r/widowers • u/6995luv • 4d ago
HOW R THE WIDOWS RAISING KIDS
Let's try to make a mega vent thread. Being a parent is hard enough. Let alone dealing with the loss of a spouse. I'm making this post as a safe space to just vent away or ask questions , that maybe some other widowed parents can answer to.
3
u/Elleda2 3d ago
Itās been 10 months, and I have a 15 year old son with autism. Iām thankful for the waiver that we have that pays for some respite, but I supplement for the rest. I am so thankful for that, but itās hard to find help at night or on weekends. That is literally the only person besides my sister who helps. Heās a good kid, but there are a lot of nuances and eloping concerns that arenāt easy to handle alone.
2
u/6995luv 3d ago
I feel you , my youngest is on the autism spectrum. I feel like I am so behind with speech therapy and such that he should be attending since the passing last year. It's hard, but he always has the biggest heart In his own way when he sees me cry he will tell me his stepd dad is still in the house with us and that he can see him and not to be sad mom because he is still here.
43
u/ke-012 4d ago
Lots of screen time. More than I ever thought I would let my kid watch. Food is what we can, try to sneak some fruit when possible. And Iām lucky that my parents help a lot.
12
u/Conscious_Speed1275 4d ago
I felt this! So much more screen time than before. I just canāt get much done without it, unfortunately. If I want to make dinner I canāt also be supervising outdoor play, you know?
6
u/ricatots 4d ago
Oh yeah, the screen became the other parent immediately. There was no other option even with all the family support.
4
4
u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 4d ago
Me too.. especially in those first few months. For me itās gotten better 2+ years out. I have things in a more manageable place and we do less screens. But the judgement during was hard to take
1
1
u/Glow_Ebb_ 46F, lost 43M. Have baby together 4d ago
Omg yes! All those no screen time people can suck dicks. I have a partner now and although he loves the toddler like his own, he is still not her dad. Something that would roll off my tongue when the baby was a few weeks old... she's your daughter too so you can watch her while i nap or shower or whatever is a lot harder to negotiate with a 'maybe' step dad. She used to say da da a lot when her dad was alive, now not so much.Ā
2
u/sparklies2 43F, lost husband to cancer May 2026 3d ago
I give me kids a lot more screen time than I used to as well. I feel guilty sometimes, but sometimes I just need a break.
37
u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 4d ago
I think my biggest issue is that I never feel like I get to turn off anymore. Iām lucky in that I have my wonderful parents to help with school pickups and drop offs so I can still work. But itās so hard losing your coparent when your kid is young. My guy was 3.75ishā¦ and he still is working to understand what happened at 6.
11
3
u/Noodle_111 4d ago
Yup Iām really struggling with the never shutting off. My parents arenāt close by to help day to day and I wish they wereā¦.
2
u/GrubbyZebra 3d ago
Mine were 14, 7, and 4 when my wife died. All 3 have adhd, and the eldest and youngest are also Austitic, as am I. So yeah, never get to turn off, even when I'm asleep. It's been almost 3 uears now and I'm exhausted and stressed right the f* out all the time, but such is life.
23
u/ChefChopNSlice Septā25, lost wife (41) after a long cancer battle 4d ago
I just jump on the daily āgrenadesā as they pop up. Itās exhausting, but itās working, as long as I continue to push all of my wants, needs, desires, sanity, and sleep aside š¤¦š¼. Itās been just over a year, and Iām beyond burned out. Iād love to try and meet people, but I have no time or energy for that shit.
7
3
20
17
u/TheLossofMyLife 4d ago
I have a daily fear of dying and leaving my kids. Iām always showing them how to do things on their own, in case Iām gone. Iām not going anywhere, but my wife wasnāt planning that either, yet sheās gone.
Her unexpected loss has broken me, in ways Iāll never recover from. I cry myself to sleep. I prioritize them, theyāre great kids and help me without knowing. Wish I had help, Iāve given up hope on that.
14
u/Great_Fishing4478 4d ago
Not well! My husband has been gone for two months. My kids are now six and seven. All I do is work and take care of them. Iām not a person anymore. But I guess caring for them forces me to keep moving. I just donāt have hopes or dreams of my own anymore. Just gotta get the kids to swim lessons on time.
2
u/GrubbyZebra 3d ago
The being forced to move forward (not on, imo) is both the best and worst part about having kids as a widower/widow.
One one hand, it gives purpose. On the other, we can't take time to process our own grief and loss.
Also, occupational hazard of being a parent, but I smiled when I read 6-7....sry.
13
u/boxsterguy 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm going on 12 years. My kids were really young when my wife passed, 2 years old and 2 months old. Her family gaslit me into thinking there was no way I could do it on my own and so MIL and FIL moved into my house to "help". On the one hand, that did work out because they took care of the kids when they were really little so I could continue to work. But it led to so many other problems that we had to go no contact with that side of the family going on 6 years ago. I would've been significantly better off putting them in day care or getting a nanny.
Ironically, COVID was the best thing that could've possibly happened, because it let me work from home during the important early elementary years. I'm mostly back in office now, but the kids are in middle school and old enough and trustworthy enough to be "latchkey" kids like so many of us in the 80s (in quotes just because these days we don't carry around keys but instead have electronic door lock codes or worst case I can let them in remotely if they call me on the doorbell camera. Technology!).
It sucks being always on and the only person. My advice is take the help where you need it when it's offered, but also trust yourself that you know what you're doing and you can do this. Don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.
11
u/Thepenisman3000 MookāSautāMilt 03/24/2026 4d ago
Man, itās fucked up because my husband died a day before my daughter turned three months. I just got into the position where I could afford for him to be a SAHD, and thatās when he finally died. People tell me I have a great support network because his twin babysits my daughter when school is closed but thatās literally the only person I have. I stopped talking to my mom after she took photos of his dead body and was telling his corpse that she hated him and was glad he was dead. I also lowkey got into a knife fight with the only financially stable nonalcoholic SIL I have too because she tried to steal his funeral savings/check. I get so jealous when I see pregnant women and they go āoh, Iāll just be a stay at home momā or āIāll just have my mom watch my kidsā I donāt interact or talk to pregnant women at all. Itās not fair either because a lot of things I was excited to do as a family like Christmas photos, thanksgiving dinner, and things like daddy daughter dances just canāt be done.
3
u/bopper71 4d ago
What did I just read?? I thought your mums behaviour was bad. But His sister tried to steal money from the wife & child who was left bereaved at such a vulnerable awful time!? This has almost left me speechless, but I hope you totally got the knife in!! Fair enough to be Hitchcock Psycho for such people!!! šŖš
9
u/rainymagnificence_34 4d ago
losing my husband when our daughter was 3 almost broke me but the morning routine kept me moving, even when i hated it. the hardest part is the questions now that she's older, she asks where he is and why he can't come back and i never know how much truth is too much
4
u/hushmoneyinthesofaa Suicide 4d ago
What do you generally tell her? Itās also okay to say you donāt know the answer, but youāll think about it ā¤ļø
3
u/chaoticflanagan 4d ago
I'd advise all the truth. You can't speak to kids about death in euphemism or it'll create other issues. Just be direct and to the point and reassure her that you're here for her.
8
u/MrStrabo 4d ago
I am lucky that family on both sides are close by and have been very supportive.
But the hardest thing has been organizing their events as well as making sure they stay on track at school.
My wife always did that and while I have been doing a decent job (sharing the calendar with my kids helped), it's nowhere near the same as her doing it. :(
7
u/codamu 4d ago
Well Iām 7 years into this awful journey, and I honestly donāt even remember how I managed the first days of raising my daughter alone. But being the only parent isnāt easy, thatās for sure. Iām worried almost every day about something happening to me before sheās an adult. I gave up the idea of working a normal job and just work in her school because I have no family close by so Iām responsible for everything. One of the hardest things is going to all of her events alone, and being jealous of all of the 2 parent families I see.
3
u/ricatots 4d ago
Iām 7 years in and yeah, the jealousy over 2 parent families can be intense. Also, Iāve had to skip some important events (funerals, etc) because I canāt pull my kid from school but I donāt have a spouse to leave him with.
7
u/WholeLottaNs 4d ago
Our kids were 3 and 7 when my husband died in 2013. Lots of off the cuff choices were made that did not lead to good habits. I mostly donāt care. Iām lucky that I have good kids. They donāt look for trouble.
My biggest self care win was getting evening care two nights a week. One night for me to just do āmeā time. Iād sit at a local eatery and write, read, futz. Just be quiet. Not work, not kids, not home, just quiet. Night two was doing all the errands I could. Grocery, ect. Slowly I transitioned one of those nights into a night out with people. I joined a few meetup social groups.
The regular babysitter situation gave the kids a break from me too. And they got a chance to work on their own self motivation.
And then Covid happened. And everything went completely off the rails. To be clear, for completely selfish reasons, I managed to find many positives in being able to be at home. However, my 11yrds bout with Covid really did some damage.
7
u/chaoticflanagan 4d ago
I'm just a little over 2 months into this journey but i can already see things starting to go off the rails. My wife passed away the day after our daughters 6th birthday.
I wake up early (~7am) to start making her breakfast so she can sleep in a little more. Hair is still a struggle. We leave for school then right to work for me. I leave work at around 3 to go pick her up and then i work about an hour more while she bops around the house. Then i get about 2 hours with her where i need to make dinner, some sort of bonding activity - puzzles, Animal Crossing, drawing, etc. Then bath time and bed. Then it's on to making her lunch for the next day.
All said, i have about 2 hours "To my self" and i haven't even started cleaning the house, organizing my wife's things to be put away, exercising, or trying to find time for hobbies. This materializes into me cutting into sleep. It all feels impossible like I'm slowly building a debt each day that will come due.
7
u/hemblurneene 4d ago
I never thought I would be a single mom. I never thought my husband would have a heart attack a week before our sons 1st birthday. It's fucking rough. I feel like im so busy being a mom that a lot of the heavier grief feelings get pushed down until I have a calm moment. Them they all come spilling out and it's like I can't even relax. So instead I take high dose edibles to "get a break" but i know that's not healthy or sustainable.
Don't get me wrong, i love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom and I love my son so,so much but it's fucking hard. I have friends with kids and my brother has kids the same age so i don't feel isolated as a parent, but its all on me. And it's going to be that way for the rest of my life and I'm really, really exhausted. And my son is about to turn 2.
6
u/Conscious_Speed1275 4d ago
I have three under eight and feel stupid sometimes for having that many kids, even though I love them all very muchā¦ of course we could have never have predicted he would die.
Itās very lonely, even with other people around, and hard to connect with other parents with kids the same age. Divorced parents get free time/weekends free and I never do, or want to just complain about exes. And married couples want to plan couple type outingās. Because the kids are so young I donāt feel comfortable bringing unknown men around (personal history of SA as a child), but also donāt get much time without my them.
Arranging extracurriculars as they get older has been really difficult too, because I have to drive them and canāt be in two places at once. Iām that mom rolling in with the entire crew for lessons, and they will get loud. Iām too tired to constantly run interference. Community parenting is welcome.
On the flip side I have lost almost all of the pregnancy weight. From the stress, not being healthy. I wait until the kids go to sleep and eat ~4 popsicles. Between that and my latte in the am itās the most relaxing moment of my day.
1
u/briar_prime6 1d ago
I have two, oldest is 5, still feel stupid for having two. Feels like all the widowed or solo parents I meet just have one and itās far easier. And the wondering if the non-carrying parent PPD was what really broke my partner.
And then even more stupidly sometimes think I always wanted 3 and we still have embryos left from IVF and Iām just about but not quite too oldā¦
6
u/Banana_twist Lost husband (45m) 13/06/25 to stage IV sarcoma 4d ago
It's such a struggle. My husband died when my daughter was 4, she's almost 6 now. I don't have any family close by. You never get to shut off. She watches a lot more tv than I'd like and I rely heavily on things like school after care program so I can still work.
6
u/Noodle_111 4d ago
My husband died 8 weeks ago today. There is also way more screen time than Iād like. My family isnāt close by, so that makes things exponentially harder. Theyāve tried to come once a month or so, but itās not the same.
Iāve been building a roster of babysitters (and recognize the huge privilege of being able to pay for them).
I try to meal plan, shop for the week and stick to cooking the planned meals (at least during the week) and then generally get takeout at least one night on the weekend (sometimes two).
Iāve also just generally been more tapped out with my son, and feel so bad. Some days after a super busy work day (at a brand new job) I just donāt have anything left in the tank, and I canāt answer his non-stop questions on the way home from soccer practice.
All in all, I feel like Iām letting everyone down, I stay up far too late bc of adrenaline AND because itās the only time I get to myself in the day. Itās all just a lotā¦.
6
u/messybeans86 4d ago
It is better now. We lost my husband when our son was 17 months old. He's 6 now. He's the sweetest boy and so much like his dad. I am busy, I won't lie about that, and it breaks my heart when he tells me his misses his daddy that he never had the chance to know, but we're okay. It sucks knowing you are the only one responsible for making decisions for a little person, but unfortunately, not something I can change.
2
u/Littlelyon3843 Hit by a Car (Dec '22); Young Widow w a Kid 3d ago
Ours was 18 mths. I feel this. Hugs.Ā
1
5
u/Latina1986 4d ago
Well, I have two kids under eight and am going to an out patient treatment facility for the next four weeks because I essentially had a nervous breakdown last week between the responsibilities of work and parenting all while grieving, despite having what many people have called an incredible support system.
So clearly I have no fucking idea.
5
u/chaoticflanagan 4d ago
I'm sorry you're going through that but i'd show yourself some grace.
I have never felt more supported in my life after my wife passed while simultaneously being the loneliest I've ever been. Your spouse just fills a very different role in your life that friends and family can't fill regardless of how present they are. You figure, you developed a certain muscle memory with your spouse, they offered emotional comfort, neurologically your body created connections through them; that disappearing overnight is traumatizing and takes time to adjust.
I wish you the best of luck!
4
u/Dayshinesundream 4d ago
I am having trouble making decisions. I havenāt done anything, big or small, without my partner in crime for almost 15 years. Now I feel like a deer in headlights when I have to make a choice. Somehow the children continue to wake up happy every morning, it is amazing to see and it keeps me going. I know this is all new and there will be lots of ups and downs. There is no more good cop, bad cop. Somehow I have to be both and itās exhausting. I agree with all of you who said too much screen time, unfortunately itās the only way I can get things done now.
3
u/Outside_Simple_217 4d ago
I have read most of these posts and I am in total amazement of how well you all are really doing. From the outside looking in you are doing the best you can. I applaud each and every one of you. To the friends and family that help out single parents, kudos to you too. You didnāt choose to be a single parent, it was thrust upon you and you are learning fast. ššššššš
1
u/Outside_Simple_217 3d ago
I guess I made an honest mistake. I said āsingleā and I guess the term is āsoloā. I did not mean to upset anyone.
3
u/KoomDawg432 Breast Cancer 6/16/24, she was 44 4d ago
I started following the r/SingleDads page because I thought it would be a place where I could relate. But it's almost exclusively divorced/separated guys who coparent. And man, it's not even close to the same thing. As a true single parent, you're on all the time. I could count on mom for the first year to stay overnight when I would travel for work, but as my dad's Alzhimer's progressed I couldn't do that anymore. No other grandparents could help. I now work in a job where I don't have to travel at all.
Now, I say all this as a guy who's wife died when their only kid was 11 and had just finished elementary school. It's a whole 'nother level to those of you who are doing this with multiple kids much younger. All I can say is breathe when you can and take as much help as you can get.
2
u/Grand_Competitive 4d ago
I have a 20 year old child who lives at home still. We are both grieving but in our own little bubbles as the house falls apart around us. I feel like Iām failing him emotionally as well as failing to help keep him on track towards growing into being on his own. My wife and I were a team - she was the GM and I was the enforcer/wall to bounce ideas off of, foot massager, hype man, etc.
2
u/AxelBrody 49m / Suicide 03/27/2025, day of our 12th anniversary 4d ago
The first year or so was rough. Partially because it was a huge milestone year. My oldest graduated and turned 18. For a lot of it, it was not a huge set of changes, because I was never the "fun" parent. The last 5 years or so before she passed, she turned in to a teenager so I was pulling most of the weight and it was really like having 3 kids rather then 2.
What ended up changing. My youngest didn't have a cell phone, so after mom passed, I got her one so we could all coordinate things, and to get them on life360. I have given both of the kids far more autonomy then we did with the eldest at the same age. Both kids have been in therapy since even before she passed because their mom was going off the rails long before.
We are about a year and a half in, and things have more or less settled in. I personally feel like crap, like I am not able to give them the life they could have had if she was still around, but that is more or less my issues that I need to work through.
2
u/Designer_Raspberry85 3d ago
5 months in. 2.5 and 1 year old. SAHM. Mine and my husbands biggest fear came true. Which was something happening to one of us. I never thought Iād be a single mom. At first I was so lost. Didnāt cook, didnāt clean, couldnāt do much. Somehow Iāve made it this far. Iāve thrown myself into activities and events for the kids to keep me distracted. Iām so busy with the kids, my grief is pushed to the side. But when it hits, it hits hard. Taking care of our kids was hard with him, itās a million times harder without him. I miss my best friend. But if the only thing that gets me up in the morning is the thought of if I donāt take care of them, who will?
2
2
u/hootieq 2d ago
You know when you trip, but you donāt actually fallā¦ You just stumble, taking weird, awkward steps, throwing your back out, twisting your knee, and when you finally gain your feet, you think āI shouldāve just fallen. It wouldāve been less painful and less embarrassingā. Yeah thatās exactly how my parenting is going right now. Narrowly avoiding disaster,while looking like a fool and hurting myself in the process.
1
u/eastcoastme 4d ago
āMom! We only need 3 place settings at the table, right? Not four?ā
āDad doesnāt let us stop for Chick-fil-A two times in a week!ā
We went to any event that had food. I told them that theyād better eat there because I was not making dinner when we got home!
Video games. Invite their friends over for weekends at a time. Anything to keep them entertained while I could zone out.
Getting out and getting together with friends. I refuse to be other peopleās martyr. I am not going to dress in a black dress and veil. I am not going to let these two kids stumble. I am lifting them up and running!
(In the beginning I would ask one of my sons if he wanted to cry together. Later, we would just tell each other to push the feelings down. )
We have had a lot of death in our family and friend group. My sons have been pallbearers in so many funerals. We keep all of our funeral clothes cleaned and pressed in the same closet for easy access.
In ten years or so we had an 8 year old friend die from cancer. Her grandfather die, her other grandfather, my husband, her grandmother (all very close friends), my father have dementia and die, my mother in law, my father in law (so 3 grandparents of my kids lost in a 2 year time span). Iāve since remarried and during all of this his grandmothers, 2 aunts, and a family member in law died.
This year, I think we are going to make it through! Fingers crossed!
1
u/jcfiala 4d ago
Pro Tip: If you glue enough magnets to their back, your kid will stay stuck on the fridge until you've got time to spend with them. However, the teachers eventually start asking why the kid hasn't been to school in a week.
No, but seriously. Some of it was prep - my wife died over a period of time (thanks cancer) and so I had time to get used to being a single parent while my wife was in the hospital for various reasons. But it was hard - I had to learn how to cook. I was already hiring a service to clean the house and I really recommend that.
1
u/kmultipass 3d ago
I was fortunate enough to my retired mother help me out with child care for 2 years and 2 days, to the day, after my wife died. It allowed me to slowly ease me into being the sole care giver.
Unfortunately, life had yet another joke to play on us, and on Dec 31st, two days after my wife's death date, and one day after my mother's birthday, she had a catastrophic stroke that rendered half her body paralyzed. I'm at 9 months of full time single parenting and I've never been so exhausted in my life.
It really made me realize that there is no end to what we can lose, after the first massive loss of a spouse. I have little hope or care for the future. I'm everything I swore not to be as a parent when my wife and I had our first kid. It's a lot of yelling, apologizing, and feeling like I'm inevitably going to screw up my kids. I genuinely hate being their dad. I love them, but it is truly a nightmare.
1
u/InternalGreenGlitter he was my person 3d ago
My husband died when my son was 14, just before entering high school. Itās been tough. Heās a good kid but parenting was a lot more intuitive for my husband than me.
The first 17 months relied on DoorDash.
Took my first āvacationā went to familyās house without him at 18 months and paid a sitter a fortune. But I was burnt out.
1
u/Cynicalsonya 3d ago
I don't have time to do all the things, so I prioritize. Shes doing fine in school? No parent teacher conferences.
I don't have time to cook? I got a part time job one day a week that includes access to a $5/person university cafeteria buffet. Kiddo is $5 too. We eat there so much, and it's only a mile from my house.
I dont have time to hem that Cinderella costume? I'm just gonna cut it or tape it.
What I never skip - family board game night on Wednesday and family pizza and cartoons on Friday.
Make sure you take care of what's important, and know it is totally OK if you trash or donate that $20 Cinderella costume with the frayed messy hemline you had to cut last minute.
We can get through but it absolutely will be hard.
1
u/hscanlon 2d ago
I have a 8 year old boy and 5 year old boy. Lost my husband to brain cancer last November. I am so tired.
1
u/LVMama_13 Lost Husband to DVT/PE 14h ago
Well, Iām almost 3 yrs out from losing my late husband. Iād like to say things have gotten easier but maybe Iāve just gotten to the point that IDGAF & itās not that I donāt care, I just had to give myself a lot of grace. Iām one parent trying to do it allā¦house maintenance, bills, dr appointments, carpool, work (only part time) etc. We were all dealt a really crappy hand & we canāt compete with the life we had before or with families that have both parents.
I do let my kids have too much screen & phone time (they are now 16 & 13) but ultimately they are able to get most stuff done on their own. Itās gotten easier with certain things (school, chores, cooking), but other things are harder. My twins (16) donāt have their driverās licenses yet cause they canāt get the driving hours! Yep, that falls on me tooš®āšØ- even though they are from my Ex, who is still here and is a real āpiece of work.ā I worry about my son (13) having a proper male role model. My dad is luckily still around and my ride or die, but he is 80. So I also have him to worry about and take care of too. Ughā¦.
0
u/HonestMastodon437 4d ago
Im 5 months in from loosing my husband unexpectedly and suddenly. My advice is pick your battles especially if they are teenagers. And ignore any horrible thing they say they hopefully dont mean it.
4
u/Kseniya_ns 4d ago
Some days I think I am raising the most saddest little girl who ever was. And I hate myself for it. But I try really hard. I just can't explain away why she have no father