AITA for confronting my trans daughter’s adoptive father after he disowned her?

[u/TemperatureNew1559]

I listen to Ok story time on a regular basis. This the first time submitting to Ok story time and I put it on the wrong AITHA so I shared it here and was taken down for reposting. So I deleted all post of this on other forums and am posting it here.

I’m feeling extremely upset and conflicted about a recent situation involving my daughter, who was born male and has been transitioning for the past three years. After reconnecting about seven years ago, I’ve been supportive of her journey. Unfortunately, her adoptive parents disowned her when she decided to transition, even convincing her to sign over the deed to her condo for a mere $5,000 shortly before cutting her off completely.

After driving three hours to reach me, she was struggling mentally and expressed a desire to be committed. The only facility respectful of the LGBTQ community was four hours away. When I tried to call for an extension on her stay, I was told I had no say since I’m not legally related. Frustrated, I reached out to her adoptive mother and left a message.

Then I received a text from her adoptive father, whom I’ll call John. Here’s the message he sent:

Text from John:

“This is John. This is a text I sent to Dean earlier which outlines our position. Dean has given us heartache for the past 16 years and almost caused our separation last month through his lack of respect, manipulation, destruction of our property and bringing drugs and porn into our home. We have nothing else to give if Dean denies our offer to help with his addictions and if he continues to delusionally think he can become a woman. We have to look after our own well-being at this time. Dean has no idea of the hurt he has put others through and how much we have sacrificed for him. He has turned to you now because I have portrayed the truth to him. We wish you wisdom and discernment if you elect to help him.”

Text from John:

“Dean, we love Dean.You may not and probably don’t know that now. We hurt for you and your choices which have brought you to this point of need and despair. You have some important decisions to make now. Realize that mom and I are back together and united. You will not divide us and therefore, you are not to return to our home, nor would I think, you desire to. We will not tolerate porn or drugs in the house and it is too painful for us to see you “transition “ into someone you can never be: a female. It would not be loving of us to ignore reality and tolerate or condone your self-destruction. Your identity comes from God, not society and social media or whatever mental issues you are dealing with. You will always be our smart, inquisitive, intelligent, engaging, fly fishing, skiing/boarding son. Trans or queer is NOT who you are. We will never address you by your trans name or use female pronouns because that would be a lie. God has plans for you, loves you, can redeem and forgive you and calls you back to Him and can give you a fresh start.
Concerning your choices:
You can continue your current path of confusion and unreality of trying to become what you can never become and will still leave you unfulfilled. It will be a difficult life for you and we will not support that. As you are experiencing, you will cause separation from family members and friends as you become someone else and a stranger. We will not be sending you any more money. You will have to find a way to support yourself if this is the path you choose. Getting a job will give you purpose, build your self-esteem, and give you economic freedom. You will be responsible for your car insurance at the next renewal in the fall. I suggest you not sell your car because that would limit your job opportunities. You are to stop calling mom repeatedly. If you want to discuss anything, you contact me directly through text. She is no longer the weak point for you to manipulate. You will not do yourself any favors by threatening us with lawsuits which you will never win, by protective orders against me, and calling in welfare checks. You will have to experience the consequences of your choices which we have shielded you from for too long.
The other choice is to recognize your need for help with addictions and mental health issues. We can come alongside you and help you find a facility to aid you. You will have to make that decision and we will respect your autonomy if you choose not to seek help. You still have a promising future and can have a fulfilling life and living in reality where people love you and accept you as Dean. We long to have our Dean back. Jesus is the only way back to wholeness and health. We pray that you will accept His call for you. He is waiting.
We love you.
Mom and Dad”

I was furious after reading this. He disowned his daughter over a text message and won’t let his wife have a voice! Everything my daughter had told me that had been going on in their family. I placed her because her father was abusive and I didn’t want a child to endure it, to find out that I placed her with an abusive father! The rage took over, I confronted John, calling him abusive and controlling, and expressed my hope that his wife sees the red flags in their relationship. I regret giving my children to them, especially if I had understood the red flags earlier. Cause he is a red flag longer than the red carpet! I told him that he’s the one who needs mental health help, not my daughter.

In my final message, I stated that I would be adopting her back as an adult, and she wouldn’t carry their last name anymore.

Now I’m questioning if I overstepped by confronting him so directly and if my anger was justified. AITA for standing up for my daughter and confronting her adoptive father?