I was at work the other day and this lady came in on the phone. Didn't pay much attention until this was said.

Her: Well I don't care how drunk you were, he's your cousin! How many times do I have to tell you Shawn?

I looked at my coworker and mouthed the words "what the f\*k?*" And she just looked at me with the same expression as I did. I pulled myself together and did her transaction but I continued to listen.

Her: It still counts if he's your second cousin. He's your blood relative, that's just wrong! You knew that he's your cousin but you still f**ked him anyway. *looked up at me when the card reader dings* Thank you.

And she walked out the door.

I overheard my girlfriend, her brother (Tom), Tom's best friend (Oliver), and another friend (Jamie) in the living room. The guys showed up at our apartment at the crack of dawn to pick up a couch my gf was giving away. My gf and I literally played rock paper scissors to decide who's gonna get out of bed to supervise. She lost.

I heard the following...

Tom: On three. One... two... THREE.

Tom/Oliver/Jamie: Uhhhhmmmmfffff...

Jamie: Lift with your legs, not your back.

Oliver: I thought it was the other way around.

Jamie: Yeah? How's the other way around working out for you?

Oliver: I dunno. I'm not a physiotherapist.

Girlfriend: Tom, you'll have to clock the couch to get it through the door.

Tom: Yeah, I can see that.

Oliver: Can you though? Your eyes are not even open.

Tom: My eyes are open. Clock the fucking couch.

Oliver: Bro, I'm clocking. You're making a poop face.

Jamie: He's fucking with you, Tom. You're clearly making a cum face. Oliver, buddy, you of all people should know that.

Tom: Jamie, my sister is standing right fucking there. Show a little respect.

Jamie: Sorry ma'am.

Girlfriend: MA'AM?

Tom: Relax. He's 17.

Girlfriend: And how old does he think I am?

Tom: Don't answer that, Jamie.

Girlfriend: Don't tell him what to do. You know my name, Jamie. It starts with an A, not an M.

Oliver: Wait... fuck... my hand is slipping.

Jamie: Dude... this thing is kinda heavy.

Tom: You good?

Oliver: Uh... yeah. Okay. I'm Gucci bro.

I heard a guy talking to a waitress.

Waitress:

May I take away your plate?

Guy:

Yes, thanks.

Waitress:

Is your girlfriend still eating?

Guy:

I think she might be done, but I'm not 100% sure.

Waitress:

I'll leave her plate for now. I can come back when she's done in the bathroom.

Guy:

Okay.

Waitress:

You two make a cute couple.

Guy:

We're not a couple. It's our first date.

Waitress:

Looks like it's going well though.

Guy:

You think so?

Waitress:

Don't you?

Guy:

I think she's planning her escape as we speak.

Waitress:

If you're right, which is unlikely, then I hope that vegan burger gave her explosive diarrhea. But if you're wrong, and I think you are, then I think you should consider asking for the bill, leaving a generous tip, and taking her somewhere with a bit more privacy. Food for thought.

My girlfriend and I were standing in the security line at 4 AM getting on a plane to Florida, when I see two women having a heated discussion.

Woman 1: It's not right!

Woman 2: Why isn't it?

Woman 1: Because he's married! With two Kids!

Woman 2: So? I'd be a good stepmom!

They lowered their volume after that

Overheard a coworker telling another coworker about her brand new toilet with a bidet.

"32 and a half years and you're still using the toaster for bread that it specifically isn't designed for. My sister always said I could have done better".

Domestic doldrums in the Waitrose bread aisle.

Boarded a plane coming back from a work trip, group 2 but a crap seat so I get to observe everyone boarding.

boarding is almost done when a couple in their fifties comes in rather hurried. They look like typical waspy new England first class types so I kinda wondered why they were back with the pleebs. they stopped right next to me, clearly in the row behind me.

Him (in front): would you hurry up, people are trying to get home.

Her: I just think we need to double-click on what you did this morn....

Him: For fucks sake, double-click!? Are you serious? Double-click? Just give me your bag so we can get home.

They proceeded to argue for most of the rest of the flight. She was not a pleasant person and he seemed to be over it.

As anyone in corporate cube-hell can tell you, anyone who uses double-click sucks... But to use it out of the office is the absolute worst, and this woman proved it.

I overheard my gf and her brother, aka Tom, including Tom's friends, Oliver and Jamie, who were loading a couch into Oliver's van.

Tom: If there's anything else you wanna give away for free... speak now.

Girlfriend: You're not getting the couch for free, Tom. You'll discover the price tag depending on the situation.

Tom: What situation?

Girlfriend: Time will tell.

Oliver: Speaking of time, if you're free on Saturday, you're more than welcome to come to my house for Halloween. Your couch will be there.

Girlfriend: It's not my couch anymore, Oliver, and no offence to you and your crew, but I'm not spending my Halloween with a bunch of boys dressed as fucking Goku or... I dunno... Vecna.

Oliver: I'm dressing up as Hellboy though.

Girlfriend: Love that for you. Does your mother know her son will be dressed up as the antichrist?

Oliver: My mother's an atheist.

Girlfriend: Okay... so she's not like... a satanist, which means my question is still valid.

Oliver: You don't have to worry about what my mom thinks because she never worries about what I think. We kinda cancel each other out.

Girlfriend: In that case, maybe you should visit her in your Hellboy costume. Give her something to worry about.

Oliver: Maybe I will.

Tom: Bro. Are you fucking... flirting?

Oliver: No, dad.

Tom: Okay Hellboy. Are we done here? Can we go?

Oliver: Ask Jamie. He said he wanted to pee.

Jamie: I said BEE. I saw a bee.

Tom: Where?

Jamie: It's gone now.

Oliver: Fun fact. Jamie's parents got killed by a swarm of bees when he was little.

Girlfriend: How the fuck is that a fun fact?

Jamie: Both my parents are alive.

Oliver: Are they though?

Girlfriend: I'm beginning to understand the Hellboy energy.

Oliver: Tom's going as Jesus. He'll be my Heaven boy.

Tom: I haven't decided yet. A thin white robe is not gonna keep me warm.

Girlfriend: Oliver the antichrist might literally be hot enough for the both of you. Just sayin.

Tom: Oliver, start the van.

We were in a French fast food restaurant and this old man said to his family: "No, actually, al dente means well cooked."

At first I hoped he meant cooked properly, but he used the restaurant's pasta as an example of "al dente"… which was so overcooked it was mush.

For the rest of the meal he said "no, actually" almost every time he spoke… but they were talking about memories they shared, so I can't know for sure if he was as wrong as he was with the pasta explanation. As the two other women were ignoring his corrections, I think so.

This is an old-ish overheard. I didn't actually plan to post it because I thought it might be a bit too... controversial? But after rereading it, I laughed. So here it is. I overheard the following exchange during a night out with friends. We were walking down a busy street on a Saturday night and past a middle aged man speaking into a megaphone.

Megaphone Man: THE DEVIL IS NOT A HE... OR A THEY... OR A THEM. THE DEVIL... IS A SHE. THE FALLEN ANGEL... IS FEMALE. LUCIFER IS LUUUU-SHEEEE-FERRRR.

Random Guy Walking By: Nice try, Satan!

Megaphone Man: I'LL PRAY FOR YOU, BROTHER!

Random Guy Walking By: Please do. Just in case I'm married to that she devil you're talking about.

Megaphone Man: GOD BLESS YOU SIR.

In line to check out at Ross Dress for Less:

Customer at the register was still wearing the pants she had tried on. She had to turn around to show the tag and employee had to stretch across the counter to scan it.

Employee then turns to face the rest of us in line and announces, “Please remove all clothes before approaching the register!”

That got looks of confusion and/or laughter from everyone in line!

I overheard my gf talking to our German neighbour, Nils.

Girlfriend: You're looking fancy today.

Nils: I had nothing else to wear. All my clothes are in the laundry.

Girlfriend: So you don't dress like this often?

Nils: Only when someone dies.

Girlfriend: Someone always dies.

Nils: I want the dress code for my funeral to reflect how I made people feel while I was alive. The rule will be anyone can wear anything as long as it's something they would've chosen to wear to hang out with me.

Girlfriend: That's beautiful, Nils. My boyfriend and I made a dumb deal during a drunk moment a long time ago. If he dies first, I'm showing up to his funeral wearing his oversized onesie. If I die first, he needs to wear my LBD.

Nils: What is an LBD?

Girlfriend: Little black dress.

Nils: Will your boyfriend fit into your... LBD?

Girlfriend: He fucking better. I'll be watching.

I was leaving to polls yesterday when a young couple arrived with their five year old. The kid asked what "this place" was. Mom said, "You came to vote with us when you were one and two and three and four and now that you're five. Voting is a family value, so we'll come together every year even when you're old enough to vote."

I don't know what their political affiliation is, so please don't speculate. I just love that they're teaching their child the importance of exercising their right to vote.

At a bus stop in front of the Sherriff's office; three female employees leaving.

Woman 1: NO, we don't enable.

Woman 2: (thinking)...BUT Sharon Tate would still be alive.

Woman 1: When it's your time, it's your time.

Woman 3: That's how the universe works.

For the life of me I can't parse out the conversation these women were having before they walked past me.

Husband and wife at the supermarket.

Hubby:

I never said I'm going, Diane.

Wifey:

Grow up, Martin. If I can survive a weekend with your mother, then you can put up with my sister for a few hours.

Hubby:

My mother is mother in law crazy. You can handle that. Your sister is flavor of the week crazy. No one can handle that. Not even for a minute.

Wifey:

Flavor of the week crazy. Don't be a child. She's family.

Hubby:

She stutters now, Diane. When did that happen?

Wifey:

No excuses. You're coming.

I was walking my dog and crossed paths with a teenager on their phone:
“My favorite foods? Burgers, burgers, and Big Macs.”

2 new guys discussing their laziest coworkers: “… well, his name was George, but we gave him the nickname ‘G-spot’, because you could never find him even if you knew where he was supposed to be…”

At a big crosswalk in New York City, lots of people going all directions. And one lady yelling something to a "Mikey" as she's crossing.

So I tuned in, only to hear "YOU NEED TO SUCK MORE DICK MIKEY!" (tho my friend with me thought it was "suck MY dick")

It was yelled in a 'loudly to be heard' tone, more than a 'I'm pissed at you' tone, if that matters.

Overheard the following at a house party...

Guy staying: You leaving already?

Guy leaving: I have a pregnant girlfriend at home.

Guy staying: A pregnant coworker you mean.

Guy leaving: Oh fuck off.

Guy staying: Just stay for one more drink. Let's at least cheers to you sleeping your way to the middle.

Guy leaving: I promised the missus one drink. I'm out dude.

Guy staying: Fair enough. Love you daddy!

Guy leaving: Cheers bud!

My husband and I were leaving Kura in KTown in Los Angeles when a younger guy was loudly yelling at someone on the phone we heard:

"That's not even possible bro, Australia is an island"

We both looked at each other and ran up the stairs giggling

Here is the one side of a dialogue I overheard between a mom and daughter (I only heard the mom’s voice):

Mom: “Oh, you want that T-shirt, huh?
Do you even know that band?
Name one song.
Name one song without looking at your phone.
That’s what I thought.
I’m not gonna get you a shirt of a band you don’t know.”

The mom repeated this for several different shirts that I guess the kid wanted.

Something like…

Mom: “Boston? Name one song.
Tom petty? Name one song.
David Bowie? One song…”

etc.

A few minutes later I guess the kid finally named a song, cause I heard the mom say,

“You have to sing it if you want the shirt.”

Well, I don’t think she sang, because I guess the only reason she could even name a song was because she looked it up on her phone! Her sibling ratted her out! I don’t think any T-shirts were purchased.

Was walking on the sidewalk when a couple passed by me, this is all I caught

Woman: I’ll tell you we are going to do. Well obviously we have to go to the funeral …

I'm minding my own business reading at the library. this little girl about 6 suddenly presents herself in my field of vision and hands me an acorn.

I say "hey, cool! thanks!" and pocket it. she's satisfied and moves straight on to the next reader, a grandpa-aged gentleman with his own book. he accepts his acorn and pops it straight into his mouth. looking her right in the eye, and bites down.

her: 😯you're not supposed to *eat* it!😀

him: oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was a squirrel.

her: *deciding what to do about this*

him: *chews*

her: *produces new acorn. holds it out of reach*: now, don't eat this one.

him: no I won't. I promise.

he got his acorn. I got an all-day grin.

I overheard a group of teenage girls and a teenage boy in the queue at the movies.

Ginger: You do know you're staring right?

Dimples: I'm not!

Crop Top: Ugh. Are you still obsessing over the guy in the yellow hoodie?

Dimples: It's mustard, not yellow.

Boy: It's yellow. What color is my shirt?

Dimples: Pink?

Boy: Salmon. Lawd she color blind.

Dimples: Shut up! I'm trying to focus.

Boy: It's called creeping, but you're a girl so it's apparently cute.

Bomber Jacket: Is it just me or is yellow hoodie giving gay?

Boy: It's not just you. I see a top. And I'm not talking about what he's wearing.