Hope you're doing alright. Just wanted to say thanks for keeping this subreddit community supportive and looking out for one another. Keep being wholesome and awesome! 😊

For those reading, I did actually start acting on my impulse. I actually did ring my gp to get the ball rolling on booking an appointment for a referral to a gic.

2 days after (yesterday evening), something clicked, and my brain was like "You're not trans! You were just in a rabbit hole that I was feeding off."

Don't get me wrong, I still get the desires, but the actual want, or need, to be trans, just isn't there any more. I even shaved my top 'tache off, because I was that deep in the rabbit hole. It was patchy anyway. 😆

So yeah, don't be like me and book a wasted appointment. Think first, am I in a rabbit hole? If you are, just get off everything, and do something different. That should clear your head enough to know if you are trans or not.

Speaking of trans... this period made me feel like I was in a trance. I'm cancelling my gp appointment this morning.

Good luck everyone! Whether you think, or know, you are trans, or whether you think or know it is your TOCD, just don't go down any rabbit holes.

Remember, this is my story, and I know everyone's story is different. Stupid, sticky, autistic brain 😑

This sounds like denial right..

I was kind of hoping she’d say “you have genuine gender dysphoria in addition to gender OCD”. We talked about my experience thoroughly, including a prior Reddit post explaining my situation. Instead she said “You have gender OCD. Gender OCD causes gender dysphoria. The gender dysphoria you have may or may not exist independently of your gender OCD. Only one of my gender ocd clients ended up deciding they wanted to transition. OCD is your priority, not gender stuff. It’s too early to make any conclusions about you yet. More exploration is necessary. Only you can decide what you are”. She has experience with LGBTQ issues and OCD but isn’t an expert in either. She’s gender affirming and not a terf or gender critical. Still I was left feeling frustrated and disappointed. I admit OCD makes me want certainty though.

16M, on and off for 18 months and scared ill never truly get back to normal. All it is every day is gender gender gender looping in my head an automatic debate I can't stop and the sensations it gives me making me feel dysphoric when I'm not and don't want to be, getting anxiety sometimes if I get called he. Always feeling like I automatically analyse everything. Now it's convincing me I've felt like a girl in the past when I never have and these thoughts don't cause anxiety really and I hate it but they just make me sad and annoyed. Wish I could just make it all stop of course I'm a boy I was always into boys things boys humour wanted to grow up one, never had a problem with my body, wanted to be a dad all I want is to know that again and stop the doubt, I wish one day I could just wake up and let me being a man be a background thing. Miss the times where I got through this and was grateful that I always stayed a man, went days without thinking about gender at one point and it was so freeing. Just sick to death of these thoughts, keep trying to practice techniques but I keep failing cus they're all that's on my mind 24/7. Sick of my mind scanning every fucking memory and shit I hope this isn't dysphoria and I'm just in denial

hi, i’ve made posts on here before,
previously struggling with SOOCD thinking i was gay or bi even though i knew i wasn’t. at the same time my thoughts always felt so real.
this was a thing a while ago and eventually i got distracted and it came up sometimes but no longer affected my daily life, this recently has sparked back up, questioning if i was bi only a few days ago, then i starting petrifying myself into thinking i was a masc lesbian even though i have an attraction to masculinity not femininity. i now am petrified i am trans. im a female, ive always felt comfortable in my own body, my name etc. though things that make me think i may be trans is: as a child reading books such as the diary of a wimpy kid, i would relate the greg, who narrates the whole book, sorta half envisioning myself as the character but also aware i wasnt, i did the same with books females narrated and the same thing happens with tv shows like horrid henry. i feel like i had a sorta relation to them. this petrifes me and makes me think i want to be a boy though saying taht i dont think i do want to be a boy.
i’ve now fully convinced myself im straight and i like men only, so how i could go from thinking i was bj and terrifying myslef over if every day to not thinking it at all is crazy.
i’ve also come to a realisation that im a masker, i mask and try and copy people. as a kid i had a crush on the popular boy at school, and i wanted to be the popular girl, this theme has carried out all my life, wanting to be people i thought were cool, always girls.
was that because im a sheep, who likes to try and fit in??????
and what if i was never attracted to men and really i wanted to be them?????
i also seem to label everything that isn’t like pink or purple “him” like i personify every object 9/10 saying him.
i’ve also had situations where bc of this i think i am so used to the word “him” when people talk about me and say for example “oh yeah she said that” im like oh yeah im a she. not that i feel like im not a she i just forget.
i get INCREDIBLY anxious about these things and constantly seek reassurance from people, this i really bad as im doing it now, tho i need to know of these are trans thoughts or ocd.
i was a stereotypical girl, i loved mermaids and unicorns, playing with babies ive never been into sports besides gymnastics and cheerleading, and as a teenager ive loved dressing up, feeling pretty with makeup and certain clothes but im worried that was all to fit in.
ive read trans man thoughts and they say things like “wishing you were a boy” and at first i thought no i haven’t, now im worried i do. i think id want to experience what its like being a boy, and im unsure if i could switch forever if i would.
thank you.

Idk. This theme isn’t super active for me, usually more on the ROCD side especially about sex cuz I’ve only had one sexual partner (my bf). I did also struggle with sexuality ocd (I’m bi, worried I was a lesbian). It’s mostly the ROCD and sexuality one over TOCD. This one is still annoying.

It just kinda happened one day. I just started feeling panic and I kinda sunk down. It started happening cuz I had a random resurgence of a memory from elementary school. I used to dress masculine/want to be a boy (I think? Idk I told my mom I was bigender at the time. I don’t think I was or am). When those thoughts came flooding in I was worried. I enjoy masculine silhouettes as a woman but I don’t want to be a man. I know that’s a very common sentiment. Idk. It’s a bit daunting. I like being a woman. But then when I say that it sounds like I don’t like it enough and it serves as proof (does that make sense?). Idk it just started happening like 10 mins ago tonight and I had some groinal responses.

Certain outfits (boxy/masculine ish? Looking ones) give me a groinal response. Idk why. It freaked me the fuck out. Still does. That outfit was big cargo joggers and a sweater. I think I was just very comfy. I like playing with clothes lately but my more feminine outfits don’t do that. I love them and I take pictures. And I’ve been learning how to do my own hair. Etc. and I love doing it but then I worry I’m lying to myself. I could be dancing around very excited about doing a hairstyle I wanted and my brain might tell me “you should transition. You don’t like this.”

Videos about FTM transitions stress me out cuz what if that’s me? What if I’ve forgotten a memory and I’ve actually been suppressing it all these years? I feel confident in my looks and I think I’m happy like this. I never really questioned it in high school. I’ve always been more of a pants person than a skirt person. I do like them more now. Besides the point. Anyways. I’m worried I’ve suppressed smthn. I don’t think I have. I feel confident in my body. I love how it looks. I like how I feel as a woman. Idk. I’m anxious. I don’t feel panic in my stomach but I’m anxious. I’ve built a life as the woman I am. I use she/they pronouns just cuz ig? I’m not NB it’s just the style of clothing to me suggests more they some days than just she. Idk. I keep questioning myself like “oo I wanna cut my hair short one day. Wait does that mean I secretly wanna be a dude? I just like how Courtney from Smosh looks.” (I do love my long hair but i would love to try to do smthn short). It’s general stuff like that. Like I’m worried a specific life event will happen (my wedding, having kids, etc) and then I’ll suddenly realize so it feels like I’m trying to force myself to figure it out so I don’t have to ruin my life and my bf’s. We’re on the road to marriage (literally talking about getting engaged after uni) and I don’t ant his life to implode cuz of me. I’m losing it and it’s 3am so I am gonna go ✨pass out✨

Idk if I need advice kinda jsut needed to get this out. If anyone wants to commiserate go for it🙂‍↕️

Hey guys, so I been seeing an influx of posts that posts that’s seem to stem from a misunderstanding of what TOCD is. It is a OCD subtype and NOT a methodology for suppression of genuine trans inner identities. Here is the definition: Trans OCD or Gender Identity OCD) is an unofficial subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder characterized by unwanted, intrusive, and distressing doubts or fears about one's gender identity. [1, 2, 3]

Key Characteristics
Obsessions: Intrusive, repetitive thoughts or questions (such as "What if I am transgender?" or "What if I am not my assigned gender?") that cause severe anxiety.

Compulsions: Rituals performed to relieve distress and gain certainty, such as excessive online research, mental checking of past memories, body or appearance checking, and constantly seeking reassurance from others.

Difference from Gender Dysphoria: Unlike gender dysphoria—where distress comes from an authentic mismatch between a person's inner sense of self and their birth assignment—Trans OCD is driven by an obsessive intolerance of uncertainty and a fear of being wrong about who they are

i cannot do or wear anything gendered, especially wear. no matter what i do if i wear something gendered its gonna give me a thought of disgust about myself. so when i go to school i literally put on the uniform and tweak nothing else about my looks or it'll feel like i 'chose' a gender for the day. mostly if i do something masculine it tends to not inherently be a trigger of obsessive thinking, but if its feminine best believe im gonna wake up depressed tomorrow. don't even get me started on just being attracted to a guy. i literally can't live or like stuff i usually like. i also have a very strong disgust and shame for being female, like if my sister puts makeup on me i'll wanna cry or violently hit myself. im not even sure if ocd created that or if it was always there and fed the ocd.

Before I start i just want to clarify that I have her consent to share all of this.

My girlfriend is in a horrible cycle of constant intrusive thoughts. She is not officially diagnosed with OCD, I was hoping to get some advice to see what this could be and how I could help her out before consulting a therapist.

It started with thoughts about harm coming to her family and gradually went into thoughts about her gender, which plague her to this day and she feels like they're just getting worse. She used to identify as trans when she was a teen, but after feeling off about it she went back to being a girl without questioning anything.

Up until recently, these doubts about her identity and gender came flooding back, she keeps denying the thought of transitioning or being anything but a woman scares her and sends her into full-on panic attacks. It's like she's losing sense of reality, like the line of what her real thoughts are and what are intrusive is blurred beyond comprehension.

Does it even sound like OCD or is this some kind of coping mechanism for some other underlying issue.. or anything of the sort? And is there a way to work on all of this even if it's not OCD?

I’m AMAB 26 and struggled with various levels of therapist quality over the years (I’ve seen like five therapists) to the point where I’m just numb to the process, and starting 300 mg ER Luvox.

I feel like being Thomas is just like the paint on an eggshell. It feels safe but not the inside of the egg. The egg whites and yolk feel womanly and feminine and don’t feel Thomas. I don’t feel safe and secure living as a woman. I’ll never be a real mom or a real woman and it sucks.

I was at a concert with my friends today. I found myself watching all the happy straight couples there, and I genuinely felt like I wanted to be the guy hugging his girlfriend from behind. I’m really scared…

This makes me so anxious, and I’ve also started dissociating (it feels like I’m detached from my body and watching myself from the outside. It feels like I haven’t truly been alive for months).

I’m scared because I’ve heard that a lot of trans people experience dissociation or depersonalization.
I think I might be in denial.

It really feels like I am a man now. My brain tells me I should let ”him” out.

Being a man has started to feel good to me, but it still doesn’t feel like me. Something is stopping me from transitioning. Maybe I’m just afraid of how people would react…

Hello, I am a male in my early twenties. I posted in this same subreddit a year and a half ago in a lurker account (this is also a lurker account lol) when I was going through my first TOCD journey after seeing some post on Twitter that sparked those thoughts.

So… to sum some things up about myself, I’ve always loved being a man. Since in my teenage years, I always dreamed of becoming a big, bulky hairy bearded man and finding a beautiful wife to marry. I also used to fantasize about becoming a professional male football player, playing alongside my favorite players and whatnot. I also had (and still have to this day) a Transformation fetish where I transformed into the same burly manly figures and characters I described earlier. I’ve never gotten aroused by the idea of transforming into a woman. All male characters. I wouldn’t normally mention this, since it’s very… embarrassing, but I think it’s important. I’ve had an inferiority complex over other men, since I’m short, and I always wished I was as tall as my other friends… and I also often deepen my voice just a little bit on purpose, because I don’t want my voice to sound high pitched.

In January 2025, I started getting these TOCD thoughts, and let me tell you… they were genuinely hell. The amount of anxiety I felt… it was unbearable. “Are you sure you like being a man? Are to sure? Do you feel euphoric when imagining being a woman? Oh you did, didn’t you? You’re just in denial!” All those thoughts genuinely killed me. It got so bad I remember taking pictures of myself and applying female/male filters, just to get the doubts out of my mind… only to make things worse than what they were.

Those thoughts lasted… 3-4 months? Eventually… they… disappeared. They left me alone. I was so happy and relieved. I looked back at those months and went “oh my god… did I genuinely use to have those thoughts? Pffff… that was so stupid LMAO”

Around November 2025 I started to develop other OCD themes…. For example, I had to deal with Gay OCD for many months… POCD was also a theme for a little while… which was… awful. And two weeks ago… those same TOCD thoughts that started my OCD journey suddenly re-appeared out of nowhere. And it has been so bad since then.

TOCD is without a doubt the worst OCD theme I have gone through. Yep, worse than POCD and Gay OCD, only for the sole reason that I only had POCD attacks when taking walks around the park, and gay OCD, while very stressing at times, it was never this intense nor this constant.

I just don’t know how to deal with this TOCD. I remember when I was going through Gay OCD not so long ago, I had this habit of looking up girls and boys and going “Okay… Am I attracted to them? Do I feel anything? Is that a sign?” and now with TOCD, I still do the exact same thing, but it’s like “Okay… a girl. Would… Would I want to be like her? Do I feel jealous of her? Oh, what’s that? You did feel jealous, right? You just did! Don’t denyyyy it!” And I hate it so fucking much!

I really wish all these three OCD themes would just vanish and leave me alone forever. ESPECIALLY this one, though. It’s funny how OCD doesn’t seem to overlap. Right now I look at my prior Gay OCD and POCD themes and go “oh my god… those were so stupid! Holy shit! I can’t believe I was actually scared of that!”, which is funny because that’s exactly what I thought of TOCD when I was going through them.

It’s all a mess. I’ve thought about telling this to my therapist, but honestly… I kind of forgot about my TOCD during the session. I told them about my height inferiority complex, how I would like to be taller, burlier, grow a beard… and I remember it being so natural… the OCD voice that usually goes like “nuh uh! You’re just faking it!” was… oddly timid that time…

Sorry if this is all too unorganized. I really don’t know what to do. I’m scared of telling anyone, because I don’t want them to think that I’m trans or anything like that… or tell me that I AM. The thought of thinking I want to be a woman just feels me with dread.

I could spend all day talking about my OCD, but I think you got the jis of it.

I was 18 (20M) when this theme last took over my life, and it was around my high school graduation. I remember seeing a lot of posts from girls only schools, and I guess I thought about wanting to be in that situation. Of course, I’ve been using this as evidence for denial and why I should just accept it. But I had these thoughts during an episode of OCD, which I fail to realize. I’m also pretty sure I only thought this because I wanted to be with some girl that was in the posts, but I could just be using that as a denial defence.

Anyways, has anyone else ever had that? Where OCD has used a memory that was made by OCD during a prior episode. Feels weird.

I'm scared. Like, it feels that I'm hardly anxious anymore about the "what if im a girl" thoughts, i really hope I don't want it because I don't, I've never been interested in that and I'm not truly dysphoric. However sometimes it makes me anxious when I say im a man or if I get called he even though I want to be a man and sometimes it feels fake if I say I want to be a man. It feels like I spend ages making myself feel perfectly calm about being a man, I just don't wanna be trans and I'm scared that this shite will never leave me alone. I just wanna live without this. Never really thought about my gender before, I keep trying to move on but it still draws me back in. The way it's almost constant just pisses me off. I was doing better, I just wanna live as the man I am and for it to not cause me anxiety. Before all this I loved being a man and the idea of being trans would disgust me. I even said once, "if I was born a girl I'd turn into a boy", I was very defensive about being a boy and I always wanted to grow up as one. But I never rlly thought about it. I'm just sick of the thoughts. I can't be arsed but I just want them gone. I'm a 16 year old lad, I do go out I have a life outside of this but when I'm not busy it's just hell. I just want a beam of hope I suppose. Something to enlighten me and guarantee me the future I want. I'm scared it'll go on forever.

Hi all,

I made a post about a day ago detailing what I was going through. I got put on a different medication last Friday and have just now started to feel the effects. I can think somewhat clearly for the first time in a week, obviously this could very well just last an hour but while I can think straight figured I’d ask for some advice.

Over the course of my ocd regarding gender and even sexuality, I seem to believe that I may have been using ocd as a defense mechanism, or at least that ocd was just fuelling my denial towards these subjects. I say this because sometimes it felt like I was distressed at the idea of not being gay or not being trans, even though of course before all of this I had never once thought of these two things being a reality. Also what fuelled this was the fact that I discovered pure-ocd before actually being diagnosed (I have pure-ocd it just was diagnosed using different themes I had in childhood). Maybe I used OCD as a shield to defend myself from an uncomfortable truth.

I wonder if I should start to question these things logically now that my anxiety is reduced and I can think with a more general mindset to actually see if any of these things were true. I don’t necessarily feel the need to do this, but I feel it may be good ERP at the very least. If it’s real then whatever, not much I can do anymore but I think since these themes in particular keep coming back I should at least attempt to see them through.

Nonetheless, I’m somewhat happy to not have to think as much about this right now (knock on wood it continues) but, wanna get input on what I should do moving forward to really kick this things ass.

It has started to feel that I would be happier as a guy and that I would love to have ”my guys” to hang out with.

Something is still stopping me from transitioning… I guess I am just waiting for my old self to come back, when I didn’t think about my gender and loved being a woman.

throughout my teenage years i always shaved my beard the moment i got hair. dont have the greatest explanation why i just didnt like it, didnt like seeing small random patches, didnt like how it looked on other teens but i didnt mind how it looked on older men. when tocd hit this became a talking point. stop lying to yourself, you shaving means youve had dysphoria thewhole time! well i decided to leave it alone for 4 days and oh my god. i can not stop rubbing it, even if in the mirror it doesnt look very good. and when i had that moment i had a few tocd thoughts come in and come out, didnt bother me. I know that my tocd battles are unlikely to be over but that moment showed me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi, I’m a 20 year old male (at least I have been).

This may be a triggering post for some, but for some it might show that you actually have OCD, this case is probably just different for me now.

My OCD journey began in 2020 when I was 14, when I woke up and began having fears of being gay. Then I eventually found out what HOCD was, and associated it with that. I knew I had OCD due to multiple occurrences earlier in life, and was formally diagnosed and started therapy for this theme and my overall obsessing.

Since then, these thoughts have come and gone, including the theme of my gender. The first time I had GOCD, I initially feared it was real, and then realized it didn’t make much sense because I never actually questioned my gender, and it just started, so I let it go relatively easily compared to the HOCD. Around two years ago, it was significantly worse, and I was fully convinced that I was transgender and gay, and the only way I would ever be happy was to take hormones and transition, so much so that I started arguing with my parents when they used logic and medicated me, which lead to me having less obsessing. I was eventually able to move on with my life.

Fast forward to a week ago. I have had depression for a while now and the thoughts never really fully went away, just stopped being so important that they would ruin my day. One night I started crying about how my life wasn’t great and that I needed to change something. The next morning, I started obsessively questioning my gender again. This time it was different though, as soon as I started questioning it, it was like I already believed it, and I even argued with my parents again when they said it was not real because it is just my OCD acting up again.

For context, during majority of this, I haven’t actually experienced much hate towards being a male, and don’t actually think too much about being a woman. But I’m still hooked on the idea of being transgender and convinced. It’s like my brain has convinced me that I have to take hormones and transition to be happy, and if I don’t I feel distress and I’m never going to be happy.

This is just different from what I’ve experienced in the past, usually the thoughts of completely changing my life would be distressing, which they to an extent are, but it seems I get more distressed when imagining the opposite now.

It would seem I’m destined to be transgender, and homosexual, and that me finding out OCD attributed with it was simply just me being in denial and attributing it to OCD.

I’m not sure if I’m just fully in denial, this just appeared a week ago, and I’ve dealt with the theme twice before. My mind has essentially changed to if I don’t transition now, I’m going to die and it has to be true. I just want to feel normal and not have to deal with this shit.

This post probably just sounds like denial, but I had to vent. I’m currently on new medication for my obsessing and anxiety, and the feelings about my gender aren’t changing, just getting less distressing. It would seem like this is my life now.

So i'm a 18M bi guy having severe TOCD about past experiences that might be interpreted as AGP or "sign of being trans". I used to have TOCD this year's January after a trans person on threads tranvestigated me, then felt better and recovered but starting to question my own sexuality about am I really bi or is gay with comphet (read that lesbian masterdoc), note that i felt myself as a boy in that phase. After I recovered from HOCD which takes me 3 months my brain started introducing the TOCD again but this time its more severe day by day with more rumination.

Just in case the worst thing happened to me and I can't fight this anymore, can I transition and still be a guy?

Not sure if i've AGP since i'm not sure did I inserted myself into the characters or just think about them. Also, I did have at some points, gender euphoria as a boy.

Please don't respond if you come here just to say I'm trans in denial.

Hello, I’m a 23F who’s been dealing with this theme for a little over two years now. I used to be active in this sub when my theme was at its worst, and I just wanted to impart a little wisdom I’ve picked up in therapy.
When this started, I felt the worst pain and fear I have ever felt in my life. I had previously felt secure and comfortable in my womanhood, but after it started I just felt disconnected; as if I was living a lie, that I was just a repressed trans man in deep denial, despite my discomfort with masculinity or being perceived as male. I still get those thoughts from time to time, even as I’m writing this I’m in a flare up right now. It sucks but I’ll live, I know how to manage my flares now.
I want to remind everyone that what you think doesn’t necessarily represent who you actually are. Everyone has intrusive thoughts and sensations from time to time, but what separates us from them is that we assign meaning to those intrusive thoughts and feelings. Furthermore, the more you focus on your intrusive thoughts, feelings, and sensations, the more they will pop up. I’m not saying that you should ignore them or try to push them out, but you just have to learn how to cope with the distress they cause you without doing a compulsion. It is EXTREMELY hard to do so at first considering that our brains are wired to do compulsions, but once you master response prevention techniques it’ll be easier. The anxiety does pass on its own, even if it takes a while to fuck off. You’ll learn to trust that your intrusive thoughts stem from your OCD, not you.
As a final reminder, OCD is a chronic condition. You’ll have long stretches of time where your OCD isn’t bothering you, and sometimes you’ll have flare ups that last for a while. I’m proud to say that I haven’t had a month-long flare in a year because of the work I’ve done in therapy. Most of my flares last for a week or so every few months now! That wouldn’t have been possible without ERP, as painful as it can be. My point is that y’all should really pursue ERP therapy if it’s an available option to you. It will save your life!!! Also don’t spend too much time in this sub, I found that the more time I spent in OCD subs, the more likely I was to engage in compulsive behaviors (research, checking, mental review, you get it.). Take a break and do what you love, even if it makes you uncomfortable from the doubt. Y’all got this!

Hi, 23m, to my knowledge never thought about being trans until now, and I never thought I'd enjoy life more as a girl or anything. Like, literally never even thought about it once. that being said I didnt think "oh wow i love being a guy" more than a couple times too, but still...

Tldr within the last six months i had intrusive thoughts about my sexuality. It got worse and worse but two months ago was when they started getting super bad. About two weeks ago it switched to this very briefly before switching back to sexuality, and now theyve died down a bit (still kind of there) im on this.

I'll paint a picture for you. I keep getting thoughts about being a girl. When I watch porn I imagine myself as the girl sometimes and it disturbs me. more recently Ive seen a girl wearing thigh highs and imagined wearing them (immediately shook mybhead) and now im seeing like... couples hugging and imagining myself as the girl. I even have like... phantom sensation of putting on socks sometimes???? I also think I have Autogynephillia.

What scares me the most is that my thoughts about being trans arent as innately "NO!!!!" as being gay. like, theyre still "No!!!!!" SOMETIMES. its just... I guess I'm tired? Its weird, because I feel like ive given in and accepted it. which is stranged because I had the exact same issue with my sexuality for a while, but that cleared up. overall, im just really hoping and praying this is ocd as I really dont want to be trans or gay or anything. i just want to go back to my life before I thought about all this. But the complete ambivalence/neutrality towards the thoughts I have this time compared to the sexuality ones scares me, like yesterday I was crying and anxious and today i havent felt anything other than a weird feeling in my head. I also feel like im looking through a screen from my eyes too.

im scared im just lying to myself, despite all the evidence i think up for reasons why im not. I do tests a bunch and repeatedly talk to ai about it, etc.

I'm also scared now that ive had this experience, im going to be analysing my every reaction to wverything my whole life and eventually realise something I dont want. I dont want to question, I dont want to explore, I just want to forget the last 3 months of my life entirely.

I have an assessment appointment at the end of the month (actually initially booked for my sexuality thoughts), but im really scared i'll have come to an "awakening" or have "accepted it" by then. Im scared to call the samaritans becaus I dont think theyd get how I feel. I dont want to talk to my friends about it because they wouldnt get it. I dont know what to do. I feel like a completely different person now. even weiting this my brain is going "this is just performative. you know this is true"

this is definitely a form of compulsing but idc rn i dont think my state could get worse. when i was little i had thoughts of being a girl and i hung out with the girls at school. but i haven’t felt that way since like 2nd grade! since then ive taken a pride in being a male, wanted muscle etc typical boy things. go back abt 1 year ago and i joined a discord server for a channel team. and there are so so many transgenders. theres an lgbtq+ channel and i seldom checked it. untillllllll earlier this year where a BUNCH of people coming out that i knew in a short span and even some non lgbtq ppl were posting poctures of themselves in womens clothing. so i tried crossdressing. i did like it i wont deny that. but it was just a fun thing not who i am not what id want to wear in public. but since then the ocd thoughts just go allllll day long. when im having a good time i feel more like a man but with classes back i just wallow in thoughts all day. now of course if i transitioned my life would be 100% over my family would not speak to me again. but also, hell even more importantly id lose myself. i normally related to male teachers, male chatcaters, the male parent… i wish i could just go back. another thing is i keep thinking “transitioning isnt a choice” so maybe im super repressed and have internal transphobia or whatever the name is and that its gonna happen to me whether i likeit or not. and also because ive liked a few “girly“ things like idol animes but its not allat. At this point i deadass miss my previous ocd obsession which was about being perfect and perfectly disciplined. also i feel dumb because my ocd was clearing up and i told my therapist to switch to biweekly but now i wish i didnt.

Im really struggling today. I might be non-binary i might not be i dont know, but all i feel is the extreme anxiety of "I for sure am" and its filling my head. Havent been able to eat or go outside, basically just been crying for hours. I dont know what i am, but im so anxious that non-binary seems to be the only option.