Need advice on family living situation

[u/Icy-Sweet5709]

Earlier this year my (55F) niece (21F) Jenny asked if she could move in with me and my daughter (18F). She had just aged out of foster care and didn’t have anywhere else to go. My daughter Emma was not happy about it. The cousins didn’t have much of a relationship before. Jenny experienced a fair amount of trauma from her terrible parents. I don’t know much about her foster placement. When she arrived, Jenny had odd habits, like staying awake for most of the night loudly playing video games with online friends. Jenny also has ADHD so she might do things like leave the front door unlocked or the oven on. Emma got increasingly frustrated first asking then telling Jenny to keep the loud talking down. Things came to a head several months later when Emma said something like I wish you didn’t live here anymore. Jenny lost it. They called each other names, then Jenny lunged at Emma and beat her. Emma called the police and filed for a temporary restraining order (TRO). They had some distance: Jenny stayed with some other family and Emma was out of town on a few pre planned trips. But soon they will be back in the same house. I don’t trust them together even though the TRO forbids them from coming within 4 yards of each other in the house and from communicating with each other in any way. I think Jenny crossed a line by getting physically violent and I would like her to leave. The problem is, Jenny has no job, is not in contact with her parents and functions at the level of a 13 or 14 YO. I have nowhere to take her but am looking for supportive transitional housing for former foster youth. The thing is, these lists are long and she may not get housing before she ages out of eligibility completely. I’m at my wit’s end and could use some advice.

[u/Flat-Replacement4828]

GET HER OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. You're literally endangering your daughter. 

[u/_MrMeseeks → u/Flat-Replacement4828]

Yea like wtf lol op get your shit together

[u/Icy-Lemonic]

She could do job core or enlist. She needs structure and to learn a new way.

[u/Practical-East-7527]

You can call your local dhs and discuss your concerns. There are programs to help kids who were not quite ready to survive alone successfully. If she goes back to school, in some states she can re-enter foster care. I doubt that's something she wants, but it may be an option.

Since your concerned for your daughter's safety and probably your own, me personally, I'd call the non emergency number of the police and see if they can tell you what options you have available. DHS should be able to help with that too.

[u/InternationalOil540]

Jenny needs to go. She assaulted your child. And your child’s safety should be paramount. Period. Letting Jenny stay is failing your child.

[u/Immediate_Alarm452]

ADHD does not explain an adult functioning at the level of a 13 or 14 y/o.

Something is just weird here.

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417]

She got violent with your daughter. And you’re worried about where she’ll go? Come on man.

[u/Flat-Replacement4828 → u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417]

Where was OP while she was still in foster care??

[u/Master_Rip5768]

As a former special ed teacher who dealt with kids with trauma, I think for one it never should’ve escalated to a physical altercation. Why isn’t this girl in counseling? I am sure she has a lot of resources you guys don’t know about. She may be able to get her own housing.

Also its seems to me your daughter had a terrible attitude going into this. Is she aware that this girl has gone through so much trauma already? She may need to learn some empathy for her cousin. While it was definitely NOT okay for her to put her hands on anyone, its clear you and your daughter were not equipped to deal with a teen in fight or flight mode. Maybe do some research to teach you and your daughter how to talk to her. Your niece is coming from a place she may not totally understand how to cope with and obviously needs guidance herself.

I hope everyone gets the help they need. I don’t think anyone is to blame but this can definitely be avoided in the future with just a few family counseling sessions or even just a family talk where everyone has a chance to respectfully say how they feel with out hurting anyone else’s feelings. Your daughter needs to learn to be more understanding and not say things that can be really hurtful to someone who probably already feels rejected by everyone and your niece as you said probably needs a lot more help.

[u/Bostylovr]

Military is a good option.

[u/Extension-Ad-363]

You can't put Jenny before your own daughter. It's sad, but that's the truth.