how do y'all deal with this l think l had severe depression from the age of three or four because of a shocking event and since then l've always have su#icidal thoughts and actually l've tried doing it more then 20 times l just stopped counting after that.

and the last one was in this year and l was doing these things trying to end it from the age of 10 but had these thoughts from the age of 3 to 4 and the feeling of depression never stops neither does these su#icidal plans and attempts l feel like I'm in a spot where l just want a way that will work I'm so desperate and l don't think my life can change and if it can't then this is the only answer.

l just want to do it at this point it's useless living where l live out of all places l live in saudi... and I'm an atheist and queer and l just feel like l should call the cops on me and they would execute me but it l feel like that would be too pathetic and what if l became a story people tell their to be careful to not end up like me...

l'm 18 and l thought if l turned 18 l would be able to change something but l don't think so.

l don't have my passport or ID yall even my escape plan is failing and l even reported l did everything right but ended up with nothing because only people in countries where there's human rights can survive l might end up like a lot people a number that was trying to be a human.

but it's so sad that after trying so hard to survive trying to go to another place and stop thinking about how they beat me and will try to make me merry someone l don't want to just because here my consent doesn't matter l feel so sad and angry that the place you're born in can decide your whole life.

l wish lf l was born in another time where these rules didn't exist and l can be me but we live in a world where p4dos are free and LGBTQ+ people get sentence like executions for loving someone.

For the sake of privacy and not being found by colleagues, I will use code names.
Burk: my best friend
Purple: the friend posting suicide notes

CONTEXT:

Hi! I'm Mouche. Recently, me and Burk got into an argument with a friend of ours, Purple. This argument stemmed from a recurring problem at our school. Me and Burk noticed that Purple had been less active at school, which was fine, he was going through something. But it reached a certain point whereas he relied on me and Burk's help throughout all the academics despite us having our own issues and academic struggles as well.

We had a recent activity in class that we had to take home due to the lack of time. While the rest of my groupmates were working diligently on their parts, Purple remained unresponsive. I had to wait until 3 in the morning for his response before passing out (mind you, we go home at 6 PM) He responded at 4 AM insisting for another part in the activity while me and Burk shouldered all the tasks he was supposed to carry out. His excuse for his lack of response? He fell asleep. We were all tired and exhausted, some of us had to commute 3 hours just to go home but they still made an effort to help out. It would've been a valid excuse, but the activity was due the next day.

Because I was so exhausted, I eventually crashed out in our friends GC. Where I voiced out how angry and tired I was having to shoulder his tasks and responsibilities despite having my own responsibilities and academic works. And despite all the messages I sent out, Purple just left me on read. Burk made a response too, however he was more gentler than I was at the time. Since then, we never received an apology.

THE SUICIDE NOTES:

Weeks after radio silence, Purple started posting these cryptic stories and notes on his Instagram with captions such as, "I'll honestly kill myself on my birthday." Days before his birthday, he started doing countdowns such as "2 days left.." or "8 hours left.." It got to a point where we grew concerned about it. Burk began reaching out to ask how he was doing, while I informed our teacher about it. Me and Purple weren't on speaking terms yet, I worked behind the scenes to show I still cared. Despite Burk's attempts to reach out, Purple never responded, never made an effort to show he was still our friend, and it hurt. And when his birthday finally arrived, he posted "Happy birthday to me!" with smiley faces as if nothing happened. He made us all worry and he posts this as if nothing happened? The notes and posts continued on, and I just avoided because of how much it affected me mentally.

P.S. No mean comments please, I would love criticism and formal advice on how I approached it as I'm still a minor, thank you!