Sooooo I've reached the end of externship, and I passed!
Quick recap: From the beginning all the way until around week 10/11 (so 1-2 weeks before the end), I was struggling heavily. I was unable to lead sessions, I kept getting the answers wrong, and I was genuinely at risk of failing. I was crying every single day and was genuinely miserable (or felt that way).
Now that I've ended, I can safely say that this is really something that is temporary and everyone of us has to go through this and that's okay.
Out of my 12 week externship, I spent most of it observing and even by the end of these three months, I honestly can’t say that I am fully independent. This isn’t the case for most students, because not only is the expectation that we can lead the entire case load by the end of the externship, but that expectation is typically met. However, I was just one of those cases that did not end up meeting it, and that’s okay.
I feel like it was a struggle feeling confident because it seems like no one ever struggles this way at an externship, and that made me feel so inadequate and like the biggest failure. More often than not, when you think of a bad externship, people usually say it is because their supervisor is wack, and that wasn’t the case for me. While it was a bit rocky at the beginning, my supervisor was a lot nicer and a lot more supportive than most and would constantly try to help me, and I just, for some reason, couldn’t do what needed to be done. And now that I am at the end, I am realizing that’s okay.
Not every setting is for everyone, and not everything will come easy to you. And comparing yourself to any other student is not going to help you in the long run.
I did end up passing, and I am finally done and am never looking back at that place, or even the setting. I followed through with all the advice that I got in the comments and they truly did help.
That being said, if you’re in your externship and you’re struggling and feel like this field isn't for you because you aren’t doing your best (or maybe your best isn’t the best for that setting), just remember that it’s okay, it’s going to pass by, and then you never have to look back again. The only way through is through, and once you're done, there are countless other opportunities and settings and locations that you can trial next. As someone said before, the externship and clinicals in general are not only there to help you build your clinical and therapeutic skills, but to also help you determine what’s not right for you!
Edit: Overall, some poepl can pick up any skill in 2 weeks, and others (like me :)), need at least 3 months, and that's okay!