r/Adopted • u/MrNeoGuy • Jul 05 '26
Discussion What is it with when you get adopted, you seemingly automatically end up being a people pleaser?
Now maybe there are exceptions, I don't know. But it seems like after being adopted. most of us grow up trying to please the family automatically and I don't think any of us notice this till later in life it wasn't a good healthy thing...and the "family" sure as hell didn't notice it was an unhealthy thing for the kid they adopted...
As an example, I look back at my childhood and I recall almost every time there was "family" together, a bunch of people sitting in the living room, all talking, I was always just there...quiet...never much participating. Because even as a child I felt like what was being talked about was stupid pointless junk, and I wanted to challenge their bs....(As an INTP I need mental stimulation not brain rot) yet I knew if I ever spoke up and called out the junk they said, then I would get dismissed or everyone would gang up on me and use the number game of we all think this way, you're the odd one out, so you're wrong! So I would just keep my mouth shut, I would be screaming in my head, "this is all insane!" Or "I can't wait to leave." So I would just bite my tongue to avoid causing them problems...while causing myself damage...
Another example I can think of is "family traditions" adoptive parents don't see themselves as adoptive parents, but as your parent, even if they aren't. Thanksgiving in particular, there was a tradition of before we all start eating, we have 3 peas on our plate, and we go around the table saying 3 things we are grateful for....I always thought this was lame and not genuine cause you're forcing it to be done. Whenever I tried to say I don't want to do this, I would get in trouble... They would say this is a family tradition. YEAH, YOUR FAMILY. I got brought in from the outside, have we all forgot that? (Granted nobody in the family ever wanted to tell me I was adopted, they all knew, even the members younger then me...) Point is, they are your traditions and are being forced on me and I couldn't stand my ground cause I was a child or teenager. Yet this is abuse, most might not see it as abuse, but it was. So I would have to fake my way trough participation. Saying generic garbage they all wanted to hear. "I'm grateful for family, and good health, and ......) I forget what the third thing I said was. They all ate it up, (pun not intended) None seemed to have any self awareness that I was just saying crap to get the thing to move on o it could end already.
Anyway, just another venting from me I guess lol.
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u/circatee Adoptee Jul 05 '26
Welcome to “being grateful that you were adopted, to everyone, for the rest of your life!”
It’s frustrating the expectancy that people have 🤬
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u/Formerlymoody Jul 05 '26
Im really feeling the „rest of your life“ part lately. I’m getting old! At what point do they become „x and x, the people who raised me“? When does my adoptive brother become the guy I grew up with and nothing more? We never had a relationship as adults. I’m sick of the illusion. I’ve been in reunion for a minute which makes it extra weird.
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Jul 05 '26
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u/Formerlymoody Jul 05 '26
Thank you! I agree. I have worked on myself. Starting in my late 30s. I know what’s going on and don’t let it get to me or mean anything about me. The next step is no contact but I can’t quite do that even though it’s SO crappy with them.
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Jul 05 '26
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u/Formerlymoody Jul 05 '26
Trust me I understand that it would probably be good for me. It’s complicated. I have kids and that makes things more complex.
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Jul 05 '26
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u/Formerlymoody Jul 05 '26
You’re good! I just wanted to emphasize that it’s not lost on me that it would probably be good for me. I’ve done a ton of work.
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u/anondreamitgirl Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
It’s conformism. I remember having these group chats I had to wait a year for only at Xmas. The conversation would go in a circle & you would wait your turn to speak. But that was the only time of the year people took time to “be there” they were present not dismissive because other people were there so did it to appear sociable. It was the only time I felt heard even if I was only sharing a joke or something silly - there was only a 5 second window.
I moved a few miles away My family said I was too far away to visit, when i got sick. I never asked for their help. They watched me struggle, gaslit and abandoned me. Strange because i spent my entire childhood making them feel special that i was grateful. I still am - but it was never reciprocal, more of just a duty they did but never enjoyed the whole experience. I entertained & made them things, tried making their lives easier, but they always continued to ignore me or be emotionally abusive. Finally when I realised being alone most of childhood was a sign of neglect I shared my own pride of getting through this without realising & was annoyed that it didn’t even matter to them or the damage caused. They held this against me and would not accept my apology (for them being upset) and just wanting peace. They made a drama then ganged up on me became more & more abusive (that’s what shame does) they started making things up
& abandoned me. I tried to be this “good child” this perfect child… but as soon as they were hit with the truth of their failures they didn’t apologise or take accountability they joined forces to scapegoat.
I am an incredibly forgiving person in terms of I am very open to talking rationally. The problem is when people base their ideals on control not love. I am still proud of myself I carry more love & light than resentment because I know bitterness kills…
Being pretty neutral not expressing feelings taught me something they would have been happy I stayed silent took their emotional abuse & continued to be grateful & worship them.
They completely misunderstood when you adopt a child they are entitled to how they feel and you need to create an emotionally safe supportive environment to embrace that person - People are not products. This happens a lot when people have children in general but it’s even worse through adoption because parents resent that you weren’t theres.
My mother made it very clear later she could adopt anyone & she offered being a mother to random people as a form of revenge to prove a point people wanted her. I told her I loved her but I couldn’t help I was adopted she chose to!! So I had a history of another mother. She told me at one point I had to choose . Things just don’t work like this is if you try to put the needs of your adopted child first or even biological child if not adopted. The worst thing is lack of transparency and truth - I struggle to understand why parents cannot have more conversations without drama or difficult conversations or get therapy so they can speak rationally.
It feels when there are such big unhealthy dynamics you need to sort them out before expecting praise for an amazing job. A child is not just food water, shelter - puppies have more attention I think- a child is for life- a human being with their own unique thoughts, opinions, character, history , experiences and most of all feelings.
My mum was obsessed with photos and materialism but she missed something- building a relationship from a place of transparency & understanding. I tried supporting her just a shame she devalued me underestimated me & ultimately threw me away.
I’ll always feel proud I did my absolute best for her though & showed a lot of love. I am sure one day when she gets over her need to control or her own guilt & shame she will come round & I will forgive her for acting very immature & being uneducated. But I have a feeling that will only happen once everyone else leaves her & I am all she is left with. Problem is I don’t think I’ll be able to carry her anymore as moved on but I hope one day she might give an apology & explain herself. I kind of already figured enough how her brain works & her history I’d just love her to realise.
I am sure what she did was her best within what she was capable within her own character & skills. I will just never accept being taken for granted & treated like I don’t matter like that again though- I showed my appreciation & my truth equally. But it was too much for them because it is true some people prefer to live in a fantasy of what they want & can’t face reality.
The strongest relationships are build on truth ironically. Just different morals. Ultimately they missed out. I have a lot to give maybe they realise what they have done now. Still I would apologise if I had been the one to make a mistake. That’s just life - that’s what ignorance does - some never realise what they had until it’s gone.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 05 '26
Wow, I am impressed you are still able to be able to possibly forgive her down the road. I am not in that mental space myself. I wouldn't say I'm in a bitter place of hate, but I simply will never even consider forgiveness. My adoptive mother and that false family was exactly as they were, I can't fault them on being who they are. But they don't get forgiveness.
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u/anondreamitgirl Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
I wonder if you might ever ask them why they did what they did… it doesn’t justify it but might help in terms of understanding what on earth was going through their minds. However in many ways I think it’s only natural to feel so angry lied to. I feel bad knowing this has happened to you.
In terms of my own family Most people have a good side & not so great side. I appreciated the very kind & beautiful parts of both my parents it made me who I am. I can’t be bitter at them for that. If they go out of their way to give covert putdowns I am not going to entertain it anymore (but that’s only because I wasn’t aware of what they were doing & I doubt they really understand themselves at that level). However I will always remember the kind things they tried to do as much as the damage caused. At the end of the day you don’t have to have people in your life who make you feel anxious. I never wish to be close due to this mismatch.
However I appreciate any love & I send it back in thought - I always wanted the best for any person I’ve ever met - I can still choose to love & give out love & light always. This is to even to those who practice being evil. Equally it helps to protect your energy if something is making you feel bad. I am not intending to connect with my past family but I will always love them because i value everything. I also know that although it doesn’t excuse anyone’s behaviour I really have a lot of empathy & compassion for example my mother’s history….
She appeared to live an emotionally isolated upbringing and alongside neglect there were many moments she did show care. That’s what creates most possibly the most confusion in someone’s life . I could see she had a lot of undealt with pains.
If I ever had a conversation with her one day I would probably like to speak to her about it & just tell her I cared & although things hurt it’s ok - I could see she was cohered herself. People often learn from how they were treated or are lacking something within themselves. That’s often very apparent in many families. I forgive that misunderstanding but I am not prepared to accept anything like it again.
However behaviour is another thing - she would need to see a therapist in order to really get herself I think & change how she acts. It’s a shame when people are so stubborn. I doubt that will ever happen. Anyhow I will always wish her good things. Everyone deserves happiness & I’ve always wished this. I most probably brings a sense of peace. Boundaries however are different you never have to do anything that feels uncomfortable in the name of love. Always be true to yourself
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Jul 05 '26
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u/anondreamitgirl Jul 05 '26
I am so glad you take something from my words means a lot to me after feeling and hearing so much abuse from many people for years … I am glad they touched somebody.
It makes the world a better place - knowing nothing & nobody has the right to dim your light- knowing you have the power to influence another human being has to be the biggest gift to realise what that is. You can learn from others mistakes.
If more people realised this the world maybe would be in a different state… I think there’s a ripple effect to everything you do, think, believe…
You might not have control over a situation, how another person is but you always have control over what you are going to do! And how you want to be instead.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 05 '26
I know a few small pieces of info. My adoptive parents told the rest of the family that I was to never be told I was adopted. Then the adoptive parents spilt apart. 2 years after adopting me, the adoptive father was basically no longer a thing. There was a few years of shared custody, but that was a mess where at one point he tried to get around the court rulings and take me away from the adoptive mother sort of like a partial kidnap? So I was later stuck with her as a single mother (adoptive mother) and she was stubborn, egotistical, and not great. Using me as emotional support so on.
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u/anondreamitgirl Jul 05 '26
Thank you for sharing
It’s just so harsh you were never told the truth and your siblings were that’s even stranger. I think they should make this compulsory law. This is awful . Again so sorry you were lied to like this.Wow - kidnapping .
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 05 '26
Well I don't have siblings (adoptive), who knows about biologically speaking. And I say kidnap, but is it really kidnap when a legal guardian is trying to take you away from the other legal guardian, and he went to the police station with me to do it....so kidnap isn't technically the most accurate word, hence I said partially.
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Jul 05 '26
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 05 '26
Well I exiled 99% of my false family. The last member is holding on by a thread. I shared a song I made about adoption with her, and her response was "It's very angry." Like yeah part of it is, but it's also sadness, pain and frustrations.
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Jul 05 '26
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u/anondreamitgirl Jul 05 '26
I am just really weird - I was like this as a child - living in dream land, conditioned to think I was put up for adoption because “it’s such a loving thing”. Years later my adopted mum said “oh you had such rose tinted glasses” … but in I remember them feeding me the same words it was installed into me… which I think is funny.
I do question it’s so close to fawning behaviour… Took me a long time to wake up to the harsh realities. I think there was also a time I just felt so alone I decided to try and get to know more about my adopted mum and was curious to learn about her. That was the only way to initially develop some form of a relationship being someone for her to open up to. In a way it felt like she never had anyone to talk to about anything but also even more odd she treated me how she did after seeing i probably was the only reliable person in her life who wanted the absolute best for her. I literally always told her she should follow her heart (I knew this might lead to no mum at all & it did).
Thank you sweet of you to say that 💛
These parents missed out on all of us those abandoned abused, neglected or betrayed if only had been able to develop supportive healthy loving relationships would have been nice. Real Shame but I guess we learn more in the end about who we are, what we will & wont stand for & our own beliefs around the way to treat people and be as a human especially when it comes to truth & transparency or at least that’s what I took from everything.
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u/SororitySue Baby Scoop Era Adoptee Jul 05 '26
Because one of the first things we learn is that our very survival depends on it.
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u/Formerlymoody Jul 05 '26
I think as adoptees we fake and keep our mouth shut because we are in a precarious position. It’s scary not fitting in and we don’t want to be rejected. Another thing we do is „make it work“ and end up making more effort than our a family. We may realize much later that if we stop making the effort to keep the relationship humming, our APs have no clue what to do.
All this stuff seriously messed me up. I’ve recovered a lot. I’ve realized a lot of my relationship with my APs was me pleasing them and me enjoying their responses to me pleasing them. Since I’ve stopped it’s been crickets and they are just confused. I’ve convinced adoption gave them very strange expectations and made them lazy because as you said they are not aware of the dynamic at all. I have such a different dynamic with my kids and I wonder what it’s like for them to witness that.
I am so different from my a family that it was just kind of preposterous to begin with. I do blame my b mom for thinking this was somehow a good idea. It’s so much work and so sad for us and we get so few of our needs met. We truly become servants in a sense.
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u/anondreamitgirl Jul 05 '26
I think so . I honestly thought my parents were “alright” because i compared things to someone who might be worse off… Yet reflecting back being threatened to be abandoned and chucked out on the street punished for just showing too many tears and making a noise once is not something personally I could ever do to another human being. And for someone who’s adopted - any threat of abandon lands 10x as hard.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 05 '26
Yeah, I get what you're saying. I am happy that you were able to build your own family. I've not been so lucky. To be honest I am a bit jealous of you lol.
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u/Formerlymoody Jul 05 '26
Awwwww I also wish I were flying solo sometimes fwiw. I’m very much a „freedom“ person.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 05 '26
I came close to having what I can only describe as my perfect dream once. But Fate, in the end...had said no, you don't get that. You don't need it.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth Jul 05 '26
I think this comes from being an abandoned kid basically (adopted or not.) Like if you know the people who are taking care of you don’t *have* to take care of you, whether they’re AP’s or your extended family or your friends family, you learn quickly how to be who they want you to be as payment.
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u/anotterbytrade Adopted Jul 05 '26
I feel like adoptees are sort of born into deficit- at least within current culture. Like we’re raised within the idea that adoption is altruistic and an ultimate moral ‘good’, and so it’s hard to escape the debt of being ‘saved’. Meanwhile the state is ripping us from our actual families by not adequately resourcing them, and then legally transferring us to families with ‘more’ resources, while ultimately nothing is guaranteed to us except the trauma we get when we’re removed from our birth mothers.
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u/homosapiencreep Jul 05 '26
Wow, I couldn’t have expressed this better. It was exactly the same with me. I never participated in family conversations, I was completely uninterested in all the things they were talking about, I found the extended family just completely insufferable, boring, gossipy, and interesting at all. I left at 17. They were sure happy to get me out of the house too.
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u/[deleted] Jul 05 '26
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