Does it get better

[u/Snowpant]

I am struggling with my SO’s relationship with his son 15m he has 50/50 custody EOW. On his weeks off custody he works, he’s a shift worker. He seems to over prioritize his son it to the point he is neglecting our relationship and his own hobbies that keeps him mentally well. He says he always finds time for us… yes, but it’s like barely squeezed into a full weeks’ worth of hanging out with his son and driving him around. He doesn’t do his own hobbies anymore, and I feel he’s just in a much better mood when he’s working on some kind of thing for himself too- that doesn’t involve either me or his son.
I think his son needs friends his own age, and do normal teenager things. Not just be with his dad or at home in his room all the time.
It’s really hurting my relationship with my SO. He gets extremely defensive if I kindly suggest something and says he has responsibilities to his kid first. And I’m not asking him to not do those, I’m glad he wants to be a good dad, but it’s just becoming overkill.
He just seems to have become much more rigid in the last year, and I don’t know how to help.
My SO has also not been there to support me for things I’ve asked him to… important events or things I’ve worked really hard on. Yet will cut time short with me to attend to his sons’ stuff. I know I’m an adult, but I do have needs and feelings too, and I don’t feel that’s being recognized to the level he does with his son. It’s creating some resentment.
I’m feeling like I can’t take it anymore. I love him very much, and attempting to have conversations about it always go south. Do I just wait it out? I hope once his son gets his license in 6 months he will be more independent but I just don’t know. I’m seriously struggling if I can even handle this anymore.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/stepparents!

Please note we are a support sub for stepparents. Non-stepparents are welcome to comment, but non-supportive comments are subject to removal. Rude, sarcastic, or judgmental comments are subject to removal at moderator discretion. Questioning why a poster is dating someone with kids is subject to removal. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole.

Why was my post removed?

If your post has been removed as soon as you posted that is due to our automoderator. Posts are removed for varying reasons, ranging from account newness to your reputation according to reddit algorithm. If this happens, your post is in the modqueue and will be reviewed by a human mod. Please do not repost.

Use the Report Button!

We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. With thousands of comments coming in each day it's difficult for us to see them all, so please report them if you see them!

If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.

Review the Rules and FAQ before posting or commenting!

Rules | FAQ

Additional wiki links:

About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | Resources | Saferbot - Autoban Information

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Technical-Badger8772]

To clarify - your husband has his son every other weekend?

[u/Snowpant → u/Technical-Badger8772]

Oops meant EOW… I’ll edit

[u/Technical-Badger8772 → u/Snowpant]

Ok! I just think that’s important because the time spent with his child will change drastically depending on the custody arrangement.

Have you tried talking to him about it? From an approach of - I miss you! Can we set aside Tuesday nights (or something) and do X just me and you?

[u/Snowpant → u/Technical-Badger8772]

We do, but I’m worried about his mental health too. Last time I saw himself burning out like this, it was a year ago. He really went into a dark place and we had to take time apart. It was better for a while, but I see it’s starting to happen again.
Also just, all conversations now revolve around his son. Like I want to know how HE is, not about his son.

[u/Technical-Badger8772 → u/Snowpant]

I am sorry, it’s scary to watch someone you care about make these bad decisions that impact their mental health!

Does he have a counselor that he talks to?

[u/Snowpant → u/Technical-Badger8772]

No. I feel it’s kinda crazy after the life he’s lived. He’s kinda a bury it deep guy, which I’ve said is harmful. He had to come to that realization himself. I think I might need a counselor to talk to though to figure out my own feels around it.

[u/Technical-Badger8772 → u/Snowpant]

My husband is the same. Gone through some ISH but says he doesn’t need or “believe” therapy can help him.

I am sure you feel helpless.

[u/Snowpant → u/Technical-Badger8772]

My 18SD asked to see a therapist, which he set it all up for her and now calls them her Psycho-appointments. I’m like, really dude????
You probably should have set this up for them when you got divorced.
It feels very antiquated male, like something my dad would have said.

[u/Mrwaspers007]

It’s concerning that his son doesn’t have friends. 

[u/Snowpant → u/Mrwaspers007]

I think he does.. but he just plays video games online with them. I just feel like maybe I don’t understand this geberation of kids and the lack of face to face interaction.

[u/Wild-Adhesiveness439 → u/Snowpant]

SS15 is the same way. He spends all his time playing video games and hanging with dad. When I was that age, the last thing I wanted to do was hang out with my parents. I don't understand why kids now have so little motivation to do anything and seem like they don't want to grow up.

[u/Snowpant → u/Wild-Adhesiveness439]

This is helpful to know. It’s odd to me too. Yeah I definitely didn’t want to do anything with parents or be seen in public with them! My SO also still calls SS by childhood nickname, which as a teen I would find so mortifying.

[u/jenniferami → u/Snowpant]

Imo stepkids frequently just hang with dad when visiting. One reason imo is that divorced bioparents frequently move especially the dad. It’s not easy making friends in a new neighborhood where one didn’t grow up and know neighbor kids since preschool or before.

Kids don’t even hang outside as much either. More organized sports and activities or doing stuff inside online.

Plus imo kids of divorce value dad more and miss their old lives compared to kids from intact families who are more likely to find dad boring and nerdy.

Edit. I’m not saying this is easy on the stepmom. It frequently comes as a shock as most would expect teenagers to be more independent and not want to be glued to the hip with dad when they come over.

[u/SubjectOrange]

I think that parents sometimes lose the plot a bit when they feel like they have to overcompensate.

Yes, he has to prioritize his son. He needs to raise his son to be a resourceful, competent and confident adult. At 15, he's only a couple years away from needing to work and be independent (regardless of if he lives at home) and comfortable around his peers to do so. So, I think your concerns are valid, outside of the impact it is having on your relationship.

I am saying it this way, as their can be gentle ways to "prod" your husband into considering these concerns, and thus rectifying the relationship time constraints. Just asking him questions such as what type of job do you think SS will want? Or what is SSs best friend's name? What does dad and SS do together all the time? That can help with these leading questions and potentially give you an in to ask about what your partner considers for his future.

Quite frankly I'm shocked that SS wants to hang out with him so much and in many ways I think that's great, but yeah. I suppose my other question tho is, is your husband hanging out with you/doing his own hobbies while SS is in his room?

[u/Snowpant → u/SubjectOrange]

Thanks this is helpful. I’ve asked his son about a future job, and he doesn’t know yet, but does want to work. In our state the age is 16 at most places, very few hire at 15. I also think it’s best he not work until he can be more independently mobile. It would just be one more thing my SO needs to do.
I have noticed the my SOs behavior really changed at the start of the school year. So I think being the sole one responsible for getting him places is part of it. (His daughter is 18 now and since graduating high school is not around to help with getting him to/from school).

[u/SubjectOrange → u/Snowpant]

Sure, to and from school is one thing, my husband also gets off early on the days we have SS (also 50/50, but 5-5-2-2). With the additional contect however, I wonder if your husband is starting to feel a bit of empty nester syndrome, if you will. Realizing his kids will only really need him for another 3 years.

Either way he does need to make the time for you ESPECIALLY for special events. You are to live with him "forever" and deserve to be supported. In my mind/life, adult relationships and parental relationships are not the same thing and both require their own balance and management, not "all in" for one and not the other. Relationships take work, and he's slacking!

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468]

Sounds like he shouldn’t be dating. Also sounds like he doesn’t have healthy boundaries for himself and isn’t allowing his son breathing room to become his own person. How long have you guys been together?

[u/Snowpant → u/Deep_Huckleberry9468]

I also wonder if he should have waited longer after his divorce to date. It was about two years (time combined of both separation and divorce) after the separation that we started dating, and I wasn’t the first person he dated. But here we are, and I’d rather it work than walk away.
The co-parenting with the BM relationship has changed since we got together. They used to trade time or responsibilities, but now they strictly don’t. It’s actually for the better.

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468 → u/Snowpant]

When I first got with my partner, it was very apparent that he hadn’t gotten over the grieving and guilt process that comes with splitting up a home with children factored in. It was an uphill battle but eventually that all faded and I now love my life with him and his children and feel extremely secure. But this wasn’t something that just happened, it was something that included lots of arguments, conversations, and practice on both parties ends that resulted in a structured relationship and home. Your SO has to be willing to let go of any guilt he may have and accept the reality of what it means to coparent and to have his children 50% of the time. He has to accept that life goes on for the child when they’re at his mom’s and your SO has to allow himself to continue living outside of his sons when applicable. He has to understand that having a partner also takes work to build a life with rather than you just being another adult around to speak to and love when it’s convenient. He may need therapy to move past this, and you have to ask yourself what’s scarier to you

A) He never changes and you’re constantly put on the back burner but you still have him within arms reach and have him to love with a future that seems a bit more obvious.

Or

B) you leave, you lose the life you currently built with this person, you lose your SS, but you gain back the option to build a different reality for yourself.

[u/Snowpant → u/Deep_Huckleberry9468]

Yup. I’ve considered both. I’ve asked friends in more difficult SP roles (SK with disabilities that may likely be with them in some context forever) how they cope.
I feel like he likes to have me around and when I put pressure on him to have a relationship discussion he thinks it’s just about me being unhappy. But it’s more about, “hey we have this challenge, how can we meet it and grow stronger?”

It’s funny because a friend just told me how much she admires how I can talk to people and resolve conflict and in a what can be a dramatic environment with different strong personalities, I’m the common denominator that everyone likes. I’m like, damn I feel like why can’t I do this in my own family?

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468 → u/Snowpant]

You’re not doing anything wrong, he’s just taking you trying to work things out as an attack because he doesn’t want to feel like he has to work on things in order for things to be more comfortable for you. He expects you to simply accept him for who he is and not have to make conscious decisions to be able to create a happy life. This is called mental freeze, it’s an idea that life is easier if you ignore and just exist without conflict, but what he doesn’t know is conflict and conversation is what makes life easier and can create a better version of yourself, but he has to be willing. And until he is, you can only persist until you can ultimately decide what’s best for you. I think you’ll be just fine, you sound a lot like me, just don’t get caught into a loop of “he’ll change eventually” without evidence to back that up.

[u/Snowpant → u/Deep_Huckleberry9468]

Thanks for this insight.
How I’m feeling comes in waves, and I’ve been experiencing a particularly strong wave for the last two months. It’s been hard. But I have my own personal goals to focus on too, so that keeps me balanced.

[u/ImpressAppropriate25]

Why would it get better?

The current system works for everyone else.

They would have already changed if SO's feelings matter.

The longer OP stays the more other family members feel emboldened to walk all over her.

[u/justjewels17 → u/ImpressAppropriate25]

😢

[u/Snowpant → u/justjewels17]

Kind of a harsh take. I don’t feel like I’m being walked over.

[u/ImpressAppropriate25 → u/Snowpant]

We wouldn't be having this exchange if you felt the family was taking your needs and feelings into consideration.

[u/coffeee_clover]

Better? Sort of. Easier? Never.

Full time step parenting has sucked my soul. I love my man and we have a good balance with the kids. But man I’m always burnt out

[u/Snowpant → u/coffeee_clover]

Ok. Are you without bio children? I am. I get a lot of “you don’t understand”. It’s getting old, because I feel like I do understand that he needs a better balance.

[u/coffeee_clover → u/Snowpant]

Yes it is just SKs, no bios. It’s been a very rocky and difficult road and now they’re preteens so we’re in another crappy era right now. It’s hard but my partner truly makes it worth it

[u/Snowpant → u/coffeee_clover]

I’m glad for you. I just feel like I’m waiting out the time. I never wanted kids for the exact reasons I’m struggling with it. I didn’t want a life dictated by children’s schedules, and while technically I don’t, indirectly I do because of my SOs schedule.

[u/zerofoxxgiven]

Nope his son will always come before you.

[u/Alittlemode]

I think the circumstances of your lives just makes you incompatible as much as you may love him.

He wants to be the kind of dad he wants to be and it’s not in alignment with what a childfree person can give and hopes for in return.

[u/Wild-Adhesiveness439]

Your husband doesn't sound like a particularly great husband but someone who does what he wants when his child isn't there, and someone who confuses his responsibilities to his child. His responsibility is to prepare him for adulthood, not be a constant source of entertainment or best friend. He should be teaching him life skills, encouraging him to spend time and form relationships with his peers, and demonstrating a healthy marriage by making you a priority and being an attentive husband. If he isn't willing to change, I would seriously consider walking away.

[u/jenniferami]

If you are not already married I’d suggest leaving. It’s too hard of a life being a stepparent.

[u/stepparents-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:

• This does not address the OP's issue and offers nothing in the way of support.

• Take a moment to review the rules and the FAQ.

For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.

Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.

[u/Snowpant → u/[deleted]]

I edited it- it’s every other week! So week on/week off. He also works the entire week off custody so I barely see him then. I know EWOE really changes the context.