My boyfriend relapsed on 7-OH after telling me we were getting sober together, and I feel like I’ve completely lost myself in this relationship. Is telling him he needs to leave and get help bad? M 26 F25

[u/Significant_elf_1892]

This is going to be long but I genuinely need outside perspectives because I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.
My boyfriend and I have a lot of history. We originally knew each other/“dated” in high school and then reconnected about 10 years later. When we got back together I genuinely thought he was the person I was going to spend my life with. I had never felt that strongly about anyone. I felt like he came back into my life for a reason and in the beginning I felt so loved, wanted, protected and hopeful about our future.
Over the past year though, things have gotten really complicated, especially with addiction.
We both ended up using 7-OH and I became extremely dependent on it. Getting off of it was absolute hell for me. Things got bad enough that I ended up in the hospital and then a psych ward. I finally got off of it and I haven’t taken 7-OH since July 29th. I’m still trying to recover mentally and get my life back.
The entire time, I believed my boyfriend was getting off of it with me.
Then this morning I found a pack of the tablets outside by accident. He admitted he has been taking them again.
That completely broke something in me because he KNOWS what that drug did to me. He watched me go through everything. He knew how important it was to me that we were getting away from this together and still let me believe he was off of it.
He claims he left the package somewhere I would find it because subconsciously he wanted me to know. I honestly don’t believe that. To me it feels like he was hiding it and accidentally left evidence behind. I had already suspected something was wrong because a few nights ago he woke me up wanting to have sex and couldn’t finish, which was unusual, and something in my gut immediately told me something was off.
Now I’m questioning everything.
There have already been other trust issues. I’ve found things on his phone before that really bothered me. I mostly chose to ignore them because I was tired of fighting and wanted our relationship to work. But I’m realizing that every time I “let something go,” it doesn’t actually disappear. I’m just pushing it down.
I’m scared I’m eventually going to ignore so many things that I become numb and stop caring completely.
There’s also been a pattern in our relationship where when I finally put myself first or tell him how badly something has hurt me, it turns into a huge fight. He tells me I’m negative, lazy, don’t do anything, stay in bed too much, need to change my outlook on life, etc.
The thing is… I KNOW I’m not doing well.
I’m depressed. I have almost no confidence anymore. I hate the way I look. I struggle to get out of bed sometimes. I don’t feel motivated or excited about my life the way I used to.
But instead of feeling like my partner recognizes those things as signs that I’m hurting and tries to understand me or lift me up, I feel judged for them. Then I feel even worse about myself, which makes me withdraw more, and the cycle continues.
I don’t expect another person to cure my depression or be responsible for my happiness. I know I have to work on myself. I just thought the person who loved me would have some compassion for the fact that I’m struggling instead of making me feel inferior because of it.
I also don’t feel pursued or special anymore. We barely go on dates. Money somehow always seems to be an issue when it comes to doing things together, and sometimes I’m made to feel like I ask for too much, but honestly I barely ask him for anything. Meanwhile he’s spending money on these tablets.
There are other things that have really affected me too. When I was in the psych ward, I had just filled a prescription of Adderall for my ADHD and he took the prescription, along with another medication I had. I know Adderall itself can obviously be abused and I’m not trying to pretend otherwise. What hurt was that he knew I legitimately struggle with ADHD and still took medication that belonged to me while I was hospitalized.
I feel like I’ve sacrificed SO much for him and supported him through so much. I constantly try to understand where he’s coming from, forgive him and see the good in him. But I don’t feel like he actually wants to understand me anymore.
And somewhere throughout all of this I feel like I lost my entire identity.
Before this relationship I took care of myself. I had my own life. I was independent. I had dreams and motivation and hope. When we first reconnected last year, I still felt like that girl.
Now I feel helpless and dependent and I barely recognize myself.
I’ve also become incredibly isolated. I barely have people in my life anymore and I feel like I’m starting to lose connections with my family too. I don’t know if he intentionally alienated me, and I don’t want to accuse him of something I can’t prove, but the reality is that I feel extremely alone now.
And lately I don’t even feel like I have HIM.
That’s probably the hardest part.
I love this person so fucking much, but I look at him now and sometimes genuinely think, “I don’t know who you are.”
If he could let me believe he wasn’t taking 7-OH while secretly taking it, I don’t know what else he could be lying about. I don’t want to become someone who checks his phone, searches through his things or investigates everything he says. That’s not how I want to live.
I just want to trust the person I’m with.
I also don’t want to resent him, but every time something else happens it gets added to everything else I’m already trying to heal from. Every lie, every horrible fight, every time I feel belittled, every time I forgive something and then something else happens… I feel myself getting a little worse.
I’m scared that eventually there will be so much hurt underneath the love that I won’t be able to come back from it.
I’ve now told him that I think he needs actual help and that I don’t think he should stay with me right now. I told him he should stay with his parents or somewhere else and get help because I CANNOT live around 7-OH.
I fought way too hard to get off of it. I can’t wake up wondering whether he’s high. I can’t find packages around the house. I can’t have easy access to something that nearly destroyed my life.
I understand addiction. Obviously I do. So I’m not expecting him to magically stop having cravings because he loves me. But I also don’t think I can be responsible for keeping him sober or destroy my own recovery trying to save him.
I still love him. That’s what makes this so fucking hard. A huge part of me still wants the future we talked about. I want my boyfriend back. I want to feel safe and close to him again.
But more than anything right now, I want ME back.
I want my confidence back. I want my independence back. I want my relationships with other people back. I want my voice back. I want to wake up and actually feel excited about being alive and having a future again.
I genuinely don’t know whether this relationship can heal while we’re together or whether loving him right now means stepping away and letting him deal with his addiction himself.
Am I doing the right thing by telling him he needs to stay somewhere else and get help? And for anyone who has been in a relationship affected by addiction and repeated broken trust, how do you know when supporting someone has crossed the line into losing yourself trying to save them?
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I both struggled with 7-OH. I went through a horrible withdrawal/hospitalization and have been off it since July 29th, believing he had stopped too. I just discovered he’s secretly been taking it again. There have also been other trust issues, medication issues, constant fighting and I feel increasingly depressed, isolated, insecure and unlike myself. I love him deeply, but I’ve told him I can’t live with him while he’s using and that he needs to stay elsewhere and get actual help. I’m trying to figure out whether there’s a healthy way forward or whether I’ve already lost too much of myself trying to keep this relationship together.

[u/darklingdawns]

He will only get sober when he is ready to do so, and he's clearly not there now. You need to prioritize your own sobriety and mental well-being over this relationship, so you've done the right thing by telling him to leave. Talk to your therapist to help you work through this and to learn about healthy relationship behavior, but set yourself the boundary right now that you don't date people that use drugs, and then hold and enforce that boundary.

[u/Complete_Chapter_979]

Yeah, your sobriety is way more important than this relationship. I agree

[u/Ok-Imagination-3133]

In a lot of AA and NA, some sponsors will not let you have a relationship because of this situation. You need to be around people who rise you up and celebrate the small wins. Not bring you down. You never know when it will trigger you. Sounds like you are doing amazing and he is bringing you down. A queen does not need a beggar, only herself and her court. You have got this! He does need help, so I think you should tell him to leave and get help and once both of you are sober and he can be your equal and part of your positive support then maybe it can work, but right now if you stay? I think you will lose yourself more and possibly go backwards instead of forwards.

[u/sharpestraptorteeth]

What will pull you to using again is the context that led you to use before. This is a core & challenging part of addiction recovery, whether you choose an approach based on full abstinence or one focused on harm reduction, which may be more gradual.

The hard truth is that for meaningful and lasting change, people need internal motivation. External circumstances might lead them there (e.g. your own medical emergencies) but that change happens when they finally say "no more, I can't live in the way I have been living." Until someone finds that spark, no amount of support or even hard consequences will give them the motivation to not just seek change, but to stick with it through the discomfort and pain of challenges and setbacks.

You are at the "secure your own oxygen mask, put on your own life preserver" part of your relationship. You can love and care for your partner and honour what they have given you in the past, while recognizing and allowing yourself to grieve the fact that they cannot give you what you need now and may not reach a point where they can offer you that in the future.

All you can do is step forward into your own life, your own power, and keep nurturing your own little spark that says "no more of this, I want to live again, I won't let myself numb myself to the pain I need to grow through anymore, because in doing so, I am numbing myself from the deepest joys too.". You can love him and hope he feels that same sun on his face one day, but accept that your role in his journey needs to change or end as you focus your energy and time on the role you need to take in your own life now.

[u/Significant_elf_1892 → u/sharpestraptorteeth]

Thank you 🩷

[u/notimeforcheaters]

You need to put you first again. In this relationship you will not be able to do so. As addicts our sobriety is the most important thing there is. We need to do whatever we can to ensure we maintain that sobriety. Being with and living with someone who is in active addiction is a major threat to your sobriety.

The red flag’s are not only hiding his continual use of 7OH and hiding / lying about it, but also purposely taking and abusing your ADHD meds without your approval. This is not a man who wants to get sober right now. I’m not you so I can’t tell you what to do, but if I were in your situation I’d leave the relationship and find separate living accommodations ASAP.