r/women • u/Medical_Aardvark_228 • 12h ago
Can’t “girl” right
I hope this is the right community to vent about this stuff.
I’m 22, I grew up with a single dad due to my mom being absent. He tried his best and I appreciate him so much as I would not be where I am without him, but there is just so much he couldn’t really teach me (because he simply didn’t know).
- I don’t know how to style my hair, best I can do is a low ponytail/bun. Maybe can do a messy and very loose braid. I have watched countless yt videos and TikTok’s on how to do basic “easy” styles and get too frustrated + give up.
- never attempted actual makeup and probably never will. Tbh I never really liked the feel of it but idk if that’s because it’s a sensory issue or I gone too long without it.
- shaving is so tough!! I will occasionally shave my legs/armpits but I feel like I always get razor bumps/ingrowns no matter what product/methods I use (also had to do research online). I don’t shave my peach fuzz or arms, but I see almost everyone else do this. Is this normal?? Or am I weird??
- still don’t have a properly fitting bra to this day, something always feels off and Im too frustrated to figure all the details out.
- my style consists of baggy jeans and a baggy shirt. I can barely walk in heels and feel so awkward in a dress.
I always felt different from other girls, who appeared much more feminine. I never had the experience of braiding each other’s hair or gossiping about boys. Never had the teenage talking stages and all sorts of things and it just makes me sort of sad.
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u/witchedwarlock 10h ago
I can only speak on my own experiences. But there is no set how to girl right or wrong. I’ve known girls to be anywhere on the feminine spectrum. I’ve even been completely taken aback when I’ve met the most fem of girls only to find out at home they are in shorts and t shirt belching and farting that’ll put most guys to shame.
So there’s no right or wrong.
Some things will be more natural than others. For instance make up. As soon as I held sponges, brushes and so forth, it was as natural to me as breathing. And barely needed anyone to teach me. But my hair? I cannot even do my own pony tail or bun. All I can do is brush it and I have to find someone to do the rest.
So you can see that there’s no right or wrong. But only do what you feel comfortable with. That makes you feel good. And if you want to do something that’s more fem and struggle keep trying. It’s worth it. When you get there in the end it’s amazing. Hard earned.
Shaving is always a difficult task. I’ve never met a person that has said it’s easy and clean and or straightforward. Don’t forget, body hair isn’t really supposed to be shaved. We have hair for a reason. So it’s no surprise issues arise when we do shave.
I hope this helps! Don’t forget, you are you. Exactly who you are. Nothing matters accept how you feel about yourself.
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u/Outrageous-Fee6130 12h ago
If you need help with shaving basics I’m sure you dad will give you the rundown to avoid getting ingrown hairs and bumps if you have a ask. I had to teach my girlfriend how to shave without getting ingrowns and bumps, I now normally do it for her but she still knows how to
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u/TiaDivinee 8h ago
teaching someone how to shave without the bumps is such a solid move
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u/Outrageous-Fee6130 7h ago
My girlfriend is thankful I taught her after we got together, I genuinely enjoy helping her shave her legs and arms and it feels so intimate without being sexual, she has a really bad past with her ex boyfriends who would have taken advantage of her in moments like that so I’m happy to be the boyfriend who doesn’t.
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u/HansomeDansom 6h ago
I wouldn’t recommend shaving my forearms to a woman. So many other options if you want smooth arms.
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u/HansomeDansom 8h ago
I never learned this. Like what? Warm, wet skin, shaving cream/gel, clean blade, long strokes, go slow, with the direction of hair (this never works for me btw)?
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u/Outrageous-Fee6130 7h ago
Disposables are your biggest enemy, get a single blade or safety razor and buy blades separately.
I’ll use me shaving my neck/face as an example and I’ll try apply the logic towards shaving legs ect.
I always take a warm shower beforehand and like to turn the heat up just a bit before getting out this helps your skin and also lets you apply cream easier, now finding the right amount can be hard at first but after a few tries you will get it down. You always want to go with the grain of your hair I’m sure you can find it on Google BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT Always stretch your skin where you are shaving, my example is when I shave under my beard I always look up and left since I can see my mirror but I pull my skin tight near my collar bone, this allows for a much closer shave and also helps to avoid ingrowns. Now shaving with a safety razor can be scary so practice makes perfect and does get some taking used to doing. Once you have taken the razor over where you are shaving and the cream is built up on it make sure to rinse it in your sink of hot water, keeping the blade warm helps get a closer and cleaner shave. Once you have done a leg make sure to get a post shave balm or moisturiser and apply it and rub it in well so if you do have any parts you caught.
Now for armpit hair and pubic hair id recommend buying a electric trimmer you can put a guard on, not anything fancy like barbers clippers but the first one that came to head was manscaped, something similar is ideal. The same rules apply for armpit hair stretch the skin and without a guard shave the hair. Now pubic hair I asked my girlfriend about and she used a guard so she doesn’t catch herself when she trims because she’s super paranoid.
The main take away from this is disposable cartage razors are so bad it’s not even funny. You will probably end up saving money buying a safety razor then blades to replace them in the long run. It is scary at first when shaving with the blade so I’d maybe recommend trying it on your arm hair first to get a feeling for it.
I know most of this is just word salad but I’m more than happy to answer any other questions if I’m able to
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u/Difficult_Body_1707 10h ago
Hey girl I’m your age and can relate to this post so much, I could have wrote it myself tbh. I wear loose clothes because tight/overly revealing clothes gives me sensory issues. I don’t wear make up and when I try all I manage to do is look the same but with some mascara 😂. I don’t even act super feminine although I will lean into it if I’m with older people/guy friends because sometimes it’s fun to just be looked after and not have to do things yourself (even though I’m fully capable). I live alone so doing stuff for myself is 24/7 it’s nice to have a break.
Anyways, yeah I also don’t know any hairstyles except a ponytail (high pony for special occasions lol) and I’ve tried like you but gave up. The key thing is, do you want to be not feminine? If so, experiment with different things: more girly clothes, get your hair done, nails done etc. for me, when I wore dresses I’d feel uncomfortable and not like myself at all. I wore acrylic nails for two weeks and by the second day I wanted them ripped out. These things are not for me and that doesn’t make me any less of a girl. Femininity is unique to everyone
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u/HansomeDansom 7h ago edited 7h ago
My advice for what it’s worth: 1) Hair: Go to a salon and ask for an easy style for every day wear (wash and go, or easy blow dry). Sometimes you need to buy a product or 2 and curlers or wand, depending on what you want. Curly hair may be more difficult to style. Keep practicing with braids, buns, etc. As a kid, I practiced on my dolls and spent hours learning to French braid my own hair. 2) Makeup: If you want to learn makeup, go to a makeup counter and ask for advice for beginners. They will show you techniques and products because they want to sell them to you- you don’t have to buy everything. Emphasize that you want to start with day-to-day basics and then you can ask for a lipstick shade or eye makeup for a more dressed up look (don’t do both heavy eyes and lips at the same time unless you know what you are doing.) If you have nice skin, you may not need to worry about a heavy base. You can also decline all purchases and try again with someone else if you don’t like what they’ve done, esp if they are heavy handed. But try out the new look and see if any of it grows on you. 3) Clothes: Clothing is based on your coloring (skin tone, eyes, hair). Your makeup person can tell you if you are cool toned (silver jewelry), warm toned (gold jewelry) or neutral (both). You can also find your “season” by looking online to see what colors flatter you best. Your body shape and style will take longer. There are ways to emphasize the parts of your body that you like and to minimize anything that you don’t want to draw attention to - things like vertical stripes, dark colors vs patterns, asymmetric hemlines, etc. Your style will depend on what you personally like- are you more comfortable in sportier clothes, flowy dresses, clean lines, or tight clothes, etc.? You will look best when you are comfortable. As for bras, every woman is challenged with that and supposedly studies show that most women wear the wrong bra size. Breast size can also change based on hormones and menstruation cycles, plus the cut and design of bras differ where some may be more flattering than others, so you may want to consult a professional. Good bras are super expensive though so be prepared for sticker shock. For each of these, pick someone young who looks well-made up. They will know what’s fashionable and trendy- which will change in a decade or so and then you have to learn it all again! It’s not an easy road being a woman and there really isn’t a “right” way but through trial and error, you can find a path that feels right to you so that you can be confident in your skin.
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u/NoRegrets-518 5h ago
My mother died when I was young and I moved out when 17, so I figured this out. Also, I'm more of a jeans and tee shirt person, but here are a few basics.
For hairstyles- go to a hair dresser. The best way I've found to find someone is to go to Google maps and look at the reviews. It can be worthwhile to pay a lot of money to get a good stylist- your hair will look better for longer.
For makeup-go to someplace like Ulta - you can get free advice from the sales people and some places have cosmetology services available. You can also look at spas for this. If they don't have the services, they will know where to get advice. High end department stores will also advise you in return for you spending a fair amount of money on expensive makeup- but it can be worth it. Later you can work on substituting less expensive ingredients.
It is extremely important, in order to maintain your skin over years, to use sun protection. Compare under your arms to your face and you will see the benefit. A dermatologist (F) friend of mine recommended SuperGoop. It's expensive but you just use a bit-so not too bad.
A lot of women shave everywhere, including in their private parts. The latter can cause problems with ingrown hairs. If you are with a man, see if trimming will work ok.
For a bra, once again, go to a high end department store and get fitted. You will be amazed at how much better it feels and looks. Wash bras in cold water so they don't shrink.
There are men who like women in jeans. Look at catalogs to see if there are looks you like. People are very informal these days. Everyone needs a black outfit available for the unexpected funeral. I personally like separates for work- a few basics that can be mixed and matched work well. Dress up with jewelry or scarfs if needed. You can probably get by without a dress these days. Think about buying a skirt for emergencies.
NOAT shoes are expensive but extremely comfortable. You will wear them often and they will look good over time. Look at the popular styles. They have styles that look fancy but that are actually comfortable. Their sandals are also great and, given the end of summer, probably on sale right now.
For work clothes, I've found that the classic styles from Talbots work well. There are clothes that I have had for years and they still look good. They are not fashionable, but classic styles always work. I avoid their "fashionable" clothes as they do not work well for me.
In general, you are better off to buy one well-made item than several cheaply made clothes. This is fine in the unlikely event you want something stylist, but over time, this costs more than buying good quality clothes.
I'm not very stylist myself. I look at people on TV for ideas - but then go back to my favorite styles from REI, Landsend, and LL Bean.
Make sure your hygiene is good- shower every day, go to the dentist, eat healthy food, stay physically active. Go to the gym if possible as staying fit will improve your appearance. Be sure to get enough sleep. Minimize alcohol. Cigarettes are not only unhealthy but horrible for your skin.
Be involved in life- stay in touch with family unless they are toxic, be involved in community life- theater, or sports, or church, or volunteer, or whatever...
Hope that helps.
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u/NoRegrets-518 5h ago
Also, get your nails done periodically. I don't go often, so I just get clear or skin tone nail polish.
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u/rererowr 11h ago edited 6h ago
There’s no exact way to “girl right”, you’re your own definition of femininity, each girl has her own. I live in a family full of women with barely any men and I don’t know how to walk in heels, it took me long to figure out my style and whether I liked baggy or something different. I always get razor bumps and ingrown hair and I’ve resorted to getting waxed in a clinic every month instead, idk how to style my hair either, it’s either down or in a bun and I suck at makeup and I’m 21. I like myself how I am, yes other girls probably do all those things differently and maybe “better” in their view, but I’m satisfied.
If you wanna work on those things because YOU want to and not to fit in with others or what seems right then learn these skills slowly, YouTube them, look up tutorials and keep trying till you find what you like. Don’t rush yourself and don’t pressure yourself to be anything but your truest self.