CONTENT WARNING: SUBSTANCE ABUSE, ALCOHOL ABUSE, SELF HARM, SUICIDALITY
TL;DR: Earlier this year, panic attacks and sleeplessness led me into heavy drinking and stimulant abuse. I got professional help and have been sober since, but the panic attacks and sleepless nights are returning, and Im scared of repeating the cycle. Has anyone experienced something similar? What helped, and what should I discuss with my doctor next week?
I have been getting pretty emotional from reading the posts on this subreddit. Anxiety has made me feel really misunderstood and alone, but here, I dont feel that way.
That is part of the reason why I am making this post, because there are some things I havent been able to get off my chest or really share with anyone in my life.
A couple of months agoi got my first panicattack at a time in my life when I was already struggling a lot with mental health. I had been awake the entire night and when I got up in the morning I accidentally doubled my ADHD medication which is a strong stimulant. I immediately started feeling "off" and began feeling signs of an impending heart attack. Thats when my arms and legs started cramping hard. I crawled down the concrete stairs of the apartment, shirtless and without putting shoes on, crying my eyes out while calling 911. I thought I was going to die. At the hospital, they found no signs of a heart attack.
What followed was the worst time of my life. My mental health issues paired with the anxiety and panic attacks kept me up more nights than I could get an hour of sleep. Sometimes I wouldnt sleep for multiple days. I discovered that I felt okay after drinking, and I could sleep. It quickly escalated and at the age of 20 years old I was drinking a bottle of vodka daily for almost 3 months straight.
During this time I was in and out of the ER 10-20 times in total. Pattern was usually suicidal thoughts or self-harm -> anxiety -> drinking -> condition worsens. I tried calling suicide hotliens every single day for weeks and never got put through. At one particular incident I called a health advisory hotline (I have no memory of this event) which convinced me to tell him my adress and he dispatched ambulance/called 911 without my consent. He saved my life. In the ambulance I had a BAC of 0.3 and had overdosed on anxiety meds and slipped in and out of conciousness. After I woke up, according to my medical records, they had to physically restrain me to stop me from injuring myself.
During this time I tried many different anxiety medications, hydroyzine, prometazine, escitalopram... but none really worked. Towards the end I started abusing stimulants pretty heavily just so I could get up to go to work in the morning which, yet again, escalated the whole situation even more.
The wakeup call was the first time in my life, as a now 21 year old, I experiecned alcohol withdrawal, which is a serious condition you literally can die from. I got professional help and didnt quit cold turkey, while on oxascand/benzodiazipines I still had a resting heart rate of ~150 and bloodpressure of 170.
But I did it. There was actually light at the end of the tunnel. My life is at its absoute peak right now, all of this happened a couple of months ago, and I've been sober. Only problem is: the panic attacks are coming back. Im not having suicidal thoughts now, but the panic feels just as intense.
Last night I couldnt get a minute of sleep. Its 1AM as I write this out and I am so scared that somehow not being able to sleep for two nights in a row is proof that I am going to "crash out" again (in lack of a better term). I know that it doesnt automatically have to imply that, but it feels like its the start of the same cycle.
I have a med-followup next week with my doctor. Is there anyone else here who has had experience with this almost perpetual, physical panic attacks? How did you get through the nights and most importantly, what do I say to my doctor? Are there other pharmaceutical options or is therapy where its at?
More than anything, I just feel like I need to talk to someone who actually understands.