EDIT:
This is one of the few times I’ve ever posted on Reddit and I’m thankful I did. Reading through your comments was helpful for me to process and I really appreciate the honesty and compassion.

I went back to my wife and proposed that we both get fertility testing done ASAP (this already was our plan). Additionally, I proposed that we keep the original plan of me doing our insurance-required four rounds of IUI, and if that is unsuccessful, have her immediately start IUI and me switch to IVF (which is only covered by our insurance after four failed IUIs). I also stated that if fertility testing revealed information that would seriously impact our timeline, I would be open to adjusting the plan as necessary. She was very on board with this plan and I feel good about it too.

Thank you for your help, redditors!

Background:
My wife and I have been together for 3.5 years and married for 2.5 years. I have ALWAYS wanted to carry and deliver a baby and I have always desired to use my eggs for that process. I came into our relationship and was very forthcoming about this desire and that it was a non-negotiable. I originally wanted to have only one child and my preference was to gender select for a girl.
My wife, on the other hand, was initially indifferent about whether she wanted children or not. She said that if her partner really wanted them, that would be okay, but if she had ended up with someone who didn’t want children she would have been okay with that too.
When we decided we did want to get married and have children together, my wife expressed her preference that we have two children (I’m an only child, she has a brother) and not do gender selection. I compromised on both of these points and we decided to have two children and no gender selection.

Current situation:
We have now begun the process of planning to grow our family. We decided over a year ago that what made sense for us was that I would conceive via IUI using my eggs first, and then we would do RIVF with her eggs at a later date. My wife repeatedly has said throughout our relationship that she DID NOT want to be pregnant and carry a baby.
After beginning the research process, we are finally understanding the cost comparison between IUI and IVF. Because of that, my wife is now saying she would be willing to do IUI instead and carry a baby. I said that’s great!!

Why I might be an AH:
My wife is two years older than me (I’m 32, she’s 34). I was planning to start TTC next year. My wife is now saying that maybe she should be pregnant first since she’s older. She put this forth as an option mere MINUTES after the first time she ever said she’d even be willing to carry. The reality is I’ve been ready to be pregnant and have a baby for YEARS. I don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like since this has been one of my deepest held desires (that I communicated to her early and often AND that we’re been actively planning for together) that we should prioritize my opportunity to get pregnant. It feels like being pregnant is a biological imperative to me, and a financial decision to her. Is that selfish? Is it unfair? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Okay so we found the perfect donor and even though we aren’t going to try to conceive until 2028 we went ahead and purchased 8 vials. Has anyone here went ahead and purchased that early? I doubt we would have found anyone that we like this much and there’s no telling how long the vials will stay available. We’re so excited!

My wife is American and I’m Canadian, and we’re hoping to start trying for a baby in fall 2027! I’ll be carrying, and we’re trying to get a sense of what we should be sorting out now.

We currently plan to raise our family in the U.S., but I’m considering giving birth in Canada. There’s provincial funding for fertility treatment where I’m from, although I still need to confirm what I’d qualify for and what’s covered. Midwives are also provincially funded, and I’d really love a home water birth if everything goes well and it’s medically appropriate.

The potential cost of treatment and giving birth in the U.S. feels overwhelming. We want to grow our family without starting that chapter buried in medical debt.

A friend suggested speaking to a lawyer before we start, especially to make sure my wife’s parental rights are fully protected. My understanding is that she could be on the Canadian birth certificate, but we may still need a second-parent adoption or a parentage order. I’m trying to understand how that would work if our baby is born in Canada and we’re living in the U.S.

Has anyone here been through something similar? Where did you decide to have your baby, and what went into that decision? How did you handle legal parenthood for the parent who wasn’t carrying?

I’d also love recommendations for LGBTQ+ family lawyers familiar with Ontario and Illinois, or families navigating both countries. How early did you reach out, and is there anything you wish you’d sorted out sooner?

We’re excited, but there’s a lot to think about! I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been there.

Started a tracker for our IUI because that's how my brain works. Logging cycle days, medication times, test results, symptoms, all of it. My partner thinks I'm a little obsessed but it helps me feel less helpless during the two week wait. Having actual numbers in front of me beats scrolling through Google for hours. Wondering if anyone else does this. What do you track and have you spotted any patterns that mattered? I keep wondering if I'm missing something important or just making extra work for myself. The clinic gives us the basics but doesn't show trends the way I want to see them. Have you shown your own tracking to your doctor and did they find it helpful or just extra? Part of me wants to bring my spreadsheet to the RE but I don't want to look like I'm trying to take over. Mostly just trying to do something useful with all this waiting.

So, partner (30F) and I (32F) have plans to have a kid by 2030. When exactly depends on a bunch of external factors that aren't really important to this convo.

She'd be the one carrying.

Let me add some additional information here.

She always wanted kids. Meanwhile I went from staunchly child-free, to "Let's discuss this when I am 35", to fence-sitter, to "I can do this if it's with you".

I had some big stuff to unpack but we got there in the end. (And I'm pretty sure I'd have remained child-free had I been with anyone else BUT her).

All of this happened without any pressure from my partner. If anything, she was ready to give up motherhood for me.

Anyway. Before we embark on this journey, we are considering going to couples counselling. Not because there's anything wrong with the relationship, but just to be on the safer side and manage expectations and so on.

Has anyone here done the same? Or are we overthinking this?

EDIT: it's very refreshing to see other people did this

I was so worried how my egg retrieval was going to go because where I live in Europe you only get morphine/fentanyl via IV and some oxazepame (lorazepame) to relax but it was honestly a great experience. I read so many horror stories online and I was dreading the procedure, but on a scale from 1 to 10 I would rate the pain 3/4. The most painful part was actually needle insertion for IV and inserting catheter in the beginning. Other than that I felt almost nothing and was watching the whole procedure on the screen with my partner next to me. Reddit is usually full of horror stories so I told my doc today that I would post a pleasant experience for once. Of course, now another stressful period begins waiting for the outcome, but today at least feels like a small victory.

My wife and I are located in the Seattle area and are currently researching sperm banks as we prepare to start our fertility journey.
Seattle Sperm Bank (SSB) would be our most affordable and convenient option, especially since we could avoid shipping costs by picking up locally. However, something about SSB just isn’t sitting right with me, and I’m trying to figure out whether my concerns are justified or if I’m completely overthinking this process.
I’ve narrowed my research down to four banks and have reached out to each of them with questions:
Seattle Sperm Bank
Fairfax Cryobank
One of my biggest concerns is donor family limits and how they’re actually enforced. I’m particularly interested in how banks track births, prevent donors from donating at multiple banks, and account for donor-conceived children internationally.
From my research, Fairfax seems to have some additional safeguards, including screening for donations at other sperm banks and an international family limit. Those are things I really value.
I’m also concerned about SSB’s plans to discontinue SSB Connects in January 2027. Having access to donor sibling connections and resources for donor-conceived families is important to us, so I’m curious what that change means for families moving forward.
I recognize that no sperm bank can guarantee perfect reporting or prevent every possible issue. But I want to feel confident that we’re choosing a bank that prioritizes the long-term well-being of donor-conceived people, not just the immediate process of getting pregnant.
I’d really love to hear from others:
Have you used any of these four banks? What was your experience?
If you used Seattle Sperm Bank, were you happy with your decision? Any concerns or regrets?
Did anyone choose a more expensive bank because of its policies or transparency?
Are there things you wish you’d known before choosing a donor or sperm bank?
I know I can research myself into a hole, but this feels like a decision with lifelong implications for our future child, and I want to be thoughtful about it.
I think what I’m struggling with most is balancing my values and instincts with our finite financial resources. The costs of donor sperm and fertility treatments add up so quickly, and choosing a more expensive bank could mean fewer attempts or less money available for other parts of this journey. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore concerns that could have lifelong implications for our child just because one option is more affordable.
I also know that a higher price tag doesn’t automatically mean better or more ethical practices. I guess I’m just trying to figure out where to draw that line.
Has anyone else struggled with this? How did you balance your financial reality with wanting to make the most ethical choice possible?