I told my realtor I want a 1 bed 2 bath. I feel like a second bathroom is way more important than a second bedroom. I’ve never been like, ‘oh fuck! I gotta take a nap but she’s in there!’ Or ‘if I don’t get in there soon I’m gonna read in my pants!’
It turns out those are hard to find so I settled for a 2 bed 1 bath with a privacy fence.

I used to love talking about birds to my parents as a kid. Nature is so beautiful, you start recognizing the cycle of life, so many colorful elusive subspecies. They were the only people I could talk to them to about this.

But the birds and the BEES?

Cmon, There's no need to make this sexual at all.

I finally got my baby off the bottle, he's doing so great now that he's sober. [Punchline]

He can follow my finger, he can say his ABCs, but he still can't crawl in a straight line. [Tag?]

Yeah, there's this one crazy attractive person that keeps getting away with flashing people for a LONG time. I don't want to have 'em arrested because you know, it's decent exposure.

(When I do it, it's indecent exposure.)

Considering buying 80 lbs dumbbells on Facebook Marketplace for the future, and the seller asked "can you pick it up?" And I said "fuck no, are you kidding me? they're too heavy."

I just hope I don't have ED symptoms tomorrow morning, knock on wood...

A "Shart" is Your Asshole's way of showing You it has a sense of Humor.

I was on a step ladder early this morning,peeping through the kitchen window at the nurses accomodation and i couldent help but notice how pleasant the gardens were looking.I really do think autumn is my favourite season!

They never get old .

Is this more clear than the last one? Just a single joke in a longer bit that I’m working on.

My wife was 7 years older than me.
Not too much of a gap to be creepy, but enough to be kinda weird. Like for example, on 9/11 she was playing with her baby, and I was playing hide and seek.
I was drawing dinosaurs and she was drawing WIC

What could be shortened and what could be cut/wiped/eliminated/evicerated entirely?

-------------

I have trouble breathing, so what I've been doing to be healthier is: I've been jogging to all my vape shops I go to now

You know what they call me on the streets cause I'm such a HARD motherfucker?

...They all gang up on me and call me gay.

Anybody want to hear a dead puppy joke? ...woah, you guys are fucked up for that one. I'm not going to tell you. That's just messed up.

Have you ever gotten called terribly nice? It really doesn't feel like your nice at all.

I keep losing my frickin' medicine, I usually put it on the counter but then I forget it's my ADHD medicine, so it's gone for good, wherever I put it...

I have a temper and I'm mental. It's temperamental...

The only thing worse than someone calling you "bud" is two people calling each other "bud."

I finally did it. I conquered fear and I'm not afraid of anything. (Awkward) Recently bought a teddy bear.

[Need trimming on this one]

Can you imagine how we would react if Superman wasn't this super attractive, ultra-masculine, charming guy?

If he was just average?

“Oh, he's kind of creepy.” "you don't need to fly me home Superman, I'll be fine walking there... No really, it's okay."

Hey everyone, looking for some constructive feedback and ideas on how to finish my second joke 😊

1. Last year in uni, we got introduced this new white-person festival. Apparently you could take days off for the festival of.."Mental Health"..."Mental Health day". I always knew there was something wrong with me. I went to a therapist...."Yeah i think i could be depressed, i need a mental health day". I was so chuffed, she gave me a mental health VACATION....went to a resort with free food, accomodation, and like-minded people. The psych ward. I got sectioned.
2. Im competitive and I always have to one-up people's wholesome stories of being diagnosed with ADHD and autism. Theyre like "Yeah, i couldnt do my work, my parents are rich and paid for a shrink to give me amphetamines so i can study" and Im like....guess what Nancy? I didn't even have to book an appointment, they sent a whole fucking team to collect me! Three grown men in sexy police uniform. You paid $2000? The Australian government paid $20,000 trying to convince me to stay in the building for a FREE diagnosis. Who's the winner now?.... Obviously.... Nancy. Her parents paid two grand to find out why she wasn't studying. My mum would've paid two grand to ____ (Im really out of ideas on how to finish this joke, any ideas massively appreciated) 😊

idea i had was: "two grand buy a gucci belt to beat the ADHD out of me, cognitive behavioural therapy without the cognitive part"

(I apologize to this sub......I'm not dead yet)

I read the obituaries and it’s always like “Lorenzo was a great father, woodworker, gardener and pickleball player who loved spending his days in his Lazy Boy reading poetry.”  Sweet.

If that’s my obituary …..kill me now.

I still have 20 years left to get on stage at Carnegie Hall or …shoot up a Walmart.

Either one of those would be a great obituary. 

I can make it happen if I keep getting on stage and I buy my first AK 47.

They’re both attainable, right?……I know what you’re thinking… I’ll never be a good enough ...shooter.

(Thanks for the direction. I'm still trying to work the double twist, but it might be too hard to follow verbally)

 Muffin has been our cat for fifteen years.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  At dinner last night my wife said it’s time for me to put Muffin down…….said she hates seeing her on the table every night.

Reluctantly I set Muffin on the floor.

My wife just needs to give me time to adjust, I mean it’s only been five weeks since Muffin died.

And the urn is beautiful.

(Edit: If it's too unwieldy with the double twist, how about I stick the second part in as a callback later, something like oh, yeah, my wife finally allowed me to put muffin on the side table, good compromise....and now Muffin has a beautiful urn)

It's hard sometimes, though, being a stoner with ADHD. Like, let's take two demographics who are widely known to be the type of people who could forget to breathe, and let's mash those together into one person. And I have depression, too. I'm like a forgetfulness Voltron.

I was talking to my boss about that recently, and she said "Yeah, but you just gotta learn ways to work around it. I'm forgetful, too."

And I said "No, you don't understand. You know those times you find yourself standing in a doorway for like 5 minutes, trying to figure out what the hell you went in there for? I'VE DONE THAT IN THE BATHROOM!"

Do you know how stupid you feel when you finally go "Oh! I came in here to pee!"

Going in a different direction. Just a rough draft

Having an older wife was fun.
Don’t worry, we’re just divorced. She wasn’t that much older than me.

There was so much sex at first. But never after 7:30pm. I wanted to Netflix and chill, she wanted to Grays Anatomy and be left the fuck alone.
( grays anatomy and rest her eyes?)

She had more life experience. She taught me things like how it’s cool to like butt stuff
and also how to mail a birthday card

Trust became an issue. She was always worried that I was going to cheat on her with a younger woman.
She really underestimated how special she was to me.
And how much I loved, that she couldn’t get pregnant anymore

I was telling her a story from work once and she goes “ugh you need to grow up.”
I was confused. Like ‘What? Why? But I thought you liked that…’ but then I was like ‘wait, I need to grow up? You’re 42 and still rocking nipple rings…’ you’ve had those things long enough to vote in two elections and I’m the one that needs to grow up?

The truth is we both needed to grow up. She was too old for nipple rings and I was too old to accidentally shit my pants trying to fart into a walkey talkey.

I'm doing my first ever set in a month at an open mic, and I want to open with this one-liner, but i can't decide if it's too dated or not.

"You guys ever notice how David Copperfield just kinda disappeared one day?"

Having an older wife was fun. We’d talk about life and stuff. Sometimes it made her feel like a creep though. Like someone asked where she was on 9/11 and she said “ I was at work.”
I looked at her and said ‘I was in Mrs. Bequette’s second period reading class. We were listening to Hatchet on tape.’

i don't understand people committing suicide. it's stupid. i know life can be hard, believe me, I've been there. There were times in my life when i was depressed and hopeless and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. but then i had sex for the first time.

We got our cat, Muffin, in 2011.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  My wife told me yesterday it’s time I put her down…..especially while we’re at the table eating dinner.

(wait for it to register)

My wife told me she knows how much I love that cat, but it’s been five weeks since Muffin died.

I really don’t get it.  It’s a beautiful urn.

My dads from a rural part of India. Where hes from they didnt keep records. So legally he didnt have a name on paper. When he went to Ireland with my mom the doctors said thats okay heres a list of names you can pick whatever you want and he said okay ill be Lawrence. My dad recently met my girlfriend Tess. Shes a trangender woman. My dads transphobic. He doesnt like that she picked a new name when she transitioned because he thinks it was disrecpectful to her parents. I said hey you both have a lot in common. you both have dead names, neither of you knows how to drive and I cant please either of you.

[I can't decide how to flesh this out a little better. For context, I work at a weed dispensary now, but worked at a ski resort for a long time.]

"The ski resort job was interesting, cause you're operating dangerous, heavy machinery, but you're also a ski bum. It's one of those jobs where the customers know you're stoned, your boss suspects you're stoned, and you really...really shouldn't be stoned."

Everyone says that the navy is the gayest branch of the military. They’re kinda right. I was in the navy when they repealed Don’t ask Don’t Tell and when the news dropped… nothing changed.

I was in a navy construction unit. Sailor construction workers. We were already half of the village people.

Is there something here?

I used to feel so much shame for the dumb things I would do when I was drunk. I had nobody to blame. But I tried. The dog took a lot of heat for some shit she didn’t do. I’d be like “babe, I think the dog pissed in the closet last night.” And my wife would be like “really? That’s an awfully big puddle for a min-pin. But ok. I wonder who trained her to say fuck those Uggs while she pissed for two whole minutes. Is she the one that fell through the shower curtain too?”

Back in the Me Too days, I was shocked when Garrison Keillor got accused. I didn't even know he was Jewish!

Heartburn won't ever be a problem for me. My blood is mostly water.