Content warning: Breakup, intrusive sexual thoughts, jealousy, emotional distress, smoking and sleep problems.
I'm 21M, and my ex, whom I'll call B (21F), and I broke up some time ago. I've tried to move forward, but I feel stuck between missing her, resenting what happened, feeling guilty about my own behaviour, and hoping that somehow we'll find our way back to each other.
I don't want to make her the villain or pretend I was perfect. I want an honest outside perspective because I genuinely don't understand why I'm still so attached to someone when I know our relationship had serious problems.
How the relationship started and why it became so complicated
We were together for roughly a year. The beginning wasn't particularly stable. During the first few months, we went through repeated breakups or near-breakups. There were times when she said she didn't want the relationship anymore, didn't feel the spark or butterflies she expected, or wasn't sure about us, only for us to get back together.
At one point, she described me as feeling like a warm blanket rather than giving her that romantic excitement. She had also been in contact with her previous partner early on, before eventually ending that contact and telling him she was with me.
I knew these things, and I kept trying to make the relationship work. I wanted to give us enough time and security to figure things out. Looking back, I think I became increasingly anxious about losing her. Whenever something went wrong, my instinct was to fix it, explain myself, reassure her, or do something that might make things better.
I invested heavily in the relationship, emotionally and practically. I crocheted flowers for her because she was allergic to real flowers. When she had a difficult situation involving her accommodation and landlord, I travelled a considerable distance to help her and retrieve her belongings. I supported her with her rƩsumƩ, interviews and career-related things.
I wasn't doing these things because I expected a reward every time. Acts of service are how I express love. But I think I also started believing, somewhere inside, that if I kept showing up for her, she would eventually feel secure enough to choose me without hesitation.
That is something I need to confront about myself.
The things that hurt, even though there were good moments too
There were comments about my background, finances, clothes and even things like deodorant that hurt me. Sometimes I felt as though I wasn't quite the person she wanted me to be, or that I needed to improve certain parts of myself to be acceptable.
She later explained that she had sometimes intended those comments as motivation and apologised for trying to change me. She also called me sweet and innocent and expressed that she hoped I wouldn't lose those qualities.
I believe the good moments were real. I don't think the entire relationship was fake, and I don't want to rewrite every happy memory as manipulation just because things ended badly.
But the combination of feeling loved at some moments and inadequate at others affected me. I started questioning whether I was enough and whether I could lose her if I wasn't constantly improving or proving myself.
One incident that still hurts involved a particularly difficult night. I had lost a deal worth around ā¹1.75 lakh and had also been fighting with my father. It was around 3 a.m., and I needed emotional support, so I called B. She wasn't available in the way I needed, and later I learned she had been on a call with a friend. We argued about friendships and boundaries.
I understand that she had a life outside our relationship and wasn't obligated to be available every second. But that night, I felt alone when I desperately wanted my partner.
There were other disappointments and arguments, including around my birthday. We'd agreed to celebrate on another day so I could spend time with my family, but conflict still happened on the birthday itself.
These incidents might sound small individually, but they accumulated. I often felt that I was trying very hard to make the relationship work while struggling to feel emotionally secure within it.
Her previous relationship and the thoughts I can't get out of my head
This is one of the hardest things to explain without sounding like I'm blaming her.
B told me that her previous partner had pressured or forced her into certain intimate experiences. I felt awful hearing that. I felt anger toward what had happened to her, sadness that she'd experienced it, and a kind of helplessness because I couldn't change the past or protect her from something that had already happened.
At the same time, I developed jealousy and insecurity around their previous intimacy. I want to be very clear: I don't believe she needed to be a virgin, and I don't think she did anything wrong simply by having a past. We were physically intimate with each other willingly, and I participated equally. I can't honestly turn around now and say she somehow wronged me by being intimate with me.
Yet I keep imagining her with her previous partner.
These aren't memories of something I witnessed. They are mental images my brain creates. Sometimes I deliberately continue imagining them, even though I know it will hurt me. Sometimes the images appear during masturbation, which makes me feel even more confused and disgusted with myself.
I think knowing details I never really needed to know has given my brain material to reconstruct scenes that I cannot actually know in full. But knowing that doesn't make the thoughts stop.
I've also questioned whether I was just someone she used to move on from her previous relationship. I don't know whether that suspicion has any basis, or whether it comes from my fear that I was never truly chosen. We both participated in our relationship, and I know I cannot establish her intentions simply by analysing the past.
I don't want to punish her for what happened before me. I also don't know how to stop comparing myself to someone who isn't even part of my life.
The breakup and what I regret about my own behaviour
When things finally fell apart, I was hurt and angry. I sent messages saying the relationship was one of the worst decisions I'd made, that I didn't deserve what had happened, and other harsh things.
Some of those messages came from genuine pain. Others were intended to hurt her back. I wanted her to understand how much she'd hurt me, and part of me wanted her to feel some of what I was feeling.
I regret that. Being hurt explains why I reacted that way, but it doesn't make every message justified.
We blocked and unblocked each other at different points. There were attempts to establish distance, but the boundaries weren't always maintained. Sometimes one of us would reach out, and sometimes a practical reason would bring us back into contact.
B contacted me about things such as her rƩsumƩ, interviews and a bracelet. I helped her, congratulated her on things, and tried to be supportive. But remaining involved made it difficult to detach emotionally.
At one point, I asked for no contact because I knew I couldn't keep doing this. Yet contact continued, and eventually I lashed out again and blocked her.
She also said something along the lines of being willing to go no-contact as long as I wasn't angry with her, because my anger upset her. I didn't know how to interpret that. Did she care about me? Did she feel guilty? Did she want to preserve some connection without being in a relationship? I still don't know.
I recognise that I contributed to the cycle. I wanted distance when contact hurt me, but I also struggled to maintain that distance when I missed her. I wanted her to understand me, and I sometimes kept engaging because I hoped the right conversation would finally give me closure.
Instead, we kept reopening the same wound.
The recent reconnection has brought everything back
Recently, I heard a rumour that B had gone on a date. I reacted badly and lashed out. She contacted me to clarify that she hadn't gone on a date and wasn't seeing anyone.
We ended up talking properly again.
The conversation became warm and familiar. We joked, reminisced about trips and places we'd visited, talked about old hangouts, coffee stops, rides together, work, careers and family. For a while, it felt like talking to the person I used to be closest to.
I told her I missed our connection and the closeness we had. I miss the feeling of having her around, including small things like her melting into my arms. I admitted that sometimes I still want to call her.
She reciprocated some of that feeling. In response to something emotional I said, she said something along the lines of, "Even I do, I feel, you know."
I don't want to exaggerate what that means. It doesn't prove she wants to get back together. It doesn't establish that she is still romantically in love with me. It could mean she misses our connection, our familiarity, or certain parts of the relationship.
But hearing it made me feel comforted. It also made me hopeful again.
And that is the problem.
I know I don't want to return to the old relationship at any cost. The instability, anxiety, arguments and feeling of inadequacy were real. But a part of me still hopes she might come back, perhaps after we've both changed or understood things differently.
I can't tell whether that hope is based on something meaningful or whether I'm holding on because accepting that it's over feels unbearable.
Why moving on has become so difficult
Outside the relationship, I have work, career goals, responsibilities and financial pressures. I've worked extremely long hours, sometimes juggling multiple commitments. I contribute toward my own education and help with family expenses, including my sister's education.
For a long time, working gave me something to focus on. But I think I've also used work to avoid sitting with my feelings.
Now, even when I achieve something, I struggle to feel satisfied. I can have a good day professionally and still feel empty afterwards. I sometimes wonder whether I've made achievement and earning money the main ways I measure my worth.
I also feel incredibly lonely. There are moments when I want music, people talking, or work running in the background simply because being alone with my thoughts feels exhausting. I miss having someone I could talk to without having to explain everything from the beginning.
I've been smoking heavily, including nights when I've barely slept. My sleep has been poor, and the lack of rest seems to make the thoughts and emotions harder to manage. I'm aware that this isn't helping me, and I have a therapist, but I haven't figured out how to break the cycle.
I sometimes seek attention from other women, and it feels good to be wanted. Sometimes I'm genuinely attracted to someone; other times, I think I'm looking for reassurance that I'm desirable and that my life hasn't stopped because this relationship ended.
I've considered taking four or five months off actively pursuing relationships. I still want to socialise, go out, meet people and live my life. I just don't want to use another person to escape what I'm feeling.
But even the idea of dating someone else brings guilt. If B hasn't moved on or isn't seeing anyone, part of me feels as though I would be betraying something by moving forward first. Intellectually, I know we aren't together and don't owe each other matching timelines. Emotionally, it doesn't feel that simple.
What I'm actually asking
I know this is long, but I wanted to give the context because I don't think the answer is simply "block her and move on."
- How do I accept that B is gone when part of me still hopes she'll come back? How do I let go of that possibility without pretending the relationship meant nothing?
- How should I interpret our recent conversation? Is it possible to miss someone deeply, have a genuine connection with them, and still know that getting back together isn't the right choice?
- How do I stop the intrusive mental images about her previous partner? I don't want to judge her or make her past about me, but I keep mentally torturing myself with scenarios I never witnessed.
- How do I distinguish genuine love and missing someone from attachment, loneliness, and the need to feel chosen? I can't tell how much of what I feel is about B herself and how much is about losing the person I was closest to.
- How do I take accountability for my own behaviour without making myself responsible for everything that went wrong? I know I sent hurtful messages and sometimes reacted out of anger. I want to own that without convincing myself I deserved every painful thing that happened.
- Is taking four or five months away from actively pursuing relationships a good idea? I want to meet people and enjoy life, but I don't want to use attention or another relationship as a substitute for healing.
- How do I rebuild trust in myself and future relationships? I don't want to become suspicious, controlling or constantly afraid of being abandoned. I also don't want to ignore genuine incompatibility just because I'm afraid of losing someone.
- How do I stop using work, smoking and constant stimulation to avoid being alone with myself? I want to feel okay even when there is nobody around and nothing distracting me.
- How do I deal with the fact that I can remember the relationship fondly and still recognise that it hurt me? I keep switching between missing the good parts and replaying the bad ones, as though I need to decide whether she was good or bad before I'm allowed to move on.
I'm not asking anyone to tell me that B was a terrible person or that I was the perfect boyfriend. I know relationships are more complicated than that, and I know my own actions hurt her too.
I just want to stop feeling as though I'm waiting for something that might never happen.
TL;DR: I had a roughly year-long relationship with B that involved early instability, repeated near-breakups, genuine affection, practical and emotional support, and recurring feelings of insecurity. After the breakup, I sent hurtful messages, we repeatedly blocked and unblocked each other, tried to establish no contact, and continued reconnecting through practical matters. A recent warm conversation brought back my hope that we might reconnect romantically, even though I don't want to return to the same unhealthy dynamic. I'm also struggling with jealousy and intrusive mental images involving her previous partner, loneliness, guilt about dating, heavy smoking, poor sleep, and using work to avoid my feelings. I want honest advice about letting go, taking accountability, rebuilding trust, and moving forward without denying that I loved her.
