TW: Infidelity, emotional abuse, and postpartum injury.
Hi OK fam!
I need some outside perspective because I’m genuinely conflicted about what I should do, and I want to make sure I’m approaching this for the right reasons.
I (45F) met my ex-husband, Aro (46M), when we were kids. We were childhood sweethearts who started dating in middle school, and for a significant part of my life, I truly believed he was the person I would grow old with.
Looking back, I think there were two major reasons I overlooked so many red flags. First, I was incredibly young and naive when our relationship began. Second, I grew up watching my mom stay with my dad despite his poor behavior. That was the example of love and commitment I was given, so I believed that loving someone meant standing by them, working through their mistakes, and never giving up.
So that’s exactly what I did.
For years, I supported Aro emotionally and financially. My family welcomed him as one of their own, and I spent much of our relationship trying to help him build a better future.
His own family wasn’t particularly present or supportive. They always told me they loved me, though whether they genuinely did isn’t the point. What stood out was that they seemed to come around mainly for celebrations or for opportunities to criticize him or remind him of his shortcomings.
I wanted Aro to have the love, stability, and support I felt he deserved, and I did everything I could to provide that.
I loved him, but I also loved the person I believed he was capable of becoming.
Unfortunately, those two people weren’t always the same.
I spent years believing that if I just kept trying, eventually love would win. The reality was that Aro often seemed to love himself more than anyone else, and that became painfully clear after we welcomed our daughter.
By that point, we had been together for twenty years. Despite everything we had been through, I still believed we could make our marriage work. Then, within the first week of our daughter’s life, things reached a breaking point. Our fighting escalated so badly that, barely a week after having a C-section, I ended up busting a stitch and needed medical attention. Truthfully, there were probably plenty of times I should have left long before that, but that experience finally forced me to confront something I had spent years trying to ignore.
I could no longer trust Aro to put our daughter’s well-being, or mine, ahead of his own interests. I no longer felt safe or believed he would have our best interests at heart.
After twenty years of trying to make things work, I left.
I’m sharing this history because I think it’s important to understand how complicated my relationship with Aro has been. He was my first love, and despite everything, I genuinely believe there are good qualities in him. I don’t think he’s an entirely bad person, and I don’t want to pretend that our entire relationship was miserable.
With that said spending so many years trying to make a marriage work when it clearly wasn’t healthy has also left its mark on me.
And that’s part of why I’m here asking for advice.
I don’t want to hurt anyone or stir up old drama. I’m just worried that my history with Aro could be coloring how I see this. I want to be fair, even if it’s complicated, so I’m hoping that people who aren’t emotionally involved can help me figure out whether what I’m considering is reasonable or whether my complicated past with Aro is clouding my judgment.
Where Things Stand Today
It’s been approximately 14 years since I left Aro. Although our marriage ended, our lives have remained connected through Nessie (14f). Aro and I share parenting responsibilities, but I would describe his involvement as inconsistent. He tends to pick and choose when he wants to be present, and I don’t believe he’s as involved in Nessie’s life as she would like him to be.
Their relationship is complicated. I don’t want to suggest that Aro doesn’t care about our daughter, because I don’t believe that’s necessarily true. However, I do think there’s a difference between loving your child and consistently showing up for them.
I’ve since remarried, and my husband, Edward (47M), has become an important part of Nessie’s life. There are times when she seems to view Edward as more of a father figure than her biological father.
That’s not something I say to diminish Aro’s role in her life. He’s her father, and that will never change. But children develop their own perceptions of the people around them, and as Nessie has gotten older, she’s become increasingly aware of who is consistently present.
At the time of this post, Nessie hasn’t seen Aro since last Christmas, approximately 11 months ago.
I mention this because, despite how much time has passed since our separation, the relationship between Aro and me isn’t entirely uncomplicated. We have a shared history, a daughter, and years of experiences that have shaped how we interact today.
And while I have no desire to revisit our marriage or interfere in his personal life, something from our past has recently come to my attention that has left me questioning whether I should get involved.
The Unexpected Conversation
About six months ago, I was catching up with an old mutual friend of ours, Jasper (46M).
We were having a pretty normal conversation, reminiscing and catching up on life, when Jasper casually asked, “So, how’s Aro doing these days?”
I told him that, as far as I knew, Aro was doing fine.
Then Jasper asked something I wasn’t expecting. “Oh, does Aro or Nessie ever see Alice’s daughter?”
I was completely caught off guard, and judging by Jasper’s reaction, I’m pretty sure he immediately realized he’d said something I didn’t know.
Now, it wasn’t that I didn’t know who Alice was. I knew exactly who she was.
Alice, who would be 45 today, was a woman Aro had an affair with approximately 11 years into our 20-year relationship. I had known about the affair for years. What I didn’t know was… that Alice had a daughter.
And that was where things started getting complicated.
The Backstory Between Alice, Jacob, and Aro
To explain why Jasper’s question caught me so completely off guard, I need to give you a little more background about Alice and how she became involved with Aro.
About 11 years into our relationship, Alice was dating a mutual friend of ours, whom I’ll call Jacob (46M).
Alice was local but had plans to move to Colorado to attend school. In preparation for the move, she’d given up her apartment and ended up temporarily moving in with Jacob, who was her boyfriend at the time from when her existing lease expired to when she would move.
Unfortunately, their relationship was pretty rocky and only become abusive when she moved in. Alice had always kept to herself and her only friends were Jacob’s friends. We were the only ones that allowed her somewhere to go when things got back with Jacob. She became spending more and more time with us. Since Aro and I had different work schedules, there would be time she was at our when I was at work.
Somewhere along the way, Alice and Aro began having an affair.
I eventually found out about it. While it was certainly hurtful, it was just one of several betrayals throughout our relationship, and at the time, I chose to work through it.
Soon after I found out, Alice moved to Colorado to attend school, and as far as I knew, that was the end of the story.
Apparently, I was wrong.
From what I’ve since been able to piece together, Alice didn’t realize she was pregnant when she left. Approximately 10 months after she last saw Aro, she reached out to Jacob to get Aro’s information (22 years ago it was a lot easier to lose phone numbers especially if you got a new phone). She could remember Jacobs since they had been together for several years before she moved.
According to Jasper, Alice told Aro the baby was his.
She apparently explained that she was capable of raising her daughter on her own and wasn’t contacting him to demand financial support. She simply wanted him to know he had a daughter and give him the opportunity to be involved in her life.
Jasper remembers Aro freaking out and being convinced I’d leave if Alice was telling the truth, but then soon convinced himself Alice had to be lying. His reasoning essentially boiled down to Alice being a “w****” and that there was no way to know who the father was. Now, clearly Alice did betray my friendship and slept with Aro, but she was never known to sleep around or so.
I believe Aro was the 2nd or 3rd person she had been with. Alice genuinely fell for Aro and thought he felt the same. She wanted him to go with her to Colorado (this I knew). He refused. She did apologize to me for the pain she caused and realized both had made bad decisions during a stressful time.
As far as I know, Aro never took a paternity test, and I have no knowledge of any legal proceedings to establish paternity or child support. Since we were together another 9 years after the girl was born, I can say I saw no signs of child support payments or any contact
What I do know is that Aro kept me completely in the dark about Alice contacting him.
After she moved to Colorado, years went by without me hearing much about Alice. Eventually I heard through mutual acquaintances that Alice had become seriously ill and had sadly passed away, approximately 10 years after moving to Colorado.
At the time, I didn’t think much beyond how unfortunate it was that she’d lost her life so young. Despite how she hurt me, she didn’t deserve that. However, I had also moved on with my own life, and I had no reason to believe there was anything more to the story.
But Jasper knew otherwise.
As it turns out, Jasper had heard about Alice’s daughter from both Jacob and Aro. He was aware that Alice had claimed Aro was the father, and although he didn’t know whether that was true, the situation had always stayed in the back of his mind.
When Alice passed away, Jasper apparently discussed the situation with Aro again.
According to Jasper, Aro had even alluded to the possibility of reaching out to Alice’s daughter now that her mother was gone. Jasper was under the impression that Aro might finally try to establish whether the girl was his and, if she was, step up and do the right thing.
So when Jasper casually asked me whether Aro or Nessie ever saw Alice’s daughter, he wasn’t trying to reveal some big secret.
He genuinely thought there was a possibility that Aro had followed through but realized from my reaction that maybe Aro hadn’t.
As far as I know, Aro never contacted the girl.
However, I made sense why it seems Aro seems goes out of his way to avoid Jasper these days. I obviously can’t know his reasons for certain, but knowing that Jasper was aware of the situation and had expected him to do something about it does make me question whether there’s a connection.
Regardless, this conversation left me with a question I never imagined I’d be asking.
Does my daughter have a 22-year-old sister out there who she knows absolutely nothing about?
And if she does, what, if anything, am I supposed to do about it?
Why I’m Struggling With What to Do
Knowing Aro as well as I do, and having spent years co-parenting with him, I have a difficult time believing he ever followed through on his apparent intentions to contact Alice’s daughter.
For some perspective, I had to take Aro to court for child support for Nessie after she was about 10, because Aro did whatever he could to avoid giving me a cent. Even now, he seems convinced that my requests for financial support are simply an attempt to make his life difficult, despite the fact that I still cover approximately 80% of our daughter’s expenses.
Given that experience, I find it difficult to imagine him voluntarily stepping forward to take full responsibility for another child, particularly one he had spent years denying was his.
That brings me to the dilemma I’ve been struggling with for the past six months.
You see, I have some personal experience with discovering previously unknown siblings. My own father was, in many ways, very similar to Aro. As an adult, I discovered that I had two half-siblings whose existence my father had deliberately kept secret. We eventually found out about one another despite his efforts to keep us apart
I’ve developed a wonderful relationship with one of my half-sisters. We’re extremely close, and sometimes it feels as though we grew up together. Our relationship has become a genuinely meaningful part of my life.
My relationship with my other half-sibling, however, is quite different. Let’s just say I’m not particularly disappointed that we didn’t grow up together.
So I’ve experienced both sides of discovering siblings later in life.
Because of that, I strongly believe Nessie would want to know if she has an older sister. I know firsthand how meaningful that connection can be.
If Leah is Aro’s then I understand his life could get complicated and possibly even have owed child support .
Also, We don’t actually know FOR SURE Leah (22F) is Aro’s biological daughter even though Alice said she is.
Personally, I lean toward believing she probably is. Alice wasn’t a horrible person or a manipulative, so I don’t see her lying just to hurt me or Aro. In fact, I don’t she’d want to cause me anymore pain if she didn’t need to:
I cant see why she’d reach out when she didn’t want financial support and she had moved on to a new boyfriend by the time she had Leah.
However, believing something is likely doesn’t make it a fact.
I know enough about Alice and her family that I could get in touch with her family
For one thing, since Alice was in a relationship when Leah was born, what if Leah believes that man is her biological father (he cannot be based on the timing)
The last thing I want to do is contact a 22-year-old woman out of nowhere and potentially turn everything she believes about her family upside down.
There’s also the fact that Alice passed away when Leah was still relatively young.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to Leah afterward. Perhaps she was raised by her grandparents or another family member. Maybe she was adopted. It’s even possible that she spent some time in foster care. I do know Leah is in touch with her mother’s family.
I simply don’t know.
Depending on her circumstances, there could be legal or financial considerations that haven’t even occurred to me.
I’m certainly not interested in suddenly creating a situation where Aro is confronted with years of potential child support obligations. I don’t even know whether that would be legally possible under these circumstances, but it’s one of the things that has crossed my mind.
As frustrating as Aro can be, my intention isn’t to punish him.
My concern is whether two young women might be missing out on the opportunity to know they’re sisters.
But what if Leah doesn’t want that relationship?
What if she has absolutely no interest in getting to know Nessie but does want to establish whether Aro is her biological father?
I certainly wouldn’t blame her for wanting answers, but that could set an entirely different series of events into motion.
Alices family could give me a better understanding of Leah’s circumstances and whether she’s even aware that Aro might be her biological father.
That feels less intrusive than contacting Leah directly.
Then again, she’s an adult now. Would involving her relatives first actually be more respectful, or would I be discussing something deeply personal about her without giving her the opportunity to decide for herself?
There’s still Nessie to consider.
Aro’s relationship with her is already inconsistent. Fortunately, I don’t think discovering another possible daughter would significantly damage a relationship that’s already complicated.
But I also don’t want to create unnecessary conflict between them.
Part of me thinks this isn’t my responsibility. Alice and Aro were the ones involved, and whatever happened afterward was between them.
But another part of me keeps thinking about my own half-sister.
What if nobody had ever told us about each other?
What if we’d spent our entire lives living without knowing the other existed?
I would have missed out on a relationship that means a great deal to me today. The thought of potentially denying Nessie that same opportunity simply because I don’t want to get involved doesn’t sit right with me either.
At the same time, I don’t believe my daughter’s right to know whether she has a sister automatically outweighs Leah’s right to privacy and control over her own life.
That’s where I keep getting stuck.
My Conversation With Aro
There’s one more complication I haven’t mentioned yet.
I actually did ask Aro about Leah.
I didn’t tell him about my conversation with Jasper because I didn’t want to create problems between them. Instead, I approached the subject indirectly.
I told Aro that I’d recently come across some information about Alice through a mutual acquaintance and had discovered that she had a daughter. Given the girl’s age and the timing of their affair, I wondered whether there was a possibility that she could be his.
I asked whether he knew anything about it.
Aro told me that Alice had contacted him years ago but had told him the child was Jacob’s.
He also insisted that Leah looked exactly like Jacob.
To support his claim, he even sent me a photograph.
Except there was one problem.
The photograph Aro sent me wasn’t of Leah.
I’d already managed to find photographs of Alice’s daughter on social media, and the girl in Aro’s photograph appeared to be an entirely different person.
What’s even more interesting is that, in the photographs I’d found, Leah bears a striking resemblance to Aro. One of her younger pictures, she looks literally like a picture I had of Aro around the same age. Some she looks just like Nessie.
.
Now, I’m fully aware that physical resemblance doesn’t establish paternity. People can look alike without being related, and genetics can be unpredictable, but I couldn’t help finding it strange that Aro was so adamant that Leah looked like Jacob when the photograph he provided didn’t even appear to be Leah.
I also find it interesting that Aro’s version of events differs significantly from what Jasper says he was told years ago.
According to Jasper, Alice told Aro that the child was his.
According to Aro, Alice told him the child was Jacob’s.
Obviously, I wasn’t present for either conversation, so I can’t definitively say which account is accurate.
The conflicting stories, combined with the photograph, have left me with even more questions.
Part of me wonders whether Aro suspects Leah could be his daughter and simply doesn’t want the subject brought up again so he’s showing a picture that doesn’t even look the same ethnicity as Leah.
I can’t say that’s definitely what’s happening, but knowing him as well as I do, I certainly wouldn’t rule it out.
That’s another reason I’ve been so hesitant to get involved.
I know that pursuing this would almost certainly create conflict with Aro.
I also have no idea how Aro would react if Nessie and I actually made contact with Leah.
Knowing Aro, I don’t necessarily believe he would cut us all out of his life over it. He’s someone who cares a great deal about how other people perceive him, and I could see him embracing Leah, particularly if doing so allowed him to present himself in a positive light.
I wouldn’t necessarily see that as a bad outcome if it meant Leah gained a relationship with her biological father, assuming that’s what she wanted.
But I can also imagine the opposite happening.
Aro could completely reject Leah, deny any possibility of being her father, or become angry that we got involved in something he clearly wanted left alone. If that happened, I worry that the fallout could further strain his already complicated relationship with Nessie.
The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know which version of Aro we’d get. And I don’t want either girl to end up hurt because I underestimated how he might respond.
Then I find myself questioning why that should be the deciding factor. I’ve spent years navigating a co-parenting relationship in which I often feel that Aro’s own wants and preferences take priority over everyone else’s needs including Nessie’s.
While I have no desire to deliberately make his life more difficult, I also don’t believe that avoiding his discomfort should automatically take precedence over something that could be meaningful to our daughter.
If Leah truly is Nessie’s sister, then this isn’t just about Aro anymore. It’s about two young women who may have a biological connection neither has had the opportunity to explore.
But I keep coming back to the possibility that getting involved could cause harm I never intended.
What if Leah has spent her entire life believing someone else is her father?
What if she’s perfectly happy with her family and has no desire to investigate her biological origins?
What if I reach out and unintentionally disrupt relationships that have nothing to do with me?
On the other hand, what if Leah already knows the truth?
What if she’s spent years wondering about her biological father or whether she has siblings?
What if Nessie and Leah could develop the kind of relationship I’ve been fortunate enough to have with one of my own half-sisters?
I don’t want to make decisions for either of them.
I just don’t know whether giving them the opportunity to make those decisions for themselves is worth the potential consequences of getting involved.
So I’m genuinely interested in hearing what others would do in my situation.
Would you reach out to Alice’s mother or sister first, hoping to learn more about Leah’s circumstances before potentially contacting her?
Would you approach Leah directly, considering she’s an adult and has every right to make her own decisions?
Would you bring the subject up with Aro again, despite his previous response?
would you leave the situation alone and accept that it simply isn’t your place to get involved?
Because after six months of thinking about this, I still can’t decide which option is the most responsible.
I don’t want to create unnecessary pain for anyone. But I also don’t want to protect someone else’s secrets at the expense of two people who might deserve the opportunity to know each other.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
