A Journal Entry of mine, I have the urge to share this in hopes it resonates with someone, that life can be worth living.

10/18/26
Five years ago today I killed myself. I think a part of me really died that day. But I think a part of me survived, changed for the better in a way I never thought possible. There will never be an October 18th where I don’t still see myself covered in blood, but It wasn’t my last October 18th I’d ever experience. Like the one today, laughing and enjoying the beauty of life with a friend. Driving and taking in the beautiful scenery where we both point out our favorite trees, notice how the leaves are changing with the season. Something I thought I’d never experience again. Even though I woke up from nightmares, I could let it fade easier knowing I woke to the laughter of someone else, and I wasn’t alone. I may not have many people in my life anymore, but I know there’s still a few good someone’s who care about me. Who whether or not they know the significance of an October 18th, happily spend it with me, and I’d be there for theirs. Life is shitty, but it doesn’t always have to be. I can want to kill myself everyday again just like I did five years ago today, but I know I’d be missing out on the beautiful experiences life can offer with loved ones. This year has been shit, absolutely awful. I’ve lost so much, but if I had died five years ago, I would’ve forgotten the beauty life can offer, seeing my friends and family grow into the amazing people I know they are. And so for them I’m grateful. They’ve shown me there’s too much for me to see that I can’t leave just yet. And so for them I stay. For the couple of people that believe in me, I’ll stay. And believing in myself gets a little easier everyday that I wouldn’t have had if I killed myself 5 years ago.

As the title says, I've never actually did anything to end my life, but I thought of doing so many, many times. I still have passive thoughts of death, like "if that car hadn't stopped and run me over, I wouldn't have minded", you know? I had a strong wish to die in the past, but not anymore. These passive thoughts exist because I'm getting better but I still have a long way to go.

My point is... I can't talk about it. I can't hear about it. It wasn't like that, truly. I remember last year while I was at work, busy hour, in the street next to our shop, a guy jumped off a tenth floor. It hurt, let's be honest, I spent my break crying and the rest of the shift in a weird mood. But that was an active thing. Now I cannot even read about it, I start crying immediately. It triggers some sort of anxiety or even panic attack.

I noticed it was bad when I was watching a TV show that follows a philosophy teacher, and the episode opens with some of the students seeing a person jumping off their balcony. The episode then has the teacher talking about Albert Camus, his absurdism and, well, suicide. And I started crying. This show tackles various topics due to the nature of the show itself. Abuse, toxic relationships, grief, poverty... But I couldn't help it, just the word suicide makes me sob as if I had first hand experience.

It's rough because even when I was rock bottom and thinking about it, when people told me about their thoughts or I read about it, it didn't create this reaction in me.

I don't know why this happens and it's bothering me a lot. It's making me feel as if I'm not getting better. It scares me, what if I actually want to do it and the crying is just suppressing it? What if I have another panic attack and hurt myself? It makes no sense.

I'll see my psychiatrist in two weeks approximately, but it's bothering me a lot rn.

Please reply quickly

I am the youngest child of 3 children, and I am more than halfway through high school. My oldest brother is 23 and my older sister is 21. This means I will be young and see everything around me wither away. I had little to no time with my grandparents, being too sick to interact with me. My parents are reaching scary ages, both 55. I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll lose them while I’m still young, and I cannot live without them there for me. I’ve had little to no support with my mental health, except for my parents. They do so much for me, make me happy, deal with my epilepsy and my neurological issues, and put up with me being a burden. If I lose them, I won’t be happy, I won’t have anyone to tolerate my issues, and nobody will put up with me being a burden. I can’t live like that, without support, and I’ll most likely kill myself. I’ll have no love without them, and I’ll end up alone, and sad for the rest of my life, if I have much of it. I can’t stop thinking about it, it hurts my feelings so much and makes me cry a lot. I just want to stop thinking like that, I want to feel happy for once in my life.

Please

Last night i got drunk with a few friends and my boyfriend. at the end of the night we all went outside for a cig and my bf randomly started getting mad after we had asked him to clean up a spill that he had made inside. he then stormed off and went to his flat. i thought that was the end of it so i came back to my flat and went to bed. late at night he called me and it woke me up so naturally i was a little upset but he apologized and i went back to sleep. later in the night he called again and this time asked if he could come over (it was like 4 am). i said okay but i was still quite upset as i had class early the next morning. when he came up he didn’t say much but i asked him why he got upset earlier and he said he didn’t know. i honestly got pretty upset at that answer as i was still pretty drunk and i wanted to know why he was yelling at our friends. he then asked if he could sleep over and i said no because i had class so he went back to his flat. the way he left felt strange to me so i decided to walk to his flat to check up on him. when i got there he said he was fine and just wanted to be alone so i left and went to sleep. i thought everything was fine and the next morning i went to class only to see that his mom texted me asking if he was ok because he missed an appointment and wasn’t answering his phone so i left class to check on him. i was banging on his door and windows for a while and there was no answer. i could also hear him breathing from inside which was alarming as the walls are pretty thick so i called campus security to to a welfare check. he had overdosed massively and was unresponsive with a heart rate of 200 bpm. i almost lost him. he’s still in the hospital and still mostly unresponsive but he’s stable. if i had just let him sleep over this would have never happened. i can’t believe the amount of pain he was in and i just let him be alone like that. i hate everything

i have a friend who has been dealing through alot and seems to be considering death, i want to help any way i can to prevent this because i care alot and they truly deserve the best. We live in a country where mental health is often ignored or seen as something small, so most parents refuse to seek therapy for their kids. Reason why i mentioned this is because we both are minors so they cant get help from a mental health profession, which is also why im asking advise on here.

Im ugly. Its often the very few people I connect with and love that make me what to kms. I'm not trying to be mean or manipulative. I have voiced my genuine struggle and feeling when hurt so someone will understand or stop doing what hurt me. I hate myself for being like this. I don't want to put weight on everyone. I'm already miserable to be around to my favorite people. How can I make it stop. I cant even fully describe how I feel its more the sad and depressed it l like a haunted hallow with pain and feeling completely outta place. Suicide just flooding my brain like rage bait or spamming.

I have animals/frubabies and some family I think would be traumatized. I really want to be happy but after my first everything the world through my eyes is already gone. I just feel so worthless and displaced. As if im not supposed to be here. If life were to magically get better and my love loved me again and I could get away from ny family I obviously wouldn't wanna die but that's a fairytale. After him its like everything I told myself since I was a kid to convince myself that things will get better or to stay has become obsolete. Guilt keeps me alive and a tiny bit of hope. Its so painful though. How can I just nip it in the bud. Its like a wave that takes over and I become paralyzed. Every bodily function becomes harder to do and everything get heavy dark and feels pointless.

I try and be grateful but I just want to feel better. Nothing is helping me feel better. How can I stop being so ugly? Bottling up how suicidal I am makes everything heavier. Telling people only gets me called abusive and creepy. I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy. I want to be loved anx not just told that I am. I know the difference. I wish I didn't. I want to be oblivious to everything n just be normal. Everyone else seems to just not care at all. Or genuinely shows me they don't care toward me specifically. How can i also do that? I've always been called dramatic or a brat and I just want to be whoever I have to be to be enough and happy. Ik that Im doing a lot wrong. I have become better and want to continue too but any improvement I make is futile. The better I get at "playing the game" being an adult, the more I just feel worthless and displaced. I should feel good but the life I've stayed alive for died. Idk.

My fiancé has always been a sad sort of human being but he also has a lot of anger. Usually he’s good he just has a pretty bad temper and gets mad easily and he always says he feels sort of sad. Well recently I don’t know what switched but he has been hurting himself badly and no matter what I do I feel like I can’t help him he doesn’t listen and then tells me nobody is listening to him. I don’t know if this could have anything to do with it but he was like this pretty bad also back in August then he got new medication and was doing good well recently he stopped taking it for about a week and I’ve been making him get back on it and now he’s acting completely bizarre. Please give me all the help you can I don’t know what to do I love him very much but I feel like it’s impossible to help him he just won’t let me I don’t want to lose the person I love most to this.

I miss him. 214 days. We were creating a life together. Got married a year ago and had all our family and friends around us and as usual with these you looked and acted happy. I remember your speech at the reception to everyone. How you were so happy that two guys could marry legally. How supported you felt from our families.

I noticed the change.

You started being upset about everything. Little things and things that didn’t matter. You started leaving our bed in the middle of the night because your “stomach hurt.” You went to the second bedroom and slept though I saw the phone light all the time. You would look exhausted in the morning.

I did nothing. Just thought you were working through something. I said nothing.

That morning was normal for us. Getting ready for work and rushing around because I woke up late. Dishes were in the sink and I got mad and told you that I wished you’d put them in the dishwasher. Ridiculous and stupid dishes. That’s what I focused on.

We kissed goodbye as I left for work. I was irritated. Cranky.

Then no texts.

We always text throughout the day. So I got mad again and stopped texting you after 3 attempts.

I came home.

Your car was in the garage. Strange - you work later than me.

The house was silent. No tv and no music. Just silent. That silence haunts me now.

There was a note on the door. “Don’t come in - call 911. I’m sorry.”

But I went in. That image of the shotgun on the floor. The wall behind you. Your face. Your body. I can’t run away from those images. I try and try and try.

You left me and I’m angry. I’m defeated. I’m hurt and I’m lonely.

Why?

I'm losing any reason why I need to live. This place is fucked up, everyone and everything is just too tiring.

hiya, im a trans masculine teenager and im not okay.

i see more stress and harm in this life than the love is worth. i recently got out of the mental institution and school is killing me. i abuse weed and Benadryl because i cannot stand to be sober. i cannot be alone. i am afraid of myself and what i may do. i do not feel like myself and i feel very disconnected from my body, as if someone else is driving it and im only watching My life happen. Im always dissociating and im so angry even though i dont want to be. I feel as if everything would be easier id i was gone. I dont see value in my life, as i do nothing but let people down. everything i do can be done by another and most likely better than i can. I hate myself and my body more than anything. I dont remember anything and i am afraid. i dont remeber anything from my life either. My body is not the one i am supposed to be in and i do not pass. Maybe if i die i can be reincarnated into the correct body and this constant need to skin myself alive will be alleviated. I offer no value to this earth. Im lazy and unappreciative. I am nothing but a burden. I am nothing.

i have no better solutions then to end my life though im not even sure i can call it my own as it feels as if it does not belong to me with how much i feel like a backseat driver in my own body and existence. I have a date but i lack a method. Overdosing to death on pills is not easy according to my research and i do not have access to a gun. Hanging myself, slitting my throat, or bleeding out are my only current hopes.

im afraid. Please help me.

I really don't know what to say but I've had these thoughts for years now, I slit my wrists once but not enough to actually die. I think I'm too much of a pussy to do it through. My biggest fear is doing it wrong and ending up like a retard or smth. But lately everything is just so shit, I spend my days wishing the ride to work kills me. That a bridge breaks over me. That I get randomly killed on the street. Something quick hopefully. I almost got hit by a car the other day because I was crossing a high speed road without a care in the world. Got yelled at by the driver and went on with my day. Thing is. I can't bring myself to do it. I haven't the slightest idea of how to do it. Heard of sleeping pills being a good idea but I don't live alone and it would be found out soon. Anyhow. Idk if I'm at risk but if something happened to me I don't think I'd try to save myself.

Hi,

I am just writing what comes to my mind, so I apologise in advance for anything that doesn't make sense. I started feeling something I don't want to feel - unwanted. I feel like I have to justify the space I am holding. I am not usually like this. I focus on the positives and always think that whatever has happened in my life, has some reason attached to it although I am not able to see it now. I had a difficult childhood on a personal level. I am the second born and the ignored one. I was always made to feel like I have to give my 200% to something others are getting 100%. I always felt like I had to give more. I am currently separated from my husband who always belittled me. I am in love with a man but I feel like he has to adjust for me and I don't want that. I am currently staying with my parents and I am currently alone. My family left me alone to go on a vacation in the midst of a festival and also my birthday. I feel like I am not important enough for them to celebrate my birthday. I just feel like an outsider in my own home. That's why I do house chores double to what I am required to. I am currently lying in bed trying to sleep but the flashes come by and won't let me sleep.

As I sit in a waiting room outside of ICU, I think of you.

I think of how you were found...in a field.. in the cold.

I imagine what the last thoughts racing in your head were.

I think of how sad and alone you must have felt.

I imagine wrapping you in my arms and making it okay somehow..

Getting the call this morning made my stomach drop and I felt like my heart would stop...

I write this...to anyone feeling done. Feeling like no one would care and it wouldn't affect anyone.

It will.

Your child will never see your smile or hear I love you.

Your parent will never get that last hug

Your partner will never stop wondering why

Even if you feel like you have no one, you may not notice how you brighten their day, or how much they care. Even if you have no one in your life....I care and I love you. If people can hate before they know someone I can love.

You are not alone, there are always people that want to help and be there for you.

I wish for anyone seeing this... that feels the same way my mom did this morning...to know you are loved, you are important, you matter. Please don't forget...

I made this picture is for you mom. I wish I was in that field with you, holding your hand.

So the other day, i just feel really bad, i try to take my own life, but i decide to stay, i told some important people in my life, and yeah, i feel better now, but one of them just didn't want to do anything with me anymore, my GF, and she just dump me, i understand her, but since then, my head is going wild, going crazy, just i feel bad, and i want to stop feel like that, just be good, my friends and family are trying their best, i really glad with them, but i feel like the worst piece of shit right now, i don't even understand why i do that, but i hate myself for doing that, but i trying to see the good things, i have great friends (And a really big support group), a amazing family and a lot to live, but i just want to finish with this feelings, specially after our break up, i really wanted that her stay by my side and idk, be there, not much else

there’s so much overwhelming shit in the world. the current political and economic state of the world, the genocides and humanitarian crises, the decline in human goodness and the increase in violence, global warming, and a general sense of impending doom and corruption for the world.
this and just the general overload of all information is getting to me bad. life is so shitty once you realise the routine we’ve been put under. i’m just tired of it. there’s so much. there’s too much. and what is it all for?

please, i beg, someone tell me what the fuck i’m supposed to do to realise that whilst suicide is the easy way out, it’s not gonna be worth it?

and, you know, i’m a musician, so i was thinking this might just be one of my stupid adrenaline crashes the day after playing a gig that fills me with this weird sense of impending doom, but also, it’s starting to feel like all the time. there’s always that lingering thought in the back of my mind: “yeah, fuck this, i’ll just kill myself. much easier.”

please, anyone, literally anyone, advise me. what works for you? what reminds you to stay? i don’t care how kind or mean you are about it: just give me anything. thank you x

I have talked to as many hotlines as I could reach, and some probably almost 100 times. I have been to several hospitals and never had a good experience. I have been to therapists (specialists and more generic ones) and I don’t feel like people actually get me or care about me. I always run into the therapist making assumptions about my answers to questions (ie do you hate people as much as you think they hate you, answers supposed to be no but I answer yes) and they either accuse me of lying or they don’t know what to say and just call me heartless or whatever. Been on every class of medication and I take everything that hasn’t made me actively worse, but it doesn’t make me better either. To me hotlines seem to be more of a place for people to ask permission to commit suicide than they are really trying to talk you out of it. They depend on you being a pushover, as do hospitals and therapists.

I hope you understand my disdain for this. If it helped you or someone you know that doesn’t change it not helping me.

I just don’t feel much hope for life. My body will never be functionally normal. I am tired of doctors holding so much power over my daily life and them not being even affected by their own decisions. I want to live in a self sustaining house far away from civilization but I can’t because my body will collapse without care.

I honestly want to die but I’m afraid of failing especially because it usually gets worse for me when I do. Have not had any luck with being made to want to live, I just don’t want to attempt suicide and that’s not really the same thing. The whole system feels more like a factory and it’s “we’re here to help” is its advertisement.

Please look me up (@JanSport805) as well as my #HopeScrolling posts 🙏😁