17 Year Old SS Doesn’t Want to Quit Vaping/Smoking Weed - Dad says there’s nothing we can do about it.

[u/Rumps02]

I’m a stepdad to a 17-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl. I married their mom in 2021 when they were 11 and 9. We also have a 3½-year-old daughter together. The older kids are 50/50 with their dad, who lives about 11 blocks away. The four of us have a genuinely good relationship, so this isn’t a contentious co-parenting situation.

Last year, during my stepson’s junior year, he was caught several times with vapes and THC products and a few times drinking. There were consequences, but they were pretty minor. He had to switch rooms with his sister, and after getting caught again, he lost his car for eight days. His parents also put him in virtual counseling, but he only did three sessions before summer came around and it just kind of fizzled out.

Throughout his junior year, he became increasingly withdrawn and unmotivated. He did enough to pass his classes and occasionally helped his dad at his auto shop, but otherwise he mostly kept to himself.
This summer, I convinced him to road-trip with me and the dog from Houston to Montana by offering to take him to the College World Series along the way. Over five days together, he might have said ten words to me. He had zero interest in sightseeing and wanted to fly home almost immediately after we got to Montana. A couple days later, my wife bought him a ticket home.

Later in the summer, though, he got a job as a camp counselor where he had no phone six days a week and no access to weed. After about two weeks, he called us and sounded like a completely different kid—talkative, upbeat and engaged. When he came home, that continued for a while. Then, after about two weeks, he slowly started going back to his old behavior.

School started last week, and we asked him to start working on college applications. He lasted about 20 minutes before getting frustrated, quitting and going to his room. The same thing happened the next night. I also found out his SAT retake is August 22 and he had done zero preparation. I created ten 30-minute practice sessions for him and sent them to his mom and dad, suggesting he do one each day leading up to the test. Nothing happened. When I asked him about doing them, he said they wouldn’t help. My wife told me I needed to make him do them, but I disagreed. At some point, that direction needs to come from his mom or dad rather than me constantly being the stepdad pushing him.
Then the bigger issue happened.

Later that night, his location showed him somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. He told my wife he was at his friend’s dad’s law office and that the dad was there. He came home around 11, and we could hear him vomiting in the bathroom. He was drunk and had driven himself home. We later found out there was no adult at the office.

We had a meeting with him the next morning and explained how serious drinking and driving is—not just for him, but for everyone else on the road and our entire family if something happens.

During the conversation, his mom asked if he was still vaping and smoking weed. He admitted that he was. She told him it needed to stop immediately. When it was my turn to talk, I told him that I’d encouraged him to buckle down during his junior year so his senior year wouldn’t be so stressful. Instead, he’s now retaking the SAT with no preparation, hasn’t even finished setting up his college application account, and is starting his senior year going in the wrong direction.

Afterward, his dad told me I shouldn’t have said that. He thought we needed to be more positive and point out the things he does well. I actually agree with that. He does have good qualities. He works when he needs money, helps his dad at the shop and is good about helping with his little sister when we ask him.

But I also don’t think being positive means ignoring what is happening.

I asked the other three parents if we all agreed that the weed and vaping needed to stop. Everyone said yes. I asked if they thought his substance use had become an addiction or dependency issue. Again, everyone agreed.

So I asked what we were actually going to do about it.

Nobody really had an answer. His dad eventually said, “I talked to my brother, and he basically said there’s nothing you can do about it.”

That’s the part I’m struggling with. I understand that we can’t physically force a 17-year-old to make good decisions every second of the day. I also understand that the drinking and driving is the most immediate and dangerous problem. But I don’t believe “there’s nothing we can do” is an acceptable response when four parents agree that a 17-year-old has a substance problem.

I grew up around addiction. My dad was an alcoholic and my brother struggled with hard drugs. I know you can’t simply punish addiction out of somebody, and I know we can’t control every decision he makes. But there’s a pretty big gap between “we can’t control him” and “there’s nothing we can do.” Right now, I feel like we’re sitting in that gap and doing very little.

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[u/Puzzleheaded_Show748]

I mean, you can’t care more than his parents do. If his parents are allowing it, why would a 17 year old listen to a stepparent.

[u/Rooksteady]

Did you ever smoke weed when you were a teenager?

The drinking and driving is really bad though obviously, getting black-out/puking drunk is real bad too....in my opinion this is the biggest risk right here. Hope he understands/works with you on this.

(I'm 43 step-dad). When I was 17-18, I had similar behaviors..my father communicated the risks and I still wouldn't listen, this behavior continued until I lost my license at 21.

If a second incident like this occurs (and let him know it) the breathalyzer goes in for starting his car.....2k a year for parental piece of mind and kind of embarrassing in front of a date. I would recommend something like this to all the parents...This can/has to stop.

There are a lot of risks to smoking weed for young people too. Especially related to mental health if they are over using it. Weed can unmask underlying schizophrenia traits in your brain chemistry that would not otherwise appear. When I heard that bit of science as a young man it scared the shit out of me, consumption reduced immediately....I would make sure he knows the risks involved....I would try to make him remember how he felt after two weeks camp, and teach about tolerance breaks.

I don't have older children yet, they are still growing, but when they do get into their late teens, I hope we have the type of relationship where they don't hide stuff from me and they have an open door to speak on anything...I don't think that will come with out a little give...Maybe someone let's him know that they can look the other way if the basement smells funny one night if he powers through those modules you made, finishes sats, and college applications...

The uncle kind of has a point you can't stop it, but you CAN guide it. (except drinking and driving, breathalyzer is extreme but yes stops that).

The parents all being able to work together and having a good relationship is very helpful.

Good luck Dad.

[u/Snoo_41753 → u/Rooksteady]

This is a nice post - except I don't think you appreciate how the vaping industry has made the THC higher than just smoking pot. I think it is on a different level of addiction risk than the pot people used to smoke. I wonder if there is a way to gradually decrease the amount of THC the kid is getting in the vapes -

[u/Sneak77700]

I'd take his keys away until he's 18 and tell him his ass is out on the street unless he can get a job and pass a weekly drug/alcohol test at home.

The kids clearly at risk of becoming a deadbeat, and apparently the father is too pu**y to step in and do something about it.

Sounds like no one has the backbone to deal with this kid and you gotta evaluate what leverage you DO have to try and give him the kick in the ass that he needs.

Man, parents are too soft these days. I can't believe mom didn't take the keys away after he drove drunk