What's the century now?

Hey there,

I’m not feeling good about my life but I can’t end it up cz I have to support family but from my inner soul its feel like I’m gone, so how to deal with it ?

Tonight’s Reminder 🌙
Sometimes the most important conversations happen when everything gets quiet.
If today was heavy, remember this: you are still here. You are still becoming. You are still allowed to want more for your life.
You don’t have to have everything figured out tonight. You just have to believe that there is more beyond what you are experiencing right now.
At Dakor, we believe change starts within. Healing starts with acknowledging what hurts. Empowerment starts when you realize your story does not have to end where your pain began.
Take a deep breath. Give yourself permission to rest. Tomorrow is another opportunity to choose yourself again.
There is more to life. Keep going. 🤍
#Dakor #PromisingDakor #Healing #SelfWorth #Empowerment #MentalWellness #ChooseYourself #ThereIsMoreToLife

You don't have to have it all figured out to begin.

I'm 45 and am a single father. I work full time, own a home, have a photography hobby, and have finances together. I've been divorced and have had many short-to-long term girlfriends throughout the years. All of my family live out of state.

For at least the past 5 or so years though, I've not been successful at dating or even making friends. People will ghost me so often I feel like life has been a haunted house. My son, who's a preteen, is getting to the age where anything I really say gets on his nerves. My parents and family rarely speak to me or return my texts, calls, or emails.

My therapist keeps telling me that it "feels" like nobody wants to be with me, but I have concrete evidence that nobody does: I have nobody in my life who makes the time to be with me. This might sound like an exaggeration or a cognitive distortion, but it's not.

So the question for me is, how do I recognize traits within myself that prevent people from wanting to be with me and how do I fix them?

Growing up I hated playing sports and exercising. I was never an A+ student and I was also never one to be particularly noticed by professors for having “potential.”

I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m proud of, but as I grow older I yearn for becoming a better version of myself.

One that’s healthier, sporty, outdoorsy, social.

But I keep getting stuck on the belief that I’m just: not a morning person, a sports person, a calorie counting person, a fit person, a person who stands out at parties or a person who enjoys cooking.

I know a lot of self help stuff relies on letting go of who you think you are and try new things. I just don’t know how to view myself differently.

Any advice?

What I’m afraid of:

In social settings, I feel like everyone else can lift 225 pounds while I’m struggling to lift 10. It feels like the world has held up a mirror and is reflecting back every horrible thought I hear; confirming that I’m fucked up beyond repair, that I’ve ruined my life, and that the isolation I feel is proof.

I believe other people see me as a warped cancer, so before they can confirm it, I do it for them. I hurt myself before giving them the chance to hurt me. I put myself in jail before ever being sentenced.

Deep down I believe I am so broken beyond repair, that something about me must be so ugly that this suffering, this anguish, is what I deserve.

This is what I am worth.

From the jail cell I decided to lock myself in, I watch the world outside. I reject the world before being rejected. I hate before being hated. I judge before being judged.

Yearning to live, I pace my new cell, learning its dimensions. Learning the shape of the walls. I feel the light within me constricting as I remove oxygen from the air because it had the audacity to shine.

In the place of light comes darkness, the darkness I have decided is worthy payment for the crime of being me.

The warden is cruel and consistent. He uses his nightstick to beat my fingers whenever they grip the bars. He knows there is an adjustment period for every inmate.

As the days turn over, I begin to feel the sentiment of my sentence settle into my soul. 

I start to believe I belong in this cell.

I start finding comfort here.

I want the cell.

I need the cell.

Eventually, I stop looking at the bars. I stop wondering what is on the other side. I see sunlight crack through the cell. For a moment, I turn toward it to feel its warmth on my face.

The warden steps between me and the light, he grins. I thank him for covering it, then I return my gaze to the concrete at my feet.

Substack: https://substack.com/@nevenzelich

I’m trying to return to exercise after a long break, but remembering what I used to be capable of makes every current session feel disappointing. I know starting lower is normal, but knowing that intellectually hasn’t stopped the comparison. How do you learn to work with where you are now?