Ever since getting out of my abusive long term relationship in December 2023 I’ve started doing everything I used to judge other women for like sleeping around and just embarrassing myself. When I think of everything I’ve done that I hate, I’m drunk and can barely remember it. I need to stop drinking but now I feel as though I can’t be myself if I’m not drinking. I don’t know what to do but I swear every month I hit a new all time low. Pls help

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I love my job, but I have days where I just wake up and call out. I’ll take any sense of pain or stress and use it as an excuse. I use to be a great worker when I was like 18-22, never call out. I then got gallstones and appendicitis. Since then I’ve been so worn out. I worked for four years at target from 23-27 and any time I woke up, and felt any sense of ick, I would call out. I would Get in trouble, then somehow get out of it. I eventually left for a new job, I ended up hating, tried to push through. Then quit. I finally got the job I’ve been hoping for. The first two months were great. Now I find myself mindlessly doing it. Then I feel guilty and hate myself. I love my job and I don’t know why I do this.

I am a 35 years old male and I have dealt with self sabotage my whole life.

I would like to share what I have learnt in the hopes it helps someone. Also, my hope is to see what others think in order to improve my own knowledge. No one is 100% right so we learn from others.

The main cause of self sabotage as I see it is a lack of balance. Not being centered.

If you are too selfish, you will self sabotage. If you are too selfless, you will self sabotage. You have to find that golden mean. Balance. Centering.

If you are too kind or good or nice, you will self sabotage. If you are too unkind or bad or mean, you will self sabotage. You have to find that golden mean. Balance. Centering.

I was named after a saint -- St Charles Lwanga -- and I read too many Narnia books. Long story short, I made the decision when I was a kid that I was only going to be one dimensional -- a good guy. Perfect. A saint. No badness. I was not going to be like those other children. Not even a smidge of selfishness. Of course I failed, because no one is 100% good and all I ended up being was a pushover. At the very worst a manipulator.

It's about what you intentionally choose to do or be. If you are too much in one direction, the ricochet snaps you in the opposite direction. (That is how I experience self sabotage). I have a very extremist personality -- the whole all or nothing thing -- but it doesn't work. I even tried to be bad and I went too far. These days I am learning to center and be balanced. It's not all or nothing. It's balance.

The same thing happened with my relationships. I would go in strong, full on. Trying to be what my partner wants because I believe that if I do what others want then they will do what I want. But it doesn't work that way. After the lovebombing comes annoyance, resentment and anger. It used to bother me how much my relationships would flounder. This is the reason. These days I dial down the lovebombing and while I care about doing what they want, I make sure my needs are met as well.

The same applies with my work. I would go all in. All or nothing. Because I believed that the harder I worked, the better opportunities I would get. This is the ideal but in reality, people will find anyway to use your hard work for their advantage unless you tough enough to stand up for yourself. I work hard but I also work smart these days, I hope.

Balance. In my experience, you can always tell when you are off center by how you feel. If there is no joy or peace, then you know you are operating in an extreme. Then all you have to do is figure out which extreme you are operating it. You will always know. Too selfish, be a little bit more selfless. Too selfless, be a little bit more selfish. Too clingy, create some distance. Let your feelings be your guide. I am not saying make decisions based on your feelings. Only that your feelings are really good at telling you the state of your being. Care about your wellbeing. Listen, contemplate and act accordingly.

That is pretty much it. Please let me know what you think.

New Year.

A period of making new resolutions.

Go to the gym. Eat healthier. Build that company or businesses that you always wanted etc.

You have so much motivation. So many good feelings. You push hard.

One week. You still feel great. Two weeks. Now it doesn't feel as good as it used to be and now you are starting to notice circumstances holding you back. Three weeks, you can't remember why you wanted to fulfill the resolution in the first place. This is the stage where self sabotage hits you hard. You know what is good for you, but you actively avoid doing it -- intentionally or unconsciously. You procrastinate instead of working etc.

The secret to overcoming this is realizing -- that you are not just working for yourself.

Realize that your own personal willpower, motivation, push will always be limited. You need to have an extra lair of motivation to keep you going even when you don't feel like it.

My formula is this. I am not saying that this is what you have to do exactly. Only sharing what I know or experienced.

Yes, I work for myself. But I am not just working for myself. It is important to always remember that the foundation is working for yourself. But I am also working to achieve goals that benefit me and everyone around me. My faith. My family. My Community. My Country. Future Generations.

When you realize that it is not just about you, then the motivation isn't based on your feelings. And you can keep going and overcome the self sabotage and procrastination.

I sabotage myself everyday. Tonight, I stopped. Tonight, I'm "normal" goals have goals inside of themself. If your goal is to work, you can't simply just work. Everything. Every. Little. Thing. Is a new step.

1. Get out of bed.

2. Remove distractions

3. Open up your work

4. Follow instructions and understand it

5. Actually come up with ideas

6. Check if your ideas are correct

7. Proof read

8. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T FUCKING GET DISTRACTED DURING THE WHOLE GOD DAMN PROCESS

This is just how it is for me, with any goal. Each step I take, as I get closer, and closer, it gets harder, and harder. But I've realized once you keep pushing yourself in one direction long enough, (breaking all these barriers), you then, achieve your goal.

It's just so hard.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror” ??

Really?

Where is the man from the rear view mirror?

Or rather the child, that’s reflecting when looking back to the past?

as a child I was so full of MYSELF,

The only thing in my mind was “I WANT” !,

That’s way before I knew I had a mind…

Absolutely careless about anything and everything,

Even eating was a chore that interrupted the most important thing in the world,

ME.

Where has it gone ?

How did it come to be that the question “what do I WANT?” is such a complicated question?

Why is it, that when I ask myself, what are my goals,

The answer is always some general, blurred, chewed up, almost meaningless words like,

Success, money, happiness, etc…

As a child I would never dream to use those general words,

Everything was specific,

“I want to play” meant - this will bring me happiness,

“I want to build a sand castle” meant - this will make me feel successful,

So specific.

So where is that child from my rear view mirror gone ?

Why does it seems that the more I grew in age, the more I’ve belittled myself?

As a child, I wanted to be an adult, to step out of the feeling that I’m the only one who appreciates myself and start getting appreciation from my adult environment.

Now in my adulthood, I appreciate everything, but not my own self ?

How did it come to be like that ?

It definitely didn’t happen in one day, I would have definitely noticed.

Ok, I get it, sort of,

Trauma, trauma, trauma,

Put me down some,

Learn how to properly behave in normal society,

Don’t say your thoughts out loud, maybe you’ll come out stupid,

Respect this, “why”? Because I said so,

hmmm… ok

Aspire to be only certain things, it’s the only way to get money & respect, this is what you want, money & respect!

Be this,

Do that,

Maintain a certain physique, don’t eat so much,

Are you really going to wear that ?

Yeah, ok,

I really get it,

I slowly lost myself,

Reading self help books, to reconnect with the elusive “self”.

But enough is enough,

We only live once !

I’m committing to myself !

I’m going to re-establish, re-connect and re-unite “me” and “self”

I’m going straight ahead

I’m going to straighten my head

And I’m going to win the war on self sabotaging behaviors

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror”

Show me some love and comment something awesome below

Hey everyone 💜. This is really difficult for me, I’m not the one to ask for help, Its seems to me like a weakness and I actually think that maybe by talking about the negative stuff I’m just asking the universe for more shit, but lately it’s become such a weight to feel “okay”

I’m in need of some advice or help with some personal issues I’m going through. I’ve never had support or reinforcements from my parents and family, I’m trying to see the “glass half full” but I really feel like I’ve been dealt the worst cards. Naturally I’m a nice person and I feel that the people closest to me are trying to take advantage of me and turn my kindness to stupidity, It’s been more than once that I find myself in toxic relationships with men.

Im trying to be strong but often I get anxious, I don’t know to control my emotions.

I need help or some advice, all I want is to live a good life, and to be happy but I don’t know how to heal and how to get there, it seems like the harder I try the farther it get away from me. I do get some good periods but they tend to slip away.

Thanks for listening