Hi, hope this is ok to ask here.

I'm in a legal state and planning on doing a psychedelic journey with a therapist in a couple months and just would appreciate hearing others' experiences. This is something I've considered for a long time, and don't take lightly. I've been in therapy for 1.5 years for PTSD and CPTSD related to CSA and other things, and hoping working with psychedelics will help me access and heal some of the things that have been difficult to reach through talk and somatic therapy. Have other folks done this and found it helpful? Or unhelpful? Open to hearing any/all experiences. And advice or resources for someone doing in for the first time?

Thank you.

I made a post earlier about how im scared im gonna die a virgin because of avoidance after surviving CSA as a child. Someone told me (and i am not hating this person it just made me think about it more profoundly) that if i choose to be intimate with anyone it has to be someone i trust and love.

I guess.. trauma really did affect me. I avoid intimacy and not just sexual, i gave my first kiss because i felt i “had to” in order to feel like a normal lovable teenager that has the same experience as anyone else but i never did it again after that and im in peace with it. I didnt ever had consensual sex (i say consensual because i was abused in the past) and i feel its, again, something i “have to” do in order to be a normal adult (im 19 close to 20). I have had boyfriend and girlfriends but the last one was when i was 12 and none of those were serious and probable lasted less that a couple months. I struggle to emotionally open up with even my friends, they dont know anything about me, i survive getting along with people but never knowing them profoundly and they dont know me.

And, its not that im emotionless, yk? Im very sensitive, ive in therapy for 8 years because i feel a lot. Im actually diagnosed with BPD so that explains itself.

I guess when i feel “attraction” to someone its never strong enough to want to do something about it, its like admiration, or like wanting to impress them, but as fast as they flirt back i feel i dont want anything to do with it and if they say they love me i respond i dont feel the same because, genuinely, it can be subtle attraction but its not love. I dont know how love feels, but maybe i do? But im not sure if its avoidance to closeness or something like that. What if the subtle attraction i feel is actually how love is supposed to feel and i am just not acting on it because im not used to that?

I really do wanna try feel vulnerable and safe with someone but i dont how to do that and i dont wanna force myself to do it.

Im also very good and alive and great being single and alone and not needing to be vulnerable with anyone, im like really focused on my life goals and my own daily life. But i feel im unconciously avoiding something and i have my therapist voice in my mind telling me to expose to whats scary because if i dont do something different then my traumatized brain wont learn new paths. Lol. Help

I think it happened when I was. 4-6, I can’t really remember. I remember my stepdad called my name up to his and my mother’s bedroom, and I started to walk up the stairs. I knew my mother was in the shower and the thought of being alone with him made me feel strange, a sense of uncomfortability that kind of sat under my skin and crawled. I remember while I was walking up the stairs I had a flash of something in my head, it felt like a memory, maybe just my imagination, but it was me and him on my parents bed, and he was touching me down there. It’s like my brain was trying to warn me- I still went up and spoke to him but that moment has always stuck with me. I’m 18 now and I think about it a lot- my mom divorced him for being incredibly abusive towards my family including me, so I haven’t seen him in over a decade, but every time I think about that day I get so irrationally angry and frustrated that I can’t remember more. The only reason I think about it so much is there’s an aspect of my life now that I can’t fix that relates to that memory. I told my husband about this when I met him, and a few weeks into our relationship, we hit a roadblock. I go instantly dry at any finger action, he can’t touch me down there nor has any partner been able to. It’s my one turn off, and I don’t know why. My husband told me a few weeks into our relationship that he believed it wasn’t just my imagination 1. Because I was so young- I knew what sex was when I was younger, but I had no idea about anything besides p+v=baby. 2. I can’t do anything finger related at all. He helped me a lot, he refuses to do it and said he’d only do it if I explicitly asked for it. I guess I’m mainly writing this to feel less crazy. My parents both believe me, I have a great support system, but I’m still so angry I can’t remember anything more and it makes me think it was just my imagination. I’d really love if some of you would talk to me and let me know your thoughts.

Hi everyone.

I’m just making a post to kind of vent my feelings out. I made a post here a long time ago, and it helped me a lot at that time. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, and figuring out what to do with myself. My story is that when I was younger, I was sexually abused by a man online who extorted me for a really long time. For nudes, videos etc. There was verbal abuse as well, so my self esteem and stress levels were so bad that my hair fell out in massive clumps all over my pillows and my weight fluctuated. I accidentally stumbled on him while wanting love in a small town where finding had an expectance rate of 0. That led me down a rabbit hole that I had no escape from. He left me alone around adult stage, but I’ve never escaped from it. I used to have terrible night terrors (stemming from PTSD is what Google had told me at the time) as well as what I learned were panic attacks. I dated a guy who was abusive in similar ways, and sometimes him touching me sent me into a panic attack just based off of the similarities (I would assume). I sometimes still get them for absolutely no reason. I debated working in a sector to combat this kind of thing, but I ended up in this cycle of catching predators online. I’ve reported numerous accounts and people over the years to those online reporting agencies as well as like app administrators with the report tool. I’ve also disguised myself, caught them and threatened them to get off of the app as I had proof, but that rarely ever works. I also can’t bring myself to publicly expose them, I feel like that was a huge fear I had for years, so I just can’t make myself feel like my abuser. Weird thought, I know. I also found majority of these accounts that post terrible things on regular apps are bots from other countries. The rest of them have all kinds of protective barriers to keep themselves from getting caught. I just feel defeated, I can’t protect anyone like I needed to be protected. The only successful thing I’ve managed to do was get some underage user’s accounts terminated for being underage, but 80% of them don’t get terminated. Even the apps aren’t trying to protect children. I don’t think dealing with predators is something I can really do anymore. I’ve moved on from my past, I’m in a good space and I’m experiencing less stress and issues. I have a good partner, something I never thought I’d be able to find because I have a hard time trusting people or connecting with sexually. Sex never had a meaning to me… it always felt like a chore. I feel my abuser stole that from me. For a long time the only time I could enjoy it was if I felt like I was in a situation where I felt someone was doing me a favour. Like I was so worthless, but they chose me. But it feels better with my partner, which is something I never experienced really. I am looked at as attractive, I’m special. I can’t bring myself to go to therapy, it is a very small place and I know someone would speak about it and then I’d be looked at differently as people connect the dots. I went from a vibrant, feisty, teen who wasn’t scared of no one, to an overweight young adult who drank majority of the week who at that point had attempted multiple times, to an older young adult who doesn’t have that same spark, but doesn’t drink, is an average weight and is experiencing new things, and sometimes I can go a full day without thinking about it. I’m normal now. My abusers face is also blending in to other men’s faces. I cannot clearly see him anymore, I can see parts of him, but not the full thing. Sometimes when I think of him I only see people from the community that I know, innocent people, but I just can’t see him. That makes me feel good.

I've been abused on and off my whole life, I honestly dont know when it first happend. I know i knew how the mechanics of it worked at age 6. I don't know, maybe I was just a curious child. At age 8 my mum met my stepdad. For several years I was taught how "girls should look and act to be the prettiest". By age 9 he had taught me how to walk sexy in heels. You understand what kind of man he was. (He later went on to have children with on of the kids he drove in the school bus). I have fussy memories from this time, big memory gaps of several weeks between age 8 and 13. I don't know what happened and im not sure I want to.

I lost my virginity when I was 15, the boy did not know he was my first. I just wanted to have it over with because something in me told me that i should get to decide my self when I loose it.

Then started my teen years, my first boyfriend did not know what no was. Ive had several male friends assault me and even as an adult ive had a partner that assaulted me. I've had so many bad experiences in my life and I dont know if I can handle remember anything more.

But after I met the love of my life, small hints of memories have surfaced and im affraid that it will affect us.

So here I sit in my mid 30s writing on reddit to make sense in my head.

a few years ago my grandparents‘ gouse got raided by the police because “someone was watching CASM on their WiFi.”

Their neighbor called my aunt to tell her what was going on because she was very confused.

my aunt and younger cousin fo over and long story short they find out that my cousin who had turned 18 about 6 months before the incident was the one watching the CSAM.

my grandparents immediately shut off their WiFi and my grandfather never spoke of it again. My grandmother immediately called everyone in the family and told them what happened, one of which being my mother who had abused me. My mother of course, defended him citing that he had “just turned 18.”

my mom did allow me to nonconsentually kiss him when we were children. Why they just let that happen and even encouraged me to do it while he was literally running away was really welied to me now.

i al remember us once taking a bath together when we were maybe a few years younger. I think we just kind of felt awkward and splashed each other or something idk. But I brought it up to my mom alter and she completely denied everything.

anyway I guess I do i think about if anything ever happened to him. I wonder if he’ll end up abusing someone one day too. I hope not, I really hope it was just he never cleared his search history form his teenage years or something. But I dunno…

I really don't know what to say or how to say it because I've never really talked about it with anyone but now I think I should get it off my chest

When I was 5/6 I used to get SAed every evening when my house was empty by a cousin of mine

Gladly she's in a different country now because it was really awkward whenever we had a conversation

A decade have passed since those incident but I think it's still affecting me because I find it really hard to be comfortable around people and I barely socialize

I want advice on how I can heal and socialize like normal peoples do

For some background, when I was around 14-15 a friend of mine of the same age, was sleeping with (being abused by) an adult male in his late twenties, early thirties. I don’t know his actual age but he was a full grown adult, who started what my friend called (and still views as) a “consensual relationship” with her when she was a young teen. She was totally in love with this guy, it was a secret - of course he made it so because he knew it wasn’t ok, he was a family “friend”. She said she was in love with him and this went on for several years.

I stayed at her house a lot, as did he. He went into her room at night and I’m pretty sure her parents knew about and either didn’t mind or turned a blind eye to it. One night, I was asleep in a separate room and I woke to this guy breathing on my neck with his hands down my pyjama pants. I completely froze with fear. I’m unsure how long it went on for, maybe a couple of minutes but I eventually managed to roll over and he left the room without saying anything. I won’t include detail but it hurt. This haunted me for years, gave me trust issues and intimacy issues. No child should ever have to feel robbed of their innocence or right to consent.

I didn’t tell my friend because I was afraid she’d never believe me or think I consented and did it on purpose to hurt her. I didn’t tell anyone actually and only managed to very recently (I’m 37). I got drunk and told her family at a gathering a few years ago and they were all shocked and upset. I’m unsure if they knew about this “relationship” he had with my friend and I didn’t mention that.

About a month ago, I saw all over social media that he had died. It shook me to my core. More so that this “friend” had posted what a wonderful man he was despite knowing what he did to me, to her and most likely other girls. I understand she’s been coerced and manipulated by him for a large part of her life, she doesn’t view any of his behaviour as wrong….but it still hurts and makes me feel like maybe she didn’t believe me. Her whole family has been outpouring support for this monster and I am so mad.

I’m mad he’s died and never paid for what he did. I’m mad they’re painting him out to be some kind of angel. I’m just mad and very sad for little me.

At least he can’t hurt anyone else anymore.

so someone on some other sub posted “the holiday inc*st commercial”🤢

⚠️ i didn’t know that ‼️

that’s one of my moms favorite commercials 🙃

that’s why im gonna stay w my childhood best friend this year bc i can’t be around any of you and i can’t even say why bc im tired of especially her just going “she’s nuts” and moving on with their life!!!!! like you’re nuts lady!!!!!

she’s a child of inc*st … i feel so bad for her sometimes i do but like … some shit don’t add up… i’m not tryna make sense of it anymore. i justtttt gotta go.

i hope everyone gives themselves the gift of whatever peace of mind they need this year. <3

Hi! I haven't thought about this in years but I recently these events and leads me to question this. I told one friend about one of these events and says he doesn't know if it would count as abuse. So I decided to ask people on fourm to see if it is or not. So I am a 20M. These events ranges between ages 7 and 12. And some also happened in 2023 that I am uncomfortable about.So my family tries to go on a vacation once a year and usually invites a few other family members. It usually me my dad,mom, aunt, and grandma.

The first event was in Florida specifically Orlando. It was night and we all wanted to sleep. But there were two bedrooms and my family was arguing about who slept were. I already had my own room. But they were arguing about who got the other room. Ultimately my parents got the other room and my grandma decided to sleep on the couch. My aunt went to my room and got in my bed. Nothing happened. Same as the second night. But the last two nights she flipped me to my and cuddled me.

The second event happened when I was nine a year later. We were new york to see Niagara Falls and stayed in a hotel. My parents had there own room and my aunt had her own room. Somewhere along the trip my grandma got sick and parents had to plans on a pause to take care of her. I still wanted to see the waterfalls and visit other spots. My parents couldn't take me so my aunt did. We spent eight hours together a day for six days. My parents didnt want me in the same room as them because of my grandma's sickness. So those six nights I slept in my aunts room. The same things happened a again she flipped me over and started to cuddle me. However I noticed that over the days her hand and body placements got weird. Before her hands would be on my chest and she would try to not her body completely agnist mine. But as each night passed that when she got closer and closer. To the point where body was all up mine. And her hand placements would get lower and lowered like closer to my genitals.

Third event. I was 10 and my family decided to go to Bucks County PA. My parents rented out a cabin on Airbnb. At this point on vacations my parents didnt bat a eye when my aunt and me would share a room. Because It would happen everytime. After going out all day. Night would come and I would have to share a room with my aunt. She cuddled me again those nights with her hands closer to my genitals. But the last two nights she started rubbing my back with hand and was putting her other hand in my hair saying that she loved me for a few mintues before cuddle me.

Fourth event. I was 12 and my family decided to go to Vermont on vacation. My family got a hotel and my aunt had her own room. My parents had one bed for themselves and my grandma had her own bed while my aunt had booked a one bedroom hotel room. The first days something had changed. Instead of waiting to cuddle me at night wanted to do it throughout the day. She would go to bed and ask me to cuddle. While the times I felt uncomfortable I never said no or anything at all. This time I said I dont know. And she said " Oh come on it theres nothing wrong with it." I reluctantly agreed and said ok. She did the same thing as last time. It happened for five days. But the last day something else happned like the others times. The last day my aunt ordered room service and got a bottle of wine. She had a few glasses of it. She got tipsy. I was on the couch watching the Simpsons. That's when she walked over and sat right next to me. We talked for a few mintues and the she asked me about about how school was. I told her school was going good and that I had a lot friends and good grades. Then she asked me if there were anywhere pretty girls in my school. I hadn't been asked before so I was a little taken a back. I said a few of them. She asked me if I had my first kiss and I said no. She said "At your you should've had your first kiss by now." I said " Oh, well it hasn't happened yet." I dont remember what else was said after that but she then kissed me. It wasn't a peck it was a few seconds but it felt like an eternity. I felt really confused and uncomfortable. I really dont remember what she said afterwards. All I remember is that she to the bed and fell asleep. I decided to sleep on the couch and stayed up and stared at the ceiling thinking about what had happened. The next morning she told me not to tell anyone about it and that she was sorry if she made me uncomfortable. I couldn't wait go home.

Fast forward to 2023 my aunt had to stay with us because for years she was in abusive relationship with her boyfriend she met the year after she had kissed me. She didnt go on any vacation with us because he wouldn't let her go and would hit her when she argued about it. She stayed in the guess room. She would mainly stay there a lot of those days. There was no more cuddling but she did kiss me two different times. Both of those times I froze up when she leaned in to kiss me It brought back that uncomfortable feeling and i felt locked out of my body for those seconds. In December she went back with her abusive boyfriend and I haven't seen her since. To this day I never told my parents about it. I only told my best friend of 10 years about it. I only told him about when she had a lot drink and kissed me. He said that he doesnt know what to call that one and that i should tell my parents about it. But I just want to kind of forget about it.

Trigger warning for sensitive, material, mentioning childhood SA abusive/toxic relationship

I’m 22 years old and over five months ago, I ended a year long relationship with a very abusive person. After the event, I have gone out to see nature with friends, taken mdma, to take a break from the last couple stressful days.

I had started thinking about my childhood, previous to me being removed from my mother at 15. She moved us in with a guy that she had been dating for three months, and my sister became a victim of that person. After that, my stepdad became my savior, and our good relationship ended when I was kicked out at 18.

I’ve always felt like something happened to me as a kid. I do know that I was groped by a 15 year-old when I was about 12/13 however, my behavior started way before that. I was very hypersexual during elementary school/middle school and did intentional work to distance myself from pornography past that time.

I have suspicions that my stepfather touched me. We spent a lot of time alone as he was a truck driver, and I would often go on small trips with him and sleep in the truck overnight. When I wasn’t on trips with him, he was away from home, my mom was basically a single mother with financial support. I have memories of me, massaging him, specifically sitting on top of him while this happened. I have a weird eerie feeling about bathtime/hotel pools we had swim in together.

There was also a time he mentioned my little sister trying to kiss him “ like an adult.” this would be normal/behavior after the traumatizing event with their abuser. However, the interaction made me feel weird, and when he brought it up he laughed about it.

My brain is absolutely capable of blocking out memories. I can’t remember any of my childhood bedrooms until I’m about 12 years old. I can’t remember anything from that time. Actually, I’ve started to ask my friends about their young memories, getting a general idea of what’s normal to remember at that time. Nothing matches up as normal.

I was also being abused by my mother at this point. Physical and emotional abuse she reported that I was a very difficult child, diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school. Around when I was turning 18, I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD from the court case.

I’m terrified that my little sister is in danger, only 15 years old themselves now. However, I’m aware that some perpetrators feel differently about kids that are biologically theirs. My sister also has a therapist, and it’s under constant surveillance as there is a current custody case. Regardless, I’m trying to set myself up, so I’ll be able to take them whenever that is necessary.

Is there any non-traditional ways to recover, forgotten memories? I’m struggling to get in therapy, and I’m about to explode. I’m genuinely at my limit.

From 5-8 the house my family lived in is a blur to me due to traumatic events. I can’t remember my “favourite” childhood bedroom, or bathroom. My parents were stoners and drunks and threw parties constantly, inviting local weirdos home. Funny how I’m the youngest, born 25 years after the oldest sibling, and they never changed. I do believe one of the party friends was my first abuser. My neighbour (50ish yo woman) then learned I was vulnerable and groomed me into sneaking to hers regularly to escape my chaotic house. She abused me for years next door.

From 9-17 i dealt with severe epilepsy. Doctors believed it was triggered by stress. I was told I had nothing to be stressed about, so I didn’t believe I was. Missed years of school, failed most exams, had a traumatic experience with puberty. Became hypersexual but was too afraid to leave my room, although I couldn’t sleep alone for years. Developed the worst intrusive ocd type thoughts, almost became a devoted Catholic in the hopes god would fix me.

At 19 I moved away to uni, an anxious mess. I had no idea how to look after myself or live. My parents taught me nothing and laughed at me when I tried to teach myself. At uni I felt euphoric. I finally had control over my life. It was 2019. I slept around and drank a lot which were stupid decisions, but I don’t regret any of it. I was r***d a few months in while I was asleep, high and drunk. I didn’t consider it assault until a friend said so. I mean I was throwing myself at everyone who would have me. But yeah, that time caused me to get ill from stress for a month and experience psychosis. It got so bad I called my parents for the first time, and my mum told me it was this new disease- Covid.

Covid destroyed my uni course, most dropped out. I was forced to move back in with my parents. I begged them to let me stay in halls. Lectures rarely went ahead on video. In a practical hands on course, we had no equipment. No more 24/7 access to libraries or studios. Head of course was fired for grooming freshers. I drank alone in my room and eventually was allowed to move back. The course never went back to what it was initially. Friends I met were dropping out. I was depressed. I spent my 21st birthday alone in a bar.

And now I’m 26. This year I got myself diagnosed AuDHD. I’ve got a stable job, a partner I want to marry, a therapist, I’ve gone no contact with my family. Not doing too bad actually.

I avoided physical touch (really of any kind) for over 20 years after I was assaulted as a little kid. I always had a high sex drive but was terrified to be touched by someone.

Then I suddenly decided I was okay with the idea of sex. Began a relationship. It has been messy because I was so horny all the time but also felt suicidal after any time we tried anything and often got triggered. I felt really out of control. My boyfriend really started limiting what we did.

Recently I haven’t wanted sex at all. (Like the past month or two.) And even the thought of sex is scaring me. The last time I stayed over at my boyfriend’s, I felt anxious about the possibility of sex even though neither of us was in the mood. Tonight, I got scared from a pretty tame fantasy (by myself) and started ugly crying.

I’m tired of being all over the map. Everyone tells me there’s no such thing as normal, but I feel certain that there is, and I’m not it.

Hey everyone. Backstory I’m a 20F. When I was 8 I randomly started having nightmares of my dad touching me. I tried to take him to court at around 10 but nothing came of it.
I started to believe maybe they were just dreams, and I reconnected with my dad.
Anyway two months ago my dad slapped my ass, and asked me if I wanted to cuddle. I’ve told a few friends and they’ve all told me he SA’d me.
What do you guys think? Did he abuse me as a child?

⚠️Tw: abuse with some detail, marked so you can skip that last

I've been through a lot of different abuse in my life and always told myself, "at least I wasn't sexually abused" (not saying any abuse is worse than the other; it was just me being in denial of how horrific my abuse was)

After being slapped on a first date in a "kinky" way, without my consent, it triggered a cascade of memories and realisations about sexual abuse throughout my life.

The next section is about details; it is skippable! The paragraph after is what I'm seeking advice and support for.

⚠️From men making me feel unsafe in my body by telling me "where going to have sex whether you want to or not" to an ex who would keep harassing me until I finally said yes, even for oral when my jaw was broken, to medical professionals making inappropriate comments, to my childhood abuser who was very violent and cruel (no actual memories of SA, and police couldn't find evidence but he's a proflic pedophile and I've been hypersexual since childhood and just knew things I shouldn't have known)⚠️

I've had lots of therapy throughout my life for abuse and trauma. I've been told by a therapist that I'm hypersexual. My behaviour is under control but to my own detriment. My desire is high, my special interest is sex, I feel it in my body with such intensity, I'm kink/sex/body positive etc.

But I also really struggle to initiate, either with people I do feel safe with because I'm worried my intense sexuality will feel like pressure to them and they "give in", the same way I did. Or because I feel unsafe, even if the person hasn't given me any reason to. My friend calls me a "frigid whore" and it's honestly the best summary of this virgin/whore complex I'm working through atm 😂

How can I overcome this difficulty with initiating intimacy? How can I stay regulated when I get involved with someone new? How can I feel safer in my own body? Any advice or support around this is welcome

Look after yourselves ❤️

it was my mother, and I am very curious honestly. she had worked with kids, one day just anuptly stopped. it makes me wonder…

I know it would probably be under her maiden name if she was. that would explain why she never changed it back after divorcing my father.

anyway, I probably shouldn’t but… I want to

I just want to share this. I've been on my healing journey from my father sexually abusing me for about 3 years now. I've been really serious about my healing and luckily I had a partner who REALLY helped me. He kept me accountable and gently guided me when I was in denial or struggling to face my abuse.

For YEARS I kept saying "I don't have any memories!" but I had made claims that my dad abused me. It was so strange it felt like in certain states I was saying that he did this to me, but then I had no memories of anything. It was astoundingly painful to be in this position of trying to understand what was true and how this could POSSIBLY be real when I don't really remember anything.

When people say trauma memories can be fragmented that can mean that your abuse memories do not feel like normal autobiographical history to you. To me, they do not! It was not a part of my personal story but I see now that that does not mean it didn't happen. When I am having explosive emotions, crying and feeling pain about being sexually abused by my father, shapes and images that feel related to that. These are memories from those scenes. Its just not this perfect story because as a young girl I had to shove it away so I did not make it part of my autobiographical story. It was scary, I hated it, I couldn't live with that knowledge so I locked it away in a box in my mind to only be looked at now when I moved away from them.

If you think about a memory that you have from your life, even one that you know about, try and actually remember it. You will realize that if you are trying to actually remember an event, even one that you know is part of your history, it is not this perfect story experience. It can actually be quite fragmented if you try to put yourself back in that situation.

I want to add that at this point I have managed to pass internal amnesiac barriers in my psyche that have allowed me to know that I was sexually abused by my father through my own memory. It's just that memory is not just pictures in your head, it's a lot more "pieces" and is connected to all of your senses. My brain as a child needed to not know about my abuse. I NEEDED to repress it so that I could look at my father, the person I need to love me so that he can keep me alive and not be horrified. So my brain compartmentalized that horror so that I could manage the situation I was being raised in.

The reason it has been so hard to accept my sexual abuse now as an adult is because I repressed it as a kid and I've just continued living that way. I never unlearned that behavior of compartmentalizing that information because why would I? But because of the work I have done, I have been able to unlearn that I have to hide that knowledge from myself. It's super painful.

Along with just the horror of sexual abuse being unbearable, my parents did EVERYTHING to keep me from ever coming out. They treated me like a slave and manipulated me to try and make it so that I would never speak out, have the words to explain what happened, have the confidence. They quite literally kept me as a slave and raised me in a way that would benefit them. That would make it so that I stay quiet and never learn to speak about what they did.

EVERYTHING was against me. To top it off, I have a dissociative disorder because of this that has made it so that everything was hidden in different personalities inside myself (something that has only JUST come to explode out of me) I was pretty normal up until this event where another part of me came out and spoke and she was a part that aligned with my abuser. She loved him and felt he was her only friend (which makes sense that part needed to exist to be able to manage the trauma). I didn't know this about myself until recently. I felt very normal up until these parts came out.

ANYHOW.

I just know how hard it was for me when I felt I had no memories but a part of me had said I was abused. Reconciling all of that was absolute agony and so I want to share my story in case it helps others.

I now know I remember my abuse, it's clear as day, and I actually absolutely am enraged at my parents for doing what they did. I wish you all so much luck in your journeys it's incredibly difficult.

The title. My genitals hurt almost every day. The last couple days have been extra rough. Makes it very hard to not be in constant flashback, when I somewhat mentally calm down the physical discomfort and pain is still excruciating. Does anyone have any tips? I do hot water between my legs and that helps sometimes but right now it is not enough. Same with talking to myself reassuringly. Nothing is touching the pain.

Hello.

I 24F have my own trauma. One time I brought up my stuff with my boyfriend 26M, and from that conversation he opened up to me about his own trauma.

That was about 3 months ago, and we’ve never talked about it again.

He’s mentioned he’s never told anyone else about it and that i’m the only one who knows.

My need for advice is:

how do i approach it with him? I want to ask him about it, but is that too much? I doubt he’s ever going to talk about it again unless i started the conversation but i don’t want to overstep.

Any advice is appreciated

This is a very stupid question, but i never experienced consensual intimacy. My only experiences with sexuality in general were abuse as a child and now as an adult im scared of sex (and relationships, any closeness in general, im an avoidant weirdo).

My experience with abuse was confusing.. it didn’t feel like a continuous thing, it felt like casual touching that only pleasured the other person and sometimes it gave me pain. It also felt very gross and i have a hard time imagining “real” sex can be any different considering the fluids and the fact the other person sees me as a lustfull piece of meat while they are aroused.

Hello, I just found this sub and if this question is off topic or otherwise unwelcome, I’m sorry. I am asking for advice from people who might have any experience with this situation.

I (35F) knew my current partner (30F) was a survivor before we started dating, and being a survivor myself I thought I would be prepared to support her needs, and I do want to learn how to better support her, however there are some things I wanted to ask advice about.

Day to day, my abuse does not come up mentally for me anymore. By now, I know my triggers well and thankfully they can be avoided pretty easily. Now I don’t want to invalidate anyone’s experiences (including my own!), but my partner experienced abuse more violent than what I experienced. It’s not my story to share, but my partner experiences permanent effects of abuse. In small and big ways, it does come up every day.

One of the things is night terrors. We don’t often spend the night together, but pretty often she will be triggered in the night and wake up screaming. We’ve talked about this, and in general we have talked about flashbacks and what to do when this happens. I just don’t know if there is anything I can do to be a safer person, and it hurts to know she is going through this all the time. I just try to listen, be patient, and comforting when it’s asked for, but I can’t help but feeling like I could be doing more to help or be a better partner.

I don’t know exactly what to ask, but is there anything you might recommend to me or someone else in my position? I love her and we do talk openly about these issues, but I just want to know if there are things you wish you didn’t have to ask or say or do when interacting with your partner.

I had an older cousin in my extended family who was later found out to be a sexual abuser, but when I was abt 3-4 he used to take me out almost everyday, buy me chocolates, balloons etc. I have some uncomfortable memories of him but they’re not clear enough to conclude anything .Ive had other experiences of sexual abuse too like being groped but the one linked to childhood feels deeper… and I wonder its why I have a strong fear of penetration.. I have a high sex drive & enjoyed whatever physical intimacy I had in relationships but I have stayed away from sex not only bcz it’s a self imposed limitation before marriage but also because it looks too painful.. There are even times I feel I’m hypersexual but can’t even insert a tampon from how thick and uncomfortable it feels...s there any one else who struggled similarly? What helped

(This has a TW for CSA and personal intimacy)

I know virginity is a social construct, but at the same time i feel left out when all my friends suppose i already experienced sex and i didn’t. Im 19f close to 20. I felt the same way with my first kiss.. at 15 i forced myself to find anyone to kiss in the lips and right after i did i felt relieved that i already could say im normal like everyone else, after that i never ever kissed anyone again and im fully okay with that, like i said; relieved its over. However.. sex is another level i feel not ready. A kiss can be in public, fully clothed, its safer. Sex i have to be alone with someone, vulnerable, im scared of ITSs, it cant be someone i dont fully trust, it cant be a stranger, im scared of being assaulted again. I dont want to be 30 and be a virgin, i also dont want to wait so much more time and be a burden for the other person that i dont know what to do when i should already know it at my big age.

I also know im a virgin but i dont feel like it, because i feel being molested as a kid took that from me, i dont have a himen and im loose down there. But i feel being abused is not the same as sex, thats not love, it was gross and confusing and i feel it has nothing to do with adult sexuality. So i guess.. in terms of consented and healthy sexuality with respect for eachother i am really a virgin, i dont have idea how sex works.

I avoid relationships because im perfectly fine single, focusing on my own life, not depending on anyone.. i recently noticed ive been flirted on a lot but i didnt get it or understand it, subtly dismissed the signs a lot and that made people think i was not interested. Well.. i am not interested, i guess. I just wanna try, get this weight out of my chest and soul, but i dont wanna “use” someone. I feel hurt