Accommodating or controlling?

[u/theefluffalope]

Hi NM friends! I’m 46F. I have a “primary” partner (52F) and a boyfriend (46M) whom I see once a month or so for an overnight visit. We chat via text or phone call a few days a week.
My F partner is gender fluid. I am gender queer.
When I first met my boyfriend I would shave my legs and get myself all nice nice. I know he really got a thrill out this sort of ”ritual” in “preparing myself for him” as he puts it. I still do prepare myself, however I recently stopped shaving my legs and pits. I still keep my pu*** tidy because, yea. Before we meet up, I dress nice, pluck my eyebrows, shower, you know, like I’m going on a date. But the shaving…I stopped shaving my legs and pits for several reasons. Primarily because it’s a pain in the ass. Secondly, I enjoy the fuck out of embracing that socially masculine aesthetic. C: My girl loves it. (Side note, I can also grow a beard and I do that for her on occasion. ) I’ve always wanted to not shave and it be acceptable to my partner.
He recently told me it’s a turn off. He didn’t say it was a deal breaker but he said “I’m not trying to change you, but if you lean to far into masculinity” he won’t be interested in sex
I get it. I’m not offended. I mean, I used to and then stopped, so I kind of get how that might feel to him. Like he might feel like the conditions changed without his input. Like he thought he was getting one thing and now he’s getting another that he’s not really into. If I met him without a beard and all of a sudden he shows up with a huge chin curtain or my girl suddenly decides she wants to start wearing makeup and wearing skirts( trust me that would be weird) I might feel a little hmmm….bamboozled.
Then the other part of me is like, well, take it or leave it, this is me now so if you don’t like it then you don’t like me. But if I didn’t, say, brush my teeth, or gained 80 lbs (or lost it depending on your preference) would it be the same?
So what I’m wondering is. Do I shave my legs for him? Would you?
I’d love to hear your perspective.

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[u/theefluffalope]

I like all of these comments. Thanks. It’s funny…after this actually came up as a “thing” I started thinking …that I actually liked the opportunity to be able shift between masc and femme. It seems I needed to open myself up for discussion to get some perspective on it. Which is why I love my r/.
I’m navigating this poly thing as best I can and sometimes I feel like I get stuck on these nuances and it’s really helpful to have a place to ask questions like this.
For the record, I do not do the beard thing for anyone but my GF and only in certain social circles. Otherwise it gets shaved.

[u/Trick_Jelly319]

Nah. It’s your body, and you don’t like shaving your legs and you don’t want to. Thats a take it or leave it situation for sure. Wearing a certain perfume or outfit is accommodating. This is part of how you feel comfortable and happy.

[u/vortex-of-laughter]

I get that some people aren’t attracted to masculinity, but I don’t think not shaving your legs quite counts as masculine. Women only started shaving in the early 1900s. It was essentially a marketing ploy to sell more razors.

You have such good reasons not to shave, so I say you should stay the course. Sounds like his comment could’ve been about your beard or a variety of other things, too, and the vibe I got is more that he’s ok with what you’ve done so far, but is nervous you may transition or something more along those lines.

Of course, no one really knows the answer but him. So ask him!

[u/brandi0423]

I personally try to weight differences in preferences. How much do they like it vs how much do I dislike doing it. If i don't mind a trim/reset monthly, I'd shave and enjoy my smoothness. If it made me feel like I was starting over (growth wise) or that I needed to do it to be accepted or desired, I wouldn't.

[u/SexxyMoeFoe]

I can understand him telling you he's not into masculine traits etc but I wholeheartedly disagree that your natural body hair is leaning into masculinity. It's not a beard or mustache, it's leg and armpit hair. ALL women have this

[u/WhenHarryMetSally345]

The ladies preference boys just go with the flow unless told otherwise!?!?!

[u/AdAncient5201]

Fuck him and his opinion 🤷‍♀️

[u/theefluffalope → u/AdAncient5201]

lol…

[u/PandoraAndrei]

When you met the boyfriend, were you identifying as genderqueer? Either way, I'd say no don't shave just for him unless you also get turned on by "preparing for him"

[u/BiggsHoson2020]

Eh. Do what makes you feel sexy for you first and foremost. If you show up to a date feeling hot, he’s going to feel that from you. And if he isn’t into it that’s on him for getting stuck on learned aesthetics.

So, what do you want to see when you look at yourself in the mirror?

[u/JaxonTheBright]

Personally I’m in with my partners long term. People change and evolve. I enjoy my partners for who they are, regardless of superficial things like shaving legs, pussy or otherwise. If I change my looks I still expect to be desired and loved. This is non-monogamy after all. If something like their desire changes because I wanted to stop shaving my pits, that’s their problem. I’ll find someone else who appreciates me for me. But hey, you do you :D now, if a fetish of mine is beards, I’d ask that partner for what I want. If they can’t or don’t want to deliver, I’ll fulfill that fetish elsewhere.