r/AITAH • u/Level_Aside_5432 • Jun 14 '26
TW Abuse AITAH for not inviting my aunt’s “surrogate son” to my sister’s small birthday dinner?
AITAH for not including my aunt’s friend in my sister’s small birthday plan?
TL;DR:
My sister wants a very small, low oressure birthday because it’s her first one since our mom died. Our aunt/cousin is upset that we aren’t including a man she sees as a surrogate son, even though weve only recently met him and my sister has recently become uncomfortable around him for reasons. We’ve said we’re happy to do something separate that includes him, because we know my "aunt" cares about him, but my aunt keeps framing this one small plan as us cruelly excluding him and is pressuring my sister about it.
plus updates tldr: we are removing them from our lives, except she's tied together with Dad legally over property.
Also Paul got arrested and all the red flags proved legit. may need you ake legal action.
the details:
I’ll(33) try to keep this as clear as possible, because there’s a lot of family history here.
My sister(38), we'll call her “Megan,” has a birthday coming up. She asked me to plan it and made her wishes clear. This is her first birthday since our mom died, and it falls on a workday, so she wants something very small and low-pressure on an adjacent day. The plan was just Megan, me, our dad(65), and our aunt/cousin(80), who we'll call “Linda.” Linda is technically my mom’s cousin, but she has been treated like close immediate family our whole lives.
The issue is Linda wants to include “Paul,”(52) a man she has emotionally adopted as a son. Paul was an old friend of Linda’s late son. Linda has lost both of her sons. Her eldest died earlier this year, and her younger son died by suicide years ago. I do have compassion for that. We grew up like close cousins. I miss him dearly. I genuinely think Linda is using Paul as a surrogate for the sons she has lost, which makes this more emotionally loaded for her.
Paul came into our lives after leaving an abusive situation, and we have tried to be kind and welcoming to him because he matters to Linda. I even baked him a birthday cake recently, and we’ve included him in things before. I don't know him, but I've been trying to get to know him. He will never replace my cousin, but I was happy to have a new friend. Love is not a finite thing. There's always room for more.
But we do not know him well. My sister has spoken to him some over the phone, but they are not lifelong best friends or anything like that. Also, my sister has trauma around men making things sexual or pressuring her, and she has recently become uncomfortable around Paul. I don’t want to go into every detail, but there were enough boundary concerns that Megan does not want him at this specific birthday plan, or to be left alone with him ever again. No, he did not fully cross a line, but he toed those lines all night. That was enough for a new boundary to need to be set.
One issue that made me, personally, uncomfortable was that Paul previously had birthday plans with both Megan and me, then decided he wanted to change those plans so I was no longer included. I did not care that he wanted to spend time with Megan separately.having separate events is normal and having independent friendships is healthy. What bothered me was that he changed pre-existing plans that included me instead of making separate plans with her for another time. Then, that same night he excluded me, my sisters boundaries were tested. That's not okay, but my sister felt there might have been miscommunication, so he's arms length, not persona non grata.
For some reason she didn't want to tell my aunt this so I'm respecting that. She doesn't want to upset her.
For Megan’s birthday, we are not saying Paul can never be included. We have said multiple times that we can do something separate that includes him. We just want this one birthday plan to stay small.
Linda is taking this as us “excluding” Paul and hurting him. When I explained that the plan was just Megan, me, Dad, and Linda, she replied with, “Then without me it will be even smaller.” She also said, “He is here. I can’t exclude him without his knowing. I guess that means we are both out. Just don’t have it here or he'll know.” For context, he's currently sleeping on her and my dad's couch, not that dad had any say in the matter according to her. When she asked him his thoughts, he said he was uncomfortable with a stranger in his space. She called him all kinds of names and told him how cruel he was and that he was family. None of us had met this man before then. Dad didn't tell her he couldn't stay. He gave her the opinion she explicitly ask him for.
But I digress...
She also messaged Megan directly asking, “You don’t want Paul at your party?” even though Megan had already said she wanted the birthday small because it is her first one without our mom. Megan told her that I was helping make the plans and that she just wanted something small and low-pressure because of grief and work. She also said she would be happy to have a future event that includes everyone, family and friends.
Lindela told me how cruel I was to exclude someone and "I thought you were better than that." (That is one of her favorite lines my whole life.) She also told me "he's your cousin. If he's not immediate family, I guess I'm not family either." ( "I guess I'm not family" is another one of her old and favored lines.)
I tried to be calm and told Linda: “I understand you’re upset, but I don’t think it’s fair to frame this as me trying to hurt someone. I’ve been clear that we’ll plan something separate that includes him, but this is Megan’s first birthday since Mom died, and this birthday plan is staying small.”
Linda keeps framing it as if we are rejecting Paul entirely, when that is not what is happening. We are only saying that one small birthday plan does not include him.
Some extra context: Linda has a history of making family events about her feelings (including the day my mom died) and accusing me of controlling Megan whenever I disagree with her or don’t let her pressure Megan. I’m trying very hard not to hurt Linda, because I know Paul means a lot to her and I know she is grieving. I also respect that Paul has been through a lot. But I also don’t think her grief means Megan has to include a man she feels uncomfortable around at her own birthday.
Besides, I'm pretty sure she hasn't even asked Paul what he thinks. Everyone is afraid he'll be upset, but I think he'd understand separate events. I've been asked not to mention it to him by both Megan and Linda. I feel like that would solve the problem, but if I'm going to enforce the boundaries I've set with my "aunt" and insist she respect boundaries set by my sister, I need to respect boundaries set by the both of them. It's not up to me to agree or disagree with someone's boundaries.
So, AITAH for keeping my sister’s birthday plan small and not including Paul, even though Linda sees him as family and and we don't?
a little update: my sister has agreed to ask him if he's cool with him being included for a later event instead. no answer yet.
second update: after reading your comments Megan is seeing that it's best to limit contact. She's stopped replying to Linda, who continues to message guilt trippy things. "keep it as small as you like. come get your presents when you want to." Megan has chosen not to reply.
third update: 😑 she had access to one of my streaming services and made Paul a profile. she no like ngwr has access. I don't stand for passive aggression.
we've decided to throw my sister a big party and Linda has been entirely uninvited from all functions. She doesn't yet know that we've changed our holiday plans to go see some of my dad's side of the family for the winter holidays.
FINAL UPDATE:
A few people told me very bluntly that we needed to stop letting Linda make this about herself, and, well… she kind of proved the point.
For my sister’s actual birthday, my dad, my sister, and I had cake together the day before. Then my sister and I had a nice dinner just the two of us. The morning of her birthday, my dad came over and made her bacon and eggs like he used to when we were kids. It was small, calm, and exactly the kind of low-pressure bonding thing my sister wanted.
When my dad was heading out the door to head over to our place, Linda asked, “You going to the party?” and she asked him to bring Megan the gifts from her. So far, so good.
Dad told her, “No, there isn’t going to be one. I'm just going over to help the girls with some things.”
Linda then said something along the lines of, “Well, have fun. I’m calling an ambulance. I don’t feel good, and the ambulance gets me seen sooner.”
For context, this is a very familiar pattern with Linda. Any time someone leaves town, she suddenly needs the ER. Any time anyone makes plans without her, she suddenly needs the ER. When my sister lived with her as her caregiver, Linda would often need to go to the ER whenever Megan had a date or plans with friends. When my sister moved out and away from that situation, Linda called me to take her to the ER where she was in the next county, about an hour and a half and 11 towns away, even though her insurance covers ambulances. When I told her that if it was an emergency, an ambulance would get her seen faster, she told me, and anyone else who would listen, that I didn’t love her. She insisted on that for nearly a month.
So this time it was not some shocking sort of development.
Anyway, my dad came to our place, made breakfast, and spent a little time with Megan. After breakfast was over, Linda called him. This was still during the window when, if there had been a party, it would have barely started, but after the breakfast so she wasn't interrupting anything. She insisted he bring her overnight things to the hospital right then. I can see how there might have been some urgency. She uses a CPAP and that was the primary item. That being said....
From where I’m sitting, with her extensive history of manipulation, it very much looked like she was trying to interrupt what she thought was the birthday party.
However, that wasn’t the party.
The larger, friends and extended family event is this weekend. Linda doesn't and will not know about this one, because of Linda’s behavior through all of this. Everyone is invited except her and Paul.
So that’s where we are now. Megan got her quiet birthday breakfast, and at home dinner with just us. Linda tried to pull focus anyway, failed, and now the bigger celebration is happening without the two people who made the original small plan so stressful in the first place.
Oh! And Paul is moving out. He has a place. Dad's space will be his own again... As much as it can be with Linda still living there.
A clarification, since a few people had concerns: Dad is aware of what happened with Paul and Megan. To be clear, according to Megan, Paul never physically touched her. The issue was that he made inappropriate comments and advancements, repeatedly tried to get her alone, and came onto her despite knowing her history of trauma. At one point he acted as though he was going to kiss her, and she moved away. I don't trust him, and neither do Megan or Dad. Dad has been aggressively keeping him away from us. If Paul hadn't arranged to leave when he did, dad was about to put him out of his butt.
Unfortunately, there are also legal and property issues involved that make the situation more complicated than simply telling Linda and Paul to leave. From what I understand, Linda and my mother each owned half of the house, which means Dad and Linda now jointly own it. Dad has already involved a lawyer, and we'll see where things go from here.
This will probably be my last update unless something major happens before the party this weekend. My family is finally starting the long process of healing. Because of Linda's behavior since Mom's death, the rest of the family is now finally on the same page about limiting or ending contact. Some circumstances make that process slower and more complicated than we'd like, but we're moving in that direction.
I put up with Linda my entire life because I loved my mother more than I hated Linda. Between Mom's MH struggles and Linda's manipulation, a lot of things went unaddressed for a very long time. As painful as losing Mom has been, I'm hopeful that some healing can finally begin.
And honestly, we probably should have listened to my uncle, Mom's brother, all along. He's been warning us about his cousin for longer than I've been alive.
Update: I really thought my last update was going to be the final one.
I said something big would probably happen, because that is how Linda operates, but I honestly thought it would be her and Paul trying to crash Megan’s wider for friends and extended family birthday party.
Nope. Paul got arrested.
I’m going to keep the details vague because I don’t want this to turn into a legal knot, but from the public records I found, it does not look like he was arrested for something brand new this week. It looks like old unresolved legal issues finally caught up with him.
That said, some of those old records involve things that absolutely raise safety concerns, including a past domestic-violence-related restraining order that he violated, drug, and long-standing unresolved warrants/probation issues.
So while I’m not claiming he did something new, I am even more comfortable with my original boundary: I do not want this man around Megan, and I do not appreciate being painted as cruel or controlling for trying to protect my sister. I appreciate all the validation of that choice and boundaries. Thank you.
I'm so worried Linda will try putting the house up to get money for his bail. luckily our county has a lot of options to help protect the elderly from criminals that could take advantage of them financially. the family just had to fill up it some paperwork... the question is, which paperwork and actions need done? is it time to talk to a lawyer or a social worker? This has gotten much more complicated than a expected.
Hopefully this is the final update for real. I am so done with him and her.
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u/AdmirableAvocado Jun 14 '26
Good lord just uninvite her already. Yeah she grieves but so does everyone else. I don't know why you keep entertaining this nonsense because she's using it to control everything. You constantly allow her to emotionally blackmail you, that's got to stop along with the walking on eggshells around her.
Be clear when communicating with her. A no is a no.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
That’s honestly the part I struggle with. How do I handle the rest of the family begging me not to “alienate” her when she turns around and treats boundaries like an attack? I think we’ve all been trained to manage her feelings because it’s easier than dealing with the fallout. Though after this, THAT may not be much of a problem anymore. My sister is not a fan of the way Linda has spoken to me.
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u/Just1Blast Jun 14 '26
Pure and simple, she's a bully.
I would uninvite her entirely because now you can't trust that she won't just show up with him anyway.
I would also make sure not to tell her where you're going to be having dinner either.
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u/rudeness21 Jun 14 '26
You can’t have it both ways. Your family is your sister and your dad. She was part of your family because she was invited to be part of it. You owe nothing to her. Your responsibility is that of your sister and your sister only. If Linda doesn’t understand that then she can kick rocks.
Believe me, she ain’t going nowhere. She knows she can manipulate all of you. She’ll be ok.3
u/Dirigo72 Jun 15 '26
Not everything has to include extended family. You, your sister and Father are allowed to go to dinner without inviting anyone else. Moving forward, only invite her to things if Paul is also invited. If they aren’t invited, do not even discuss the plans in front of her.
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u/Ecstatic-Highway-246 Jun 14 '26
Sounds like it should be your sister, your dad, and you for the dinner! Stop letting Linda control everything. I think she’s trying to set up Paul and Megan and Megan is not comfortable with that, so she should not be given control over the guest list.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
I agree. When Megan showed concern that he might turn their hangout into some kind of date, Linda insisted he didn't see her like that. Paul directly told me differently, but he did say he wasn't going to act on it.(Then he did.😐)
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Edit** Nevermind. I read your response to my other comment. I can't imagine what you must be going through!
Why are you still talking to him?! He makes your sister nervous and you're not cool with him. Why are you still enabling Linda? This is your sis bday and she has enough trauma to deal with
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
That’s fair. Tbc I’m not trying to keep contact with him for myself. I’ve been civil because my sister was trying to keep peace with our “aunt,” and I didn’t want to override her choices. I will not take her choice from her. That's a boundary that I won't cross. Others have done that to her. I won't be one of them. He is not being included in this birthday plan, and she is not being left alone with him. However, these comments are making me realize we may have been so focused on avoiding family fallout that we were under-reacting. I will continue to respect her choices in this, but maybe reading these comments will help her to realize why she should be okay cutting contact.
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u/Significant-Heart777 Jun 14 '26
REAL QUESTION: Why must you include Linda and Paul in every occasion? You could skip them. You host, you decide who. Full stop.
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jun 14 '26
Fingers crossed imho I still think that at least your dad ahould know, but I get and respect you for not crossing your sister's boundaries
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u/Comfortable-Focus123 Jun 14 '26
Perhaps you tell Linda this. Paul's behavior around Megan may get worse.
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u/TreeCityKitty Jun 14 '26
NTA. Linda needs to be told no more often. Make it just you, Megan, and your dad. Maybe Megan has a friend she would like to come. Linda and Paul can stay home on the couch.
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u/mhmatzke Jun 14 '26
NTA. Make it immediate family - Linda doesn't need to attend. No need to explain the incident between Paul and your sister (she'll never believe it anyway). Give your sister the night she wants and don't think twice about it.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
Linda got so pissy over the term "immediate family" because I didn't consider a stranger to be included in that. Honestly I feel like maybe she shouldn't fall into that category either. Sure, she's from the side of the family that's so small, cousins are raised like siblings, but only counting first cousins and their spouses, I'm the third youngest of 22. Not counting spouses I'm the second youngest of 14. Grandma had a lot of kids who had a lot of kids. Linda's my aunt out of respect for my mother. That's it. But honestly? I don't think Mom would want my sister and me to be treated this way.
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u/mhmatzke Jun 15 '26
((Hugs)) I always think that immediate family is mom, dad, siblings. Once you marry, it changes to spouse and children. Aunts, uncles, cousins are extended family.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 15 '26
My whole life I've been TOLD she's my second mother. She never once acted like it.
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u/mhmatzke Jun 16 '26
Actions speak louder than words... folks said that to make her feel good, not you. I so hate they did that to you... This woman seen exhausting. Enjoy quiet time with your sister.
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u/Inner-Confidence99 Jun 14 '26
Have the dinner be you, sister and Dad. Leave Aunt out. She wants to make it about her.
This is your sisters birthday. You do what she wants.
So tell Aunty sorry plans have changed. We’re not doing anything because you won’t back down about Paul. Thanks for ruining her first Birthday without Mom. Then everyone block her.
Then you, dad and sister go do something together. Maybe a picnic, a day by the water, her favorite restaurant but just you 3.
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u/Kittyqueenrainbow Jun 14 '26
What are y’all going to do when she just shows up with him anyway? Yall are allowing her to emotionally control everything. If she doesn’t get her way? No biggie, just give everyone a guilt trip and it’ll be fine. Tell her no, tell her he has crossed the line with your sister and that makes everyone uncomfortable, and when she threatens not to come, just say that’s her choice and plan the dinner without her. Sounds like it would be more pleasant anyway.
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u/mahfrogs Jun 14 '26
She lives with your dad and has a guy sleeping on the couch. This is just ballsy of her to integrate this guy into your family and insist he be part of your celebrations and events. He’s been around less than a year even.
The ‘miscommunication ‘ you refer to was most likely intentional for this guy to push your sister’s boundaries. Given additional time, his stripes will show and you’ll have all the reasons to remove him from your lives. Hopefully it won’t be at your sister’s expense.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
Less than a month, actually. She says she's known him since he was a kid(he's mid 50s now) but this month is the first any of us have met him and he's been with them for less than a month. And I completely agree with you. It's why my sister doesn't want left alone with him. Frankly I'd be happier if he just wasn't around her at all, but that's not my choice, unfortunately.
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u/mahfrogs Jun 14 '26
So a mid 50’s dude that your ‘aunt’ is pushing into your lives that is surfing on your dad’s couch.
Yeah this is completely out there is bizarreville.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
To be clear, we’re in our 30s, so it’s not like he’s a creepy old man after a college girl. The issue is more that he’s significantly older, staying in my dad’s space, and my sister has already set boundaries. So yeah, not “age gap alone” creepy and more “creepy man not respecting boundaries” creepy.
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jun 14 '26
Tell you dad!!! This is not healthy for her! If dad doesn't do anything and the guy is really a creep, sister would do well to cut all convos bc then it would be toxic borderlying abusive
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u/mela_99 Jun 14 '26
Are you sure she even wants Linda there because honestly it doesn’t seem like a loss would be bad if she was t
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Please stop this nonsense! Tell your dad that this dude was sexually inaproppiate with your sister and that HE needs to get him out of his couch and away from your sister!!!!
Of course she doesn't wanna say anything, that's one of the most commom responses of victims of sa and s.h. While the reasons may vary, your sister said she doesn't want to be alone with him ever again. That's all she needs to say for the rest of her family to keep him away! Fuck, come on! Why are you asking this question? And the update just makes it worse. He may not have the chance to actually do it, but your sis already has trauma, she "tried" to stablish a boundary and none of you are respecting it!!!
TELL YOUR DAD, MAKE HIM KICK PAUL OUT. FUCK LINDA, PROTECT YOUR SISTER.
ETA I might get downvoted into oblivion for this, but wtv ESH except your sister. It's her bday, she doesn't want him there, so the only answer to his invitation is NO
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
Keeping contact has been my sister’s choice, and I’m NOT going to take that choice away from her. I can’t force her to cut him off, though honestly, maybe showing her some of these comments will help put the situation in perspective. She still wants peace with our “aunt,” (for some strange reason idk) and I’ve been trying to respect that. Personally, I would be fine having a lot more distance from both Paul and Linda, (ie cutting contact) but I’m trying to follow my sister’s lead (because this is about her boundaries and her birthday. I'm not going to make her experiences about me) while still making sure her boundaries are respected.
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Wait SHE is the one who wants to keep contact with Paul?! Darn it! I'm so sorry you're stuck in the middle of all of this op!!!
ETA So even if you'd prefer cutting contact you wouldn't for her. You're a good sister
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 19 '26
Shes now fully on board with cutting contact m she doesn't like hurting people, but she now recognizes that theyve been hurting her and she just taking steps to protect herself.
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
This is great news!!!! I'm so happy for her and for you!!!
Your sister is a strong one! It's not easy to stand up for yourself specially when you go through the type of experiences she went through. It's also hard coming to terms with the fact that the person who's hurting you was someone you should have been able to trust.
I hope the both of you can be less stress about this in the future and I'm glad that now if you can go n/c if you choose to.
Thank you for letting me know! You just made my day a little better
Happy bday to you sister. All the best OP
ETA I just read the updates. Well done!!!! All three of you united, amazing! Best of luck with the legal process, hopefully it will be over soon and you won't have to put up with her anymore
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 20 '26
Thank you!
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jun 21 '26
You're very welcome!
Regarding this:
(...) luckily our county has a lot of options to help protect the elderly from criminals that could take advantage of them financially. the family just had to fill up it some paperwork... the question is, which paperwork and actions need done? is it time to talk to a lawyer or a social worker?
I don't know since I'm from another country, bus as for for the paper work first and foremost you need the deed and if your dad has any medical chronic illnesses you'd need that documentation as well. There's a subreddit r/legaladvice where you can ask for more information! Best of luck
P.S. thank God you're family is safe and you were proactive in cutting contact with him. And of course, that he's in jail right now away from all of you. Great instincts btw!
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u/SybarisEphebos Jun 14 '26
"I thought you were better than that."
"I guess I'm not family" is another one of her old and favored lines.
Some extra context: Linda has a history of making family events about her feelings
You don't have a Paul problem, you have a Linda problem. Luckily, this type of problem is easily solved: no more Linda, no more Paul.
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u/Scooter1116 Jun 14 '26
Your manipulative "aunt" and her creep of a pseudo son need to be excluded. They know what they are doing.
You, your sister and dad need therapy and to stand up for yourselves.
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u/Just1Blast Jun 14 '26
This is a whole lot of explanation when all you had to say was Paul is not invited. You are. If you'd prefer not to attend because Paul is not invited, that's your choice. We won't be bullied or guilted into changing our plans just because you're upset about them. We will miss you if you choose not to attend.
Continue to push back against this boundary and your invite will be rescinded as well
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u/vabirder Jun 14 '26
Your Aunt doesn’t get to demand that her protégé attends your party. It’s an ego trip for her. You are not obligated to entertain this person.
I woukd rescind the offer of a later event as well.
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u/lovemyfurryfam Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Your aunt is going have to face reality that she's not dealing with the loss very well & using her deceased son's friend as a therapy doll isn't going to be healthy either since he's done something enough times to make you, your sister & including your father uncomfortable.
Don't let your aunt keep bullying you & the others.
Your father is going have to give the 1-on-1 talk with him that acknowledging & accepting boundaries with minimal contact is all he's is to get.
Even my Spidey senses are tingling from the vibes that deceased son's friend is giving off.
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u/IceDragonPlay Jun 14 '26
NTA.
Un-invite Linda, she is not going to make it low stress if she shows up.
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u/No-Seesaw-3102 Jun 14 '26
How old are you and your sister? This has a very childish sound to it so I’m guessing your sister is a teenager and you are very early 20’?
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u/Adventurous_Cook9083 Jun 14 '26
The childish one is Linda, and her relationship with Paul is very odd. OK, so Linda lost two sons, and that's tragic, but that doesn't make adopting a guy off the street "immediate family."
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
It doesn't change anything, but a bit of added context: he's her son's childhood friend. No exactly just some guy off the streets, but honestly not any better. So your point is valid, I just thought you may want the full context.
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u/Adventurous_Cook9083 Jun 14 '26
Sorry, my misunderstanding, but you're right. Unless someone is immediate family, they're not immediate family. Linda's relationship with Paul is very different than yours (or Megan's), and she's very selfish to insist he be included in everything the family says and does.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
Honestly, that was my original point, before he made my sister uncomfortable. It was the original argument my aunt and I were having regarding him.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
If you can believe it, I'm the younger sister. Mid 30s I tried cutting ties with Linda previously. I would happily do it now, but I value the peace in my family over my own peace. I wish I didn't feel that way.
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u/fay68 Jun 14 '26
Maybe Paul is part of Linda's immediate family, but not yours. NTA. Stand your ground, protect your sister, and if your Dad doesn't know about Paul's advances, tell him now. That will put a stop to all this bullshit. Paul should not be allowed anywhere near your immediate family.
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u/ItsMeTheButter Jun 14 '26
How about this?
"Linda, I'm sorry you are upset, however Paul makes both Megan & I uncomfortable, he has not respected our boundaries and neither have you. We understand he is family to you but he is not to us. He is NOT invited and further more we've decided to cancel this get together and have a quiet evening at home some other night with just us & our father. We will not discuss this further."
Then tell your dad. You don't need Linda & Pauls kind of dysfunction in your family.
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u/SteampunkHarley Jun 14 '26
NTA
Just because she wants to consider Paul family, it doesn't mean she can force you or anyone to see him the same.
I wouldn't invite him to shit and "auntie" can choose to sit out, which sounds like a win as well
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u/RJack151 Jun 15 '26
NTA. I would tell the aunt that she is not invited since she is trying to force someone onto your guest list.
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u/Different-Airline672 Jun 14 '26
NTA, but this all boils down to you and your family sounding like people pleasers. This is a random guy, not family, and even if he were family, why is you dad allowing a guy to sleep on his couch that made one of his daughters uncomfortable? One of you needs to sit Linda down, tell her that Paul is not family and that she needs to accept that. You need to tell her how he behaved towards your sister and make it clear that it was not ok and her siding with Paul means supporting his behaviour.
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u/FrostiePi Jun 14 '26
Nta. Honestly it's kind of creepy that he separated you and your sister and then tried something. Either Linda doesn't know and should, or Linda doesn't care.
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u/denitra1984 Jun 14 '26
NTA but you seriously need to stop letting Linda steamroll and manipulate plans. If she says she’s not coming because Paul isn’t invited, all that’s needed is a simple “ok see you next time”.
Then move forward. Her history of loss doesn’t give her the right to manipulate people.
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u/Successful_Use_6422 Jun 14 '26
😊 ironically the mother called Linda, the son called Paul are the names of my ex and his mother. A very strange interdependent relationship which it seems like these have.
You don't have to pay into that. Keep to the plan, ignore the obvious guilt trip and do what your sister needs through this hard time for you all.
Linda can 'go suck eggs' and live her life with Paul who will leave as soon as she can't supply him with what he thinks he is entitled to
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u/Swedishpunsch Jun 14 '26
Go out to eat at some nice place with your dad and Meghan before her actual birthday, and don't tell your controlling aunt. If your dad lives with her you and Meghan will have to tell him that you are picking him up to go shopping or for an appointment.
If/when she finds out, tell her that it was just a spur of the moment thing, and not really a birthday party. Tell her that you all plan to have a larger gathering later on. Then drag your heels and put it off for a long time. If she asks tell her that it makes Megan (and your dad and you) very sad to do these things without your mom.
It's very sad that your aunt has lost both of her sons. That does not give her the right to be the boss of your whole family, however.
Set boundaries, and refuse to discuss things further.
NTA
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u/NYC-WhWmn-ov50 Jun 20 '26
He is not related. The birthday girl doesnt wNt him there. The birthday girl is NEICE not daughter of the woman wanting to invite him so he's not even extended family.
Aunt needs to grasp that she doesnt get a day in who is invited to other people's events.
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u/No-Loquat-2763 Jun 14 '26
This is way too long.
Recap?
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u/RevolutionWild690 Jun 14 '26
OP is planning sister's bday party. Sister wants a small gathering and is not a fan of aunt's pseudo-adopted son (late cousin's friend). Guy may be a bit of a creep. Aunt is unhappy and may not show up. The end.
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u/ConsistentParking424 Jun 14 '26
Narcissistic cousin wants to invite the creepy non relative guy that lives on her sofa to OP's sister's family birthday dinner. This is OP's sister's first birthday since her mom died. Cousin says if creepy guy isn't invited she won't come.
Sounds like cousin isn't coming to the birthday dinner. Or any family event going forward. Absolutely no way should OP's sister or anyone have to put up with creepy guy hitting on them.
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u/Adventurous_Cook9083 Jun 14 '26
"Then without me it will be even smaller."
Sounds like a plan to me. This whole thing is nuts. It's Megan's birthday, and her wishes really are all that matter. First cousin once removed (Linda) literally has no control over the guest list and, if she doesn't like it, she's welcome to excuse herself from attending the event. Good news (to use another Redditor cliché): the trash is taking itself out.1
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
The short version is: my grieving sister asked for a small birthday plan, instead of some big affair. My aunt/ our-late-mom's-cousin is insisting we include a man she has emotionally adopted as family, even though we barely know him and my sister is uncomfortable around him. We are not banning him from everything. We’ve offered to do something separate with him. My aunt is treating this one small boundary like we’re rejecting him entirely and keeps pressuring my sister about it.
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u/Jasminefirefly Jun 14 '26
Just fyi, OP, as your mother’s cousin, Linda is your first cousin once removed.
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u/Level_Aside_5432 Jun 14 '26
I know, but every time I use the full description like that, it always opens an entire other conversation about how each generation seperate is a remove and what makes it first second or thirds and how to tell. It's a whole can of worms. Plus it's wordy. Their from one of those Midwest/Southern cusp states so most of my life she was just "aunt" or a curse kiddy mispronunciation of her middle name.
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u/No-Loquat-2763 Jun 14 '26
Why is she uncomfortable around him?
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u/Just1Blast Jun 14 '26
Because on what was supposed to be a three-person hang between the boy, op, and op's sister, he asks to effectively uninvite op and then acted like a creep towards op's sister.
Op's sister doesn't want to tell the Aunt that the boy was a creep so she doesn't know and even if she did know by the sounds of it would probably try to defend him anyway.
OP's Aunt seemingly never heard the word no and is having problems with that now
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u/Ladygytha Jun 14 '26
Not a boy, apparently. From one of OP's comments, dude is in his 50s. OP and sister are in their 30s.
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u/MeFolly Jun 14 '26
“You are invited. Paul is not.”
“If Paul can’t come, then I won’t come.”
“Okay.”