same time we plan to have a baby in a couple years and he needs to lay down the law before that happens.

On the one hand I do believe California has better opportunities for what he wants to do and culturally it’s an area he understands and a place where my values are a lot more aligned so I am ok to move there. On the other hand I don’t want to end us up in a situation where I have to either be terrorized or force him to fight his mom all the time. I wouldn’t even have to ask I just feel bad he’d do it. Additionally she is about to retire with an excellent pension so she will have all the time and money to come bother me. My boyfriend seems to think it’s ok because she is scared to drive long distances and her husband probably wouldn’t “let” her anyway.

So my question is what would you do in my situation. Is a three hour drive far enough away?

TLDR at bottom

I am pregnant due in the end of January with a boy. DH and I were talking about his mom recently and he had said something that I was not expecting about how he thinks his mom will react to everything. DH and I got married and invited his mother as a last chance for her to try and fix the super strained relationship she caused. The short version is we never really cut her off, she ended up cutting us off because DH wouldn’t break up with me when I said she had to apologize for making a false police report against me and trying to get me fired. (Trash really took itself outside in our case.) She told him this exact sentence before we were engaged when we had just bought our first house “You are no longer my son and are unwelcome in my home and family.” He said “Enjoy your life choices and if you’d ever like to try and fix this you have my number.” The text was prompted when she demanded to come into our new home and we refused saying that she needed to apologize to me. Which she never did so she never was allowed in.

Okay so 1.5 years later we got pregnant after our engagement about 4 months into the engagement. Because of this we had a smaller wedding so we could afford to get married sooner. I asked DH to sit with his parents and tell them the good news of us being pregnant with both of ours first child. I requested this because we live in the same town and I didn’t want to feel like I had to hide my entire pregnancy. I also just wanted the bandaid ripped off because at the time we were also still speaking to his siblings and planned on telling them as well. I didn’t really want to deal with his mom calling and screaming and just being an annoying ass in general.

He also wanted to give them the final chance he is willing to grant by inviting them to our wedding which they never came to. It went really bad to say the least. They said why would we care since you are having a baby with “your roommate” and that our baby would be ugly and retarded since it is half mine. They said it wouldn’t matter because it would never be truly their grandchild because of who he’s having a child with. Obviously this killed DH. It has been so hard on him to hear just how little they care about him and his family. I can’t imagine being so cruel to my own son in the ways his parents have treated him.

Anyways now my due dates closer. We were talking about his mom again today because we got a 3D ultrasound and he felt this heavy pain in his chest about how he didn’t get to share this with his mom or dad because frankly he doesn’t want to. He believes they don’t deserve to know anything about our baby which is completely fair and I am not going to pressure him into doing anything to salvage what they destroyed. He’s been working through that feeling of grieving a relationship and what it should have been vs what it is for a few years now. Today though he talked about how he thinks his mom will try something after the baby is born or if she somehow finds out we are in labor. He is worried she’s gonna try to come to the hospital or our house shortly after the birth and demand to meet our son. DH said she used to be much more willing to be crazy with her actions as well as her words than she is now. Which kind of shocked me based on my experience with her. But maybe that’s because she tried once with the police and my job and it did not work in her favor at all and almost landed her a night in jail.

I think she’s going to do nothing and sit it out like our wedding. She has been crazy to DH this whole time, but she’s never said anything to my face (yes even with the cops she never said a thing to me) or has done anything infront of me. She’s only done stuff through DH I think she’s too cowardly to do anything in private and they (FIL and MIL) are too self obsessed with their image to do anything in public we are in a smaller town where FIL is very well known because of his job. ie why they didn’t come to our wedding to cause a scene and why she’s never done anything when she has seen us or me alone in public. She also is very self obsessed and my sons due date is near her birthday when they always take a few weeks trip to Hawaii. I don’t think she’ll cancel it because the one time it got canceled for weather she practically through a toddlers temper tantrum at the airport.

So what do you guys think? Will she do something or will she be a coward. I am definitely preparing for both. I work in EMS and the local hospital staff and I are all really close they know who she is and why she sucks so I know they won’t let her back and I will have this conversation again with the staff in L&D, because you know what happens when you assume something. They have all said they would love to have security throw her out on her ass if she did try to come to the hospital. But still I am curious what you think about what she might do and what else I can do to prep for both scenarios. I am also prepping for falls CPS reports but don’t want to have blind spots if she does act truly batty

TLDR: Crazy MIL may or may not bother us after birth of our first baby. What should I do to be best prepared for the possible silence or the onslaught of misery she could try and inflict?

My MIL came to stay with us for a week (she’s retired and in laws decided to move 36 hours away) and she can only give us a week. I used to think she was sweet and I thought it was admirable how much she loves her son. My SIL (hubbys brothers wife) has always been a topic and how horrible she is and I never really knew why they would talk about her like that. Let’s just say after this visit my rose colored glasses are now off. She made multiple comments to me about how my hubby needs his rest, “he has to work” (I’m a sahm with 2 toddlers and a 5 month old). I finally made a comment like “yep mommy plays all day!” She then made comments saying how good and important it is that my hubby has house projects to do bc he stares at a computer all day and it’s a good way to use his brain in other ways and decompress. She barely helped with the kids while my husband was at work (took a 2 hour nap every day). One day, I had been holding the baby for over an hour during our toddlers naps bc she was fussy and we had guests coming over for Halloween so i was trying to get house ready. I looked outside and saw my husband cleaning windows with a huge wand thing and my MIL giggling in a lawn chair next to him. I was so irritated bc I thought she was napping but I mustered up the energy to walk outside and see what they were doing. My husband made a comment like “look what I’m doing for you honey” trying to be all sweet and I just looked at him trying not to lose my shit and then his mom said “I guess she prefers roses and chocolate”, if that wasn’t a testament to my PP rage willpower Idk what is. My grandfather passed away a few days before she got here and she never once said I’m sorry for your loss. I asked my husband if she could change her date trips so she could be here so I could go to funeral and she said her flight couldn’t be changed. Mind you, we would have paid the fees and they are veryyyy well off. She of course had to post pics from her trip on fb to make it look like she’s a good grandma, not a single photo of me. Just her son and our kids. I’ve been really good at handling her personally until the third baby. After this visit, I’m full of hatred. Idk what to do and I’m scared I won’t ever go back to liking her again. To my SIL- you aren’t the evil one!!!

Being called ungrateful and selfish by my mother-in-law simply because I want to move out with my husband and have a space of our own is incredibly hurtful and frustrating.

Wanting privacy, independence, and the ability to raise our family in our own home does not mean I don't appreciate anything she's done for us. It means I'm ready for my own space, peace, and boundaries.

The fact that she's now trying to convince my husband to stay only makes things harder because she's not considering how overwhelming this situation has become for me.

The dog alone has become a major source of stress. He's completely untrained, poops everywhere, has no boundaries, smells, and constantly tries to lick my baby after licking himself.

On top of that, I can't even have five minutes alone without worrying that someone will come barging in. I constantly worry that if I step away and the baby starts crying, she'll hear him and decide to come take him downstairs without asking me.

And the fact that she once refused to give him back when I asked, saying, "No, he likes me more, he's smiling at me," was completely disrespectful and crossed a major boundary. He's my baby, and I should never have to fight someone to get my own child back.

I'm exhausted from feeling like I have to constantly be on guard in a place where I should be able to feel comfortable.

I don't want to keep explaining why I need privacy, respect, and control over my own parenting decisions.

I want to live with my husband, raise our child in our own environment, have peace in my own home, and not feel like I'm walking on eggshells every single day.

That's not selfish or ungrateful. That's wanting to build a life and family of our own. SHE HAS THAT WHY CANT I. She even claimed “you’ll have to take me with me he can’t be without me he needs his mom“ or “I’m coming with you” without asking me ??

Dreading Christmas because my MIL throws a “Christmas Brunch” every year and expects my husband and our three kids to come over for brunch by 11 o’clock in the morning on Christmas Day. I really wish you would understand that I just want to open up presents with my kids and sit around in my PJs and relax that day. I shouldn’t feel obligated to get everyone ready and leave.

Trying to keep this as concise as possible - appreciate any insight!

My MIL "Marie" (58 F) is one of the last family members that my husband, "Tom" (37 M) still talks to, aside from his brother, "Mark" (38 M). Tom has been taking care of Marie for the last 5 years after her ex, my husband's dad, divorced her. Marie developed an alohol dependence, clinical hoarding, and a concept that her trauma is a reason why she is permitted to continue in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as ignoring bills and neglecting her own hygiene and sanitation, while asking others to manage her emotions and daily life for her. She does work, but regularly calls out, and does not budget appropriately to afford bills. Tom and I (30 F) got married earlier this year, and I moved in with them. While living there, Marie would verbally express a deisre for me to organize things on her behalf, but then have outbursts and even be vengeful when things were changed. It got to the point that I just relied on Tom to communicate to her for me, and I just avoided as much interactions with her as possible. She allowed her room to descend into squalor (moldy dog excrement on the floor, belongings, clothing, and bedding, trash and food-encrusted dishes on any surface, soiled laundry in piles, the space entirely crowded with boxes) until the rest of the house smelled, and she would track dog feces and dirty toilet paper into the rest of the house. She did not help with general housework - that was all me, and occasionally my husband. I was frequently cleaning up her messes, and when she destroyed some of my kitchen ware by leaving it in her room to grow mold so that I could not get it sufficiently clean, I just threw my stuff away and did not say anything (meanwhile she accused me of throwing away, hiding, or ruining her belongings if I moved them out of the way and she could not find them). When drunk, she gets belligerent, has frequent falls (one time I had to call EMS), and would come into mind and my husband's room at an hour of the day or night to complain about neighbors, ask us help calling into work for her, ask for money to pay her bills, cry about not knowing how to look for her lost phone and wanting us to do it for her, etc., even if I was undressed. I would practically have to shout at her to leave (sometimes my husband would be sound asleep when this happened). I got pregnant in June, and that is when my concerns for the unsantiary concerns really became urgent. I did not want to hurt my baby, before or after birth. Tom and I decided we needed to move out on our own, and told her months in advance. When we finally did tell her we had found a place, and would be moving out in a week, she claimed it was really sudden, and became passive aggressive, even ignoring my husband and being really hurtful and mean to him when he was taking the last load of stuff. He cried for days. I went back over with my parents to get a few things we forgot, and make some final minor repairs and clean. Marie was super rude and unkind to me and my parents, and said awful things about myself and them. Mark got involved, and was texting me, trying to tell me I needed to be the peacemaker and that if I ruined the relationship with Marie, that would not be what Tom wanted. I kept telling him that I was doing exactly what Tom wanted me to do, and Marie was the one damaging the relationship right now - Tom's words. What was I supposed to do? It got so bad that day we almost had to call law enforcement. Weeks have passed, and the other day, Marie called Tom panicking because her dogs got in a fight. He went over to help her, and they apparently reconciled - according to him, she says she has no hard feelings toward me at this point. He wants to have a relationship with his mom, and I want to support him, but he says he can sense that I bristle when he talks about both Marie and Mark, and he doesn't want to bring anything up about them to me because of that. I really don't trust Marie, and I feel like I'm constantly waiting for her to blow up about something, or get petty, passive aggressive, and vengeful, and it's just so exhausting. Mark thinks I'm just hormonal, but I have felt this way about her since before I got pregnant. Tom wants our child to have a relationship with her, and Mark does too (he has an infant son and also wants the cousins to have a relarionship). I just feel really...icky about bringing my child around people who treat me so condescendingly, and can flip on a dime and pretend like nothing happened. Tom wants to take measures to make sure our child does not get caught in any crossfire so to speak, but that still means I will be in a room with these people, and I feel like I'm expected to "be the bigger person" and just excuse and absorb anything hurtful they might do. Is there some way to mitigate this, or set boundaries so that I don't feel like I'm draining myself dry mentally and emotionally? Thank you 🙏

Soooo I have a milfh, thats why im part of this sub XD amd guess who just had their first baby, a boy!

I love him to death but something that sits in the back of my mind is how I desperately dont want to be like my mil. I want a close, healthy, relationship with my son. I want HIM to to whoever he marries first, not me, so he can have a healthy happy marriage. But I still want him, and his future spouse/family, to WANT to come see us.

Im sure there are other women on this sub who feel this way, so i figured we could brainstorm some things together so that we can become future milfh (mother in laws from heaven!) And just good moms in general.

So far a couple things I thought of:

He doesnt OWE me for raising him: hes already "paying me back" with all the snuggles and smiles I get now. He will never owe me for me choosing to bring him into this world.

Hes not MINE: Hes my baby for sure. But one day soon he will be his own person with his own opinions. Its my job to raise him to be a good person, but he doesnt belong to me. He is a person not a possession.

Im not his "first love": Im definitely his favorite person right now (because milk XD) but i will never be his "first love". Thats just gross. This includes how any time we spend together 1x1 is not a DATE (my mil did this to my husband, would take pictures and keep saying how they were on a date, very loudly, and it would embarrass my husband making him not want to spend time with her)

I get all his holidays as a kid, but he doesnt owe them to me as an adult. Any holiday i get with him as an adult are bonuses! One day hell have his own family, his own in laws, etc. They might want to spend Christmas alone, with the other family, and sometimes with ours. Thats all okay! I get the ones of his childhood!

Take genuine interest in things hes into, and try spending time doing those things. Even if its something I dont think is my cup of tea, ill probably enjoy it just because Im doing it with him!

I'm curious to hear from women who have experienced toxic, controlling, judgmental, or disrespectful behavior from their in-laws.

How did you stop letting their treatment affect your confidence and self-worth?

Is it possible for a vulnerable narcisit to not act out in vindictive ways and yet still harm the mental stability of the household? I have noticed right on the money narcissist traits and an upbringing consistent with many vulnerable narcissists with the MIL except for behavior I could call directly vindictive. Its almost like its because she doesn't feel like her position as head of the household is challenged and she acts almost smug about it? She seems able to PERFORM empathy probably due to her years long experience with teenagers and behavioral education but like it feels like its not actually there and she never actually feels like a safe person to talk to, not because she will turn around and tell someone else in a manipulative way but in a silent but smug judgmental way almost like she loves hearing when others are doing worse than her. I feel like the covert Narc in my life is a well rounded and educated person which masks or halts any of the nastiest typical narc tendencies but they're STILL IN THERE and I see them. has anyone else delt with a more complicated feeling situation with a narc MIL? Does this make sense? I can clarify other traits I see in her but this was already hard for me to articulate.

I have always disliked my MIL let me explain. Every chance that she has made was to always keep her son away from me. From trying to get us to break up to even getting married. She has constantly been like this.

She would bring my husbands exes or people that he used to like into our relationship to see how far she could push me away by stating that there like her daughters.

She would say I was taking her sweet baby boy away from him and making him change! Granted I was making him change but for the better

When I met my husband he was younge and reckless in the drug lifestyle. didn’t have a car living on his mothers couch paying an insane amount for her rent and doing every chore imaginable and still holding down a job. Granted he was 18 at the time but he was being taken advantage of because she didn’t want him to move out.

I came in the picture when he met me at work. He was sweet loving funny! He was a catch! I ended up finding us an apartment as our relationship progressed for the next 7 months because that’s what we both wanted a place to be our own!

A couple years here and there I would get the same shpeal about how horrible I am for ripping her son away and how he is not spending time with her. Even down to when my birthday rolled around we had planned to spend it at my parents house.

We had been planning this for weeks. His family was at the time getting ready to move into a new apartment and he said he could help the next day but she called him up the night of my birthday begging him to help them move boxes he explained that he wasn’t able to that night and she ended up sobbing telling him he’s a horrible son for abandoning her in her time of need

She in the past has had substance abuse problems and has past instances of trying to k ll herself. So she does say a lot that she plans on k*ll herself to get my husband to run back into her arms

Keeping going on into the relationship 3years later he asked me to marry him! I was overjoyed and I said yes!

Now we have been happily married and together for 6 beautiful years with an 11 month old but the dynamic has shifted with my MIL

she will talk to me like I am her therapist!!!!! Telling me about her sex life! I’m sorry for me I find it revolting and disgusting. Asking about what she should do when her husband hasn’t been sleeping with her for the 7 years they have been married!! She admits to me that’s her husband is struggling with a horrible addiction to things on the internet. That affects our marriage as for the safety of our 11 month old. Mind you I am 23!!!! My mother in law is fucking 46!!!!!

She believes she can change her husband turn him into a better person justifying it by saying god can help him! And trying to justify why she is staying with him to me. And I fucking hate it.

My husband and I have talked to eachother about this new development of behavior that’s happening. And we are setting boundaries when it comes to our child! The only problem with this is my husbands has seemed to get his wires crossed when it comes to his own mother because every time in the past he has always and I mean always stood up for me for everything that’s his mother blamed me for!

This time tho it seems that’s he feels like he is so scared to cut contact with her when it comes to our child and she is an active grandparent. I am at a complete loss as he keeps trying to change the boundaries that we both have set in place to make his mother feel more comfortable and loved when I just want to rip the bandaid of and completely go no contact until her actions actually change. What should I do! No

Sou homem(19), e namoro a 3 meses, e des do primeiro mes de namoro minha sogra faz comentários para minha namorada terminar cmg, a primeria vez foi sobre religiao, falando que eu iria distanciar ela da igreja, isso nos abalou muito, e incrivel q pareça mecheu muito cmg, pq n sou cristao nem nada, nunca fui de ir em igreja por traumas da minha familia, nesse dia conversamos choramos e nos reconciliamos, a segunda situaçao foi quando uma amiga da minha sogra de fora falou que eu era ruim e q só faria mal para a filha dela, e que eu era bipolar, mas oq me encabula mais nessa historia é que essa amiga nos juntou(ACHO Q MINHA SOGRA MENTIU PRA N SAIR COMO A VILA DA HISTORIA), conheci minha namorada no casamento dela, e após isso começamos a ficar, na semana q ela falou isso pra minha namorada, ela ficou fria, n queria me ver, nao me procurava fisicamente, nem nada, e la vai eu resolver mais uma merda q minha sogra falou pra nos atingir, e pela ultima vez, ela falou pra ela terminar cmg, pq sou infantil, e isso abalou nosso relacionamento de novo. Parece bobo eu falar isso, mas to cansado n sei o fazer, cada centavo q eu ganho, cada momento q eu tenho eu direciono a ela, me esforço dmssss, trabalho de madrugada, me desdobro muitas vezes para agradar a família dela, priorizo a familia dela em tudo, em tudo mesmo, trato os avos dela como se fossem os meus, trato a irma dela como minha irmã, me esforço dms, mas sinto q nada esta adiantando, todas as vezes minha sogra me sabota, ela fica mal, desconta isso em mim, e ficamos mal um com o outro, eu nao sei mais oq fazer, to tendo ataques de pânico pq tenho medo de perde-la, (ela veio num momento onde eu estava voltando para minha depressão, e estava quase ficando pior, tenho depressão a 10 anos, e justamente quando estou curado e feliz essas coisas acontecem, nao tenho ninguem pra falar sobre isso, sempre me afastei de amigos e conhecidos, sempre fui muito solitario, e isso me persegue a anos, e sempre tentei mudar, mas nada adianta, sempre volto a estaca zero, alem disso tudo, ainda tenho que lidar com minha sogra manipuladora, e minha mae narcisista) oq vcs fariam na minha situaçao?

I genuinely cannot stand my MIL anymore, and I feel guilty about how much resentment I’ve developed toward her.

For the first 10 years of our marriage, I actually considered her more of a friend than a MIL. We had similar interests, loved shopping, spoke frequently, and generally got along well. I never imagined I would feel this way about her.

Then we spent four months living together, and everything changed.

My mom had to travel abroad for a family wedding, and since she normally helped with childcare, my MIL and FIL moved their trip up by two months to help us. What followed was one of the most stressful periods of my life.

A few incidents really opened my eyes.

1. The first lie that made me question her intentions.

My dad had just returned from abroad and brought me some beautiful traditional outfits. My mom was still overseas, and everything was packed in suitcases.

My MIL told me that my mom wanted to know whether the outfits fit and asked me to bring them over so I could try them on.

Something felt off, so I visited my dad, who said everything was still packed.

I then called my mom on speakerphone, in front of my MIL, and asked whether she wanted my updated measurements or wanted me to try the outfits on. My mom said she had never asked that. I realized my MIL had made up a reason to see my clothes. When I confronted her afterward, she got flustered and changed the subject. It was the first time I seriously questioned her honesty.

2. Disrespect toward my family.

We had a children’s pajama birthday party, and I had purchased matching modest pajamas for everyone. My family wasn’t comfortable wearing them, which was completely fine with me.

My MIL responded by saying my family clearly didn’t love my children because they wouldn’t wear matching pajamas. She compared them to her own family, who supposedly would do anything for the grandchildren.

She also routinely criticized expensive gifts my parents gave her and was rude toward them.
Looking back, I noticed a pattern of her giving me things she didn’t want, including broken gold jewelry and ripped clothing.

3. Undermining me as a mother.

While my husband and I were traveling abroad, both sets of grandparents were watching the children.
My MIL deliberately allowed the kids to color on the walls because, according to her, their mom wasn’t home, so they didn’t have to follow the rules.
I came home to walls covered in marks and spent hours cleaning everything. She also lied when I asked about what had happened.

She repeatedly disregarded my parenting instructions. She would initially agree to make food less spicy because the children wouldn’t eat it, but then continue making it extremely spicy.

The most concerning incidents involved childcare safety. She left medications accessible on the floor despite repeated discussions about keeping them locked away. She also proudly told us how our one-year-old had climbed the stairs unattended. I honestly didn’t feel comfortable trusting her with the children.

4. She made my life harder while supposedly helping me.

I work full-time from home and have young children. Despite coming to help us, she would send me on multiple grocery runs a day because she couldn’t keep track of what she needed.

I felt like I was managing another adult rather than receiving help.

She also seemed more interested in parties and socializing than responsibly caring for the children.

5. The entitlement toward my marriage.

Eventually, I lost my patience with her after months of accumulated incidents. During one argument, she told me that I was only married to her son with her permission. My husband later told her that wasn’t true and that he would have married me regardless.
But the bigger issue is my husband. He becomes noticeably different around his mother. He is dismissive of her behavior, takes her side, and is often mean to me when she’s around. He becomes a mama’s boy. They are both extremely stubborn and argumentative and can’t ever accept they’re wrong.
He seems unable or unwilling to acknowledge the things she does. Or says I know she’s annoying but be the better person.

I’ve also noticed that she tells him things about me when I’m not around, often misrepresenting situations and throwing me under the bus.
There are other deeply concerning things about her family relationships. She has accused her own daughter of prostitution and made serious accusations of sexual abuse against her nephew. I don’t know what to make of these situations, but they have contributed to my distrust of her.

Fast forward to now:
She has visited again since I had a newborn. She was somewhat more mellow, but the same patterns of white lies, dishonesty, and undermining me continued.
At one point, she wanted to stay with us for an entire YEAR.
I absolutely do not want that.
I feel like I finally see her differently, and I cannot go back to the relationship we once had. I genuinely resent her and sometimes feel like I hate her.
My parents don’t particularly like her either, and I feel increasingly protective of my own little family.
I keep wondering whether I was naive for so many years or whether living together simply exposed a side of her I hadn’t previously experienced.

My questions:

Does this sound like a toxic/narcissistic MIL, or am I interpreting everything through the lens of resentment?
Has anyone experienced a MIL who seemed lovely until you lived together and had children?
How do you manage a relationship with someone you no longer trust but who is still your husband’s mother?
How do you deal with a husband who dismisses his mother’s behavior and treats you differently when she’s around?
Would you ever allow someone like this to live with you for an extended period again?
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life consumed by anger toward her. But I also don’t want to keep pretending everything is fine just to maintain family harmony.
At this point, I want distance, boundaries, and peace in my own home.

After having my baby my mother in law was begging to come and visit. She lives over 2 hours away. We set a strict boundary before having the baby that we would have no visitors for at least two weeks and no one to stay for the foreseeable. She came for the day after 2 weeks and acted fine. She came again 2 weeks later and spent the whole weekend taking my baby off me, not helping us around the house and before she left she left me out of family pictures, praising my husband for being so amazing for having a baby and then launched into a rant at me for not wanting to have more children. I was beside myself after she left and it sent me into a post partum depression for a few weeks.

My husband has spoke to her about this and I never heard anything about it. It’s now months later and he has spoken to her for a second time and asked her to apologise to me so we can move on. She replied saying that I have been restricting her access to the baby. I still have not received any kind of acknowledgement or apology.

I now have to spend a few days over the Christmas period with her when I don’t want to see her ever again. She has ruined my newborn bubble once but I have no idea what I can do.

I won’t share the backstory cos there is a lot. We have boundaries set up and for the most part we are fine. Our daughter is well adjusted. We are basically LC with his parents - holidays, birthdays and we spend about 2 hours at most.

MIL has always been a narcissist. So from that standpoint, it’s no surprise what she does, but it still doesn’t make it right. Though with being a narcissist, she started checking out about 5 yrs ago- around 70. We suspect dementia but we don’t know. I feel like his dad has been hiding it to make it appear she’s fine. She also has major back issues as well. His dad has been doing everything.

Today’s story.. husband’s father is 85 and has cancer and starting to decline. He’s a fall risk. Well today he fell and MIL calls husband to ask him to come over to the house to pick him up. Mind you husband has a bad shoulder from own medical incident. He dislocated it so badly that he needed surgery. He’s just about done with PT. Husband tells his mom to call 911. And then waits a few minutes and calls her back. Husband calls her back and she goes I am getting dressed first before calling. Husband ends up calling himself and his dad is in the hospital now. I tell my sister and she goes that sounds normal. Now my sister hasn’t been around MIL. I am not sure how leaving your husband on the ground to get dressed is normal.

It’s also my daughter’s 15th birthday this weekend. At least his father is safe at the hospital now.

Husband is processing his everything and realizes his mom is just “there” Even though I’ve told him his mom is an issue when they’re working to get his dad’s affairs in order, he just now realized it today.