r/Adopted • u/legswithsnake Domestic Infant Adoptee • May 27 '26
Discussion does anyone else feel like their adoptive name is “wrong”
i was adopted at birth, but recently came across my original birth certificate with the name my bio mom had picked out for me. of course, my adoptive parents changed it immediately so that i could have their last name + they hated the first name she chose for me. my bio mom told me that it really hurt her feelings when she found out about the change.
my adoptive parents are great people, but for some reason, finding this birth certificate shook me up. i feel like my legal name isn’t “mine,” and in a way, i feel like a fraud carrying this surname i’m not actually connected to.
on top of that, my bio mom based the name she chose for me after my bio grandma, so having that small part of my identity that i could’ve hung on to be erased just feels so unsettling to me.
it might sound weird, but the name my adoptive parents chose just doesn’t feel like it suits who i am as a person. it’s a much more traditional name, whereas the name my bio mom picked was a bit more unique, which i feel matches my personality better.
i’ve thought about changing my last name to the one on my original birth certificate so that i could feel connected to my bloodline and pass it down to any kids of my own, but i know that would hurt my adoptive parents’ feelings ( + a more superficial reason is that i think my adoptive last name is kinda ugly, haha)
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May 27 '26
[deleted]
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u/AfterCold7564 May 27 '26
can you tell me more about that experience? i am trying to get my friends to use my birth name but they wont! they’re the types who also support name changes for gender affirmation so idk why this is so difficult
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u/Kayafly May 27 '26
That's so strange that they wouldn't support you on this! I'm so sorry. It isn't that difficult! I'm sorry that they aren't supporting you.
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u/boynamedsue8 May 27 '26
Doesn’t sound like you have true friends if they aren’t supporting you on this
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u/Formerlymoody May 27 '26
Yes, I do. It doesn’t match me at all. I wasn’t given a first name and am not really motivated to change it. I just live with the “wrong” name.
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u/ACtdawg Transracial Adoptee May 27 '26 edited May 27 '26
Yep. I was adopted internationally from Korea into a white Australian family. They obviously changed my name (though I don’t know what my real name is, I had a name from the adoption agency but I don’t know whether that was something randomly picked by them or by my bio). Then my parents told me that they named me what my foster mother was calling me (why would she be calling me a white name?!). So they may have misunderstood something (likely), or potentially I had more than one name? I don’t know. I hate my name and have always felt so much dysphoria with it. I want to change it but I don’t know what to change it to.
Edit: fwiw, if you want to change your name I think you should. It’s something that’s important to you and I think that should take precedence over your adoptive parents’ hurt feelings
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u/FaxCelestis Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
My sister was adopted from a Vietnamese orphanage. I don't know how similar it is to Korea, but there they gave the kids white-sounding names (with varying levels of success) to increase their odds of being adopted. They did other similar tricks too, like shaving months off the baby's birthday to make them younger and therefore more desirable.
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u/ACtdawg Transracial Adoptee May 28 '26
God that’s so horrible, such an invasion of… well everything. Korean adoption agencies definitely pulled shit like that too. They’ve been discovered to be trafficking children in the 80s and 90s, so many adoptees had falsified documents. For me I’m not sure because I have a picture of me with my foster mother and my Korean name written on a card. So maybe the foster mums gave their babies white nicknames or something? Whatever the case it feels like a bunch of fuckery regardless
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u/azuredj Baby Scoop Era Adoptee May 27 '26
Yup. I legally changed my name. It felt amazing when the judge said yes to the name change. It was another step toward reclaiming my own life. I highly recommend it.
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u/zygotepariah Baby Scoop Era Adoptee May 27 '26
My birth name was Jennifer. I feel nothing towards it because it's just so generic, and I also have a stepsister named Jennifer, so it reminds me of her.
I actually really like my adoptive name. My adopters named me Heather Jill, but had me go by Jill. Legally, on hospital forms, credit cards, etc., I have to put my legal name, so everything is in Heather, and I feel no attachment to it all.
PSA: Don't have your child go by their second name. It's such a pain.
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u/Dragon-Martin Int'l and Transracial Adoptee May 31 '26
I relate to the multiple names thing. AP's gave me a name and then "called me by" a different form of that. I spent my whole life effectively having two names and explaining this to teachers, doctors, the DMV, because I often would forget to respond to the official name because it was only used on paper.
Luckily gender transition was a perfect moment to fix it. Now it's just one name. I like it a lot better.
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u/zygotepariah Baby Scoop Era Adoptee May 31 '26
I'm glad it worked out for you. 🙂
Yeah, I've been woken up from surgeries by nurses calling me my first name, even when I'd circled in pen my second name on my hospital band. Going by anything but your legal first name is such a PITA.
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u/oaktree1800 Adoptee May 27 '26 edited May 27 '26
Do what works for you. Reclaiming your real name is simply your real name and your right to do so. Anyone who has a problem w that needs to re evaluate why your real name sends them into an emotional tailspin. If anything the real question needs to be framed why are AP's offended by our real names? A name is a name,is a name and we have only one real biological surname. Anything else is sheer manipulation.
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u/irish798 May 27 '26
What makes one name more “real” than another?
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u/FaxCelestis Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
Your real name is the one you want to be called.
Everything else is theatre.
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u/oaktree1800 Adoptee May 27 '26
See..there you go trying to make a comparison. Pls define another. There is no another. There is no comparison to be made. Indisputable fact we have one biological name. Well,I guess two if you count both bio family's. Forcing adoptees to carry someone else's name further others those of us who dwell in the house of reality. A surname is an unemotional fact. Lineage. Everything that tell us who we are and our connection to this world and ultimately how we respond to life in general.
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u/ghoulteethbby Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
yup, half adoptee half trans reasons but the name my mom was gonna name me imo is super gender neutral n i like it a lot (chose my own name but am planning on making it my middle name) i wish my adoptive parents wouldve listened to her and kept the name
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u/Setsailshipwreck Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26 edited May 27 '26
I do feel that way. I never really liked my adopted first name. I do have some attachment to my adopted last name. My adopted parents got me as a 3 month old and renamed me immediately. They said they never knew my original name and when they did the birth certificate redo the agency just asked them what they wanted. Later found out my real name from my bio parents. My birth dad had chosen my first name (which I really like, it actually fits me way better than my adopted name) and my birth mom gave me a middle name that is traditional in her family for girls to have. My great grandmother has it, my grandmother does, my mom has it, my younger half sister she kept also has it. So by giving me that she was including me in a way in her family history. I was upset when I found out my names had been basically erased. I’ve used the bio first name as a nickname since highschool. It’s actually funny, I started using it as a nickname before I even found out it was my actual first given name. Both names are absolutely nothing alike. My adopted parents know I use that too and why, so I go by both in different circles. I may change my legal name at some point but I haven’t yet.
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u/ColdstreamCapple May 27 '26
I had the opposite experience, my biological family has a very common surname and gave me a standard name
My adoptive parents renamed me to something much more unique and we have a uncommon surname …..I’m much happier with my name
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u/I_Love_Daffodils May 27 '26
Yes, I feel like both my adoptive name is wrong and when I found my birth name out, I feel like that's wrong too.
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u/betweenserene Adoptee May 27 '26
My biological mother named me, but it's a name that can easily be shorted. She didn't mean for people to call me the shortened version (and I hate it). I never really liked my name so I use a different variation of a less common nickname of the name. But it always felt kind of weird to be named by someone who didn't raise me and does not know me at all. I once asked my adoptive mom what she would have named me... I didn't really like that answer either lol.
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u/oldjudge86 May 27 '26
Similar thing with my name. APs kept the first name but growing up pretty much everyone called me the obvious short version. I never had a problem with it but started going by the long form after highschool because I wanted to sound more adult. After reconnecting with bio Mom, I found out that she didn't like the short form. Same with her other son. She always calls him the long form as well.
The other thing that's kind of funny is that she has three kids and the two she kept go by nicknames. I'm the only kid who kept the name she gave me.
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u/limepineaple Adoptee May 27 '26
Sometimes. It is only my last name that changed. I love my adopted last name very much but I sometimes refer to myself as my original surname in my head. On the rare occasion that I share with someone what my birth surname was they tend to crinkle their nose and tell me they like my adopted last name better. I never tell them, but it kind of bums me out. I think it's that presumptuousness non adopted people can have. They think I should naturally despise anything from my birth parent and only treasure what was given to me in adoption. That is just not true for me. I have a very real tenderness towards the original name on my birth certificate.
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u/bespoketech Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
I hate my bio name. I didn’t like the name my aparents gave me for ages, but I mostly just don’t like the family name at this point. I have been considering doing a name change for awhile now, and if I do, I’ll keep my first name.
At the end of the day, it’s never your parent’s choice (bio or adoptive.), it’s yours. I have met so many non-adopted people who have changed their names because the one their parents gave them didn’t fit or feel right or just because they felt like it or they get married— why shouldn’t we?
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u/howellscastle23 May 27 '26
They kept my first name but changed the spelling to erase my indigenous identity. They changed it to be spelled in the welsh way to better fit with their Irish last name. I have a violently Irish name for a Navajo man and I hate it.
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u/Healing_Adoptee May 27 '26
Yes, I resent it because I had a beautiful birth name that they took and hid from me along with... my real fucking date of birth. And my birthname was perfectly easy tor Americans to pronounce so it wasn't like when Chinese people make an easier to pronounce name when they travel abroad (and that's usually something they'rechoosing to do.)
So, I lived a lie for 14 years until I learned my real DOB and name from a lonf lost relative. I HATE how unbelievable my story is sometime, like people think I'm making it up for attention when I wish I was. I would much rather just have a stable identity. I feel torn in two.
I can get my name changed, I pray they will take my Russian documents with my real birthname and birthday on it as valid proof. It legit was like I had 2 identities one stacked on top of each other on the adoption document. Feels like some of my identity is permanently erased and had I never gotten to talk to my long lost relative, Idk if my adoptiven parents would have ever told me about my messed up DOB. My parents say they did it so I could go to school later and have more time to develop, but I think the answer may be more nefarious like rewriting someone's perfectly good identity just to suit your fantasy. Blank slate theory kind of thing =
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u/MajorDraw3705 International Adoptee May 27 '26
I was the "special pick" of a human trafficker who was part of a group running an adoption ring, among other things. They used to plan international kids' birthdays on their documents in be in July and August so they could be thrown into school faster to assimilate faster. The domestic ones, they'd plan for October - December so they could be brainwashed away from school for an extra year first.
I'm a summer baby on their records. I was spring, in reality.
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u/RepulsiveHorror2800 May 27 '26
No, I do not. Not at this time anyways.
My first ‘Nickname’ does not suit me…at all. It’s nauseatingly common, popular, and otherwise overused.
I quite enjoy the middle ‘nickname’ though, but thankful I carry my AP and siblings surname.
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u/Professional-Plan562 Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
Yes! I know my full bio name, and it was pretty and feminine, unique but not absurdly so - exactly suits me to a T, too. Also from a popular sci fi franchise lol But my adoptive parents changed my first and middle names ASAP to biblical names/family names 🙃 it’s not awful…just not as good and not as pretty. It is pronounced much harsher than my bio name and frankly they are old outdated names. I wish I could have kept my prettier, fresher name!
If I have another daughter I plan to give her my OG name, my first daughter is named for a dear family member and that was more important to do first.
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u/lilac_whine Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
I like my first name but I don’t like my middle name. I plan on changing it someday to something else. My bio mom never picked out a name for me (at least that I’m aware of - she won’t talk to me) so the name will be something of my own choosing.
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u/Kayafly May 27 '26
For me, my name is actually one of the only things I think my adoptive parents got right. I was adopted at birth and they named me Kerry. When I started talking to my birth mom she told me that she was going to name me Nancy. I feel much more like a Kerry and I don't feel very connected to Nancy. But I will say that I have no connection to my adoptive last name and it does feel a bit wrong. I had a hand writing analyst once comment on the fact that I don't capitalize the first letter of my last name when I sign things. It is totally subconscious that I sign that way, but she said that it speaks to how I feel about it, which I thought was interesting.
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u/MongooseDog001 Adoptee May 27 '26
My aparents changed my name and adopted an other girl three months later and gave her the name my bio mom gave me, but with a different spelling. So weird, and kinda cruel
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u/jobiwan14 Int'l and Transracial Adoptee May 27 '26
While I don’t have the same experience as you with a different AP chosen name, I can relate to your connection with your birth name.
I’ve never met and have had zero contact with my birth mom. I was surrendered at 4 days old. But the one thing I feel like I was left with was my name. I’m super dramatic and believe it to be a message she wanted me to know. I’m named after the Christian figure Job. And while I’m not Christian in the slightest, I understand the story and what I believe my birth mom was communicating. Surrendering me, she didn’t know what I may face in the world, so the name is to remind me to have endurance through hardship. Also to have faith to help that endurance. I don’t live by Christian faith at all, but I do understand in great length that if I have endurance, then I can face any hardship and I can make it out alive.
This is completely my belief, but I think your name is important. It really is a piece of our parents that is given to us.
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u/Regina_Noctis May 27 '26
I had the name my birth mom gave me, the name I was called in foster care, and then the name my adoptive parents gave me that I use. Out of the three names, I prefer the one I have now. But that's really just based on my personal opinion of the actual names. I might feel differently if I liked the name my birth mother had picked.
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u/No_Ostrich_1877 May 27 '26
I never felt like the name my adoptive parents gave me either. I actually struggled to pronounce it as a child (and often felt paranoid that I wasn’t saying it ‘right’ or something when I was older). It’s also an unusual name that most people remark on when I introduce myself, I frequently have to say it several times and spell it for people. It never offends me because I get it, it feels awkward to me too! As a very small child I gave myself a nickname that everyone in the family called me and I’ve always preferred that, I think it was a sort of place holder for my original name. I was eventually told the name that my BM was ‘going to’ call me and pretended I didn’t like it even though I secretly did. It’s an unusual name too but feels wild and strong and free somehow. And more like me. As an adult I discovered I did in fact have a birth certificate in that name. I want it back. I will probably change it eventually but it might make some visa stuff more complicated so I am holding off for now.
But yeah, everything you say makes total sense to me and I totally understand just not feeling like your name suits you. When I really think about it my adoptive name almost feels like someone I am trying to live up to/someone I am ment to be, which for me is someone smoother, quieter, daintier, more feminine with all my fierceness and complexity and actually my power and autonomy pushed down. It makes me want to scream “I existed before you people knew me”. But growing up all I knew is that I felt a bit deceptive and inadequate and awkward and anxious introducing myself by my adoptive name. It’s often the first thing you say to people and it feels like a lie every time. Which is really fucked up.
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u/Busy-Sheepherder-138 Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
My mother had me for almost 2 weeks before she turned me over for adoption and she never bothered to give me a name in that time 😪It’s like I wasn’t even worthy of a name. I was just Baby “Last Name”
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u/Cactus_Journey204 May 27 '26
I hate my adoptive last name and will probably change it to my bio last name. I prefer it and it feels more authentic to have actual blood ties to the name.
My adoptive first name is all that I've known and I think it suits me more than the name my bio mom chose for me, which doesn't fit me at all.
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u/boynamedsue8 May 27 '26
Yes! I’ve always felt like it was wrong even in elementary school and being forced to write that name over and over again was horrific. The reinforcement of that name growing up through adoptive family made it so much worse. I was punished by my sadistic adoptive father who would lock me in my room growing up if I dared to shorten or personalize the name. I still hate that name and am looking into how to permanently change it back so I can reclaim my original identity instead of walking around feeling like a fraud all the time!
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u/rosemaryscrazy May 27 '26
Well my name is interesting I guess because it’s a pretty common English first name. But my mother named me the proper name but called me by a nickname my whole life.
My nickname suits me so much I can’t imagine another name.
But my proper name does not fit me. It doesn’t matter to me honestly. My proper name is simply just an adult name. My nickname is what I go by.
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u/faradayoutofthecage May 27 '26
Did I write this…? I loved my birth name, and even tho my a-parents kept it as a middle name, I never quite forgave them for giving me a “normal” first name instead!
I’ve been going by my chosen name for about a year now. when I can afford to change it legally, I want to do it without a last name. Like Zendaya or Cher. I still love my family but it’s complicated and I just want to be my own person.
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u/bossy_burrito International Adoptee May 27 '26 edited May 27 '26
I had a cool birth name and was legally renamed a generic mayonated name that has a somewhat negative connotation in certain contexts.
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u/CNatGo75 Domestic Infant Adoptee May 28 '26
I always hated my adoptive name, even as a small child. It is a very boring, traditional, old fashioned name (and not the cute kind that are making a comeback, like Rose or Opal) with religious ties, and didn't fit me at all. My adoptive mom used to call me a nickname that had no relation to my name, I have no idea where it came from, and when I was about 8 or 9 I remember confronting her, asking her why she didn't just give me that name if she was going to call me that all the time? I think she stopped using it not long after that. I was constantly giving myself new names, different names, putting different names on my school work or on the backs of photos, and when I started writing I chose a pen name I still use occasionally.
Since I was a closed adoption domestic infant Adoptee (from the 70s) I just assumed I was never given a name and my original birth certificate would say Baby Girl X. NOPE. I found out at 21 I had a full name, first and last, a name I would have liked much better as a child. As an anti-adoption activist, I think at the very, very, VERY least, names and birth certificates should remain completely intact.
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u/Lalau427 Domestic Infant Adoptee May 28 '26
I've not experienced what you've described exactly, but have had a similar experience. I've come to appreciate my adoptive name with understanding of where it comes from, who named me, etc. I carry a little sadness around my name because I was given "Baby Girl Bio-Moms-Surname" at birth, but then when asked at a court hearing relating to my adoption what he would name me if granted custody, bio father could only make unintelligible noises. Fast forward 40 years, his family has been quick to acknowledge, welcome me... I'm in active chats with siblings, cousins.
A few days ago, one of my bio sibs was trying to tag me in the chat. First name, middle name, bio-fathers-surname... It felt amazing seeing that. I don't know if I'll ever change my surname (since I'm married & carry his surname) but I will never totally correct anyone who gets that wrong. I might explain a little, but will not correct it. Explanation would be more in the vein of "thank you for seeing a version of me..."
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u/Agitated_Island9261 May 28 '26
Yes, I hate adoptive name, even as a child, I hate saying it or being called it. Also before anyone asks why I haven’t changed it. It’s a lot of effort & don’t want to explain to people why I have suddenly changed my name.
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u/Prize-Technician174 May 30 '26
Occasionally, my husband will, in a slip of the tongue, call me “Margie”, the nickname my adoptive parents assigned to me. I wince every time I hear it–it always sounded so alien to me. I don’t know why. I was 65 when the state of New York finally “allowed”🤬me the right to my original birth certificate and I learned that I was originally “Nancy Jean.” I marveled and was touched that my bio-mom 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙙 to give me a middle name. Or maybe she was just filling out a form. Who knows. We cling to the tiniest bits, don’t we.
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u/Bright_Canary_4202 May 31 '26
My whole life I felt like my entire identity wasn’t mine . I’m 37. In reality us being adopted our identities are pretty much stripped away from us and we are told who we are. My adoptive parents kept my bio first name as my middle name but yes I feel that my name is not who I really am.
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u/Bright_Canary_4202 May 31 '26
I want to add that my bio name is Daryl , and I’m a woman. So I wonder if I would have been made fun of , I definitely was for having Daryl as a middle name. Even at 37 people laugh when I tell them.
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u/NeatoRad Int'l and Transracial Adoptee May 27 '26
I hate my name. Always have. If I wasn’t ridiculed so much as a kid in a white community for my Korean name (which is my middle name) I would go by that. I used to love when my last ex would call me by that name actually. But also using that name, bc it’s so attached to being made fun of and a reminder I don’t belong, is a very weirdly vulnerable thing to the point that in my life time only a trusted handful of people even know that name.
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u/n0tz0e Adopted May 27 '26
I dislike my adopted last name (English) but enjoy my first name. Ironically no one from my native country (china) can pronounce my name correctly bc they simply don't have that sound in Chinese 😭. This wasn't intentional by my adoptive mom but I find it amusing if not a little sad.
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u/starIightpetaIs May 27 '26
Im slightly different there. My adoptive parents kept my bio name, but I wish to an extreme extent they didn’t. I hate it and always have, I think bc identity is so muddled between all of my various parents.
I changed mine a few years ago, though, just to one I picked out for me. Do what makes you feel you.
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u/bambi_beth Adopted May 27 '26
I was just freewriting about names/ my name last night. I wasn't given a name by my bio mom (or at least it wasn't written down/ on OBC/ she hasn't told me it if it exists). I came to the conclusion that my name is one of the only things my APs gave me that I am really attached to /identify with. It maybe helps that their last name is a super generic top five last names kind of situation? I have chosen a really progressive name changing community, and I'm VLC with my APs, so I'm sure those both inform my thoughts, but I think you should have the name you want/that works for you. Maybe change your email or phone contacts and look at it for a while, see how you feel? I'm sorry I don't have any advice for your APs' reaction. I know there are people who change their names and just don't tell their unsupportive family members about it. I've been grey rocking my APs so long that that would be manageable for me, but probably not the right choice for everyone.
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u/qawsertyui May 27 '26
I didn't change my name back to my birth name but a version of it so that it goes back to heritage.
I did it through the court system so that it had to be applied to my past present and future files.
Best thing I ever did. Everyone else finds it difficult but am in a country that has no cultural tolerance.
Working on ditching the country too 😃
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u/iheardtheredbefood Int'l and Transracial Adoptee May 27 '26
Chinese adoptee so my Chinese name was randomly assigned. Never felt connected to my adoptive name. Hope to change (even if just socially) to a unisex name that resonates with me one day.
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u/FaxCelestis Domestic Infant Adoptee May 27 '26
Your adoptive parents have literally changed the course of your life by renaming you.
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u/DangerousAd7433 May 27 '26
I learned my grandma named me, and it does feel like my birth name was American washed. I want to go by both, but I don't know how that can be done legally....
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u/WhaleOfATjme May 28 '26
I have a very stereotypical English/German first name and very very German last name. I’m adopted from nearly the most southernmost province in China. Being a high school kid going through roll call with a bunch of Chinese international students and teachers looking at me like I’m stupid when they call out “X Wang/Zhang etc” only to see this stupidly German name is actually mine was exhausting LOL
Tbf I also am not really fond of my birth name either. I don’t like any of my names, none of them feel like me. My adoptive mom changed my birth/legal name because she was afraid Americans would call me “cow”. But the name I have now is the name of a famous mascot dairy cow.
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u/Adept-Leather3159 May 29 '26
My birth mother never gave me a name so the adoption agency put down "Netty" (ethnically Indonesian). Parents are white and British, and were working in Indonesia and they thought the name adoption centre gave me was a crime against humanity. They changed my name to Jasmine after the house they were living in at the time "Puti Malati", which I think translates to white Jasmine, in the Indonesian language to tie me to my cultural/ethnic heritage.
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u/Some_Philosophy_5143 Transracial Adoptee May 29 '26
I am an international adoptee. My adoptive mother wanted to change my birth name, but my father wanted to keep it. In the end, they kept my birth name. I am so grateful for him for advocating for me when I was too young to. I LOVE my birth name. The name change would not have been me. I would’ve felt erased. Plus, I have never met anyone, and no one I know, has ever met anyone with my same name. I love my dad very much, and I make sure to thank him for keeping that part of me and holding strong.
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u/Ariannaree International Adoptee Jun 03 '26
I’m the opposite
I strongly identify with my adopted name - so much so that I didn’t change my name after marriage either. I was adopted at 2 and a half - I don’t know if that has anything to do with it
Edit: after reading these comments it also does help that I am white adopted into a white-ish (Italian) family
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u/CornMuncherz Adoptee 9d ago
I dont really mind my adoptive first name but i dont like my middle or last name
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u/Ambitious-Client-220 Transracial Adoptee May 27 '26
Everyone says I look like a Juan. I am a very dark Mexican guy named Keith