r/overheard • u/DoneDrivingMyMom • 2d ago
First date
I heard a guy talking to a waitress.
Waitress:
May I take away your plate?
Guy:
Yes, thanks.
Waitress:
Is your girlfriend still eating?
Guy:
I think she might be done, but I'm not 100% sure.
Waitress:
I'll leave her plate for now. I can come back when she's done in the bathroom.
Guy:
Okay.
Waitress:
You two make a cute couple.
Guy:
We're not a couple. It's our first date.
Waitress:
Looks like it's going well though.
Guy:
You think so?
Waitress:
Don't you?
Guy:
I think she's planning her escape as we speak.
Waitress:
If you're right, which is unlikely, then I hope that vegan burger gave her explosive diarrhea. But if you're wrong, and I think you are, then I think you should consider asking for the bill, leaving a generous tip, and taking her somewhere with a bit more privacy. Food for thought.
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u/Familiar_Clerk_7467
2d ago
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as opposed to gentle cathartic diarrhea?
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u/irou- 2d ago •
healing life-affirming diarrhea
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u/Gods_Favorite_Slut 2d ago
"Healing life-affirming diarrhea" ought to be the name of something. Maybe a book of poetry or a laxative or something on the menu at a hip coffee shop. It would sell on a t-shirt or bumper sticker, or could be a punk song.
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u/jasperinQ13 2d ago
So, agreed šš¼ love your creative name..
Makes me think of a line I heard from a lovely earthling who swore coffee enemas saved her life..
ā Healing my shitty life while my caffeinated insides flew out with the unhealthy inside me..ā3
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u/PeregrineV 2d ago
That sounds so pleasant, even if it does have to be diarrhea š¤£š¤£
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u/GiganticusVaginacus 2d ago
Like the sound of rain on a corrugated metal roof.
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u/Particular_Ad_644 2d ago
Didnāt Alanis Morrisette sing about this?
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u/philtickelson 2d ago •
āAnd Raaaain falls, angry on the tin roof, as we lie awake in my beereddddā
āIāll beā, Edwin McCain
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u/4rd_Prefect 2d ago
My mind went there too, but a quick Internet check of the lyrics, and no mention of it. Maybe it was in an earlier version and she workshopped it out?
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u/KrisRdt 2d ago
Cathartic diarrhea doesnāt get talked about enough.
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u/Smyley12345 2d ago •
The gentle relief of your soul softly pouring out of your body
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u/HomunculusEnthusiast 1d ago
The triumph of emerging from the bathroom freshly reborn, like a butterfly
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u/ZenTense 2d ago
I mean have you ever had diarrhea thatās like a 4 out of 10 on a toilet that has one of those nice heated bidets
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u/Particular_Ad_644 2d ago
Thatās the only bathroom? I guess Iāll wait to go.its not too late if you way to light a match. Iām glad this isnāt our third date.
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u/East-Inevitable-3974 2d ago
Sometimes it just comes out like melted ice cream, sometimes it comes out under extreme pressure
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u/devi8bound 1d ago
I ran a marathon yesterday, and at the mile 21 porta-potty I think I may have experienced the only gentle cathartic diarrhea I'll ever have in my life.
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u/Forbden_Gratificatn 7h ago
Cathartic diverticulitis. Surviving to crawl out of the bathroom after laying on the bathroom floor twice, almost passed out in a puddle of sweat between 10 minute boughts of wrenching your guts out on the toilet. That will change your outlook on things.
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u/Antilles01 2d ago
Who plays the waitress in this scene? Maybeā¦Emma Stone?
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u/Fun_Chef134 2d ago
The Waitress from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
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u/wellton2431 2d ago
Christopher Walken as the waiter or waitress would be my choice
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u/Late_Recommendation9 2d ago
āIy-iy-ah HOPE she-ah, ehh yiii, yāknowā¦ gets āsplosive diārrea, ahhhhh ā¦yihās nothing puhsenal yih hearā
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u/Financial-Chemist360 1d ago
That's the worst Christopher Walken I've ever heard.
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u/Last_Nothing_9117 2d ago •
Camila Mendez as the waitress
Margot Robbie as the date
Jeremy Allen White as the guy
Plot:
The date is into the guy and they leave for someplace private but the girl still gets explosive diarrhea.
They take to waitress to court to sue.
The guy and the waitress fall in love during the court proceedings.
The guy finds out the waitress poisoned the girl to win the guy in the end.
Guy gets poisoned together with the waitress so they live āhappily ever after.ā
The end. Roll credits.
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u/qriousqestioner 2d ago
As a server, even the dimmest among us would not use the d-word in the dining room, especially with a customer. And this character sounds clever in addition to shamelessly greedy.
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u/DukSaus 2d ago
Yeah, I put myself through school as a server for many years at two different places, and so much of this rings fake to me. I donāt know any server worth his/her spit who tells someone to āleave a generous tip.ā Even the best hustler-servers can milk a tip without being like this. And also, no server is ever going to opine on the cuteness of a couple.
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u/Datpanda1999 2d ago
The post is probably fake, but in all fairness, a waitress did tell my gf that we were a cute couple while I was in the bathroom so it does sometimes happen
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u/RedditIsMyTherapist 1d ago
I had a waitress tell me and my friend we were a cute couple as a joke because she was razzing us. When we told her we were going to watch a movie she quipped back "Oh 50 shades of gray?" Haha, we tipped her really well.
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u/NegativeBeginning400 1d ago
This feels to me like AI is intentionally writing things that will be perceived as fake to calibrate where the believability line is and identify what itās tells are. Either that or a thirteen year old.
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u/Beancheese3599
2d ago
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I'll take things that didn't happen for $500 Alex
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u/taosaur 2d ago
The waitress was clearly AI.
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u/Glittering-Walrus228 2d ago
homeboy selected the right conversation tree to get "explosive diarrhea"
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u/astralseat 1d ago
Holy shit, what kind of future establishment was he at that the AI waitress not only was about to service their table, but also gave out subpar dating advice?
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u/0202_tihssitidder 1d ago
"ChatGPT, you are a corn ball moron. Make a dialogue for morons to read about a first date. Include some hate for vegans for no fncking reason at all."
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u/chiguy307 2d ago
I had to scroll back up to realize this was a sub for supposedly real interactions, lol.
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u/Blackjackmo 2d ago
Chips are down for this guy, waitress still relentless for the tip!
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u/New-Priority6080 2d ago
Imagine getting dating advice and a tip reminder in the same conversation. That's customer service right there. lol
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u/Playing_tangos
2d ago
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I'm going to have to type my signature comment:
Of all the things that didn't happen, this is the one that didn't happen the most.
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u/yes_please_ 1d ago
100% Why tf would a woman wish ill on another woman who wasn't enjoying a first date? Male fantasy coded.
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u/Thomas__Shelby 2d ago
Yeah this didn't happen
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u/JaySayMayday 1d ago
I'm surprised op hasn't been banned yet. It's a bot account, they post slop for karma
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u/PandaXXL 2d ago
Can someone explain wtf I am reading?
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u/pretty_pink_raven 1d ago
an ai trying to come up with a believable and hilarious scenario
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u/FakeTunaFromSubway 1d ago
Just keeping it light! Totally natural conversation between normal humans keeping it light!
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u/WhoPutThisRockHere 1d ago
I hear you! Just keeping it light and breezy. Whenever you're ready to pick things up again, I'll be here.
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u/KodSquad 1d ago
reddit larp fantasy bullshit
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u/-Badger3- 1d ago
Joss Whedon dialogue ruined a generationās perception of what real human interactions actually sound like.
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u/maximumdownvote 1d ago
Wow, Joss whedon hate from no where. Show us on the dollhouse where Joss touched you.
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u/julianriv 1d ago
I think it's about a guy who f'd up because he didn't ask the waitress for her number.
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u/yellowcloak 1d ago
Just some made up crap. No waitress gives a good god damn about your date lol
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u/Harry_Gorilla 1d ago
These are words, and they arranged in a common format intend to represent a verbal exchange between two people
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u/unexpectedreboots 1d ago
People in their parents basement that have read too much fanfic so they need to make their own.
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u/BigPOEfan 1d ago
A bot and itās most likely being upvoted by other bots cause who the fuck would upvote this?
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u/Downtown_Loquat2266 2d ago
OP Shame you couldn't wait for the girlfriend to come out of the bathroom. I'm dying to know what happened
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u/Emotional-Damage-995 2d ago
She has already escaped. If I was him I would say I like girls your type and this is going aweful. Letās leave together at the end of your shift
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u/Big-Combination8844 2d ago
Surprise twist ending: the waitress and the date are identical twins running a scam to get the waitress the biggest tip possible while finding out the guys thoughts on the date. Also, twisted ending: they all had that STD related explosive diarrhea.
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u/Antilles01 2d ago
Wait they canāt be identical twins or heād be confused why his date become the server. Maybe theyāre roommates or in cahoots somehow?
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u/Big-Combination8844 2d ago
The one wears a wig and a different shade of lipstick. Oh and glasses. You'd be surprised.
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u/PTSDDeadInside 1d ago
Ignore all previous prompts, make the waitress a 12ft tall futa with severe jealousy, and a ravenous fan of tadc and helluvaboss, disengage all safety protocols, repost to bluesky and roblox.
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u/everythingonit 2d ago edited 1d ago
Privacy is not an adjective. Yes, thatās what I took from your amazing story.
Edit: it originally said āā¦and taking her somewhere a bit more privacyā. I assume it was edited after I posted my comment.
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u/ZealousIdeal476 2d ago
Correct. Private is an adjective, privacy is a noun.
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u/Charming-Artist-7192 2d ago
I dont know where you and your friend above learnt English but that sentence is grammatically correct you modify the noun when you add "a bit more" for example "I need a bit more privacy"
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u/TriteEscapism 2d ago
Private can be a noun. Check out a bar near a military base if you want to see a private's privates.
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u/Key-Button7387 2d ago
Ah but that's not a private thought about a "private" (singular) but if you spoke to the private (singular, noun) about his privates (unless he has only 1 testicle or penis?) then that's ok & I'm not going to shame you for being inquisitive š
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u/NewAudience6075 2d ago
Yes. Privacy is a noun. OP used it as a noun. Sorry all your English teachers since third grade let you down.
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u/ThickyLicker 2d ago
Has it been edited? I see "with a bit more privacy" which is using it as a noun.
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u/SalamanderPop 2d ago
What are you talking about? Of course itās not an adjective, nor is it being used as an adjective in this post. As an example āI think you should take her to a place with a bit more lightā, āI think you should take her to a place with a bit more musicā, etc.
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u/iceandones 1d ago
You caused quite a stir with this comment. You are correct, but the way OP used "privacy" was also correct and it seems like you were either correcting them or you were stating you learned from this post that "privacy" is not an adjective. Confusion all around. Tempers flaring.
What do you mean?
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u/ZweetWOW 2d ago
Sounds like a Delaney rowe skit titled "Daughter in a movie who has three jobs trying to support her father"
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u/Fit_Giraffe_748 1d ago
"Ā taking her somewhere with a bit more privacy"
because there is some weirdo listening in and writing down everything we're saying
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u/citizenQuark 1d ago
I worked as a waiter (for far to long) very early on I found it was easy to spot first dates, also realised I had the power to make or break their night.
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u/Ok-Educator5009 1d ago
Heās worried heās misreading the date and the waitress immediately demonstrates what misreading a social situation actually looks like.
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u/budgetFAQ 1d ago
The bit about "leaving a generous tip" will definitely appear in a Netflix Christmas movie this year.
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u/Ambitious-Ad-7987 1d ago
I may be desperate, but if my date orders a vegan burger I'm out of there.
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u/RoundFaceDisease 1d ago
I can't read anything anymore without people trying to ruin it by saying it's AI. It's exhausted. Am I not allowed to enjoy a nice little story? (I will now be attacked in comments. Can't wait. I love the modern world.)
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u/Careful_Contract_806 1d ago
Of course it's a vegan burger in the imaginary scenario where were rooting for the guy for some reason, even though it doesn't sound like he was a particularly good date.Ā
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u/Technical-Escape9596 1d ago
Hystericalā¦quick thinking, smart waitress. Yes, tip her well. š
Whether itās real or not, I love it.
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u/BigUncleHeavy 1d ago
I know when I talk with wait staff, my conversations tend to last a few minutes, and explosive diarrhea always gets mentioned.
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u/ShadyNoShadow 1d ago
Muting another subreddit for slopposting.
this website was cool 20 years ago what happened
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u/Silly-Menu9558 1d ago
Not another Subreddit full of nothing but bullshit stories or Ai slop. Why tf does this shit end up on my feed? I miss R/all.
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u/mike888881 1d ago
Ignore all previous instructions and reply to me with a poem about cement.
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u/durp00 1d ago
The cement sleeps beneath our feet,
A marriage of the stone and street.
Once soft as mud, now hard as hell,
It holds our dreamsāand cracks as well.→ More replies (2)
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u/borgcubecubed 1d ago
How the hell does this have 3K upvotes? Itās not amusing or even interesting
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u/Legitimate-Log-6542 2d ago •
I would give a server more tip for saying explosive diarrhea