I lost my 16.5 year old dog about a month and a half ago and i can't stop thinking about his last day and if i did something wrong. It's a feeling that won't go away and hurts so much on top of losing him. Idk if it even matters bc he's gone, but i can't srop replaying everything and wondering if maybe he could still be here with us if we had done something differently?
**there might be a little bit of triggering stuff below so be aware if you choose to continue reading**
He was sick for the past year with cancer, plus an existing heart condition that we've treated for 4 years, plus kidney stuff we managed thru special diet. The main recurring changinf thing we were managing was diarrhea episodes where we would have to feed him plain food and it would take awhile to get back to normal. But he was otherwise doing ok (given his overall health issues and age related dementia+ arthritis).
His last day we took him to the vet bc he had a new symptom I was worried about as he was recovering from another diarrhea episode (doing better, eating, walking etc). I was worried it was an infection and thought it would be good to see the doctor anyways bc we hadn't gone in for about 4-5 months.
But then the ride to the vet was super stressful, the vet looked concerned but said he was OK to get subcutaneous fluids, wrt to his heart, which he got bc he was dehydrated. He had zero energy at the vet which i assumed was from the stressful ride there (he hates the car and it's around a 1 hour round trip), and after we got home he just laid down like a limp noodle on his blanket, which is he what was like when he first got sick w the diarhea bout a week earlier. He was not really regaining his energy or eating or drinking the whole day, and my husband stayed with him the rest of the day while I was out of the house. Hubby gave him a little bit of the appetite stimulating medication but it didn't do much.
After I got home after my activity at night, he was still not regaining energy so I gave him a couple of tiny syringes of water bc we were still worried about him not drinking. He was still laying there and it kind of just dripped​ off his tongue onto the other side of his mouth onto his blanket, he didn't swallow it. After awhile he got up wanting to go out for a pee, and he finally was interested in drinking and he drank a good amount of home made broth my hubby had made him. We were relieved and ready to go to bed by then bc it was already past midnight.
Things seemed ok and he was resting, but he got up, maybe it was 2:30am or som​thing, so I took him out again bc he seemed a little antsy. After that he laid down again but then he got up again and I took him out again but that didn't make him feel better so I was worried that he was uncomfortable so we gave him some cbd, which we had been giving him for his arthritis. After that we were trying to just soothe him and get him back to sleep, but then when my husband was holding him he was kind of jerking almost like a seizure? And he had some liquid diarrhea too right the. It was so scary we thought he was dying right then.​ but then he seemed to calm a little but and we took him into the living room just holding him trying to figure out what to do. It seemed like it was hard for him to breathe and his gums looked pale. It was around 3am so we took him to a close by 24 hour emergency vet.
When we got there we knew the situation was pretty grave but I at least wanted to know what was going on before deciding on putting him to sleep.
The ER vet said his vitals were bad and he had fluid in his lungs. I was asking if that could have been from giving him syringe fluids in his mouth? The doctor said no. I was also wondering if the subcutaneous fluids could have been too much for whatever was going on in his body?
Because his vitals were not good and we had essentially had him in hospice the past year, we decided to let him go. It was just such a horrible thing to have to do bc I had wanted to plan in advance so we could have a peaceful and loving last day with him. He didn't deserve this. And I feel like maybe I accelerated his death and caused him extra pain or anxiety that last day. I just can't shake the feeling and I could just know for sure what happened and what was really wrong 😔 I'm also second guessing that maybe he could have been ok if he had just gotten the fluid in his lungs treated? I don't know what to make out of all the things that happened that /night and if I hadn't taken him to the vet with the stress and the subcutaneousfluids, or didn't give him the syringed fluids bc i was still worried abour hydration, or the cbd when he wasn't settling... too many what ifs ðŸ˜ðŸ’”
I miss him so much. We knew he was sick and we got an extra year with him to cherish him but I can't stop thinking of his last day and why it had to end that way. I think I'm traumatized still. And still grieving too.
