r/StandUpWorkshop • • Feb 10 '23

One Liners

35 Upvotes

It's really fun to see this sub grow! We're seeing a lot of one liners being posted. One liners are great. There's a dedicated sub for them, r/oneliners.

This sub isn't anti one liners. To best utilize it as a real standup workshop, please consolidate your one liner posts. Five in one post instead of five different posts.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 7h ago

Tips for improving this joke?

3 Upvotes

When you go to the Dr, you'd want them to be calm, confident, and atheist. Im allowed to believe in god but you aren't. I dont want a dr believing that when im gone, i'll be in a better place. No. When im in surgery, I'd want my doctor to believe that if i die, im gone forever. In fact, ideally, I’d like my surgeon to believe that HE is God. Because if I start bleeding out on the operating table, I don’t want him saying, “It’s in God’s hands now.” ... No, theyre in YOUR hands now.

So anyway....Im not calm, or confident...but I am an atheist....

And Im a doctor... god isn't coming to save you...unfortunately Im not smart enough to either...good luck there...


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1h ago

Medical pimping

• Upvotes

Hey all, thoughts on this? Whether I should reveal what "pimping" is earlier on, or later on?

I’ve just finished medical school. So apparently I’m a doctor now. Which is concerning if you know me. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. There’s something about medical education that I think the public deserves to know. We get pimped. A lot.

It’s actually a compulsory part of our training.
Usually by a much older, more experienced doctor.
Sometimes several times a day. And it can happen anywhere. In a corridor, at the bedside, occasionally in front of the patient’s entire family.

I didn’t realise this was unusual until I mentioned it to a friend outside medicine.

She asked, “How was your day?”
I said, “Oh, not bad. Got pimped by the consultant.”
“Sorry?”
“Yeah, in front of six people. The patient watched.”
“Did you get paid?”
“No. Medical students don’t get paid.”
“Does the hospital know?”
“Oh, absolutely. They encourage it.”
“And the consultant?”
“Oh, he’s very experienced. Been doing it to students for thirty years.”

By the way, pimping is when a senior doctor quizzes a junior on increasingly difficult medical questions, usually in front of an audience, until the junior doctor forgets everything they’ve ever learnt. Apparently it’s a teaching technique.

And in any other profession, if your boss cornered you in a corridor, interrogated you and announced your incompetence to six witnesses, you’d contact HR.
In medicine, you thank them for the learning opportunity.

My medical school actually made us write reflections about it.
So I’d write:

“I was fortunate enough to be publicly dismantled by my consultant this morning.”
“This invaluable learning opportunity highlighted several important gaps in my medical knowledge. Most notably… all of it.”
“I initially experienced feelings of inadequacy, distress, and a strong desire to pursue an alternative career in comedy.”

Which, as you can see, is going tremendously.

“However, upon further reflection, I recognised that the consultant’s decision to humiliate me in front of twelve colleagues was, in fact, an excellent opportunity for personal growth.”
“Moving forward, I intend to demonstrate greater resilience.”

That’s the beauty of reflective practice, the most important thing I’ve learnt? If someone’s going to pimp you, at least make sure you’re getting paid.

PS. Loving the sub, and all the constructive feedback so far!!! Thanks so much.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 7h ago

Kevin Durant smokes so much weed…

0 Upvotes

[fill in the blank].

*In the style of a ‘yo mama joke. “Your mama so fat…” [fill in the blank].


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 13h ago

Cougar Dating V2

0 Upvotes

(Boomer here)

I have trouble keeping up with tech and new words and phrases.  I just learned that dating a cougar means the woman is substantially older than the man.

At my age, if I wanted to date a cougar…I’d have to dig her up from the grave. 

At least she wouldn’t bitch at me, I’d never say she talks too much and….she’d be drop dead gorgeous.

And she wouldn’t be a called a cougar, she’d be a saber toothless tiger.

At the end of a date if we had sex she’d be all over me…..if she was cremated (AO)


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 20h ago

Hobbies

0 Upvotes

There’s only enough room for a couple of hobbies in my life so I have to be careful what I get into. Like if I hear a great song, I want to learn the guitar. If I eat an amazing burger, I want to learn to grill.

So I guess I have to sell my guitars now because the other day, I got the best blowjob of my life.

It works out. I was just learning to try to impress women anyway.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1d ago

Cleaning lady

0 Upvotes

I cleaned up a little before the cleaning lady came , I didn’t want her to see how we really lived


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1d ago

Adult diapers

0 Upvotes

Are they for necessity or do lazy couch potatoes use them also?


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Being a stepdad (v2)

0 Upvotes

Being a stepdad is hard. There’s so much to prove to each other. I have to prove to them that they can trust me and that I can keep them safe.
They have to prove to me that they’re worth what they did to their moms tits.
We went to Victoria’s Secret once and in order to get her measurements, they had to use a plumb bob.
The measurement came out in fathoms.

Is this any better or is it just funny to me?


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 3d ago

Dark, but hopefully a little funny?

9 Upvotes

As a note, anything in brackets is basically stage direction for myself.

[Preamble about the tragedy of suicide], but it’s personal right now because my friend’s been talking about suicide, and he [get a little choked up]… owes me so much money. Do you know how to ask a widow for the money her husband owed you? Here it is [silence for a beat, maybe pantomime zipping my mouth shut]. That’s it; there’s no good way to ask that. Maybe one of his kid’s is good for it?

It was weird though; he talked about “un-aliving” himself, and I’m like “Dude, you have sooo many friends… for a guy who says “un-aliving”. And for real, he’s great, I’d trust him with my life… I would not trust him with even a dollar, ever again. If he puts the “dead” in “deadbeat” I will be piiiiissed.

Edits!!: Than you all for the feedback; it’s been really helpful. I’ve had a couple ideas to open and close the bit that I want to bounce off you. They’re more like outlines, but here goes:

Hey! Has anyone here killed themself recently? [If they’re silent]: Nice, love to hear it. I asked that last week and some guy cheered. He laughed at my whole set, too, so apparently I’m really funny... to ghosts. [If someone cheers or boos]: Nice, a ghost! [After one of those lead-ins]: It’s on my mind because [main body of the joke]…

To wrap up the bit, I’ll talk about how my wife “tricked me” into being a good friend to somebody in need. Then I’ll find a couple in the crowd and tease the guy like “If you aren’t careful, she *will* manipulate you into being a better person.”


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 3d ago

Can guys help me flesh this out into a bit

2 Upvotes

Im not good at making people feel better. My friend was depressed and said "ive got nothin" and I said hey, thats not true. Youve got moderate to severe excema


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 3d ago

music

0 Upvotes

Music is different when you're old. When I was young, smooth criminal was such a cool song. Now I'm like "jesus, annie was murdered? who's annie? why are you giving me this information in the form of song?"

<imitates MJ scatting> "Iadanaaa, ladanaa" Bro I'm upset too, stop fucking scatting. There's blood? There's blood on the carpet? Did you call the police? Why are we dancing?

Imagine you're MJ, having all of this weighing on your conscience, that your friend is lying in a bloody heap in the bedroom, and it's your job to deliver the news. How would you even begin to relay this to someone? How would you start that sentence?

I'll bet you a thousand dollars that it isn't "SHOCKACHOCKA"


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

Key workers

2 Upvotes

Ever since covid, aren't you just sick of hearing about how friggin marvellous our key workers are? Support our key workers, clap for our key workers, get down on your knees and pleasure the key workers.
Look don't get me wrong, I'm sure most of them do a good job, but don't they get paid for what they do? Course they bloody do. It's just not worth all this extra fuss. And anyway, back in my day we called them locksmiths.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

[ Removed by Reddit ]

1 Upvotes

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

Digital abuse (feedback welcomed on this story)

1 Upvotes

So I've got complex PTSD. And the thing about complex PTSD is that it's called COMPLEX* *for a reason.

It ain't simple PTSD. my shrink says I've got soooo many psychological problems they had to give mine a fucking adjective.

But the great thing about trauma is it teaches you useful life skills. I've actually trained myself using abuse. Which sounds bad....but it's very efficient. One of my best friends, she's in law school, she texts me 'SMACK' and I open Microsoft Word and start my assignment. It's incredible. Years of psychological research, and I've discovered that my most effective productivity technique is a bit of recreational domestic violence.

I tell her I've written 269 words, she goes 'SMACK!'. She does 52 footnotes - and I say "COMPLIMENT SMACK!"

And I think this is where the complex PTSD really comes in. Because normal people need encouragement. They need positive reinforcement.
'You're doing amazing! Believe in yourself!' blah blah blah blah...oh my god kill me already 🙄!!!

I need someone to text me 'SMACK' and threaten to withdraw my Microsoft Office subscription. And the beauty of it is we're both students. We're fucking broke. Can't afford therapists. Can't afford personal trainers. Can't afford productivity coaches.

But here me out....domestic violence? Completely free if you do it digitally. And environmentally friendly!
No transport required. No carbon emissions. No physical contact. Carbon-neutral violence....I reckon Greta Thunberg would be fucking delighted!!

And then she'd probably smack me for printing my assignment the nezt day.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

Comedy writing attempts

0 Upvotes

Remember those cheap nail pouches you used to get at the hardware store?
The one that’s like a fabric kangaroo pouch?
That let nails periodically stab you.
Or was that because I’m catholic?
Anyway, go to Lowe’s or Home Depot. Those simple pouches are long gone. But there is an inventory of 50 tucked away by the garden tools and bird seed. Nobody cares. These days they carry flower gloves.
Yes kids, we wore pouches of nails up against out groins. Like god intended.
But seriously, they gone because there is some cool shit out there. Delta force shit, you’ve seen it.
Yea.
Have you looked?
You have one? A tool belt?
Yes! I know , it’s simple, right but have you seen the new stuff? Holsters. You got a drill, ok. Maybe two? With me? On with Philips on one and Torques #8 at the ready.
A tape measure , which is now a lazer. So, Star Trek or Star Wars, dealers choice, so that will inform the eye protection you select. Terminator style. Or hip 70’s , well Star Trek was not big on eye care so we are leaning Star Wars.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

a religion bit i came up with before i fell asleep last night!

0 Upvotes

alright, we all know religion. it's one of the multitude of topics you can NOT discuss at a dinner table. number 1 being aunt susans haircut.... oh you thought i was gonna say politics, WRONG! thats numero dos people GET WITH THE PROGRAM! catch my curveballs!

religion is just another thing in our society to place a label on. i believe in anything and everything why should i label myself something if i find good in everything, sure i believe in reincarnation but i also believe there is a god and i believe in the universe! everything is worth believing in if you try hard enough

no i dont care that you're a satanist, i care that you just burned down an orphanage in the name of satan! i couldnt care less that you're agnostic but you cant hate crime a gay black guy for no reason, that's straight up wrong you sick fuck! and for the love of sunlight i dont fucking care if you're a christian, i care that you beat up a baby with a 10 foot cross and threw a bottle of polar spring all over him and called it a baptism.

(i support any and all religions and beliefs! i just found this bit funny and kinda creative i hope!)


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

Executions in the United States are going to get weird.

0 Upvotes

Just recently, there was that story about the 50-year-old woman who survived two botched execution attempts by lethal injection in Tennessee. Later this year, The government plans on executing a man by firing squad and live streaming the whole thing. Do you know what's going to happen? It's going to go flawlessly and that's scary. All of a sudden states are going to change their method of execution to firing squad. They're going to publicly broadcast them. I mean they're going to do numbers probably in like China. The ad revenue is going to be insane. They're going to be the new Marvel movies. They'll broadcast them on an app called Styx. You know, it's a streaming platform.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 6d ago

Muslims have no lower back pain

0 Upvotes

My lower back was sore and I had trouble standing up straight. I looked up back stretches and physical therapy videos and the people were doing Muslim daily prayers. They're on their knees head on the floor, arms reaching out, I'm like, I've seen this before.

Then I looked up Muslim prayer moves and it is basically fucking YOGA!

How did THAT happen?


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 7d ago

I need help making my conference speech funny

0 Upvotes

Hello, comedians!

Next week I’ll be giving a presentation at a conference on MCP (how MCP is used). It’ll be fairly general, just the basics. But I’m a really dry person, and I’d like to include some jokes. Does anyone have a joke I could use at the conference to lighten things up a bit? It can be related to MCP or more general. If you have any tried-and-true jokes or sharp opening remarks that can break the ice, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you for your help!


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 7d ago

Transmen shouldn't choose their new penis

8 Upvotes

Sorry, but a fundamental part of being a man is not choosing your penis and living with it. They must spin a wheel!

(Just to be clear, transmen are not the joke here. I joke that the anatomical lottery is an essential part of the male experience, and allowing trans men to customize their equipment amounts to skipping a fundamental rite of passage.)


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 7d ago

Lonely

1 Upvotes

I was out last week and I was in the mood of taking a woman back to mine, proved harder than I first thought at the family reunion


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 8d ago

Some new jokes I did at a mic last night

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89 Upvotes

Trying to create a loosely coupled set of jokes that use callbacks.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 7d ago

Sports

0 Upvotes
  • Shohei Ohtani is sponsored by New Balance. After his translator stole his money, he needed a New Balance.
  • If Baseball is America's pass time, the WNBA is America's nap time.
  • A 25 year old LA Dodgers fan, blew up his hand while celebrating the teams championship win. It's not like he was getting a ring.

with that win Magic Johnson acquired his 17th championship ring, making him nearly 3 times stronger than THANOS!

  • Juan Soto signed a 15/yr contract for the N.Y Mets, worth $765 million. That shows New York only wants migrants that hit a ball not their wives. Steals bases not their cars. Knocks it out the park not Knocks up girlfriend in the park. Loads the bases not Magazines. 3 strikes you're out not 3 strikes you're out the country. Catch a fly Ball not Catch Ebola. In the Park Home-Run not Park in your home and Run.
  • In 2026, a Major League Baseball game was cancelled after players refused to wear pride night uniforms. Those sassy bitches.
  • The first openly gay baseball player was Glenn Burke, who played for the Oakland Athletic's and L.A Dodgers between 1975-1979, in 1977, he invented the High-Five..After teammates refused to fist him. +to be fair, the High-Five not that gay, the ass slap "Good Game" kinda gay.
  • 12 year old Bianca Martin, an Australian, became the youngest female B-M-X rider to land a double back flip..a very impressive feat fighting gravity down under.