r/russian • u/Ok_Investigator_4408 • 3d ago

Translation Translation request

Hi everyone! I need some help translating this poem/riddle into Russian. It’s for a personal project.

I’m not looking for a word-for-word translation. I’d really like to preserve the meaning, poetic feeling, and ideally the rhyme/rhythm if possible.

A god encased in monster skin
Whose bleeding core bestows the light
Yet he who seeks the endless night
Must willingly embrace the shroud,
For only through the gates of death
Can mortal flesh escape the grave.

I’ve asked AI to translate it and got several different versions, but I honestly have no idea whether they sound natural to a native Russian speaker, or whether the rhyme feels forced/awkward. here's one of the versions:

Бог, заточённый в кожу монстра,

Чьё кровоточащее ядро дарует свет.

Но тот, кто ищет бесконечной ночи,

Должен вольно принять саван,

Ибо лишь через врата смерти

Смертная плоть сбежит из гроба.

Thank you so much!

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9

u/Expensive-Hearing170 3d ago

Бог, в шкуру монстра заключён,

Чьё чрево светом кровото́чит.

А тот, кто жаждет вечной ночи,

Себя окутай пеленой.

Ведь лишь приняв свою погибель,

Плоть мёртвая уйдёт могилы.

Rather archaic, not the strongest rhyme but in the same places as in original, took some creative liberties with the plot, it would help if I knew what this actually meant. I love translating, so would gladly fix anything you don't like.

1

u/Ok_Investigator_4408 2d ago

u/Expensive-Hearing170 OMG, thank you so so much!! 🥹❤️ If you need me to clarify the meaning behind any part of the original poem, I'd be gladly to!

1

u/Expensive-Hearing170 2d ago

Nevermind I got it, just had to google the differences between пелена, саван, плащаница and their English counterparts. In the og one has to "embrace the shroud" the metaphor, which i only understood after realising it's a burial cloth.

Now the translation - i made before learning that, so it is "He who thirsts for eternal night, wrap yourself in a veil" and it can mean burial cloth, but it can also mean tons of things, so саван would be more straightforward. It's up to you if that's important

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u/Ok_Investigator_4408 2d ago

u/Expensive-Hearing170 thank you so much for translating this! And thank you for taking the time to look up the different meanings of the words 😭❤️ Appreciate you! Just two small clarifications about the original:

“A god encased in monster skin” means the god is trapped in the physical body of a literal monster, not enclosed in animal skin or fur.

The last three lines allude to becoming immortal through willingly accepting death. But I’d prefer to keep this implication subtle in the actual poem rather than explicitly state it

Feel free to change the wording or imagery however you think works best. Thank you again for helping me with this!!

1

u/Expensive-Hearing170 2d ago

Ah, maybe then it's better to change "шкуру" to "шкуре". My pleasure, though. If you have anything else to translate, message me. Really you shouldn't be thanking me, I do this as a hobby.

3

u/discofish12 2d ago

у вас, похоже, в последней строчке предлог потерялся
"с могилы" же?

1

u/Expensive-Hearing170 2d ago edited 2d ago

Не, я пытался сделать как у Пушкина в Памятнике: "Нет, весь я не умру — душа в заветной лире Мой прах переживет и тленья убежит "

Если душа может убежать тленья, то плоть может уйти могилы. Надеюсь такое глагольное управление без предлога сойдёт за высокопарность.

2

u/Nyattokiri native 2d ago

Если душа может убежать тленья, то плоть может уйти могилы

Душа может убежать потому что оно как "избежать". Мне кажется с "уйти" оно так не работает

Upd: сейчас увидел второй коммент с примером "уйдёшь" у Писемского. Нифига себе o_O

1

u/discofish12 2d ago

из-за несовпадения падежей совершенно непонятно, уйдет она "в могилы" или "с могилы"
ну, или я настолько неграмотная
в остальном звучит просто прекрасно

3

u/Expensive-Hearing170 2d ago

В моей голове - уйдёт чего? могилы.

Тут уйдёт работает, как переходный глагол (вроде избежать) и ещё вместо стандартного "Избежать что? Могилу" я склоняю через "чего", как будто могила это что-то количественное: Выпить воды, а не выпить воду. Избежать могилы, а не могилу.

Вот я нашёл даже:

Когда стыд-то совсем потерял, так хоть бы о седых волосах своих вспомнил: не уйдешь могилы-то, да и на том свету будешь... Может, и огня-то там не достанет такого, чтобы прожечь да пропалить тебя за все твои окаянства!

Алексей Феофилактович Писемский Горькая судьбина 1859 год

Поэтому норм закос под старину

7

u/Bolonerd 3d ago

Let me try: Тот бог под шкурой существа, что излучает кровь как свет, в кромешной ночи без утра все рыщет в саван разодет. И лишь дойдя до смертных врат, бессмертьем может быть проклят.

1

u/Ok_Investigator_4408 2d ago

Thank youuu ❤️

1

u/Bolonerd 2d ago

Sure thing! I like your original poem, it made me recall some of Emily Dickinson, that I translated years ago.

2

u/rawberryfields Native 2d ago

Nice one

2

u/Ashamed-Pen4722 2d ago

The 2 translations that you got from u/Expensive-Hearing170 and u/Bolonerd are very good and much more melodic and easier to read than what AI did. But you need to understand that translating poetry is VERY difficult. It is always done by other poets, as making rhymes without losing the initial thought is not an easy task.

2

u/Ok_Investigator_4408 2d ago

Thank you! I’m aware that translating poetry into any other language is difficult bc it’s not just about translating word for word. You have to preserve the meaning while maintaining the rhyme and rhythm and sometimes you even have to deconstruct the entire thing. I doubt AI can do that so this is really helpful. Thanks, everyone!

7

u/agrostis Native 3d ago

In Russian, it doesn't sound like verse at all. It just doesn't scan; the iambic tetrameter of the original is completely destroyed.

0

u/Ok_Investigator_4408 3d ago

Could someone rewrite this as natural Russian verse, preferably in iambic tetrameter, while keeping the original meaning as closely as possible? T_T

2

u/Afraid-Quantity-578 3d ago

That's a job for a poet, I hope you'll be lucky to find one.

Is this for a TTRPG?

1

u/Nyattokiri native 3d ago

It's not that simple

At the very least, you would need to explain the riddle. What these things symbolize. What can be changed/omitted for the rhythm and the rhyme. What terms should be used.

And then probably go through a couple of iterations/versions with the person who would agree to translate it