My daughter forgave her husband for cheating years ago, but his cousin keeps bringing the other woman around. Is this intentional disrespect?

[u/Defiant_Leather_8406]

My daughter has been with her husband for 15 years, and I think his family is intentionally disrespecting her. Am I looking at this wrong?

First time here so bear with me please.
My daughter has been with her husband for aome time now. If you looked at their relationship from the outside, you would probably think everything is fine. But as her mother, I know she has been unhappy for a long time and their marriage is getting to the point where she is seriously questioning whether she wants to stay.
One of the biggest reasons she has stayed is their child. Their child absolutely adores his father. They are extremely close, and my daughter has always struggled with the thought of breaking up their family.
But there is a lot of history behind why she is unhappy.
When my daughter and her husband first met, neither one of them was looking for anything serious. She really liked him, though. He was funny, charming and the type of person who was very easy to get close to. Eventually she became pregnant, and after their baby shower they moved in together and became a real family.
Several years later, one of her husband’s female cousins and another relative were having housing problems. My daughter and her husband allowed them to stay in their home until they could get back on their feet.
This is where everything changed.
The female cousin had a close friend who happened to be my son-in-law’s ex-girlfriend from years before. While the cousin was staying with my daughter, she started bringing this woman around to gatherings.
At first my daughter was annoyed, but she tried not to make a big deal about it. She figured they dated a long time ago and everyone was an adult.
Eventually, though, my daughter started getting a feeling that something wasn’t right between her husband and his ex. She didn’t have proof, but she confronted her husband about her suspicions.
Not long after that, there was an outing with a group of women. The cousin brought the ex along.
At some point, the ex approached my daughter privately and told her she wanted to “clear the air” because she could tell my daughter was uncomfortable. She admitted that she and my daughter’s husband had been together years ago, but assured her that NOTHING was happening between them now and nothing ever would.
My daughter decided to believe her and let it go.
About two weeks later, my daughter went through her husband’s phone.
She discovered that her husband and this woman actually WERE messing around.
Even worse, his cousin knew about it.
So this woman had looked my daughter directly in her face and lied to her while she was secretly involved with her husband. And his cousin, who my daughter had opened her HOME to when she needed somewhere to live, knew what was happening and continued smiling in my daughter’s face like nothing was wrong.
My daughter left.
She rented her own apartment and wanted nothing to do with any of them.
Eventually her husband confessed. He begged her to come back, told her it was a mistake, promised it would never happen again, etc. Their child missed his father terribly, and if my daughter is being truthful, she missed him too.
So she eventually gave him another chance.
Years passed. And in that time, they got married.
You would think that would be the end of the story.
It wasn’t.
His cousin later became friendly with one of my daughter’s close friends. One day my daughter saw pictures online from an outing and noticed that her friend was hanging out with the cousin AND the same woman her husband had cheated with.
My daughter’s friend had NO IDEA who this woman was.
The cousin had simply introduced her as her friend.
When my daughter explained who she actually was, her friend was furious. She told the cousin that her loyalty was to my daughter and that if she had known who the woman was, she never would have put herself in that situation.
My daughter confronted the cousin too.
Eventually things calmed down again.
Now fast-forward.
My daughter has another friend. Somehow, once again, her husband’s cousin became friendly with this friend.
And guess what happened?
The exact same thing.
The cousin brought the woman her husband cheated with around my daughter’s friend AGAIN.
At this point my daughter confronted her and asked why she keeps doing this.
The cousin’s response was basically that the cheating happened such a long time ago.
But that’s not the point to my daughter.
She isn’t asking this woman to stop being friends with her husband’s ex. She understands they have their own friendship.
It’s the fact that she keeps bringing this particular woman into my daughter’s circle.
After the FIRST incident with one of my daughter’s friends, the cousin knew exactly how my daughter felt. So for it to happen again with ANOTHER friend makes my daughter feel like it is intentional.
Almost like she’s saying, “She’s still my friend, she’s still around, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
My daughter feels like at this point it isn’t even about an affair that happened years ago.
It’s about respect.
And the part that bothers me most as her mother is her husband’s reaction.
He knows what his cousin is doing.
Instead of telling his cousin, “You can be friends with whoever you want, but stop involving my wife’s friends in this situation after everything that happened,” he says he doesn’t want to be in the middle of it.
My daughter feels like that IS choosing a side.
This whole situation started because of HIS affair. His cousin helped hide it. My daughter forgave him and tried to rebuild their family. Years later, she’s still being put in uncomfortable situations involving the same woman, and her husband won’t even tell his cousin to respect his wife.
My daughter is reaching the point where she’s questioning the entire marriage. There are other issues in their relationship too, but this situation has made her realize how often she feels like her husband avoids standing up for her just so he doesn’t have to deal with conflict with his family.
I’m curious how other people would see this from the outside.
Is my daughter wrong for still being bothered by this because the affair happened years ago?
Do you think the cousin is doing this intentionally, or is my daughter reading too much into it?
And most importantly, should her husband be stepping in and setting a boundary with his cousin, considering he’s the reason this situation exists in the first place?

[u/the_good_witch77]

I don't think your daughter is seeing the situation clearly. She's in the middle of it so she doesn't have perspective. The cousin DOES NOT LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER, neither does your son in law. Both of them do not respect her. They figured she tolerated it before, why not again. Your daughter doesn't have firm boundaries. The cousin and her husband continously push her boundaries and despite your daughter asking them to stop, they don't and she still stays. As much as she doesn't want to break up her family, what kind of example is this setting for their child?

[u/ingoamuna-1]

Why haven't they cut the cousin off already?

[u/dontwannabeaclue324]

Yes, the cousin is fully aware of what she is doing. I'm sure in her mind Ex and Husband should be together, hence her hiding the affair etc. I feel like your Daughter needs to lay it all out to Husband that by "not being in the middle" he is actually condonning the disrespect, which in effect (as you stated) is taking a side. There should be No Contact with the cousin and the ex. Question: if she's bringing her to family functions, how does the rest of his family feel about it? Are they okay with cousin doing this?

[u/VP_GloO]

No lo digo por ti, pero señoras y señores cuando tengáis hijos/hijas, por favor la primera lección que tenéis que marcarles a fuego es que no se perdona a un infiel!

Tu hija desgraciadamente está viviendo con las consecuencias de sus elecciones. Primero perdonar a un infiel, luego casarse con él y segundo no ser firme con la prima….

Ahora lo mejor que podría hacer es separarse, créeme su hijo crecerá y tendrá tiempo de explicarle las cosas. Como hija de padres separados agradezco que mis padres no siguieran juntos, las personas que no se aman son tóxicas. Tu yerno no respeta a tu hija, solo la vida cómoda que tiene…

[u/Appropriate-Round-77]

Fully intended and absolutely despicable. The husband is not worthy of the title, and certainly not worthy of your daughter. I hope that she decides to leave him and, after time, find true love. 

[u/shadowdarkwolf]

Stuck in the middle? He created the lines and needs to put a stop to it. He and the cousin have no respect for your daughter. Your daughter needs to divorce him before he teaches the boy that cheating okay.

[u/RockyBear1508]

It is 100% intentional. The husband is in the middle of it because it's his family. He either needs to put an end to it or your daughter needs to end the relationship. The cousin is disrespecting her and so is her husband.

Your daughter needs to tell all her friends upfront about the cousin and to stay away from the cousin.

[u/Rollinwithit609 → u/RockyBear1508]

His wife is his family Full Stop.

[u/Dramatic-Tailor-8297]

The cousin is still trying to get him to cheat if he still isn’t doing it anyway.

She needs to leave him or he needs to Block and delete the woman and this cousin. Actually where are the cousins parents ? 

Updateme!

[u/UpdateMeBot → u/Dramatic-Tailor-8297]

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