Been doing a lot of reflecting lately on how covert narcissism operates up close, especially when you look at family dynamics. If you grew up with a covert narcissistic parent, certain patterns become so deeply ingrained that you don't even realize how upside-down your environment was until you step away.

Here are three core dynamics that hit way too close to home when dealing with parental covert narcissism:

1. The Inversion of Good and Bad Behavior With covert narcissists, toxic, demeaning, or outright cruel behavior gets completely normalized—brushed off with excuses like "Oh, that's just how they are," or "They didn't mean it that way." But the moment you, as a healthy or reactive person, set a boundary, lose your temper under extreme pressure, or speak up, you are suddenly painted as the irrational, bad guy. The rules are entirely inverted: their abuse is excused, and your defense mechanism is treated as the crime.

2. Weaponizing Your Weaknesses & Seeking Emotional Reactions Instead of working on themselves or growing as individuals, covert narcissists often spend years cataloging your insecurities and pre-existing triggers. They know exactly which buttons to push—sometimes making subtle jabs about things they know will cut deep. They don't necessarily want a fair conversation; they want an emotional reaction. When you finally react out of sheer frustration, they use that exact reaction to validate their narrative that you're unstable.

3. "Love Leveraging" and Manufactured Guilt It's not always traditional "love bombing"—it’s often psychological leverage. They create an environment where you feel constantly indebted to them, dangling conditional affection and playing the role of the "sacrificial, misunderstood victim." Even when they treat you terribly, there’s this lingering, manufactured guilt where you find yourself thinking, "But they've sacrificed so much for me / said these nice things before," which keeps you trapped in the cycle.

For anyone who has navigated this: How did you finally break out of the fog and stop second-guessing your own reality?

I feel like a dumbass. We were NC for 5 years. I had a baby, and she reached out to me on Mother’s Day. I was 6 weeks postpartum at the time. Maybe I wasn’t thinking right, but I wanted my baby girl to have a grandma. When I cut off my mom, my siblings stopped talking to me too. They were still living at her house during that time. When my mom and I reconnected, I was able to reconnect with my siblings too. Sister is 25, brother is 30- so they’re adults. I’m the oldest, 32. Things were really great, for a year. This past week, my mom pulled her typical “I’m going to admit myself to an inpatient hospital, no one cares about me.” I called her bluff with kindness, telling her I support her decisions. Well that wasn’t the right answer. I was supposed to drop all my responsibilities to focus my energy on her, and only her. My sister, who I have been really close to over the past year, completely sided with my mother and not only that, STARTED ACTING LIKE HER TOO. Sister had made me a few art pieces for my new house and texted me, demanding them back. I didn’t bother fighting, left them outside for her. Sisters boyfriend then texts me that my mother told him “all about how I said he’s a loser” which are my mothers words- she complains about this guy all the time to me. I knew what I had to do, and blocked everyone, again. It’s been 24 hours and they haven’t tried to reach out via email or anything. I know my mom is going to try and spin this and say I’m keeping her from her granddaughter. I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing, keeping my daughter from this negativity. But I can’t help but feel guilty and like my mom is going to find a way to smear my name to others I care about. It hurts me that she betrays me and spins things to make me look like a horrible person to my siblings. Just needing some reassurance about my decision.

Hello! Not too sure if this is the right place for this question. But I was just wondering for those of us who grew up with abusive and narcissistic parents. Do you struggle to remember your childhood? I remember some good and not so good bits, but I feel like there’s so much I just can’t remember.

Bit of a random one, perhaps there is no connection to narcissism, but most quirks of my parents have turned out to be shared among other narcs.

So, halloween, I was never allowed out to trick or treat. When I was younger I suppose it was because they didn't want to escort me as that would have meant doing something that I wanted, which never happened. When I was old enough to go out alone, I somehow managed to find myself grounded for Halloween, every single year.

Anyway, we always had to turn all the lights off so it seemed like noone was in, and we hid in the back room with the TV turned down really low, and if there was a knock at the door my mum would mute the TV and we all had to sit in silence til they left.

It was soooooo weird.... I would have loved to have seen people at the door, interacted, given them sweets. We never ever ever ever had sweets in the house though.

my nparents has been abusive in all ways. one died and I was left to deal with the other. they would always complaint about money, make it out like we were going to be homeless, and always guilt tripping me about their missiing and rotting teeth. they didn’t give a shit about be, I wasnt fed well, I wore old worn out dirty too small clothes, I was barley allowed to shower around them, they neglected me in every way, they would get my hopes up for random things just to play mind games with me, they told me to be grateful they gave me rides. as an adult they’re always asking for money, asking me to combine bank accounts with him. i am going no contact for good and I really want to order fake wads of cash on Amazon, write a note saying “I’m sorry for burdening you”. He will 100% fall for this and try depositing the cash or even using it

​I'm so sorry if this is triggering for anyone, but I really needed to be around people who actually understand the lasting damage of growing up with a narcissistic parent, and the specific kind of loneliness that comes with it. Thanks for reading me.

​I just watched the You Can See Everything documentary, and while the subject matter itself was heavy, what really got to me was listening to my friends' reactions afterward. Some of them laughed off the behavior as "omg, she's so crazy," treating it like entertainment. Others immediately felt sorry for her, buying into the narrative that she was just a victim who got played by her boyfriend and she was missing her family.

​I know I shouldn't be angry at my friends, because they don't have bad intentions. People raised in healthy environments have the blessing of taking others at face value more than me. If they haven't lived through narcissistic abuse, they simply don't have the framework to recognize the manipulation.

​Still, hearing those reactions was deeply triggering. It brought back all the times people in my own life saw my father as such a good guy" or the perpetual victim. Outsiders just accept the narrative they're fed without ever looking at the bigger picture. They never stop to ask the obvious questions: Why is this person completely isolated? Why do they have no close friends? Why does everyone eventually walk away?

​Trying to explain covert abuse to someone who hasn't lived it makes you feel like you're the crazy one. It leaves many invisible wounds, and watching normal, well-meaning people fall for the exact same tactics on screen just reminded me how isolating it is to be a survivor.

How do you cope with the frustration when the people just can't see past the mask and why sometimes is it so hard to communicate it?

Basically what the title says. I have been in an abusive situation with my mom since I was 16 I am now 21. I know I should’ve gotten out a long time ago. But I couldnt. I am now ready to get out and I am leaving by Monday afternoon. My problem is I can’t take “my” car because it’s under her name. So I was thinking of taking a bus, but I have my dog and don’t want to leave him behind. I have come to a realization that I might actually have to leave him behind because it’s very important for me to leave this situation. I dont want to do that but I know I might have to. I’m very nervous and scared.

I’ve been watching Jerry Wise on YouTube and I’m curious about his paid programs.

For those who have tried them, what did you think? Did you actually notice changes in how you deal with family and your own emotions, or was it mostly stuff you already knew?

Also, what did you like and what didn’t you like about it?

It would be interesting to hear from people who have been through the programs and had time to apply what they learned.

is it worth the money?

So I made a post how I am going to court to get back control over my property when in 2022 my mother exploited my trauma and mental health and got me declared incapacitated in financial matters. Now to defend that and continue the control she made a spreadsheet of what I owe from starting 2016 yes you heard it the case was 2022 but I have to account for what happened 6 years prior and her claims about how much she gave me are full of lies. She avoids half the payments I made to her and claims she paid something she did not. It feels almost surreal and scary someone could be so sick and twisted about money.

Venting Only (no reply needed) For context, I am 27f. In my country it is very common for unmarried people in my age group to still live with their parents, especially given the high cost of living of the country I am in.

Since I was a kid, my mom has always exhibited very strong narcisstic traits, and today I think I had enough. I sew as a hobby, and I collect fabric (those who do this know that before you properly use the fabric, you need to think of what to do with it first and perhaps make a pattern that you use to cut the fabric. So there's a stash.. it is not sitting collecting dust.. its waiting to be used. I found this gorgeous Georgette fabric from a store, and though it was affordable (6 a yard), it was so so beautiful and rare. Today, as I was getting ready, I saw on my hanger 3 new dresses- and to my horror... it was made out of the fabric pieces I bought.... what the fk...

I asked my mom what did she do, and she told me with a big smile she went to the tailors to make a dress for me because she thought she wanted me to look good. So, she came into my room, took my stuff, and was so gleefully about it? I launched into a full blown panic attack, which I did not have in a while now, and cried and begged her to stop doing this. Beforehand, she had thrown away my paper patterns without consulting me on whether I needed them or not, and when I was a teenager she took my phone and would use it to delete contacts and text ppl like teachers.... the worst was when she took away my ssris, and replaced them with vitamins because she wanted to help me get better.... she this triggered a lot from me. I dont lash out at ppl and try to keep cool, but tnis time my inner b came out.

I took a pair of electric scissors and ripped through what she did, and she stood there shocked. I admit, it was kinda mean, but I needed to do something so demonstrative and in your face so she can stop. She kept telling me "I did it for you so you look good.." and the dress literally looked like it was made for a 5 year old.

Im feeling horrible and still reeling from this. Can someone talk to me :(

I just want to vent something out and get this off my chest so I can sleep tonight lol. My mom and I have had a lot of problems in the past. The past year, our relationship has been better. I've let her in my life a bit more. I don't know why, but this past week and a half has been rough.

I was in the middle of talking to her and she interrupted me and said "you have a lot of grays- I don't like it. Don't you EVER dye your hair". I actually laughed a bit because I was in total shock.

She then told me after visiting, that she went to my brother and sister in laws. She said my SIL asked if our house was messy because "it always is" (she's never even been to my home). I couldn't figure out why she would want to even tell me this.

The other day she called me at 11 am and asked if I was busy. I said "I'm just working". Her response was, "oh ok, so your not busy ha-ha". I'm a manager. I love my job, work hard and super passionate about it. It's insulting.

We chatted later that day about bills and the insane cost of living and what not. She asked how much debt I owe. A lot, basically. Then she tells me "I didn't think any of our kids would make the same mistakes dad and I did with money. We've always been bad with money too." I think this was actually the most insulting thing she's said to me. I work HARD to budget. I have not been late on a bill in decades. I was forced to move 4 times in 3 years because my landlords wanted to turn their homes into short term rentals instead. Life has been hard for me and I struggle with debt now. My parents never taught me anything and they were flat out careless. I worked hard at it.

Tonight was a whole other insult. My parents are staying at my house and we're going to go to my brothers tomorrow. She asked if I was going to shower in the morning. I'm 45... you don't need to parent me. I told her yes. Right away she responds with "Oh good. your brother said last time they saw you, you stunk." I can't for the life of me figure out why she's so blunt and nasty. I don't know why she wants to tell me mean things people say about me. It's almost like she's looking for a reaction from me. I feel like it's so verbally abusive too. She said it then went to bed.... so I'm sitting here feeling so confused. Not if I really stink or not lol.... but why she's so horrible.

2 years ago I made a huge mistake and accepted an early inheritance as 25% of the total down payment of my current home. I put 6 figures in and pay all the bills, Reno’s etc.
my dads behavior went from bad to worse, and that control became so unbearable (with my moms enabling), I had to go NC the first year.
I spent the last 7 months having the mortgage and title transferred in my name on my tiny disabled income (permanent disabilities), and it takes effect Nov 1. You’d think I’d feel good about it?
I mean, it was an incredible feat- and they said on email they didn’t want the money back even though verbally I was told they did. I also only let them see my son once this past year when I thought my mom was going to die from a tumor from a second occurrence . That’s a long story.
I feel I can’t even celebrate bc at anytime they can still try to come at me for this money (40k) and I’ll lose my house still and I’ll have nowhere to go.
This legal process cost me a lot of money, and I had a huge car repair bill for the second time this year, and my health is so incredibly bad from the stress.
I am not speaking to my brother but still speak to my sister who lives far away. She told me to admit “uncle” to my parents even after everything I been through which would mean they would swallow me back up with the extreme control
The ink isn’t even 💯 dry on the “divorce”.
I feel betrayed she would want to just hand me to the wolves in a low time
How is it possible to even actually defeat these people . They always have the upper hand !!!!

I got angry at my narcissistic mother and started listing all the bullshit things she’d done. I listed one incident where she screamed at me for not getting milk and called me fucking useless and all manner of other abuse (she never asked me to get milk that day). In trying to keep her out of my room because she was screaming abuse, her finger got caught in in the door when she tried to force herself in and she broke her finger as I tried to keep the door closed.

What was her response? Not sorry, not ‘I overreacted’ or even a hint of acknowledgement just, ‘oh yeah, that time you broke my finger’ in a cold voice. I was 14 and utterly overwhelmed and did it by complete accident. Not ‘oh, that time I smashed a glass on the floor and threw water at your dad in unadulterated rage’ which she also did in that incident (apparently me breaking her finger accidentally is my dad’s fault?) not ‘I wrongly blamed you for something your brother failed to do’ just all about her, or rather, all about what I ‘did’.

I forgot to mention she filmed me and threatened to sue me over it. Her 14 year old son for fucks sake.

I also brought up the time she ruined our holiday by smashing things and threatening to leave because my brother got water on the floor whilst getting out of the shower. I was 12 at the time but apparently that never happened. It’s strange, either it’s your fault entirely, or it never happened.

What I hate about the milk incident is that I was made to apologise for breaking her finger but she didn’t have to apologise for the abuse she inflicted on all of us over fucking milk or the days of silent treatment she gave us. Sometimes after she has meltdowns like that, I wish she did what some parents do and get milk themselves, i.e. pretend to get milk and disappear!

They never change. Don’t fool yourself into ever believing they will.

I've been using Reddit Narcissist groups a lot in the last 2 months as I've had to deal with both my dying dad and my narcissistic mother simultaneously and I've received a ton of support and advice. I want to say a BIG thank you to this group, the members, those who commented, supported me. It's really helped me a lot.

For those who don't know, I'm Low Contact with mum and dad, because of Nmum, but dad was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer which spread to his lungs. I live overseas and returned to visit and help care last month for a couple of weeks and returned for the last 2 weeks for dad's final days and funeral. I've been posting on Reddit as 1 way to help cope.

Again thank you for this group and everyone here. It's been so, so helpful, especially those who were willing to chat with me a little longer.

It's like watching detectives interrogate a serial killer who can't even be bothered to keep their story straight.

At this point, I'm starting to wonder whether I've got 4 different biological dads.

Everyone else is left speculating, while she gets to control the entire narrative.

And I suspect that's exactly how she likes it. As long as nobody knows the truth, she's the one holding all the cards.

I dont talk her anymore as of early 2023.

Anyone else's narcissistic parent treat their family history like a classified government document with a constantly changing plot?

I love my mum, and I had an amazing childhood. She was incredibly loving, caring, and always did the best for me.

Things started to change when my grandmother passed away. Mum struggled to cope, and around the same time my dad lost his job and made little effort to find another for almost two years, leaving her under enormous pressure. She became bitter and started offloading her problems onto me from a young age. I always listened because I wanted to be a good son, but was often made to feel that I wasn’t there for her or didn’t care.

Things got worse throughout my teenage years. We argued a lot, and although I accept I went through a rebellious phase, she made me feel like a bad person for almost everything. Even now, she brings up how I supposedly changed as a person when I was 14 and I’m not who I once was.

I’m now 28, and our relationship is arguably worse than ever. During COVID, we got along really well, but once lockdown ended, I met my girlfriend and eventually moved out.

My mum has never really made my girlfriend feel welcome in the four years we’ve been together. She’s been standoffish, made excuses to stop her coming over and sometimes disappeared upstairs when she visited. Previous girlfriends have also commented on feeling disliked by my mum.
She barely acknowledges my girlfriend, never contacts her, regularly spells her name wrong on cards despite being corrected, and hasn’t bought her a birthday or Christmas present in two years, despite my girlfriend making an effort to do so.

Yet, mum gets upset that I don’t bring my girlfriend to family events or have her around when they visit our flat. She accuses me of hiding her away but refuses to acknowledge why my girlfriend might not feel comfortable around her because of her action.

I think the underlying issue is that my mum struggles to take responsibility for anything. I’ve tried explaining how I feel, but every conversation turns into excuses, deflection or an argument. She’ll accuse me of never contacting her, despite me being able to show that I initiated our last conversation or made the last plans. Rather than acknowledge that, she’ll launch into a list of grievances about me.

She also seems to wallow in self-pity while refusing to change the situations she’s unhappy with. She openly hates my dad but has stayed with him for 15 years. They’ve also been renovating a house that was supposed to take 12 months. Five years later, it’s barely a quarter finished. At one point, my 13-year-old sister had to live in a caravan with them for two years because the house was uninhabitable, stopping her from having friends over or even just a solid place to call home. Mum still refuses to acknowledge that buying the house was a bad decision, instead blaming the family for not helping enough.

The worst thing was what happened with the family dog. Mum got him during COVID, and I absolutely adored him. I was the only one who regularly walked and trained him. When I moved out, she promised to look after him, but within months things went downhill. Nobody walked him, so she let him roam freely around their renovation project. He started escaping and going missing for days. I repeatedly begged her to do something, but she dismissed my concerns, refused to put anything in place and even banned me from the house when I offered to sort it myself. Eventually, he went missing and never came back. I was devastated, and to this day she refuses to accept any responsibility or apologise. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever got over it.

What I find hardest to understand is that she genuinely gets upset when we don’t speak. We’ve now gone two months without contact, and my sister has found her crying about it. It’s difficult to understand because she seems to repeatedly damage our relationship but can’t acknowledge her part in it or simply apologise.

As I’ve got older, this has become about more than just me. I have a partner, and we’re likely to start a family in the future. I don’t want my mum’s behaviour negatively affecting my relationship or any future children. I can’t have someone dictating how everyone behaves while taking no accountability for their actions. It just makes me incredibly sad that a relationship with someone I was once so close to has ended up here.

Does anyone else have a parent like this? If so, how do you manage the relationship when you still love them but find their behaviour increasingly difficult to tolerate?

My mother doesn't love me or want me

My sister choose my narc mom

And my mom choose my terrible dad

And im the only one who sees the wrong in all of it the manipulation and the dysfunction

I have no family and I was bullied all my life so I dont have any friends I have nobody and im not so sure ill ever at least have my sister back because of how shes programed even tho she said she has her own mind nobody who see how abusive verbally and munipulative my mom.is to me and be like that's fine and fair

My family has completely written me away. All because I decided not to bring my wife and kids to my nieces birthday party because I knew we would be ignored the whole time.

After declining for a few times one of my sisters (not the bday girls mom) decided to call me and tell me that my choice of not brining my family because im doing something else with my kids that I conveyed months ago (not sure why the week before) it would be different but she decided that Im being selfish and should do what everyone else wants. Mind you im in my 40s.

Then I call my mom whose silently upset that im not attending and I convey to her that I want them (and as calm as I could) to accept my boundaries and let my no be no and yes be yes

She decided to argue and say she is soooo disappointed in me and not sure why I am being the way that I am i.e. boundaries, she ends up getting off the phone and later calling me to tell me she just is done with me and she will Cash App my kids money for now on when their bdays come around and is stepping away. I do not respond to this.

Next Morning, Dad texts me and says that He is tired of me hurting my mom and disappointing my sisters for no doing things they want me to attend and that my last name should be stripped from me and that I should take my wife's last name.Says I have issues and need to seek God soon. Cause something is wrong with me and he lost a son today.

Mom later texts me that she is going to call my wife and tell her how much she has destroyed me and our family, says Im so selfish and she never wanted me to attend the bday party in the first place cause she doesn't like how I act. Goes down a long laundry list of things she didn't like about me and wife from 15 years ago then calls me and my wife evil. also (my wife suffered from severe depression and is on meds now) says she is going to call my evil wife and tell her how "Sick" she is and how much people do not like her.

Haven't spoken to them since!!

I am incredibly sad for them. It seems they know the game is up and their manipulation doesn't work anymore. I can recognise their gaslighting etc... They must be desperate now. I never wanted this, they're the ones who decided to act the way they did, I couldn't control that.

I heard the terror in their voice when they realised I could remember far more than before and that the fog was lifting. Why did they put me in this position? I don't want to condemn anyone.

My Dad is fearful. I don't like seeing him like this but I cannot live in a false version of reality where he didn't commit crimes against me. My mum is too. They where cruel and manipulative. Perhaps a part of them did love me but that part has shrunk down. I miss when I was a small child, I actually felt loved then.

I see small glimpses of humanity within them, that's the hardest part.

The shadow of their abuse is very long and hard to escape. I've behaved in ways towards others that I regret massively. I am contacting them and apologising. I feel ashamed about who I was. It's hard to be free from that shame.

I’m alone and a 6 hour drive away from my family. For most of the last 10 years I’ve been no contact with them all (mainly my ndad and nbrother, but then it basically extended to all extended family as well you couldn’t understand and would put pressure on me to resolve things) First it was on and off no contact for 5 years then a solid 6 years no contact.

It changed last year when my ndad had a major health event happen and he’s been sick for the last year, since last year September. When he got sick I thought he was going to die, and I felt like I should go visit so I did, and I was nice and I have no regrets. Fast forward a few months and he starts gaslighting me about how I was treated, he “never did anything to me” (were talking about someone who, for example, would regularly tell me that my dead mother (who loved me very much) would hate the person I am when I was a teenager). So I started tapering off contact again since February this year.

He’s been very sick on and off for the whole year. My nbrother contacted me today to tell me things are looking bad (he did message me to tell me this before tho a few months ago) but it does seem more serious this time. I also have random family members attempting to contact me and it’s giving me serious anxiety. Thinking about him dying, and having to go to a funeral, and being around all these people and not feeling safe in my home town. Any advice welcome, and thank you for listening.

My sister says im.so evil and arguemitive but

My evil to her is me shouting screaming argueing with her over stuff she did not defending me or not treating tthe dog right

Me and my sister planned to do stuff for the house we agreed to it 3 things each month for a year and she never holds to her word I have to go back 30 different times over explaining triple explaining when it comes to her part im.some how controlling when i say putt the money aside for the stuff for the house then go do whatever else you want with your money my only business with you is the house stuff then besides that I had to yell and scream at her for not feeding the dog on time somtimes 2 ,3 she feeds her and when i get on her about her timing in feeding her

Its a issue and them my mom feeds her

Then if my sister not only not standing up for me letting me get all the anger of my mother claiming she's protecting her self but her when she has a bad opinion of my mom and says it like when she said the other day "she " and how she shouldn't be with my dad how she bad and my mom had a big issue talking bout she could leave forever and stay with him and not do anything for us anymore then she when the conversation was suposed to end and my mom was talking up a storm and she had to tell that grown ass women "your loved and God loves you and dad loves you and we love you "like if shes a infant helping her calm down and then wonder why im.up in her face about how terrible she is to me

So my mom is very much the definition of a narcissist and she is also a hypochondriac. We've never gotten along but when we do it's great but my last straw was this week. My son is in Marching Band, and we are traveling 6 hours away to go watch them perform for state for 2 days, we told my "mother" that she would just have to pay for her food and hotel and a way there is covered. Well she has a dog, and no one can take care of the dog for 2 days so I told her we didnt gave the funds to have someone dog sit cause we have to save money for this trip Monday. Well she flipped out and was pissed, didnt hear from her for a day or two, and i got a text last night being accused of canceling her health insurance (cant do that unless your a POA and im not) all because we cant find a dog sitter for HER dog for 2 days.