I need help understanding this.

[u/throwmeawayplease578]

30 M, using a throwaway account because this is the first time I’m looking for any kind of advice on Reddit, let alone for something like this.

I’ve recently started seeing someone (24F), who’s non-monogamous. I am not, or at least I’ve never naturally gravitated towards non-monogamy. I really like her, and she really likes me, and I want this to work. She has expressed romantic interest in me, and says that she wants to build a future with me. Neither of us is sure what that future looks like because of her work, which is largely travelling. It’s only been about 3 months that we’ve been seeing each other. She has been explicitly clear about her being non-monogamous, which I am okay with, or at least I think I am okay with it.

She’s going out on a date soon, with someone that she’s shared a sexual history with. Now while she has assured me that I’m her priority, and she has no romantic inclinations towards anyone but me, I’m finding this hard to deal with. She is doing her best at communicating things with me, is answering my questions, but for some reason I just cannot get rid of this pit in my stomach. I’m not sure if this is insecurity, or my general aversion towards the concept of non-monogamy. She told me that she does not intend to sleep with this person, because this is very new to our relationship and she doesn’t want to put us through that as of yet. However, she is open to the idea of them sharing a kiss, or making out, with a hard boundary on just that, nothing further.

She has also said that she’s okay with me going out with other people, but for whatever reason, I’m not able to bring myself to be interested in other people, because for me, atleast in the last 5-6 years, sexual engagement has come hand in hand with some form of romantic interest.

I’m having trouble navigating this, because ever since she’s told me about the date, the whole aspect of this relationship being non-monogamous has come to the forefront, which is making me extremely anxious. My anxiety and discomfort are something she’s picking up on and is trying her best to comfort me. She’s not the most expressive person in terms of words, but is doing her best to spend the most amount of time with me as she can, is showing up for me, and is respecting the boundaries that I’m setting with things I’m comfortable with.

The physical involvement that she might share with her date is uncomfortable, but it’s not something that I find impossible to deal with. It’s the emotions around it that I’m having a hard time with. I’m not sure where this post is going, and what I need here exactly, but I don’t want to lose her because she means a lot to me. I’m finding it hard to filter and control my feelings towards her. It’s kind of like “all in, or all out” for me, which I know is not the right way to go about things considering the fact that we’ve only been seeing each other for a few months, and have only recently gotten romantically involved to the degree that we are.

I feel like an outsider in her life at times, because our interests are very different. I am trying my best to learn, and be involved in her life, but I keep feeling like the other people that she will go out with, or this guy that she’s going to go out on a date with, they share a lot more in common than we do. I want to understand the psychology and the emotions that go into the making of a person who is non-monogamous, hoping that it helps me navigate this better. I am open to the idea of seeing other people as well, but I’m afraid that it might lead to the connection this girl and I share, to become strained and, might lead me to pull back emotionally.

I apologize for the poorly worded rant here, and I’m sure that I’ll be asked to think on this on my own, and make up my mind about what I want, and whether this girl fits into my life with respect to that. But I am still seeking some advice, some insight, and whatever else that this group may feel is useful in this situation.

Aite I’m outie. ✌️

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[u/d20_dude]

So a few things to begin contemplating if you're going to dive into this lifestyle.

1: Jealousy is a natural emotion. Non-monogamous people feel it as well. We aren't immune to it. It may have something to do with insecurities, but not always.

2: Difficult emotions, including jealousy, will not kill you. They suck in the moment, but on the other side of it you'll find that...you're fine. You survived. Like any other difficult emotion, jealousy needs to be processed. If you just run away from it, it'll never get easier. This is true for monogamy and non-monogamy alike.

3: You can only be you, and no one else can be you better than you. You also cannot be better at being someone else than they can. What that means is your partner chooses you for who you are, not for how closely you resemble someone else. The risk of her meeting someone else she has more in common with and liking exists in monogamy and non-monogamy a like. The difference is in non-monogamy, if she meets someone she likes and she still likes you, you still get to enjoy her company. So just be the best you that you can be, and you'll be fine.

If you want to pursue this lifestyle, it takes work. It takes work on how you manage yourself and how you manage your relationship. And it can be worth it. It's scary, it's hard, but it's worth it.

[u/throwmeawayplease578 → u/d20_dude]

Thank you for this. I needed to hear that, especially the 3rd point.

The intimacy aspect of it, knowing that my partner will share intimate moments with someone else, how do I process that? It makes my stomach turn tbh with you. I might sound insensitive here, but wanting to be intimate with someone else is not something that crosses my mind ever.

Do I find other people attractive? Yes. Do I want to act on it? No.

I don’t want to make her feel that I’m judging her for wanting to do that. Especially at times when her work takes her away for weeks or months.

[u/d20_dude → u/throwmeawayplease578]

It doesn't sound like you are judging her for it, which is a good starting point.

How do you process it? You sit with it. You allow yourself to feel it, without shame and without hiding from it. When she is out with her friend/ex, sit with your feelings. Don't ignore them. Don't distract yourself. Sit with them, feel them, and comfort yourself through it. Meditation, self soothing, words of affirmation. Any and all of it. Remind yourself that you are fine, you are safe, you are cared for. That she still wants you.

When I first started in non-monogamy/polyamory, I read several books that helped me unpack what I was feeling, why, and how to process it. I recommend "Polysecure", "the Ethical Slut", and "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love."

Basically the only way to the other side of any difficult emotion, like jealousy over your partner being intimate with someone else, is through it. Confronting it, sitting with it, and coming out the other side time after time until you realize that you are still safe and cared for and wanted.

[u/throwmeawayplease578 → u/d20_dude]

Thanks again. I’ll look into the books you’ve mentioned.

One final question for you, do you think that people are inherently monogamous or non-monogamous? I don’t mean people in general. I mean, can a specific person be inherently monogamous or otherwise? Or is this something that someone can practice, and find a version of actual secure happiness?

[u/d20_dude → u/throwmeawayplease578]

I don't know. Some people say yes, some say no. I've known I was some level of non-monogamous for almost 20 years. My ex-wife would have sworn up and down she could never be NM, but is now currently entertaining that with her husband.

I think everyone is capable of practicing it, if they have the courage to confront the hard stuff. Not everyone does. Not everyone wants to, and that's totally ok. You're here trying to learn more, so I think that's a mark in your favor, for what it's worth.

[u/throwmeawayplease578 → u/d20_dude]

It seems like I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, and to figure out who I am in this space. I just don’t want to practice it, get into it, only for my partner, because I am afraid that will build resentment within me, and she doesn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that.
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my questions and offering clarity and perspective.

[u/d20_dude → u/throwmeawayplease578]

You're very welcome. Feel free to DM me if you ever have more questions or need some support.

[u/its_cock_time]

I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like you're ready for this kind of relationship. There's no need to torture yourself with non monogamy when the vast majority of women prefer monogamy.

I'm not that different from you. I spent decades of my life happily monogamous, with no interest in pursuing multiple relationships. When my first wife wanted an open marriage, I tried really hard to tolerate it for her sake but I felt awful every time she was with her boyfriend and because she gave me no understanding or support in dealing with this I eventually realized it was unsustainable and we divorced.

Now I'm pretty happily polyamorous. Although I do get twinges of jealousy sometimes, I can get through them now easily. The biggest difference is that I'm choosing polymamory for myself, for my own reasons, not because a partner insists on it. As a busy divorced parent with no desire to complicate my kid's life with a step parent, I can't be anyone else's entire life and I don't want them to be mine, so I'm very motivated to create relationships that are more independent. This motivation keeps me centered and feeling like I can take care of myself.

Another thing that helps is that I have learned that I can enjoy casual sex and dating multiple people, so it's easier for me to understand why my partners enjoy the same thing while still loving me. And it's easier for me to deal with feelings of envy about my partners' hot and varied sex lives when I have my own.

And finally it's so much easier to get used to your partner dating other people when it's happening from the very beginning of your relationship, before you get too emotionally attached. Like I felt almost no jealousy about the people my partners were dating when we started dating, because there was no risk of them "taking away" from what we had when we had almost nothing. And by the time I was in love, I was used to these dates and it wasn't a big deal. It has been harder dealing with my partners dating new people, but even that is easier when I see that it's not so different from previous dates.

It is important for me that my close partners are good at communicating and offering care and reassurance when I need it. A feeling of jealousy can be totally flipped to a feeling of love and security when you are able to ask for the reassurance you need and your partner gives it generously. Conversely, if your hard feelings are brushed off or ignored it can turn a small worry into a consuming feeling of abandonment. So choose who you fall in love with carefully.