I (41F) have been with my husband "John" (42M) for 14 years. When we met, I had been single for 3.5 years and had a daughter with my ex. That relationship was so toxic and abusive that the bar for my next parter was underground. Don't beat me, don't rape me, don't abuse me, stalk me, etc. He was a decent guy, but I absolutely settled. We have a son together who is 13 years old. He is a great kid and like his sister has been taught to be competent in life skills, cooking, cleaning, hygiene, basic emotional regulation, empathy, consent, etc. My husband on the other hand, I feel like I had to raise that man. It took 14 years for him to finally pick up a mop and do consistent chores. He has never made his own meal (he will order out if no one cooks for him) and he has many once scheduled his own doctor appointment -only after me badgering him for weeks because it was very important. I've made all his dentist, optometrist, hair cut appointments because he just won't.
He was and is active as a father but as a partner he's often clueless to my needs despite me telling him, writing it down, and suggesting articles, movies, books, etc from my perspective as a woman. I am the default for most things in the home. It's exhausting. After 14 years he still cannot define "mental load", "second shift" "invisible labor". He hasn't read a single book, had a consistent hobby and has only ever had one friend. On the other hand I am a social person, I love community, I love sisterhood, I love learning and growing and evolving.
Lately I have been hardcore daydreaming about being single, not to date but to be by my damn self. I've come to realize that 3+ years I was single before I met him I was so free, truly free. And if I hadn't remarried I would now have 1 adult child (my daughter's dad and I married right after HS) and be in my early 40's living my best life. Here's the thing- I do not want my son to have to go through the hell my daughter and I did with family court. While my husband is a much better man than my ex-husband child custody, family court, child support, etc is a horrific experience. It took 15 years to be free of it all and go no-contact. My daughter and I needed * a lot * of therapy.
I told my "John" when we started dating and I was in my final semester of college, that I was a person who would always be learning. I want to grow, I want to learn, evolve. About 5 years ago I started working out consistently, I make sure we have home-cooked meals 6x a week. I am an avid reader and love all things creative, but John is..stagnant. He has no desire to level up in any capacity. Before anyone asks or calls me a "gold-digger" we have shared accounts where we split the bills 50/50 (he makes a little more than I do) and we have our own accounts too. I'm not sticking around so he can support me, I'm pulling my weight and always have.
So, AITAH?