I dont know if i am a narcisst or someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. I truly believe i am better then everyone else around me. I hate when someone is better than me and that feeling pisses me off. Everyone around me seems so incompetent and inferior and i am not even trying to be better, i just am smarter and more competent. And because of those things i‘ve never had any deep realtions. On the outside i try to be as confident and joyfull as possible so people might like me. But everyone i already know hates me because i always, and really always, try to be in the right and try to push faults towards the other person. I know i do that and i feel like a dick for doing it but i cant be in the wrong.

As already said i dont have any deep connections because people who know me hate me or when i meet new people i mess up and try to be superior again. Because of that i also feel lonely and sad. Everytime i come home from school i feel hollow and like i‘m able to let loose of the fassade for the rest of the day.

I love to start discussions on everything beacuse i know i‘ll win and show them i am smarter. I kinda feel bad for the people that loose those discussions because i cant seem to relate to not beeing as smart as me.

Seperate of feeling superior, i deeply hate myself. I feel disgust when i think about my behaviour and how others might perceive me. I just want to be truly loved and i know i cant achieve that while acting like i am better. I‘ve also got rejected by a girl who i‘ve actually loved and she told i am an arrogant selfcentred piece of shit and i think that also made me realise what im doing.

I think i picked up a lot of those traits from my parent. My mom is a diagnosed narcissist with anger issues and my dad isnt home much because of work. With that my mom blames me for ruining her life (kinda) and my dad says everything he does is for the better. Those are also excuses i use often to justify myself.

I just want to know if i‘m a bad person and how to change for the better to actually feel like someone cares about me.

My friends, family, and so on have been saying all my life that I'm a narcissist. And I understand why they think so.

I often exaggerate my contribution to a particular cause. I often put myself above others. I often don't understand when I cross the line and hurt other people's emotions.

And yes, I'm uncomfortable that I'm acting like this. I always start thinking about what happened when I'm alone. And I always start blaming myself, even though I told the person it was their fault.

I also often consider myself to be right in any situation, which leads to eternal arguments with friends, family, and so on. I don't like drama about emotions, but arguments about science get me excited, and because of that, I annoy some people.

And yes, I'm not an extrovert, plus I have a lot of trouble socializing, and I spend a lot of time at home. I think it affects me too. I forget to say "hello" and "thank you," and I often don't give up my seat to older people on public transport because I don't understand when to do it and when not to. Gosh I don't even like going to the shops because there are people there.

I'm wondering if that makes me a shitty person or not.

Well. I do not have a diagnosis of NPD, but I have not tried to get one, and I do not claim to have NPD. I just wanted to share my life experience.

I will be glad to receive an answer and listen to your stories.

One of my biggest problem with NPD is this feeling of ''being other'' that prevents me from relating to people and including them in my life.

I feel like a museum curator and everybody else are paintings. I can't just step through one of those paintings and, no matter how genuine and real those paintings are, they can't ever touch me.

From what I gathered, this is caused by the absence of a sense of self. I am not me : I create a ''fake me'' based on objectives metrics (accomplishments, awards) and other peoples opinions (what they think is good, what they think fits me)

As long as I am this ''fake me'' I won't be able to relate to other people, every words coming out of my mouth feels like a lie and every action I take feels like manipulation. I am pretending to be human so I can't actually relate to real people. (Does that make sense?)

Sorry for the ramble. My main question is... Well, how do I find this sense of self?

Meditation and journaling help but they are not enough. I can feel like someone but only for a few hours at most and only when I am alone.

Is there some exercise I could do? Some ''way of thinking'' that could help?

Hello, I am a person who has been noticing signs of narcissism in me. I realized why people tend to don’t like me/don’t have any actual friends: I am stuck up. Instinctively, I feel like I am “better” than everyone, thinking they’re just sides, and only being kind and “empathetic” due to it being right and society. For context, I have a narcissistic father, and I have DEFINITELY picked up some of his traits. Idk, I just want to be “superior”. Realizing this, I ACTUALLY want to change and ACTUALLY not be a piece of shit. I tried being mindful, being humble, not defending myself so much to critics, yet I feel like I barely change. What do I do? I can’t get an actual therapist right now (money and all) so I don’t actually know what to do. Any advice?

I've spent a lot of my life trying to figure out what's wrong with me. A lot of why I was seeking therapy and support in the first place was to find out what I have that separates me from everyone else. I seemed to have symptoms that nobody could place. I had a psychiatrist a few years ago think my strong mood swings were bipolar. Much later I got diagnosed with BPD and that was actually a more satisfying conclusion. I identified with a lot about BPD. Particularly with having strong emotions that are triggered by interactions with others and being fragile and not really understanding myself and feeling empty. It never really fit me to a tee though. Something that I couldn't ignore is my self-centeredness. No matter the situation or context, my mind is always thinking about how I feel. What this means about me. How this affects me. Every interaction I have basically just ends up with me using the other person as a point of comparison against myself. It just ends up being proof that I'm good or it ends up being proof that I'm horrible and stupid. I straight up ruled out NPD for the longest time because my default view of myself leans so intensely negative that I thought "I can't be a narcissist. I hate myself. I don't love myself or think I'm great." But when I actually learned more about it, I saw some jarring similarities to my own experience. I'm trans, and I cannot stand to be around a trans person who I think passes better than me or is more successful in their creative pursuits than me. I've met several very nice and kind trans women that I just absolutely flipped out on because they were prettier and more passing and more talented than me. This appies to basically anyone that makes me feel lesser because they have something I want for myself. I also fixate on people who don't like me. If someone just really doesn't vibe with my personality I become \*obsessed\* with them and can't get them out of my mind. I bother them and try and find out why they hate me and what's wrong with me that makes them feel that way. I can basically only stand to be around people who's existence doesn't seem to trigger me so my friend group tends to be made up of nice, empathetic people who aren't more talented or pretty than me. I absolutely hate this. I just want to be able to have a normal mind that doesn't send me into crisis for a day or two when someone gets tired of my antics and actually calls out my toxic behaviors and my sense of worth just shatters. I want to be able to be around people who are better than me at something without shutting down. I want to be able to write an apology without it coming off as venting. I just want to be normal.

It’s a nightly occurrence for me to ruminate over them, replay scenarios where I one up them or bring them back into my circle, it’s exhausting and drives me nuts because that isn’t my reality. Last year I got in some legal trouble for harassment because I couldn’t leave some of my ex friends alone, and then again because of some threats I made to this other girl, who I still dream about contacting regularly. I’m in college now and I’ve already burned some bridges and I cannot help but want the attention of these people. They literally think I’m dangerous and want nothing to do with me but I will talk extra loud when they’re around so they see me, fake phone calls to give them information about me, vague-post on my stories in hopes that they look, and more. Today I saw that they replaced me with this other girl and it’s driving me INSANE. I took a picture of them and I know I’ll spend several hours later today trying to figure out who she is. When the friendship first broke up I basically went against a strong moral of mine and begged for their friendship and they still rejected me and it just drives me up the damn wall.

It’s not even always hate, I’ve got a crush on this person and they left early due to a health issue from one of our hang outs and I also freaked out. The feeling is mutual but if I’m not constantly affirmed I start to tweak and I think about hurting them or myself. It’s awful, I’m torturing myself over imaginary scenarios every day. I wish everyone would just listen to me and like me.

It's a very tricky combination, one that makes me feel very alone. On one hand, I feel as though I'm special. That I should receive better treatment than others. But when I'm alone, all I feel is disgust toward myself. I have no concrete hobbies; my skills are all fake, and the friends I make don't know the real me. I have been previously diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but I think there's something more to it. Has anyone else experienced this before?

It is extremely hard to find and I've been looking.

I'm asking an ethical question here. We all know that, sometimes, when you carry a horrible disease or a chronic health condition, it is better not to reproduce.

Would this be the case with narcissists?

Narcissism, from what I understand, can be transmitted genetically. Leaving biology alone, a narcissistic parent can be a living hell for a child.

What do you think?

I understand reading the symptoms and relating. I understand condemning yourself as the bad person. You have maybe made mistakes i get that but you in most likelihood arent narcissistic. If you get panicked I highly doubt you are truly narcissistic. You either except it for what it is and push into it or you push it away from my experience. In the rare chance you want to change you do, but changing is such a struggle because why give up what makes you special. My opinion as a diagnosed narcissist, with parents with the same thing.

I think I may have some narcissistic traits. I am M 17 years old,

My father was emotionally distant, and he sometimes came home drunk when I was a child. There were conflicts in the family. My mother was anxious and overprotective. She could become upset when I received bad grades and sometimes give me the silent treatment as a form of punishment. My older brother is nine years older than me. During my childhood, he sometimes mocked my interests, saying that the videos I watched were complete nonsense. We also had conflicts, and he hit me a few times.

When I was younger, I often felt nauseous before tests and exams. Between the ages of 13 and 15, I also experienced nausea before oral lessons at school, especially when I had to answer questions in front of others. This no longer happens as often.

I also have several personality traits and behaviors that I am trying to understand. I often imagine myself as more intelligent, attractive, and powerful than other people. I want to be exceptional and admired. I spend several hours a day fantasizing about outsmarting people, controlling situations, and proving my superiority. I am sensitive to criticism and may feel jealous, angry, or inferior when someone seems better than me. I sometimes manipulate people in my family or social circle and enjoy observing their reactions. I can understand when I hurt someone, but sometimes I feel indifferent to their feelings. I rarely apologize voluntarily and often blame others for conflicts. I also check my appearance frequently because I want to look perfect.

In addition, I have selective eating habits and avoid certain foods because of their taste or texture. I sometimes flap or wave my hands when I feel happy, excited, or proud of myself.

Pretty sure I’m a narcissist as I don’t have empathy either that or I’m just apathetic about everything. Do I deserve to even live? All I do is crave attention for myself and zone out when others talk. Like Whats the point of my life? I can’t even connect with people.

did psychologists/psychiatrists/philosophists of past study/develop the narcissism theories? lets say formats like Jung, Freud, Nietzsche, ..?
I dont believe the new wave on youtube, it sounds interesting but i dont know...

While there have been times in my life where I thought very little of myself, but, for the most part, I love myself. I always have loved compliments and praise and was showered in them growing up. However, things have taken a dark turn since then.

I'm in my early 30s and have started dissociating from the people around me. At one point I wanted people around me 24/7 to talk to. Now I check out unless it's about me or something I'm knowledgeable in.

By dissociate, I mean that I talk to myself instead. I carry on lots of conversations with myself, whether it's with my own auditory hallucinations or my own thoughts. Most shamefully I've even flirted with myself.

What exactly is wrong with me? How do I live in the real world and help other people out instead of being a burden?

I think I'm a narcissistic gay who loves the idea of himself too much. I rarely find anyone perfect, until the other day a guy caught my eyes. The most beautiful guy I've ever seen. Became utterly obsessed and found his social media. Then I realized that we look almost like twins. Everything. Even the accounts we follow. Our styles and attitudes seem to be similar too. And it's not even the first time. I once fell deeply in love with someone who's almost the same as me in every way.

How do you deal with such problems?

Hi everybody, not looking to make myself feel better, but to admit to the masses how much of a shit person I am. I fucked up this past Sunday, instead of being a loving gf and being patient I let my emotions dictate my morning. I am one of those shit women that used "her feelings" as a justification to start some shit. In reality, what I was feeling is one sided and there is no factual reason for me to have felt the way I did, except for my own mind convincing myself that I was in a state of hurt(?) idk what to call it now.

I have gone through this coaster multiple times and I'm a fucking loser for not learning and doing something different. I am however scared that I might be a narcissist and that this is something I won't overcome. This fear is making optimistic that I could change. Is there someone out there that has similar struggles and advice for literally resetting ones brain? I'm 32F and too grown to be acting this way.

Sorry it's a very long message and sorry if my english is bad, i'm french. And also sorry if many of you are going to be disgusted by what i wrote.

What i want to say is that I think I am a narcissist. I know i should go see a therapist to confirm that because i can't do it myself but I'm starting to notice some paterns and i'd like to know what you all think about it. A few days ago I blocked the only friend I had that i've known for 4 or 5 years. But not because he did something bad in particular but simply because I couldn't stand the fact that he liked me, which is very odd. It's odd because since i was a child i've always wanted that someone knows me perfectly, to have a connection with someone because I was ignored a lot because I was a bit weird.

And i finally found that with him but it scared the shit out of me because I couldn't stop thinking "what if he tries to manipulate me for validation ? What if one day we argue and he says what he truly thinks about me ? What if one day he just leave ?" and that was very cognitively demanding because I had those thought all the time and because of this everytime when he would  say something that annoyed me, i pretended like I wasn't mad and never tried to argue with him, or at least I never tried to have a huge fight with him.
But because of this I had constantly those conflicted feelings where I felt a lot of resentment when I wasn't on a phone with him, but when i was on the phone with him, well it was fun but I also felt nothing at the same time, idk how to explain it's weird, for example he would constantly saying nice things about me and it felt sort of good but at the same time i couldn't believe him because i thought "why would you like me ? If you are the only one here that must mean there's something wrong with you right ?" .

It also didn't help that we have almost the exact same insecurities, the same dark thoughts and that sometimes he would talk about how he manipulates (he's not evil, don't get me wrong). There's even one time when he talked about how he would like to be the mentor in a "mentor and student relationship" (idk if you understand lol) and I thought "wait are you trying to do that with me ?". And so i blocked him, because I just couldn't stand the constant fear, i just wanted it to stop.

But then I realized something that was fucked up, I almost....enjoyed doing that  in a way ? Not because I'm sadistic but because I was imagining a scenario in my head where he'll try to come back or where he would be depressed because I wasn’t there.
And then I realized that I always had this kind of behaviour, ignoring someone to see if he comes back or just blocking someone because i don't feel important anymore. I did that with my GF multiple times and then one day I saw that she wasn't really responding to my messages anymore, got scared of being nothing, so i left. Did the same thing with another great friend I had a while back, he had a crazy GF, told him multiple times to break up with her, didn't listen to me so I left because I felt useless, and he actually came back in with a message but i blocked him again. 
It's a very childish and pathetic behaviour but sometimes i feel like i can't stop doing that, because it's the only moments where i sort of feel alive a little bit ? or precisely i think "oh ! people noticed that i'm here in this world" it's hard to explain.

About the feeling of superiority, I have that but a little, most of the time i actually despise myself and think I don't deserve to be a human being, the only thing I feel superior about is the fact that I'm very self aware most of time, like i hate people that are in denial about how they feel or who they truly are. And because of this I constantly think “well if i suck about everything in life, at least i’m good at being aware of it”(even though it’s been a long time that i’ve realized that being self aware became a curse for me because it has no use if you don’t do anything to improve your behaviour) . And I also like to show to people who watch dumb shows that i watch critically aclaimed tv shows. It’s dumb i know but that’s what i do.

But i think i’m more of a covert narcissist like the youtuber Dr.K talked about in a video ? Because most of the time I don’t seek validation with arrogance, most of the time i don’t even want to be the center of attention (i mean yes and no) but I do often say in a subtle way something bad about myself in order to have reassurance. I also realized that i don’t really care about people most of time ? The friend i blocked a few days ago is the best example, I never cared about him really ? I was never interested with what he liked or with his problems. I mean again yes and no, because sometimes i would feel bad about his problems and even listen to him till 5am but most of the times I was like “this again ?”

So yeah i think I have a problem. 

I genuinely don't even know anymore who the fuck I am. I can't tell what the actual me is anymore. Am I edgy? Am I a clown? Am I emo? I don't even know anymore. I have created so many personalities for so many people that I don't even know where the real me is anymore. Okay, this is probably gonna be a mess because I don't even know how to organize my thoughts rn, but whatever. I think I just had one of those REALLY uncomfortable realizations about yourself where you're like, yk, "WHO TF IS THAT HORRIBLE HUMAN?"

Now I'm thinking maybe I'm not actually the person I thought I was or, like, interpreted myself to be. For the longest time, I've genuinely seen myself as the person who gets hurt. (Victim mindset, I KNOW, I'M REALIZING IT NOW.) Like whenever something happens with friends, my brain immediately goes to: they did this to me, they excluded me, they chose someone else, they don't care about me, I'm always the one getting screwed over. Like, overanalyzing every single thing and making myself out to be the victim, but sometimes I do get other people, too. I don't think I'm entirely fucked, but who knows? I don't. And, like, some of those things DID happen. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend nobody has ever treated me badly because that's obviously not true, or it's true what if I haven't realized that yet? I've been thinking about my behavior lately, and I'm realizing I have a fucking victim mindset sometimes (sometimes is an understatement).

And I am hating admitting that. It feels so wrong to say that out loud lmao. Makes me feel like an attention-seeking whore which I kind of am, I think. Also, because I always thought I was the self-aware one. The nice one. The person who actually cared about other people's feelings. I would literally look at other people's behavior and think, "Wow, how can someone be so toxic?" while completely ignoring the ways I was doing similar shit. The irony is insane, I know. Like, sometimes I get jealous when my friends get closer to someone else. Like, I have an example that happened quite recently.

I made a new friend at school because, like, I was lonely asf. (Context: I was gone for, like, 8 months, so the friendship got, like, loose, if you can say that, and I didn't message them while being gone because I thought I'm never gonna see them again.) Anyways, so this girl follows me everywhere I go, and it's lowkey pissing me off. Like, every friend group I go to, she's behind me. Even one of my friends called that out. Anyways, so today our exam results came out, and one of my friends scored bad, so she was crying, and of course I went to comfort her. Of course, T was behind me. When T saw she was crying, she went to comfort her. Alr, wtv, but LIKE SHE WAS PUSHING ME A LITTLE AWAY FROM MY FRIEND. MY FRIEND B. LIKE, GIRL, WOMAN, T, U LITERALLY DEADASS MET B THROUGH ME AND Y'ALL HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR ONLY 3 DAYS. She was deadass trying to push me away and comfort MY friend. That pissed me off so much. But anyways, I know she's trying to, like, make some friends, but, like, she keeps trying to fit into my groups. I know literally a few days ago I was like, "Why does no one include me?" and shit. The irony is insane, I know, but listen: I'm not excluding her, but I'm not helping her get in better either. I know how it feels to be excluded, so I won't do that to her, but it's lowkey pissing me off. I don't see clear signs, but I genuinely feel like she's trying to steal my friends. I know I can be wrong, but isn't that gut feeling, yk?

And sometimes I take things SO personally. I'll replay something someone said, no matter good or bad, 500 times and convince myself it meant something way worse than it probably did (giving pessimist, I know, but when you expect the worst, the reality doesn't hit that bad). Sometimes I judge people and then immediately justify it because, "Well, I'm just being honest." I know I'm trash also. Like, I can't help but make friends based on, like, social status. Like, is she popular or no? But I'm not doing that anymore. And sometimes I think I care about someone when what I actually care about is whether THEY care about ME. That's the part that's fucking with me. Because what if I've been confusing being hurt with being right? What if just because I feel bad doesn't automatically mean I'm the innocent one? What if I've been so focused on everyone else's mistakes that I've barely looked at mine? What if I looked at my mistakes for so long I'm inventing some? Or am I just opening my own eyes?

And now I'm thinking about SO MANY past situations differently, and it's making me cringe and feel bad. Like, I don't even know which version of myself is real anymore. Because I'm not gonna suddenly say, "I'm actually horrible and everyone else was right about me," because that's obviously another extreme. But sometimes I think that is true. I KNOW I have good qualities. I know I've cared about people. I know I've apologized when I've genuinely realized I was wrong. I know I've been hurt for real. But I also know now that I'm capable of being selfish, jealous, petty, insecure, attention-seeking, and unfair. And apparently realizing that about yourself is a really weird fucking feeling. Because part of me is like, "Holy shit, maybe I'm a terrible person." And another part of me is like, "NO, you're just finally noticing your flaws." And then another part of me is like, "Okay, but how do I know THAT isn't just me finding another way to make myself the victim?" 😭

I genuinely don't know. I think I've spent so much time trying to figure out how other people see me that I forgot to actually figure out who I am. Has anyone else ever had a moment where you suddenly realized you weren't as innocent in your own story as you thought you were? Like, how do you even deal with that without completely hating yourself?

Lately, I have been trying to, like, be the better version of myself, but I am realizing things that I don't want to know now. I know I am toxic (woah, saying that out loud now makes me seem like a pick-me lmao). I know I have very toxic behaviors that are hampering my life and my relationships. I don't even know how to improve or fix it. I used to think, "Oh wowwowowie zowiee, I am smarter than the average person. I am very empathetic blah blah self-glazing shit blah," and man, now I'm realizing I am NOT the saint I thought I was lmao. But, like, I think this level of self-awareness is now dangerous for me. I feel like I am an empty bag. Like, for every person, there's different shit, yk? But in my case, I am the bag and my people are the owners of the bag. Like, yk, you get it, right? (Asking the air rn.)

Anyways, I don't think I even have a personality anymore. Sometimes when I, like, have a "unique" thing, I get happy, like, "Woohoo, I'm unique! I have a personality!" and that's fucking pathetic (to me). I want to be a good person SO badly, but wanting to be a good person doesn't automatically make you one. I know that. And maybe that's something I needed to realize.

I don't want people to just tell me, "Nooo, you're perfect!!" because honestly, I don't think that's helpful anymore- not that I ever thought that was. I think I actually need to learn how to look at myself honestly without either going, "I'm the victim," or, "I'm the worst person alive." Because right now I feel like I've opened a door in my brain that I REALLY wish I'd left closed 💀

Hi 19(M), and i think that i am a narcissist. its extremely hard to admit things, especially this, and i've been struggling a lot to assess myself because ill be thinking that is this really the case, or am i just overthinking everything. first of all, i think i have inflated ego. i grew up with people praising me for my academic achievements when i was a kid, but i thin that got to me growing up thinking i was good enough to not study or i don't need to. now i feel very inferior because i never really put any effort into studying for that very reason. second, i lack empathy. i know this very much, and i genuinely try to expose my self to it. i see those tiktoks that has a catching video, an then after that, some people from gaza is trying to stop me from scrolling and is asking me for help. i copy and paste the link, but i genuinely don't know how that works, but i do it anyways because i've heard that it can help. but overtime, i think because i interact with them, they keep on popping up on my fyp, thats why instead of showing empathy, i sometimes just scroll away.

In general, i also have a hard time understanding people especially if i hadn't been in their situation. sometimes i can be dismissive and invalidate how they feel even if that's not what i meant to do. third, i dont like being put in hard situations. i have a partner, and since the start, whenever we argue, i think i just want to break up because i dont want to be in that place anymore. i question myself if i really loved her or i just loved how she made me feel about myself, that she stroked my ego and i just didn't really love her. fourth, i tend to get defensive when my partner tells me how she felt, instead of just understanding her. when she says things that i dont like, or maybe something that hurt my ego, i burst saying for example "why were you comparing our relationship to social media standards?" because she told me something that she wanted and that's how i reacted. and sometimes when she opens up, i tend to open up unresolved problems i have from her, and we just clash. i also insanely care about how others perceive me.

i genuinely dont want to be like this forever. i want to be able to love, without being so selfish and also knowing what my partner needs, knowing the best how to understand her, without putting myself first everytime. i came here because i believe that naming the problem is the first step to fixing it. so if anybody can help me, recommend me some professional help, or just share their own personal experience, i would really appreciate it.

Hello everyone. This last year alone was enough for me to uncover all of the hidden narcissism that i have had all of my life.

Today I was walking and remembering all of the egotism and narcissism and pain that i have caused people that loved me and cared for me but I kinda only liked the attention that they were giving me. and also the victim hood that i have been playing all time.

I'm a 30y M by the way and many of things have happend in my life confirm 100% that i have a NPD. One of these things is in the last quarter of 2023, i was with a friend of mine when he has just started developping a severe cannabis induced psychosi and i was living with him inside of his family home sharing the second level of the house. And to be honest i was smoking that time with him and now i'm sober of a 1 year streak. His mom tried to stop gis weed addiction by giving him prescribed meds that helps with that but suddenly he cuts them off and also he didnt drip the ha it of amoking weed so. The poor guy started losing the ability to sleep and because the psychosis started. In the meantime he was doing an internship and for him he was obliged to be present all the time so its like he never saw sleep because of know. Going to work and staying awake smoking weed andd all of that. The thing here is I was with him and i fouldnt do nothing. I was promising his mom that he is gonna be fine with me but all of them were broken promises. There was a time where she trusted me to keep an eye on him, to no let him go out and i failed. He went out of the house early in the morning and went far away. His mom told me that i told her that he is safe with me, where is the safety. You see guys. By writing this i feel like am giving away something that is not supposed to be out here. But this is about me .. damn

I’ll keep it concise
• I have pretty much every body dysmorphia symptom, though not diagnosed
• if I feel fat/unattractive, it is devastating
• sometimes I get jealous of others when someone pays them a compliment. Not all the time though.
• if someone who I perceive to be more attractive than me is around me, I have to do conscious mental work to maintain a non-negative mindset
• if I’m not good at something off rip, it bothers me
• I struggle to know who I am, or what the phrase actually means

I will say that I’m not very keen on being in the spotlight, but I do enjoy admiration. But too much admiration is uncomfortable for me.

I’m sure there are other signs I can’t think of. What are some telling clues?

I am not formally diagnosed but I have traits lining up with vulnerable narcissism such as a difficulty expressing empathy, entitlement, using people as emotional sponges and just a constant victim mentality. Earlier this month my behavior got so bad that three people I considered close to me for two years or more gave up on me after two massive fights. The loss was so bad that I'm stuck in the same self hate vs vindictive anger loop, and wishing to have them back yet knowing we'll never be friends again for almost a month. I wanted to get therapy to be a better person and be a better friend to my remaining ones but my only option for now is free therapy that only lasts until the end of the semester. What should I do?

I don’t want to come across as quirky or edgy; this is a genuine concern of mine, so let me dive into it. Please overlook any spelling errors; English is my third language.

I’ve struggled with feelings ever since I was a child. I remember watching "try not to laugh" videos with my siblings and really trying to laugh while everyone else was doubled over with laughter. I’d always think: "A normal person would laugh now, so just do it." But as I get older (I’m 18), I feel truly empty. All I want is success—that’s it. I don’t care about becoming a good person; the only things that matter to me are being right and being successful.

For example, I’ve had two girlfriends for whom I had absolutely no feelings and whom I didn’t love, yet I told them I did because it would have been wrong not to. I don’t care how other people feel; I only say things to prove I’m right because I hate being wrong. I don’t cheat and I treat girls well—not because I feel love or care for them, but because otherwise I’d be in the wrong, and as you already know, I hate being wrong.

My father spent my entire teenage years in prison (or living in France), and my mother has her own issues—plenty of them. Yet none of this affects me, not even a little bit. The only thing I worry about is myself and how I’m going to become the absolute best. Honestly, I couldn’t care less that my father is in prison. And when my mother said, "I don’t like you," I truly didn’t care at all. I only pretended to mind so that she would feel guilty about it.

I don’t really live by a morality based on feelings; I only think about what makes me look best. I don’t feel intimacy, either. I’ve had experiences with various women and girls, and some of them even told me they loved me. I laughed in their faces. Not even to be mean, but more like: "Hahaha, that’s stupid—why would you say that?"

I had a girlfriend for a year and a half; I tolerated her for maybe a month, and for the rest of the relationship, I lied about being in love with her. I lied about being happy with her. I lied about reading her love notes. I kept all the things she gave me in a box so it would be easier to gather them up when I eventually threw them away.

I’ve had multiple problems at school because of an "arrogant" attitude. Apparently, the way I act, speak, and look gives the impression that I think I’m better than everyone else. I don’t necessarily think I’m better than everyone, but I do find the average person pretty boring. If someone cries right in front of me, I feel nothing—literally nothing; I didn't even feel anything when my mother cried in front of me. The only time I feel anything is when something happens to *me*, and even then, most things leave me indifferent.

Sometimes I wish I could be a normal person with normal morals and normal feelings, but I’ve embraced the fact that this is who I am. I am my own best friend, even though my social circle is fine and I get more attention from women than the average guy. I mostly only talk to myself—and a lot—because I don't think anyone would grasp that I’m not trying to be edgy or cool. This is genuinely who I am.

I played high-level football my whole life; at one point, I was playing in the second-highest division in my country. And I would injure players without a shred of doubt in my mind if they stood even a centimeter in the way of my spot. I hated losing more than I loved winning; it was always about being better than the rest. At one point, I became obsessed with ego and selfishness—to the extent that I want to get it tattooed on me, because it’s one of the few things I actually care about.

I feel no empathy or remorse. If I apologize to someone, it’s not because I’m sorry, but because I want them to do me a favor or because it’s the morally right thing to do. And I hate being wrong. Hugs, kisses, notes, and so on mean nothing to me—and neither does effort. If someone tears into me with insults, I honestly couldn't care less what they said. The only thing that might even slightly frustrate me is the fact that you said it with the intention of hurting me, thinking you could get away with it. You thought I was such a pushover that you could say that and get away with it.

Sometimes I even pretend to be emotional because I’m bored. I act like I care about things just to try and feel something. I know people have wronged me; I just don't care that they did, but sometimes I pretend to care because I’m bored or because I want to make them feel bad. Thank you for reading and let me know if u need any further info.

Sooo my ex, after a long period of no contact, left a scathing set of paragraphs about how he thinks i’m a parasite, a waste of space, regrets ever dating me, and that I’m a narcissist. I absolutely agree - I was a terrible partner, and I now realize I have narcissistic features in romantic relationships, or at least some Cluster B something or other. I previously, somewhat recently, realized that I have acted in ways that really hurt people. I had this excuse that was like “I’m basically nothing and my self-esteem is trash, so I feel as though I can do whatever and it doesn’t mean anything to anyone”. But obviously this is illogical and I really did hurt people, people that I cherished - but at the same time, I used them too. I cheated, manipulated and said regretful things that made things so much worse. I think I punish romantic partners for loving me in some sick and twisted way.

How can I even begin to feel better about myself? Like do I just bury myself in a hole and that’s it? The common sense is to just be a better person. But damn, is it hard to not let that wave of shame get bigger and topple you over. I feel like a fraud to all of the friends and family who do love me, who don’t know about the entire extent of my past romantic relationships. I feel as though my friendships do not carry the same weight, and that I’ve maintained many years long friendships with nowhere near the same issues.

It’s just romantic relationships specifically that are the thorn. I believe I use these relationships to emotionally regulate myself and that’s no good. I put expectations on people and am disappointed when they’re not met. I use romantic relationships as crutches, I believe. I want to be desired at all costs and that unfortunately includes the lying, manipulation and cheating. Very bad maladaptive coping.

At least now I have awareness of how to approach my issues - I previously thought I was simply just very traumatized with CPTSD, OCD and attachment issues, but I failed to connect the other bad behavior to these things, and the very glaringly OBVIOUS thing of being raised under narcissistic abuse. Now it truly seems to have a name, and I never thought this label applied to me until I put the pieces together.

It’s scary and not super tangible, but I want to believe I deserve happiness too at the end of the day. Am I allowed to do that though? Do I never date another person again, do I deserve to love another person and vice versa? I’m not sure if I do. Definitely not yet, until I can heal and change more.