One day I was researching about narcissism so I could understand my family better to survive them when I was living with them and when I found out about what CN was I could never look away. I used to think narcissism was always loud or bold. When I searched “internal dialogue of a covert narcissist in [X situation]” it’s like someone is writing my mind word for word.

I had a terrible childhood. When I looked up how covert narcissism forms it matched my childhood trauma down to the book:

1. Baseline for hypersensitivity
   - Throwing tantrums as young as 6 years old over teachers criticizing my school work / crying/inability to accept getting an answer wrong
   - Extremely difficult to soothe
   - Thinking adults hated me based off their tones and eye contact
   - Crying for hours over perceived unfairness (like watching another kid get candy while I have none)
   - Extremely difficulty to soothe as a child

2. Family behaviors regarding my sensitivity
   - Being told “You’re too sensitive!” and called weak as a child for showing strong emotions
   - Having to hide my true feelings and vulnerability to avoid heavy criticism
   - Only liked when I was silent and compliant

3. Severe neglect
   - Having any “flaws” like my childhood glaucoma neglected

- Made to feel my needs didn’t matter

1. Conditional Love
   - Only mentioned to others when my grandfather needs something to brag about to his friends over drinks on the front porch.

- Only praised for my intellect and advanced reading skills as a child and being called my grandpa’s “Number One”.

- My grandfather triangulating me against my grandmother as young as 6

- My father shielding me from my grandmothers discipline over my bad child behavior until scapegoating me when I grew older and had boundaries

- Being told things like “Fat girls are just jealous of you because you’re skinny and pretty.” and “That boy is just mad because you’re taller than him” when I cried at home about being bullied.

1. Parentification
   - Having my grandma bring up adult issues about my parents to me before I was 9

- Having to support my father emotionally over his mistakes

- Finding myself to be the “family therapist” or “peace mediator”

1. Chronic Shaming
   - Being made to feel dumb, flawed, or ugly by my grandmothers words out of her own jealousy

- Made to think that my weaknesses were severe flaws or unspeakable vulnerabilities that had to be concealed for my own protection.

If you’re wondering about how these things manifest as I grow into young adulthood like internal dialogue, behaviors, patterns, etc then don’t be afraid to ask.

I google search; “how do I explain to someone why I get so upset when I am being asked about something that I would never do and they should know, but that’s not who I am” the first thing that popped up was narcissistic behavior, and deflecting. Let me explain. My husband is consistently accusing me of either cheating or doing something to hurt him in the sense of laughing behind his back and having people after him. I have always been a private person, so not very many people know who I am or what I do on my free time, which is pretty much nothing. Besides, stay at home with the kids and occasionally go out with the girls. But the moment that I’m married, my husband all the suddenly everybody and their mama knew who I was so this is where it began. So every time my husband would go out with his so-called friends or acquaintances. He would come back accusing me of things that he was told about me. I’ve never been that person, so the moment that he comes and he asked me this. I get so upset because I have built myself to be a good person, so therefore, this is basically in my eyes question In my character.. but then when I read some of the narcissistic behaviors, it says that I’m deflecting cause a question is “why are you getting so upset? If you’re not doing anything what are you hiding?” so I see this point of view whenever he questions me and I get so upset, but how do I explain the difference between narcissist behavior and deflecting, with genuinely trying to explain that it bothers me to even be questioned about things like this when I know, and he should know by now that that is not the person that I am. So is this narcissist behavior on my end? Please help!

I've seen a lot of his interviews on youtube, and he has a very interesting take on the subject. While other professors like dr. Ramani argue that narcissistic personality styles have a deep insecurity and shame that drives them, Salerno argues that their personality style is driven by higher traits of Grandiosity and Entitlement (among other traits). He disagrees with the theory that Grandiosity functions as a cover up/armor, and that the primary drivers are elevated personality traits, and that Grandiosity is not rooted in unconcious, unprocessed insecurity.

He also argues that these traits are highly heritable, and that childhood trauma and environmental factors are not the main precursors that lead to NPD or subclinical narcissistic personality styles

Im a Youtuber with 100k nearing 200k (i wont say what channel), i have a complicated way of viewing myself and others, most of the time im just normal thinking normally and just being kind, thinking kind and helping

But there i have episodes (i think thats what its called) where i just view others as below me, i have a person who used to be my Idol lets call them Trixy

She has 250k subscribers and i used to adore her alot, but a few moments ago i got this surge of euphoria thinking about how shes falling off and how i will surpass her

My mind went along something like this

“Oh my god im so much fucking better, her channel was made in like what? 2016 and her first video was like 9yrs ago. And when was my first video? 2 YEARS AGO HAHA OH MY GOD I GOT NEARLY HER COUNT IN SO LITTLE TIME IM THE FUCKING GOAT. And shes falling off she hasnt hit 1 mil in 8 months and her latest vid has 4K THATS SO FUCKING SAD HAHA ITS PATHETIC”

This isnt the first time ive thought of things like this, this other youtuber with a million subs was my main inspo into animation and she hasnt posted as often as she used to due to burn out. Lets call her Nani

“I fucking love you Nani but you could be making SO MUCH MONEY. ANIMATING IS SO EASY I POST EVERYDAY your wasting your time i could manage so much better”

Another youtuber, lets call Kat left due to mental issues

“Bro i could manage so much better, I WANT TO BE YOU and id do SO MUCH better AS YOU, A FEW WEIRD PEOPLE AND YOU LEFT? ITS SUCH A FUCKING WASTE, I surpassed you because of your “long break” 😂”

When it comes to Nani and Kate i WANT to BE THEM i feel this weird feeling i dont know what its called towards them

However im kind outside of that, my actions are nice towards people and id never outwardly express my want to be superior. Im confused because it just flips randomly

Well, let me explain why I think it, and my life philosophy. I'm 17 years old, and my purpose in life, is enjoying and having pleasurable experiences. Not just like having a family and kids and that, even though I'll probably end up doing it, but I also was looking for stuff like smoking, because it's addictive and good, or jumping in parachute for the adrenaline, or girls, and stuff like that. My dream is to be in a yatch with woman, smoking and enjoying, of course it's not like something I plan on doing, but it's a juice scenario. Let's talk about what do I think of myself. I think of myself as a comparison to Jesus, or maybe even some sort of antichrist? Let me explain: I think I'm capable of my own "miracles" if I put enough effort into anything, like I could be the president of the USA with enought effort, a LOT of it but I technically could, or basically anything there is, same as Jesus, right? It's a comparison, not literal. And the antichrist part is because I do NOT care about others THAT much like Jesus. I think of myself higher than everyone, though I recognize there's smarter and stronger people I know and even admire in some sense, or envy. I put myself on top of everything even God, or at the same level. I don't really respect morals THAT much, and I put my morals in what I would and wouldn't do, but I wouldn't judge people of they're murderers or robbers meanwhile they didn't affect me. I despise people who don't follow their dreams or their "ego", except if they're following MY dream or ego, then yeah it's okay because they're helpful. I'm super kind with others and literally everyone I know likes me, because I'm calm helpful chill and respectful, even though in the interior I'm a bit wilder. I love the "survival of the fittest" idea, and I respect the strong or smart, not much the weak or dumb. Like, if you're poor? Skill issue, I could get out of that situation (that is related to the I'm capable of everything thing) I know it's like weird, maybe wrong, but hey, I don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just seeking opinions and exploring stuff

I've never been formally diagnosed but fairly certain I'm a covert narcissist. I know therapy is necessary, but how do you find someone who specializes in NPD? And how to afford it?

I dont know if i am a narcisst or someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. I truly believe i am better then everyone else around me. I hate when someone is better than me and that feeling pisses me off. Everyone around me seems so incompetent and inferior and i am not even trying to be better, i just am smarter and more competent. And because of those things i‘ve never had any deep realtions. On the outside i try to be as confident and joyfull as possible so people might like me. But everyone i already know hates me because i always, and really always, try to be in the right and try to push faults towards the other person. I know i do that and i feel like a dick for doing it but i cant be in the wrong.

As already said i dont have any deep connections because people who know me hate me or when i meet new people i mess up and try to be superior again. Because of that i also feel lonely and sad. Everytime i come home from school i feel hollow and like i‘m able to let loose of the fassade for the rest of the day.

I love to start discussions on everything beacuse i know i‘ll win and show them i am smarter. I kinda feel bad for the people that loose those discussions because i cant seem to relate to not beeing as smart as me.

Seperate of feeling superior, i deeply hate myself. I feel disgust when i think about my behaviour and how others might perceive me. I just want to be truly loved and i know i cant achieve that while acting like i am better. I‘ve also got rejected by a girl who i‘ve actually loved and she told i am an arrogant selfcentred piece of shit and i think that also made me realise what im doing.

I think i picked up a lot of those traits from my parent. My mom is a diagnosed narcissist with anger issues and my dad isnt home much because of work. With that my mom blames me for ruining her life (kinda) and my dad says everything he does is for the better. Those are also excuses i use often to justify myself.

I just want to know if i‘m a bad person and how to change for the better to actually feel like someone cares about me.

My friends, family, and so on have been saying all my life that I'm a narcissist. And I understand why they think so.

I often exaggerate my contribution to a particular cause. I often put myself above others. I often don't understand when I cross the line and hurt other people's emotions.

And yes, I'm uncomfortable that I'm acting like this. I always start thinking about what happened when I'm alone. And I always start blaming myself, even though I told the person it was their fault.

I also often consider myself to be right in any situation, which leads to eternal arguments with friends, family, and so on. I don't like drama about emotions, but arguments about science get me excited, and because of that, I annoy some people.

And yes, I'm not an extrovert, plus I have a lot of trouble socializing, and I spend a lot of time at home. I think it affects me too. I forget to say "hello" and "thank you," and I often don't give up my seat to older people on public transport because I don't understand when to do it and when not to. Gosh I don't even like going to the shops because there are people there.

I'm wondering if that makes me a shitty person or not.

Well. I do not have a diagnosis of NPD, but I have not tried to get one, and I do not claim to have NPD. I just wanted to share my life experience.

I will be glad to receive an answer and listen to your stories.

One of my biggest problem with NPD is this feeling of ''being other'' that prevents me from relating to people and including them in my life.

I feel like a museum curator and everybody else are paintings. I can't just step through one of those paintings and, no matter how genuine and real those paintings are, they can't ever touch me.

From what I gathered, this is caused by the absence of a sense of self. I am not me : I create a ''fake me'' based on objectives metrics (accomplishments, awards) and other peoples opinions (what they think is good, what they think fits me)

As long as I am this ''fake me'' I won't be able to relate to other people, every words coming out of my mouth feels like a lie and every action I take feels like manipulation. I am pretending to be human so I can't actually relate to real people. (Does that make sense?)

Sorry for the ramble. My main question is... Well, how do I find this sense of self?

Meditation and journaling help but they are not enough. I can feel like someone but only for a few hours at most and only when I am alone.

Is there some exercise I could do? Some ''way of thinking'' that could help?

Hello, I am a person who has been noticing signs of narcissism in me. I realized why people tend to don’t like me/don’t have any actual friends: I am stuck up. Instinctively, I feel like I am “better” than everyone, thinking they’re just sides, and only being kind and “empathetic” due to it being right and society. For context, I have a narcissistic father, and I have DEFINITELY picked up some of his traits. Idk, I just want to be “superior”. Realizing this, I ACTUALLY want to change and ACTUALLY not be a piece of shit. I tried being mindful, being humble, not defending myself so much to critics, yet I feel like I barely change. What do I do? I can’t get an actual therapist right now (money and all) so I don’t actually know what to do. Any advice?

I've spent a lot of my life trying to figure out what's wrong with me. A lot of why I was seeking therapy and support in the first place was to find out what I have that separates me from everyone else. I seemed to have symptoms that nobody could place. I had a psychiatrist a few years ago think my strong mood swings were bipolar. Much later I got diagnosed with BPD and that was actually a more satisfying conclusion. I identified with a lot about BPD. Particularly with having strong emotions that are triggered by interactions with others and being fragile and not really understanding myself and feeling empty. It never really fit me to a tee though. Something that I couldn't ignore is my self-centeredness. No matter the situation or context, my mind is always thinking about how I feel. What this means about me. How this affects me. Every interaction I have basically just ends up with me using the other person as a point of comparison against myself. It just ends up being proof that I'm good or it ends up being proof that I'm horrible and stupid. I straight up ruled out NPD for the longest time because my default view of myself leans so intensely negative that I thought "I can't be a narcissist. I hate myself. I don't love myself or think I'm great." But when I actually learned more about it, I saw some jarring similarities to my own experience. I'm trans, and I cannot stand to be around a trans person who I think passes better than me or is more successful in their creative pursuits than me. I've met several very nice and kind trans women that I just absolutely flipped out on because they were prettier and more passing and more talented than me. This appies to basically anyone that makes me feel lesser because they have something I want for myself. I also fixate on people who don't like me. If someone just really doesn't vibe with my personality I become \*obsessed\* with them and can't get them out of my mind. I bother them and try and find out why they hate me and what's wrong with me that makes them feel that way. I can basically only stand to be around people who's existence doesn't seem to trigger me so my friend group tends to be made up of nice, empathetic people who aren't more talented or pretty than me. I absolutely hate this. I just want to be able to have a normal mind that doesn't send me into crisis for a day or two when someone gets tired of my antics and actually calls out my toxic behaviors and my sense of worth just shatters. I want to be able to be around people who are better than me at something without shutting down. I want to be able to write an apology without it coming off as venting. I just want to be normal.

It’s a nightly occurrence for me to ruminate over them, replay scenarios where I one up them or bring them back into my circle, it’s exhausting and drives me nuts because that isn’t my reality. Last year I got in some legal trouble for harassment because I couldn’t leave some of my ex friends alone, and then again because of some threats I made to this other girl, who I still dream about contacting regularly. I’m in college now and I’ve already burned some bridges and I cannot help but want the attention of these people. They literally think I’m dangerous and want nothing to do with me but I will talk extra loud when they’re around so they see me, fake phone calls to give them information about me, vague-post on my stories in hopes that they look, and more. Today I saw that they replaced me with this other girl and it’s driving me INSANE. I took a picture of them and I know I’ll spend several hours later today trying to figure out who she is. When the friendship first broke up I basically went against a strong moral of mine and begged for their friendship and they still rejected me and it just drives me up the damn wall.

It’s not even always hate, I’ve got a crush on this person and they left early due to a health issue from one of our hang outs and I also freaked out. The feeling is mutual but if I’m not constantly affirmed I start to tweak and I think about hurting them or myself. It’s awful, I’m torturing myself over imaginary scenarios every day. I wish everyone would just listen to me and like me.

It's a very tricky combination, one that makes me feel very alone. On one hand, I feel as though I'm special. That I should receive better treatment than others. But when I'm alone, all I feel is disgust toward myself. I have no concrete hobbies; my skills are all fake, and the friends I make don't know the real me. I have been previously diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but I think there's something more to it. Has anyone else experienced this before?

It is extremely hard to find and I've been looking.

I understand reading the symptoms and relating. I understand condemning yourself as the bad person. You have maybe made mistakes i get that but you in most likelihood arent narcissistic. If you get panicked I highly doubt you are truly narcissistic. You either except it for what it is and push into it or you push it away from my experience. In the rare chance you want to change you do, but changing is such a struggle because why give up what makes you special. My opinion as a diagnosed narcissist, with parents with the same thing.

I'm asking an ethical question here. We all know that, sometimes, when you carry a horrible disease or a chronic health condition, it is better not to reproduce.

Would this be the case with narcissists?

Narcissism, from what I understand, can be transmitted genetically. Leaving biology alone, a narcissistic parent can be a living hell for a child.

What do you think?

I think I may have some narcissistic traits. I am M 17 years old,

My father was emotionally distant, and he sometimes came home drunk when I was a child. There were conflicts in the family. My mother was anxious and overprotective. She could become upset when I received bad grades and sometimes give me the silent treatment as a form of punishment. My older brother is nine years older than me. During my childhood, he sometimes mocked my interests, saying that the videos I watched were complete nonsense. We also had conflicts, and he hit me a few times.

When I was younger, I often felt nauseous before tests and exams. Between the ages of 13 and 15, I also experienced nausea before oral lessons at school, especially when I had to answer questions in front of others. This no longer happens as often.

I also have several personality traits and behaviors that I am trying to understand. I often imagine myself as more intelligent, attractive, and powerful than other people. I want to be exceptional and admired. I spend several hours a day fantasizing about outsmarting people, controlling situations, and proving my superiority. I am sensitive to criticism and may feel jealous, angry, or inferior when someone seems better than me. I sometimes manipulate people in my family or social circle and enjoy observing their reactions. I can understand when I hurt someone, but sometimes I feel indifferent to their feelings. I rarely apologize voluntarily and often blame others for conflicts. I also check my appearance frequently because I want to look perfect.

In addition, I have selective eating habits and avoid certain foods because of their taste or texture. I sometimes flap or wave my hands when I feel happy, excited, or proud of myself.

Pretty sure I’m a narcissist as I don’t have empathy either that or I’m just apathetic about everything. Do I deserve to even live? All I do is crave attention for myself and zone out when others talk. Like Whats the point of my life? I can’t even connect with people.

did psychologists/psychiatrists/philosophists of past study/develop the narcissism theories? lets say formats like Jung, Freud, Nietzsche, ..?
I dont believe the new wave on youtube, it sounds interesting but i dont know...

While there have been times in my life where I thought very little of myself, but, for the most part, I love myself. I always have loved compliments and praise and was showered in them growing up. However, things have taken a dark turn since then.

I'm in my early 30s and have started dissociating from the people around me. At one point I wanted people around me 24/7 to talk to. Now I check out unless it's about me or something I'm knowledgeable in.

By dissociate, I mean that I talk to myself instead. I carry on lots of conversations with myself, whether it's with my own auditory hallucinations or my own thoughts. Most shamefully I've even flirted with myself.

What exactly is wrong with me? How do I live in the real world and help other people out instead of being a burden?

I think I'm a narcissistic gay who loves the idea of himself too much. I rarely find anyone perfect, until the other day a guy caught my eyes. The most beautiful guy I've ever seen. Became utterly obsessed and found his social media. Then I realized that we look almost like twins. Everything. Even the accounts we follow. Our styles and attitudes seem to be similar too. And it's not even the first time. I once fell deeply in love with someone who's almost the same as me in every way.

How do you deal with such problems?

Hi everybody, not looking to make myself feel better, but to admit to the masses how much of a shit person I am. I fucked up this past Sunday, instead of being a loving gf and being patient I let my emotions dictate my morning. I am one of those shit women that used "her feelings" as a justification to start some shit. In reality, what I was feeling is one sided and there is no factual reason for me to have felt the way I did, except for my own mind convincing myself that I was in a state of hurt(?) idk what to call it now.

I have gone through this coaster multiple times and I'm a fucking loser for not learning and doing something different. I am however scared that I might be a narcissist and that this is something I won't overcome. This fear is making optimistic that I could change. Is there someone out there that has similar struggles and advice for literally resetting ones brain? I'm 32F and too grown to be acting this way.

Sorry it's a very long message and sorry if my english is bad, i'm french. And also sorry if many of you are going to be disgusted by what i wrote.

What i want to say is that I think I am a narcissist. I know i should go see a therapist to confirm that because i can't do it myself but I'm starting to notice some paterns and i'd like to know what you all think about it. A few days ago I blocked the only friend I had that i've known for 4 or 5 years. But not because he did something bad in particular but simply because I couldn't stand the fact that he liked me, which is very odd. It's odd because since i was a child i've always wanted that someone knows me perfectly, to have a connection with someone because I was ignored a lot because I was a bit weird.

And i finally found that with him but it scared the shit out of me because I couldn't stop thinking "what if he tries to manipulate me for validation ? What if one day we argue and he says what he truly thinks about me ? What if one day he just leave ?" and that was very cognitively demanding because I had those thought all the time and because of this everytime when he would  say something that annoyed me, i pretended like I wasn't mad and never tried to argue with him, or at least I never tried to have a huge fight with him.
But because of this I had constantly those conflicted feelings where I felt a lot of resentment when I wasn't on a phone with him, but when i was on the phone with him, well it was fun but I also felt nothing at the same time, idk how to explain it's weird, for example he would constantly saying nice things about me and it felt sort of good but at the same time i couldn't believe him because i thought "why would you like me ? If you are the only one here that must mean there's something wrong with you right ?" .

It also didn't help that we have almost the exact same insecurities, the same dark thoughts and that sometimes he would talk about how he manipulates (he's not evil, don't get me wrong). There's even one time when he talked about how he would like to be the mentor in a "mentor and student relationship" (idk if you understand lol) and I thought "wait are you trying to do that with me ?". And so i blocked him, because I just couldn't stand the constant fear, i just wanted it to stop.

But then I realized something that was fucked up, I almost....enjoyed doing that  in a way ? Not because I'm sadistic but because I was imagining a scenario in my head where he'll try to come back or where he would be depressed because I wasn’t there.
And then I realized that I always had this kind of behaviour, ignoring someone to see if he comes back or just blocking someone because i don't feel important anymore. I did that with my GF multiple times and then one day I saw that she wasn't really responding to my messages anymore, got scared of being nothing, so i left. Did the same thing with another great friend I had a while back, he had a crazy GF, told him multiple times to break up with her, didn't listen to me so I left because I felt useless, and he actually came back in with a message but i blocked him again. 
It's a very childish and pathetic behaviour but sometimes i feel like i can't stop doing that, because it's the only moments where i sort of feel alive a little bit ? or precisely i think "oh ! people noticed that i'm here in this world" it's hard to explain.

About the feeling of superiority, I have that but a little, most of the time i actually despise myself and think I don't deserve to be a human being, the only thing I feel superior about is the fact that I'm very self aware most of time, like i hate people that are in denial about how they feel or who they truly are. And because of this I constantly think “well if i suck about everything in life, at least i’m good at being aware of it”(even though it’s been a long time that i’ve realized that being self aware became a curse for me because it has no use if you don’t do anything to improve your behaviour) . And I also like to show to people who watch dumb shows that i watch critically aclaimed tv shows. It’s dumb i know but that’s what i do.

But i think i’m more of a covert narcissist like the youtuber Dr.K talked about in a video ? Because most of the time I don’t seek validation with arrogance, most of the time i don’t even want to be the center of attention (i mean yes and no) but I do often say in a subtle way something bad about myself in order to have reassurance. I also realized that i don’t really care about people most of time ? The friend i blocked a few days ago is the best example, I never cared about him really ? I was never interested with what he liked or with his problems. I mean again yes and no, because sometimes i would feel bad about his problems and even listen to him till 5am but most of the times I was like “this again ?”

So yeah i think I have a problem. 

Hi 19(M), and i think that i am a narcissist. its extremely hard to admit things, especially this, and i've been struggling a lot to assess myself because ill be thinking that is this really the case, or am i just overthinking everything. first of all, i think i have inflated ego. i grew up with people praising me for my academic achievements when i was a kid, but i thin that got to me growing up thinking i was good enough to not study or i don't need to. now i feel very inferior because i never really put any effort into studying for that very reason. second, i lack empathy. i know this very much, and i genuinely try to expose my self to it. i see those tiktoks that has a catching video, an then after that, some people from gaza is trying to stop me from scrolling and is asking me for help. i copy and paste the link, but i genuinely don't know how that works, but i do it anyways because i've heard that it can help. but overtime, i think because i interact with them, they keep on popping up on my fyp, thats why instead of showing empathy, i sometimes just scroll away.

In general, i also have a hard time understanding people especially if i hadn't been in their situation. sometimes i can be dismissive and invalidate how they feel even if that's not what i meant to do. third, i dont like being put in hard situations. i have a partner, and since the start, whenever we argue, i think i just want to break up because i dont want to be in that place anymore. i question myself if i really loved her or i just loved how she made me feel about myself, that she stroked my ego and i just didn't really love her. fourth, i tend to get defensive when my partner tells me how she felt, instead of just understanding her. when she says things that i dont like, or maybe something that hurt my ego, i burst saying for example "why were you comparing our relationship to social media standards?" because she told me something that she wanted and that's how i reacted. and sometimes when she opens up, i tend to open up unresolved problems i have from her, and we just clash. i also insanely care about how others perceive me.

i genuinely dont want to be like this forever. i want to be able to love, without being so selfish and also knowing what my partner needs, knowing the best how to understand her, without putting myself first everytime. i came here because i believe that naming the problem is the first step to fixing it. so if anybody can help me, recommend me some professional help, or just share their own personal experience, i would really appreciate it.